NYPD Blue: Dead And Gone

By: Shanasher

Rating: PG-13

Summary: The night of "Dead And Gone", John Kelly Broods.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my cat, and he begs to differ.

It wasn't my only choice, but it was the only one I could make, and still be able to look at myself in the mirror.

I mean, what the hell was I supposed to do? Sit at dispatch, answering phones, until those assholes in IAB found something to really nail me for?

And they would have. You can't wear the badge for fifteen years and be pure as the driven snow, it doesn't work that way.

But I was a good cop.

Don't get me wrong, I know what I did.

I knew what was in that ledger, and I knew what Janice was going to do with it.

But, did I do wrong. That's the question.

I know department policy.

I know I went against department policy in a big way.

But there's a difference between what's right and wrong on paper, and what's right and wrong in real life.

Cops know that better than anyone.

Guys like Haverill, though; they're too far from the street to remember how it is.

It's not even that I'm in love with Janice.

Or maybe I am, I don't know.

I know how she feels, though, about her dad and his memory.

I know where she was coming from, anyway.

When I was a kid, my dad was like God to me.

In Sunday school, when the teacher would talk about God, I always pictured him as looking like my dad, just older.

The way he looked in his dress uniform; he looked like a hero.

He was my hero.

What if it'd been him?

I know what Laura would say.

"Johnny, there are rules for a reason, if everyone broke the rules, the world would be anarchy, sometimes as an adult you've got to do things you don't like, people have to face up to the consequences of their actions, what are people going to say..."

And so on.

I thought I'd be on the job until retirement.

There's nothing else I ever wanted to do.

I don't know what to do now.

The End