Numerous sets of drabbles of no particular time period, following no chronological order, accompanied by a song, dedicated to the BitchyCordelia & HornyXander relationship. Song is "I Got a Girl" by Tripping Daisy. Please feel free to post reviews whether they are complimentary or critical.

He swears to God, Cordelia Chase has taken up residence in his head. Even when he doesn't see her for several days, he can imagine her telling him off about something he's not doing correctly. He assures everyone who asks that he practically shares an apartment with her in his mind. And even there, she's trying to renovate it because she'd say Xander has no sense of style... imagine, trying to redecorate a make-believe apartment. Alexander Harris is losing his mind. And it's his entire girlfriend's fault. Is that sick, or what?

He can't help it, though. She smells so... nice, all the time. How does she keep her scent so... exotic? Sometimes, he swears he smells the Tropical Rain Forest and wonders if maybe she went to Argentina or something over the weekend. Not that it's not possible; she's filthy rich. Well, he decides, however she does it, he likes it and hopes she'll keep it up.

I got a girl who lives with me

I got a girl; she smells so sweetly

He sees her dog all the time. A little poodle. It's got just about the fluffiest white coat of hair, with eager brown eyes. It's as small as it can be, probably only reaching Xander's ankles.

However, the second he walks into the Chase's home, it starts barking like no tomorrow. Loud yelps of fury escape from the poodle's mouth. Cordelia picks up the pup and cradles in it her arms. "Fuffy!" she exclaims, "How many times have I told you to keep that little mouth of yours shut? Well, I guess I can't blame you. Xander does make most girls want to cry in horror... I guess dogs are no exception. Run along to your dinner now," she sets the pup down and she runs off toward her bowl.

"Ha Ha, Cordy. Just wanted to say I thoroughly enjoyed your little joke and my ability to make girls 'cry in horror'."

"Well, what can I say? It doesn't take a comedian to notice the little mishaps of Xander's pathetic little life."

In that moment, Xander truly realizes whoever made the word 'bitch' apply to a woman, and not just a female dog, must've been in similar shoes as his. And although, he never gets on Fuffy's good side, such as he really never got on Cordy's good side, he likes the dog, nonetheless. Needless to say, he's not surprised. After all, like owner, like dog.

I got a girl; she loves her dog

I got a girl; I love her dog too!

"Oh my God! What are you doing in here?"

"What, you think I'm actually going to Art class? Think I'd rather come find you, yes, even you of all people, and your lips of love," he says the last words with particular strangeness (and maybe a bit of an accent, too...), and nearly pounces on her such as a bull would charge the toreador.

"Get away from me!" she pushes him off. "You'll in the girl's bathroom, you idiot! And I'm not in the mood... it's that time of the month." She glances back toward the bathroom mirror.

"It's always that time of the month," Xander mumbles, whilst rolling his eyes.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, precious. So I knew the first place to look for Cordelia-self-absorbed-Chase was in the bathroom. The least you can do is give me points for knowin' where to find ya?"

"No. Back off. I'm doing my make-up."

"Say... why are you dressed in your gym uniform?"

"I'm not much for Gym."


"And I ask to come here instead and spend most of the period in my second home," she says, never taking her eyes off the mirror. "Shit! I think I have a zit! Oh my God, this is horrifying!"

I got a girl who stares in the mirror

I got a girl who blames it on her period

"Of course you're right!"

"You don't mean it, Harris!"

"I do! I do! Just please, please, please shut the hell up."

"You're not really agreeing with me. You're patronizing me, aren't you, you patronizing ass!? Admit it! You know I'm right."

"I already said you were right and you yelled at me."

"You said it wrong. You didn't mean it."

"I said it wrong? How is that even possible?"

"You know damn well how it's possible."

"Ok! Ok. I do, in fact, truly believe that the Titanic theme for the Junior Prom, that you suggested, is better than Buffy's suggestion for a Gone with the Wind theme."

She breathes out loudly. "Finally!" and throws her hands in the air. With that said, she collapses into Xander's chest, snuggling. She then adds, "Now was that so hard, Xander?"

You have no idea... he thinks.

I got a girl; she is so right

I got a girl; she's my guiding light

"Oh, this is just great!" Xander smiles from ear to ear, quite literally, as he nibbles on Cordelia's left and, then, right ear.

"Shh! Don't ruin the moment."

"All I said was 'Oh, this is just great'," he echoes, but this time without the emotion.

"It doesn't matter what you say, it's that you're saying something... and that's bad enough," she quips.

"Well, here I was thinking this can't get any better, and I was right, it just got a hell of a lot worse."

"Oh, yeah?" she questions him, scornfully. "What if I told you we were going to take a little visit to Decon's Creek?"

And if one were to listen closely enough, we could hear Xander actually gasp. "Decon's Creek? As in the place where all teenage couples get lucky?"

"Well, yeah. But you're not getting lucky."

"Damn!" he mutters under his breath.

"But I will let you feel me up."

He shuts his eyes real shut, perhaps to stop the tears from showing and whispers into the silent car, "Score..."

"Drive onto Decon's Creek, then."

"Oh... with pleasure..."

Well, I know, I need, I feel we're going higher & higher

Well, I know, I need, I feel we're going higher & higher

The Chase's have a really nice porch, he thinks as he is waiting for the door in front of him to open.

"Yeah?" a middle-aged, gray-haired, man responds on the other side of the door.

"Hi. You must be Mr. Chase. I'm Alexander," he offers his hand, but receives no reaction. Shoving his hand back into his pocket, he asks, "Is Cordelia home?"

"She's upstairs in her bedroom," he answers scruffily, and moves to the side to allow Xander to enter. "Thanks," he replies. Mr. Chase points to the stairs and says, "Her room's the first one to the left."

He races up the stairs, afraid to spend one more second with Cordy's father. He reaches her bedroom door, and hears music... peculiar music. He knocks, and no one opens the door. Hesitantly, he lets himself in, opening the door little by little. The surprise he gets is too immense for words.

"Holy Mother of Jesus!"

Frightened, Cordelia turns around and faces her visitor. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Too shocked to reply, he talks about what he's just seen. "You were dancing to 'I Will Survive'. I saw you... I came into the room and there you were, shaking your little tush-tush to Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive'... a seventies' song."

"Yeah. So?"

"How can hip Cordy Chase like disco? I suppose the next thing you're gonna tell me is that you listen to Barry White..." He chuckles, widening his smile and suddenly stops. "Holy Crap, you do!"

And in an instant, Cordy has Xander's ear between her thumb and index finger. "Listen up, you little twerp. If you a single soul finds out about this, you are going to become dead meat. No, in fact, you're gonna be deader than dead meat... I've got connections, buddy, just in case you think I'm bluffing."

"Gotcha," and with that Xander hurries home, placing ice on his ear.

I got a girl who loves good soul

I got a girl who dances to disco

She walks into the school's library as if she owns the place. No, not even close. She walks into the school's library as if she owns the world.

"Cor... love the outfit. New?" Buffy says, sarcastically.

Cordelia does not acknowledge the blonde petite's comment. Buffy rolls her eyes and assists Giles in another section of the library, far away from Xander and Cordelia. "We still on for tonight?"

"Absolutely," Xander answers to his girlfriend. "Hey, you got new shoes. Love 'em. Although, I must say they kinda make you look trashy... like a stripper."

"You like the shoes, then?"

He nods.

"And do you like strippers?"

"Uh huh..."

"Then I guess you should see the shoes without any other of the clothes serving as a distraction."

"Wait – huh – what? Does that mean..."

"My house at nine. Don't be late." She exits the room, smirking all the while.

Buffy steps back to where she was earlier on. Confused, she questions the grinning Xander, "Where'd the queen of the world go?"

"I don't know. But whoever she was, I hope she stays that way for a very long time."

I got a girl who wears cool shoes

I got a girl who wears them in the nude!

"What's going on? Why is the library so silent here? Crap! Are we facing another Apocalypse? Because if we are, I'm not gonna bother studying for the finals."

Willow answers her, having a little leer on her lips, "Giles has a date with Miss Calender tonight."

"Ohhhh... so we are facing another Apocalypse."

"Cordelia!" Willow, Buffy, and Giles shut with dismay and discord.

"I'll have you know I am perfectly capable of going out on a date. I'm not from the cavemen era, you know?" Giles defends himself.

"Are you sure?" Cordy responds.

"Indifferent child." He murmers to Cordelia.

"What did I do?" she whimpers, and sits on Xander's lap.

"It's okay, Cor. I reacted the same way you did when I heard the news."

"See! It's not illogical. Of course, I make perfect sense all the time. How come everyone else can't see that?"

I got a girl who speaks her mind

I got a girl; she'll argue anytime

She could pass as a supermodel any day of the year. With her fine features and figure, her flowing beautiful brown hair, and her height, she could be the next Miss America. And Xander believes this. He knows Cordelia Chase is gorgeous and he knows that he's dating her... he just can't seem to put the two thoughts together. The possible next Miss America has fallen for him... he can't convince himself it.

She is really tall, he contemplates. She's nearly six feet tall... and that's without the heels. No wonder he always feels she's looking down at him.

And the ironic thing is, even though she's not small, she still gets so easily frightened. Her biggest fear, hitherto, is spiders. Yes, spiders. Spiders, which are five inches in size, at the most, get Cordy into a ball of agony.

Just the other day, she saw one. Really small, really not harmful, at all. Nevertheless, she jumps up, in a second's time, and stands crouching on the sofa. "Xander! Stop just staring at me! Kill it!" she points towards the spider's direction.

Xander chuckles a bit, under his breath. He really can't help it. Queen Cordy is afraid of spiders. Guess she's not as strong as everyone makes her out to be. After squashing the spider, Xander helps her down from the couch. No, she's not the all-potent Buffy the Vampire Slayer that Xander had first had a crush on. She's six-feet-tall Cordelia Chase who's scared shitless of spiders. He thinks he likes it... makes him feel worthy – like he needs to protect her. Everyone needs to be needed, after all.

I got a girl; she is so small

I got a girl; she'll knock down any wall

It's been a really sucky day. What is this? Apocalypse number five? Ten? He's lost count by now.

Sitting in the school's library, he has his head halfway into the ancient book he's 'reading'. And then she enters the room. Well, isn't this the perfect way to end the perfect day, he thinks sarcastically.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?! You're studying? You can't be studying, you promised to take me to see that new romantic French film. Let's go!" She orders, without pausing.

"Kinda busy right now," he replies, without even bothering to explain to her.

"Well, become un-busy! It's an order. You're my so-called boyfriend, as much as it pains me to say it. You're supposed to make time for me." She fights back.

"Cordelia, please! We are on the verge of facing yet another Armageddon. Try to be considerate, will you?!" Giles explains, losing patience.

She stares directly at Xander. "Oh come on! You're giving me that excuse. So what? You'll get Buffy to fight off the latest villain and the rest of us can go," she frowns, making it sound so obvious and simple.

Xander reveals, "It's a little more complicated than that, this time, Cor."

"He's right," Willow supports him. "This time the demon is-"

Before she can complete her thought, Cordelia has Xander by the upper arm leading him out the door.

Get a load of this she's always bitching at me when I'm feeling down,

Asking questions with her little frown,

I can't take much more of this, I'm out....

Get a load of this she's always bitching at me when I'm feeling down,

Asking questions with her little frown,

I can't take much more of this, I'm out....

"You know, for a guy, you have really soft lips. I sorta like 'em," she informs him, between a terse intermission of kissing him.

"Um... yeah, thanks. Means a lot to me," he mutters, saying anything to make her stop talking.

"I'm only saying. The first time I'm trying to compliment you on one of very, very few good qualities that you have and you're too thick-headed to pay any attention."

"Cordelia, I want to kiss you. And in order for that to happen, you need to make less with the chatting, and more with the smooching, okay?"

"You never listen to me!"

"Listen, Chasey, the only things I want your lips to do is to pleasure mine! I don't wanna hear you talk anymore."

"What, don't I have a right to express my opinion. What am I, just some kind of robot that does whatever you command?"

"I wish."

Upset, she moves herself to the opposite end of the couch, while pouting and folding her arms across her chest, no less.

"Sorry, okay. I didn't mean it. I get it; you were trying to raise my self-esteem. Or something-" he tries to offer an apology.

There's only silence.

"Hey, I like your lips, too. They're soft and... shiny. Was that new lip gloss?"

"Yes, it was. But it's not like you ever notice?"

"I just did, didn't I?" he licks his own lips and comes to a valid conclusion. "Strawberry-vanilla?"

"Yeah..." she smiles, and he mirrors her action. "Well, since you put it nicely, apology accepted."

"Make-up time?"

"Make-out time," she corrects him.

"Finally! Now we're on the same page."

I got a girl I love to kiss

I got a girl I never wanna miss

There's no doubt, that in the general concept of the words, Willow is his best friend. They've known each other since Kindergarten; they know the other's deepest fears and secrets.

But he, foolishly, reveals many secrets to Cordy, as well. Actually, he doesn't reveal them. It seems that embarrassing things happen to him most often when Cordelia is around and thus, she is the only one that knows about these 'mishaps'. And God-knows, he's never going to mention anything about it to anyone else. In that aspect, she's his best friend... whom he threatens, on occasion – but mostly begs – to keep his secrets, just that, secrets. And for this, she's got him wrapped around her little finger.

Funny, he used to presume that as a best friend, Cordelia was supposed to be compassionate. He had assumed incorrectly; he found that out soon enough. Take, for instance, yesterday. When he had slipped his fingers in between hers, for only a mere semi-second. Immediately, she took her hand away. "God, Xander. These are the hallways of our school. Don't do that! It's mortifying!"

She walks away. And he can't help but smirk after her. He's not hurt by this action; it's her way; he's kinda fond of it.

I got a girl who's my best friend

I got a girl that won't even hold my hand

"Principal Snyder specifically demanded that no student shall have water bottles anywhere in the school besides the cafeteria, Cordelia. I suggest you put that away before he becomes frantic and gets on our case, once more," Giles warns.

"Yeah, but Principal Snyder's like... a hardass and he already hates Buffy, and I, unfortunately, for hanging out with her and you freaks, am under constant watch, anyway."

Xander chuckles a bit. "You know, you could've summarized that by saying: 'I'm thirsty'. Just a thought for next time."

"Ha ha." She feigns laughing. She uncaps her bottle and intentionally spills some water on the library's desk. "Oops. I made a mess. I'll go get some paper towels in the bathroom. Anyone care to join me for the long walk there?"

No one says a word.

Xander suddenly goes wide in the eyes and says, "Ohh!"

Outside the library doors, Cordelia laughs at him. "You're so dense; do you have any inkling of that fact?"

"No, not really. But you still want me, right?"

She only laughs again.

I got a girl that makes me laugh

I got a girl; I'll make her laugh too

"So then I said, 'that's so last month, Mom.' And then, finally, she backed down. Can you believe she suggested I buy that? It was the worst conversation I've ever had." Xander listens from afar, as Cordelia explains yet another 'dilemma' to her girlfriends.

"Yeah, totally. That would have been horrifying. Ugh!" Harmony joins in.

"I swear my parents are completely oblivious to the world around them. Can you say 'stuck in the 70s'."

"Poor you. Thankfully, my Daddy gives me his credit card every Friday," another one begins.

Xander conceals a sudden smirk. He may not completely approve of Cordelia's friends, frankly because he thinks they can't count from one to ten, but they sure are pretty. Not as pretty as his nearly six-feet-tall goddess, but close enough. And the short skirts and open tops always help, too...

I got a girl; she has girlfriends

I got a girl; I like her girlfriends!!

"Hey, I just wanted to mention... you're my boyfriend, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks for the notice."

"There's a party my Daddy's throwing next Saturday night for relatives. As his daughter, I'm expected to go and bring a date. And you, as my boyfriend, must come with me, despite your loser-y looks and instincts. And I, as your girlfriend, have a right to give you a complete physical do-over for that night. That means – the clothes I choose and the haircut I choose. And as for the instincts, just try to say too much. OH! And, for the love of God, when they go around with hor d'oeuvres, get a plate and put some there. Don't just hover over the waiter while you stuff a hundred them in your mouth, will ya? Got it?"

"I'm undergoing a Cordy-Makeover. Yeah, I think I'm ready for this."

"Wow! Are you... is it possible that you're actually complying with me?"

"Well, you're my girlfriend. It's about sacrifices and all that, isn't it?"

"It's only what I've been saying since forever."

"You are my girl, right? I mean I've seen pictures of us together in your locker. That's gotta mean something, huh?"

"I told you about that... I came out really well in those pictures."

"Sure. So, you're my girl? Answer truthfully, Cor. I can tell when you're lying."

She looks at him for a minute. Just staring. And, out of nowhere, she guffaws. "Whatever!" and exits the room.

Yep, she's his girl. And he's her man. It's all good.

I got a girl

I got a girl

I got a girl

And she's got a guy