Archie post 9/11
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story
Summary: Archie Bunker and the rest of the AITF gang are brought into the year 2004. Inside the Bunker home it is 1969 in appearance, but outside all the political and social issues of modern day. I will try to keep the characters true to their original form. I hope you enjoy Archie's take on the modern world.
Scene one: "Does this man take this man?"
The scene is set in the Bunker living room. The room is empty and we hear the sound of a toilet flushing...Flooooosh!
"Edith, fetch me a beer, huh!" yells Archie as he trots down the stairs, and goes directly to his favorite chair. "Now lemme see what's new in this crazy world today" Archie pushes a button on the remote and the T.V. comes to life, we hear, "You're watching CNN..."
The door from the kitchen swings open and Edith enters beer in hand,"Aaaaarchie here's your beer"
"Shush there will yah Edith," barks Archie "See here on the CNN there says they raised the terrorist alert to orange."
"Oh" says Edith, her brow furrows as she slowly sits in her chair, beside Archie's, her eyes now glued to the TV.
"Yeah" Archie continues, "Seem them there Alkaydees are plottin to blow up some buildins' right here in the good ol' U.S of A"
"Oh Archie, dat ain't nice" says Edith shaking her head.
Archie glares at Edith with disgust over her understatement. "Nice Edith? Them terrorists don't know nuttin about bein' nice. Alls they know is how to kill, blow things up, and fly planes, maybe one day someone ought to learn em how to land one too!"
"Hmm" ponders Edith; "My cousin Albert on my fathers' side flew planes..."
"Oh God here we go" Archie mutters to himself, and rolls his eyes.
Edith continues her story "...He had problems landin' 'em too. It was 1958, or was it 54? Well anyway cousin Albert was flyin' for a crop dustin' company in Iowa and one day..."
As Edith rambles on Archie pretends to load an imaginary revolver, he spins the chamber, snaps it shut, brings it to his head and pulls the trigger...POW! He slumps down with his tongue hanging out, and his arms draped over the arms of the chair.
Edith's story wraps up, "...and from dat day on cousin Albert's feet never left the ground again". She turns her head smiling, to Archie, her smile becomes a frown at the sight of him slumped in his chair.
The front door swings open, and in walks Mike and Gloria. Mike looks smug at Archie
"What are you lookin' at Meathead?" asks Archie.
"Did yah hear the news Arch? Massachusetts has just passed a law to recognize gay marriages as being legal." Mike grins eagerly awaiting the rise he will get out of Archie.
"Whaaaaat?" Archie responds, in disbelief.
"Yep, that makes gay marriage legal in 11 states now Arch! Get used to it soon it will be here too!" Mike basks in the glory of getting Archie wound up.
"Oh no!" Archie's voice grows louder and the rate of speed his words come out begins to increase, "Ain't no fruitcake is getting married here, there ain't no law that can overturn the law of God! And the good book says and I quote...Thou shall not cast your stones before God!"
Puzzled Mike looks at Archie and repeats his words "Thou shall not cast your stones before God. What the heck does that mean?"
"You dumb atheist Pollock you! Everybody knows that man is created in the image of God there see, so if you can't cast your stones before him then you shouldn't be castin' em with no other fella then neither!" Archie smiles satisfied with the explanation.
Mike looks apathetically at Archie and says "Arch that's the stupidest thing I ever heard." Archie's smile drops to a frown and he gives Mike the evil eye.
Gloria Intervenes "Well daddy I for one think it's wonderful. Why shouldn't two people in love be able to get married? It's just like me and Mike, or even you and ma." Hearing this Edith blushes, puts her finger to her mouth and laughs nervously.
Archie is absolutely aghast by the comparison, "Little girl I know what your idea of married love is, I sleep in the room next to yous two, and trust me them fairies ain't got the right parts there for that kind of love!"
"Oh" says Edith, "He's right there Gloria, I had an uncle Lou once who was gay, and he didn't have the right parts there neither, so he had the wrong parts removed. After that we all called him aunt Louise", Edith chuckles, "Ain't that funny?"
"Stifle it huh, will yah Edith!" Archie points his finger at Edith and raises one eyebrow.
Just then the doorbell rings. Mike answers it, and in walks Lionel Jefferson, Cheery as ever, he greets every one with a big smile. Archie jumps out of his chair and hurriedly runs to welcome Lionel and to get his opinion on the gay marriage debate, "Oh good finally someone with some sense. Lionel you're a man of the world, someone who knows his place in society. Will you explain to these twos over here that gay marriage is wrong?"
"Sure thing, Mr. Bunker" says Lionel sarcastically, "It's just the same as blacks marrying whites, not natural like."
"That's right" Agrees Archie to Lionel's absurd statement, he meanders back to his chair satisfied with Lionel's' response.
"Besides" Lionel continues, "If them folks get married, then they will want to buy homes together, maybe even right here in this neighborhood, God only knows what that would do to the property values."
"Amen, a man who speaks the truth!" Archie raises his arms and slowly brings them down as to worship Lionel's words.
Lionel working hard to contain a smile continues, "Why it would be more damaging than when them colors moved in next door"
"That's ri..." Archie stops himself and sits deeper into his chair, slightly uncomfortable.
"Lionel, can I get yah somethin' to eat, I baked a nice apple pie" says Edith already scurrying towards the kitchen.
"No thanks Mrs. Bunker, I'm only here for a minute." Lionel responds.
"Hows 'bout a quick slice of watermelon?" Archie says grinning pompously to himself. His remark is heard but not acknowledged by the others.
"I'll put some in Tupperware for yah, so as you can have it later" says Edith
"I'll help yah, Ma," adds Gloria, and the two woman head into the kitchen.
Lionel faces Mike and explains why he came "Hey Mike, there having a big rally to protest the war in Iraq, thought maybe you would like to come and give some support."
"Sure" Mike answers.
"Oh no. No son in law of mine is gonna be seen at no pinko commie rally" pipes up Archie, "And I'll tells yah another thing to that there war is the right thing to do, it is every Americans duty to stand up and fight for their freedom, jus' like I hadda do in the big one WWII"
Always believing in the rights of everyone to hold an opinion of their own Mike extends the protest invitation to Archie "Say Arch, there will be people from both sides, why don't you come along, who knows maybe you can influence some change on those pinko commies."
"Yah know what, Meathead, I think I will", replys Archie. "Thems protestors might really benefit hearing how it is from a WWII vet."
Edith and Gloria return from the kitchen as the three men are putting on their coats. Mike explains where they are going, Edith gives Lionel his pie, and the men walk out the door together.
End of Chapter one, stay tuned for chapter two "Archie's Jihad"