Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything Degrassi related.
Summary: Ellie's lost it, really lost it this time. Will the people she love come rescue her before it's too late? One-shot.
Characters: Ellie, Marco, Sean.
Warning: Some language, violence(self-harm)/semi-graphic, angst/death.
A/N: This has to be one of the shortest and most depressing thing I have written in my life. Right after making it, I started weeping like a child. If you have the stomach and heart to read something like this, by all means. I truly love the character Ellie, but I love angst as well so check this out.
The metal glinted dazzlingly from the dull overhead lamp beside my desk. I have crouched down beside a gray sheeted bed, staring in amazement and fascination at the prism colors the metal made.
I reached out to touched the tip, yes it was definitely sharp. Nice and sharp, good and sharp.
Another part of my teenage mind was screaming to stop, and I obliged by taking the phone nearby and dialing a home phone number. One ring...it wouldn't hurt...another ring...take all your troubles away...another...you want that, don't you Ellie...
"Hello," came a sleepy voice from the other line.
"Ellie, what are you doing?"
"Huh?" Smart response Nash.
"Why are you calling me at three in the morning?"
"Just...nothing...I was bored so I wanted to-uh, see how you were-"
"In three in the morning, why aren't you asleep?" He sounded a little testy, I couldn't blame him, it was a little early.
"I'm sorry, I'm a little insomniac right now. Nothing to worry about." Help me Marco.
"That's ok Ell, I'll see you at school. Bye."
He hung up on me, I listened to the dial tone for a few moments before setting the phone back into it's cradle gently. The glinting of my compass caught my eye again.
I curled up into a tighter ball against the corner of the room, bowing my tangled red head forward as the weapon shook in my trembling hands.
Just one...just one...
I held out my left arm, eyeing the nearly invisible scars on my pale skin and softly pressed the pointed tip of my compass into the pink flesh, gradually applying pressure and sliding the tip across my arm. Blood flowed freely from my sliced vein, eventually pooling onto the floor.
I let out a relieved sigh, there was a pleasant release.
Lately, things had been sucking for me. Marco is always too busy to see me, always doing something that didn't include me. Sean and I have been getting into fights, sometimes it grew into screaming matches and I flee into the park, sometimes sleeping outside by the bench. My teachers are giving me a hard time because I was failing and falling asleep in class from Sean's all night parties. My Mom, who was sent to rehab after setting our house on fire, call me constantly in drunken rage or tears, saying I was a walking mistake or I didn't deserve to be happy with a boyfriend.
At times I couldn't take it, I'd either cry herself to sleep or take it out on Sean, who I am sleeping in the same house with.
The blood stopped.
I took an old shirt, dapping the cut and the stained carpet; hiding the red crime incase Sean happened to pop by into the room. I stood up quickly, finding myself unsteady on my own two feet. A tingling went up the back of my neck and the corners of my vision grew gray, I was feeling extremely light-headed.
The last thing I remembered was the compass shining with my blood, clutched tightly in my hand.
Something was shining in my face, something that made my eyes water when I opened my eyes.
The sun shining it's beams through my shades, onto my face.
I felt the rough bristle of the carpet on my back and found myself laying on the floor of Sean's bedroom. Then I remembered the previous night. Still on my back, I lifted my heavy left arm and traced my thin fingers over the healing cut. I must have let a little too much blood go.
The bedroom door was knocked on and Sean's voice drifted into my hearing, "Ellie? Are you awake?" I had not taken my gaze away from the cut, "Leave me alone Sean."
"I know you're still mad at me but I'm sorry for being an asshole, I'm sorry. Do you need a ride to school, Jay's driving us."
"I'm not going," I answer back.
The door knob is rattled but it won't open, I had locked it last night. Sean's voice grows a little worried, "Ellie, the door's locked. I can't get in." I whispered softly, "I'm sorry."
"Ellie, open the door. Are you ok?"
I don't want to talk, I'm getting really sleepy.
"Ellie, come on. You can be mad at me but don't you think you should be getting ready for school? I mean, I won't make you go. But, go ahead and get dressed and I'll see you in the kitchen."
The shadow of his feet are gone and I'm alone. Carefully, I sit up and tug off my blood-speckled shirt, into a big clean white one. I could smell the laundry soap on it and am reminded of how my Dad use to let me help him wash the clothes. We'd hang them outside like the pioneers would and pretended to shoot Indians with sticks.
Oh God, how I miss him. I wonder if he's thinking of me wherever he's fighting.
I run my fingers through my hair and slip on a pair of thrown away jeans on the floor, I don't get up off the floor. It's been about ten minutes and Sean's back at the door.
"Jay's here. Are you ready?"
I rasp out, my throat was dry, "I said I'm not going Sean." The doorknob won't budge as he tries harder to break through, "Why are you doing this Ellie? Are you hurting yourself, let me in!" I scream at the door, shaking uncontrollably, "LEAVE ME ALONE DAMNIT!"
It grows silent behind the door and he's gone.
It's really cold. For the rest of the day I sit in that room locked up, either staring at my cut or the window outside. I'm afraid to get up or I'll pass out again, I'm beginning to feel really hungry and weak.
Looking at the clock nearby, I see that school had ended already, it was way past two.
Shadows appear under the door again and I feel fury building inside me.
It's Marco's voice.
I said evenly, "What do you want Marco?" His voice had a touch of panic in it and even though I was angry, it hurt to hear it, "Ell, I talked with Sean. He's worried, I'm worried. Why aren't you coming outside?" I snap loudly, "Because I don't want to. Don't you have a date or something with your boyfriend, huh? Or maybe some girly time with Paige? Have a fun time with everyone else but me!"
I shouldn't have but I let some weakness slip from my mouth.
"I said I'd hang out with you today, I wasn't going to a make an excuse. We still can, only if you'd open the door.
I shake my head, "No."
Suddenly a volley of thumps and punches bang on the door and I can hear Marco shouting at Sean, "No, stop it! She's not going to open the door if you do that!"
My boyfriend called out, "Ellie, open the goddamn door! Stop being a baby and open the fucking door!"
"Go to hell," I murmur, going back to staring at my cut.
So continued their desperate attempt to break down the door.
This goes on well into the evening. When they give up, I lean against the bedroom door to listen to them and I can hear little murmurs between them.
It was around six when I heard crying.
Purely sad and hopeless sobs, Sean's voice bubbles from them.
"Please...Ellie....please open the door. I know what you're thinking and it's not worth it."
I whisper to him through the wood, "I can't take it anymore. The stress, the betraying, the shouting; I just it to go away." Marco's voice emerges, it sounded as if he was crying too, "I'm sorry I haven't been paying attention to you, but whatever you're doing isn't going to make it better. We can help you."
"No one can help me," I say as I crawl back to the beside, pulling out not my compass, but one of the kitchen knives I had snuck under my mattress a few weeks ago.
They notice my shadow is no longer under the crack and my best friend said a little louder, "Ell?"
My troubles were soon to be over, the wonderful shining of the knife makes my nerves jump and I stretch out my arm, ready to see the crimson spill from my body. I'm trembling more then ever and a flash of reason appears in my mind.
This is crazy, I have people who love me.
Stop.It's too late, the metal slid itself easy into my arm. I'm filled with an intense amount of pain. I have always wondered what it would have been like to die, I wondered if I would see my Grandmother who had died when I was three. My Dad said we were two peas in a pod. Now, I'm scared of dying, I don't want to die. I want to open the door and embraced the two people I love more then life itself.
My blood is really gushing out of me, splashing my white shirt and I fall immobile on the floor, a puddle of scarlet drizzling beside my head where my arm lays outstretched.
When my head touches the ground, Sean and Marco have finally broken through the door and run to my side.
Through my blurry vision of tears, I see Marco turn pale at the sight of the blood and Sean has put his hoodie under my head. One of my hands are twitching wildly in the air, clawing for something solid. Marco takes it, holding it tightly against his chest as his tears drop from his face. Sean holds my head in his lap and his eyes are really terrified, he murmurs over and over, "You'll be fine. You'll be fine. You'll be fine."
But I won't. I can feel myself leaving my body and my Grandmother's smiling face is there to welcome me.
I'll never go to prom. I'll never marry. I'll never have a family.
The only thing in the future that is waiting for me is an open casket.
A/N: Jeez, I'm sorry if this disturbed anyone. I'm really emotionally unhappy and seem to channeling it through my work. Reviews would be appreciated, thank you everyone!