Title: Little Conversations

Author: Hawk Clowd

Disclaimer: As always, I own nothing and I want nothing. I think these boys would cost me too much money in condoms and lubricant, quite frankly, if they didn't run me dry from with the beer and cigarette runs.

Blood Type: NyQuil

Warnings: sleep-deprived insanity.

Part: One

Author's Notes: If I can pull shit like this out of my ass in fifteen minutes at work after pulling an all-nighter, maybe I should just never sleep again...

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"I don't get it," Tatsuha said, tossing the apple up and down with one hand and holding the phone to his ear with the other. "What's so great about some stupid apple?"

Eiri hushed him. "The apple isn't the important thing," he corrected in a scolding tone of voice. "The apple is never the important thing, unless you're very hungry."

For the love of... Tatsuha sighed. He hated it when Eiri got into moods like this; when the writer didn't sleep for a few days straight, he would call Tatsuha up with the strangest little philosophies and start up conversations that never ever made any sense. This was one of those times.

"Okay," Tatsuha conceded. He yawned and looked mournfully at his abandoned futon. He had school in the morning, didn't Eiri realize that? And he had to be up at the crack of dawn, too, so he could do some stupid temple ritual with his father. "So if the apple isn't the important thing, what is the important thing?"

There was a long pause on the other end of the line and Tatsuha nearly hung the phone up, sure that Eiri had passed out at last, but he heard his brother's voice just before he could hang up.

"What was that?" he asked.

"Are you holding the apple in your hand?" Eiri asked.

"For the fiftieth time, yes. I went to the kitchen, got an apple out of the refrigerator, went back to my room and put the apple in my goddamn hand. If you ask me that again, I will teleport to Tokyo, break into your apartment, and kill you dead, you asshole," Tatsuha threatened.

Eiri paused. "So it's in your hand?"

"YES, the apple is in my hand," Tatsuha hissed. He nearly yelled at his brother, but he didn't want to wake up his father, who would be pissed if he ever found out about Tatsuha and Eiri's occasional middle-of-the-night chats and possibly take away Tatsuha's cell phone--which he was not supposed to have in the first place. Tatsuha did not want his cell phone taken away; Sakuma Ryuichi's phone number was listed in that cell phone. It was very important to him.

"Good."

Tatsuha waited for Eiri to go on, and, when he didn't, sighed. "Okay, what do I do with it now?"

"Take the apple," Eiri began, "and lick it."

"What?"

"You heard me. Lick it."

Tatsuha rolled his eyes and licked the apple. "There. I licked the apple. Now what?"

There was another pause. "You licked it?"

"Yes, I licked it."

Eiri snickered. "I can't believe you actually licked it."

Tatsuha fought the urge to beat his head into the wall until he died and won. Barely. "What's so bad about licking an apple?" he snapped. "It's just a fruit. People eat them all the time."

"Don't you know what happens when you lick an apple?" Eiri asked, voice weighted with a measure of surprise.

He was going to regret this, he just knew it. Tatsuha sighed. "What happens when you lick an apple?" he asked, kicking himself for it already.

"You turn into a shrubbery."

Tatsuha stared at the apple in his hand, silently wishing his brother would die in a most horrible, painful fashion. Or at least go take a nap or something. "Licking apples turns people into shrubberies," he repeated, dead-pan.

"That's right."

"I'm hanging up on you now."

Eiri made a small noise of protest. "If you do, I'll just call back."

"I won't answer, fucker."

"I'll call the house phone and tell Dad you bought yourself a cell phone without his permission, even knowing how he feels about that sort of thing."

"You wouldn't."

Tatsuha could practically hear Eiri's smirk. "Try me."

Stupid self-satisfied pain in the ass... Tatsuha sighed and sank to his knees. He squatted above the floor and rested his back against the wall. "Okay, okay. I won't hang up."

"Good." Eiri sounded smug. "Now, take that apple again..."

Tatsuha sighed and tossed the apple up in the air once and then caught it with ease. "Yeah?"

"And shove it up your ass."

Tatsuha bashed his head back against the wall. No phone number was worth this...