Disclaimer: IZ belongs to Nickelodeon.
Where do Smeets Come From?
Chapter One: GET OFF MY HEEEEAAAAD!
"Status report, my Tallest!"
Almighty Tallest Red took the sheet of paper from the flat-headed worker drone. He skimmed over it while munching on his 'Chocolate Covered Cheese Chunks', and frowned.
"Ahhhh!" said Purple, coming into the control room, "Nothing like an all-you-can-eat buffet at Fat Boy's Doughnut Shack! Man, am I stuffed!" He plopped himself happily into his floaty chair.
"Hey, Pur" said Red, "You know anything about a...'severe decrease in the worker population'?"
"What?...Um, no, can't say that I have. Why? What's up?"
"Well according to this," he showed Purple the document, "Says here that we're losing hundreds of thousands of workers a month, due to unsafe working conditions, and that we should either pay for a whole bunch of repairs and medical stuff... or supply more irkens."
"Hmmm," said Purple, looking over the document, "And exactly how much do they expect this to...FORTY THOUSAND MILLION MONIES? That's crazy! We don't have that kind of cash!"
"Yeah," said Red, "Especially not after you had that Olympic sized tub installed in the bathroom."
"Well, how else were we gonna fit all of our bath toys in there, huh? And you're one to talk! Your little submarine takes up half the tub!"
"Look, shut up, okay?" Red was getting irritated, "Obviously we agree that we can't afford to fix everything, so we'll just send them more workers. Simple as that!"
"And where are we gonna get those, Mr. Smarty, huh? You know we tasked out the last guy weeks ago to Food Courtia as a fry cook!"
"Well, then we could just...um, we could just..." Red narrowed his eyes in thought, "...Don't we have anymore smeets in the hatchery?"
"We haven't had any for a while now. You weren't planning on using smeet slave labor again were you?" Purple said disgustedly, "They couldn't even patch together a decent robe! Remember that last one I had made? It was 3 different colors and 2 sizes too small!"
Then he suddenly thought of something, "Say, Red"
"Where do smeets come from anyway?"
Red flicked his wrists dismissively at the question, "Well, duh! They come from the hatchery, stupid!"
Purple crossed his arms, "I know that! And I'm not stupid! What I meant was, where to the eggs that get hatched there come from? If we knew who made them and where he kept them, we could blast our way in and steal all his eggs!"
Red tapped his chin with a claw, pondering this. "You know, that's really not bad idea."
Purple grinned, "Told ya!"
"You're still stupid, though."
Before Purple could come up with an indignant retort, Red scanned the room looking for someone tall (and thus highly intelligent) to interrogate. His gaze landed on a medium sized irken working a complicated looking panel of blinking lights and colorful buttons off in a corner of the control room.
Every irken in the room spun around to face their leaders, being already accustomed to being called upon this way.
Red scowled at them, "Not YOU-you... YOU! The guy with the... blinky stuff on his... thingamajig!"
The-guy-with-the-thingy-on-his-head, and the-guy-holding-the-whatchamacallit turned around and went back to work.
Kile the switchboard operator stepped forward. "My Tallest?"
"Um, yeah," began his ruby-eyed ruler, "Do you happen to know where smeets come from? Well, we already know that, but the eggs I mean."
Kile stammered, "M-my Tallest?"
"It's sort of important." Red continued, "So do you know?"
Kile blushed, "W-w-well, you see my lords," he began, "When 2 irkens care for each other, they... exchange dna in a very special way."
He swallowed the knot in his throat and pressed on, "Then one of them starts getting fat and lays an egg or two. They get to keep the first one if they want it, but all others are required to be dropped in the egg donor's box by their local Invader Academy. They then get sent here and put into the hatchery where they're stored in frowny face incubator tubes with a special liquid that dissolves the shell. When the frowny face smiles it means they're done and they're deposited on the floor where cold, unfeeling robot arms attach a PAK to the smeet and zap it to life."
His leaders nodded, as if they'd been listening, but they had really stopped doing that after the first sentence.
"Okay," said Red, "And how do we get everybody to...'care' for each other?"
Kile relaxed, glad to move on to another subject, "Every irken PAK is equipped with inhibition filters." he said, "They're remotely controlled from a master switchboard here on the Massive. Their 'carnal urges' are currently deactivated, to help keep them focused on more important irken tasks. If you were to reactivate them...well, the rest should take care of itself."
"I see," nodded Purple, "And where is this switchboard?"
"Right here." Kile walked over to the far wall, and pressed a huge red button labeled 'Master Switchboard Button'.
A section of the wall swung around to reveal 4 little switches, labeled 'short x short', 'tall x tall", 'tall x short' and 'free for all (DANGER! Press this button only in case of emergency)'
"COOL!" said Purple, dashing over to it. "I didn't know we had this! What else we got hiding around here?" he began running around the perimeter of the control room pushing random buttons, pulling switches and causing distant sounding explosions and subsequent screams of pain and terror.
Red cocked an eye at Kile. "Hey...Is there some way to keep this...'reactivation' process from affecting us? Making smeets sounds dangerous. Could we make it so this only affects the short people?"
Seeing as how he was pretty tall himself, (up to his leader's shoulders) Kile wasn't fazed by this.
He smiled, "Consider it done, my Tallest!"
And pushed the button.
- - - -
Zim sighed. He knew he was being followed. During the long time he'd spent on Earth, he'd developed a Dib-sense and knew instinctively when the self proclaimed paranormal investigator was close by. He turned around angrily.
"Come on out, cowardly worm baby!" he snarled, "I know you're there!"
"I'm no coward, Zim!" said a telephone poll across the street.
"Do you think you're hiding? I can smell your stupidness a mile away, Dib-stink!"
A big head poked out from behind the talking pole and glared at him.
"You can't smell stupidity, Zim! That's just...stupid!"
Zim was about to retort with something amazingly witty, when suddenly he began to spasm.
A wave of something was washing over him, drowning out all his other senses. He jerked and twitched and then finally fell, his PAK smoking, to ground.
Dib cocked an eyebrow. "Zim?" He stepped out from behind his hiding place and cautiously approached his body. "Zim? Are you okay? Is this some sort of trick? (are you dead?)" He poked the alien.
Zim's arm shot out and grabbed the worm-baby's wrist in a powerful grip. Dib gasped and tried to pull away, but Zim was too strong. The irken groaned, "No, Dib, I am not okay."
He pushed his top half up shakily with his free hand, "I am dizzy and nauseous. My squeedly spooch is going a mile a minute and I think my head might explode!" His limbs began trembling, "I think I might die unless..."
Dib grit his teeth as he briefly considered chewing off his arm, but thought better of it, "Unless what, Zim?"
Zim looked up at him, and Dib found himself looking into the biggest, brightest, most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen.
The fact that they were attached to Zim's head was highly disturbing.
He tried to back away fearfully.
"Unless you take me in your arms, right now and kiss me you large headed fool!"
Dib squeaked and yanked his wrist free before the alien could pull him into a sudden amorous embrace. Frightened and confused, he turned around and ran like hell.
"Do not run from Zim, Dibling!" the little invader yelled from behind him, "We can make beautiful smeebys together!"
Dib wasn't sure what a smeeby was, but he wasn't going to stick around to find out. Screaming in terror, and sped up his pace.
Reaching the front steps of his house, he dived for the doorknob and yanked with all his might.
It was locked.
He began pounding frantically on the door.
"GAZ! DAD! SOMEBODY, PLEASE LET ME IN! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND SACRED IN THIS WORLD, PLEASE!"
He turned his head to see Zim round the corner.
He increased his pounding furiously.
"LET ME IN, LET ME IN, LET ME IN, LET ME-GET OFF MY HEEEEAAAAD!"
Zim ignored him, happily planting little kisses all around his adorable cranium.
Dib continued to scream and panic for a good five minutes, before the front door to his house opened and a very irritated looking Gaz stepped outside.
"DAMN IT, DIB, WOULD YOU SHUT UP? I'M ON THE LAST LEVEL OF VAMPIRE PIGGY HUNTER ADVANCED TACTICS, AND IF I LOSE ANY MORE POINTS BECAUSE OF YOU, I'LL MAKE YOU WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!"
Seeing as how her hysterical brother was not paying attention to her, she stomped around the side of the house and returned with a very large water hose.
Dib's distress siren was cut short by a blast to his mouth, filling it up with rubbery tasting hose water. He landed flat on his back , sputtering, coughing, drenched and, he noticed gratefully, Zim free.
Now it was the alien's turn to scream. The immediate physical pain was enough to jar him from his lustful intentions, and sent himrunning blindly towards the general direction of his house, waving his arms wildly in his distress and agony.
Gaz tossed the hose aside and went to help her brother up. He smiled broadly at her.
"Gaz! You've saved my life! Thank you so much!"
His scary sister growled, "Don't be so sure about that." she hissed, turning back to her Game Slave.
Dib watched her go, sighed, and followed suit into the house. He went straight to his room and began making preparations for school tomorrow. He didn't know what was up with Zim, but until the crazy alien invader regained his sanity, he had to take the proper precautions to protect himself.
But nothing could have prepared him for what was to come...
That's it! No more! The writers block monkey has cut off the flow of ideas to my brain, (That HORRIBLE monkey ) and I don't know when he'll go away. What I'm saying is, don't expect any updates anytime soon. Hope you enjoyed it so far though. :D