A/N: My first Beyblades fic. My first one-shot too. Not quite sure how to explain. I suppose it's slightly dark and is about self-mutilation. If you don't like or if this offends you, I'm sorry, but you don't have to read it. This was a result of bad writers-block so please forgive me if it's crap. --U
Kai Hiwatari quickly marched to the bathroom of Tyson's Dojo, breathing heavily. Once having entered inside the white bathroom, Kai closed the door as quietly as possible and as hastily as that would allow. Panting slightly, Kai slid down and leaned against the auburn door, banging his head a few times softly against the hard wood to try and snap out of himself of what he was about to do. He knew he wasn't going to be able to stop himself.
Kai bit the bottom of his lip hard, and stared at the tiled wall in front of him, attempting to gain control of his thoughts.
It was happening again. He was going to let it happen again.
With one hand, Kai ran his slightly shaking fingers through his slate hair in an effort to calm himself, and with the other he reached into his blue jean pocket and pulled out an all too familiar object.
In his hand, he held a small dagger, with intricate detail engraved on the handle. Kai grasped onto the handle and absent mindedly ran his fingers over the fine weaves imprinted. He took a deep breath and held onto the knife with both his hands.
Kai creased his eyebrows as he stared at his reflection on the silver knife, and wasn't surprised that he didn't see himself. It was his reflection, but he stared back at someone he didn't recognize. He stared back at someone who looked broken, not someone who looked strong. The only thing he could distinguish from him to the person looking back at him was his eyes. His crimson eyes were glazed over, trying desperately to hold in and recuperate the emotion that was beginning to leak out in other forms. It was all building up inside him, screaming to be let out, clawing its way out brutally from the inside. And it was painful.
The knife. It was going to take it all away from him. He knew it would, he knew he would accept it in a heartbeat.
Sometimes he didn't think he even deserved to have such a refuge like the knife. Who was he to deserve it? He was in no way worthy to have his pain taken away so easily. The very thought of him even allowing himself such a release made his mind drip with self-hatred. But he had no other choice. There were no other options anymore.
This was the way it always was, just another weakness he couldn't overcome.
Bliss had been a foreign feeling until a few years ago. It was the blissful feeling of being numb that kept Kai returning to cutting. The divine feel of his pain being taken away with drips of scarlet. But that was a lie, and somewhere inside, Kai knew it. The pain came back. It always came back. And he kept going back to the knife, begging, pleading, to make it all go away again. Begging it to numb the pain which was slowly beginning to tearing him apart.
And this vicious cycle was all he knew. His aspirin. And he knew he could never escape it, and he wasn't sure he wanted to. Sure at times he was tempted to throw away the knife, to learn to cope some other way, and that tomorrow would be a different day from all the others. But he knew that that wasn't reality, not for him anyway. He wasn't strong enough for that.
He continued to gaze at the dagger, entranced. It spoke to him. A voice loud and clear, echoing and echoing making its presence more than obvious.
'I can't leave you like this... who's going to remind you of who you are?' It spoke, silently mocking him. Silently taking advantage of his weakened state.
'You're nobody, Kai."
"You're nobody, Kai." He repeated aloud, not quite aware of the words escaping his lips. Each word of self-loathing that passed through his mind was like a slap in the face. He had to make it stop.
He furrowed his brow and bit his lip, and clutched the knife until his knuckles turned white. He looked around the pristine bathroom once more before he slowly brought the blade down to his left arm.
He closed his eyes with relief as he felt a trickle of scarlet fall down his arm, and let out a sigh he didn't realize he'd been holding in. And although he felt a slight tinge of gratitude towards the knife, he didn't feel the invisible shackles tightening around him.
After a while, Kai re-opened his eyes, and let out another sigh of contentment. The resolve settling in his mind that that's how it always was and always will be.
Just him and the blade.