Naruto World Facts of Life

Disclaimer: No money made, spent, or rolled in naked.

Warning: There will be humor, angst, gen, shounen ai, knitting, death, kissing and the kitchen sink.

Notes: If you've been in any fandom long enough, you begin to encounter a whole slew of conventions that can be found in hundred of fanfics. This is really just me poking fun at them and exploring some other ideas of my own.

1) Honestly, Zabuza never needed to actually rape Haku.

"Haku, roll over," Zabuza said, kneeling on the edge of the younger boy's bedroll.

Haku did so before his eyes had finished opening, elbows tucking up under his chest. He turned his head to look over his shoulder as Zabuza's hands went to the top of Haku's hakama.

"Zabuza-san," he said, blinking the sleep-blur out of his eyes, "I'd rather not." They were going to be walking a long way tomorrow and he would hate to be hindered on the journey.

"I'll be quick," Zabuza assured him bluntly, hands sliding under the fabric to ease it down. Which meant that he would be, if not gentle, at least careful. He didn't want his favorite tool to be handicapped anymore than Haku did. A weapon was useless if it couldn't work properly.

Haku smiled at the unvoiced reassurance and obediently lifted his hips.

2) Neji is not that hard up. And even if he was, I'm sure Lee would be more likely to console him than bend over.

Lee was startled, to say the least, when instead of striking him in the chest like he'd expected, Neji grabbed the front of his spandex and dragged him into a very deep kiss.

It took a moment for Lee to realize, that yes he was being kissed, upon which he slammed both hands into Neji's chest to break the contact. Neji stumbled back and quickly recovered his guard, expression a strange mix of anger, embarrassment, and doubt.

They regarded each other silently for a long while. Neji's face twisted up in such away that Lee wondered if he was suffering from constipation.

Understanding clicked.

"Ah!" Lee exclaimed. His face became serious. "Neji, I understand that there are strong feelings associated with being my rival! However, my very heart and soul are devoted to the sweet Sakura-chan-----"


"---so I can't return your feelings to you. But know that I am both flattered and overjoyed to be the receptor of your first love and---"

"Lee," Neji said somewhat desperately, looking more horrified than anything else right now. Lee didn't let him continue, knowing he would try to deny his emotions.

"---it is so wonderful that you have opened your heart to your youthful passions!" Lee clenched his fist, moved to tears by Neji's heartbreaking situation. "I shall hold this moment in my memory forever!"

"...oh god."

3) As much as we might wish it otherwise, they are only twelve.

Sasuke grabbed Naruto around the chest and wrestled him to the ground, the other boy shouting and fighting him all the way down. Soon he had Naruto pinned, hands trapped above his head as Sasuke straddled his hips.

"Ha!" he shouted triumphantly into the blonde's face. Naruto scowled furiously, when his expression abruptly cleared.

An evil grin spread across his mouth. "Heeeeey, Sasukeee"

Sasuke turned bright red; suddenly realizing what their position let Naruto feel. "Shut up!" he yelled, jumping to his feet.

"Aww, Sasuke, did I make you happy?" Naruto laughed wildly, clutching at his stomach.

"Shut up, it just happens sometimes!" Sasuke said furiously, blushing so hard the tips of his ears were pink.

He was never going to live this down.

4) Gai-sensei can make I anything /I seem manly.

Kakashi stared down at the colorful mass of yarn that had been lovingly made into something blanket-like in origin.

"...knitting?" Kakashi asked mildly, tracing the looping patterns of green and blue wool with his gaze.

Gai drew himself up with a frown. "Not at all! This is crochet!" He grinned proudly at the construction.

Kakashi's eye slowly traveled from the fruits of Gai's labor to the jounin himself. "...really?"

"Oh yes. Requires much greater dexterity of the fingers," he said, holding up his strong, nimble hands, "I was thinking of giving this to Lee for a New Year's present when it's done."


Kakashi continued to stare at him. Gai looked slightly miffed at the scrutiny. "What?" A possibility occurred to him. "Ah-hah! Is it true then, my eternal rival, that you are jealous of homemaking skills? There is no way you can compete with the speed and accuracy of my crochet hook!"

He pointed a dramatic finger at Kakashi's face. The other man looked at it, then at the blanket, and finally back at Gai.



5) Ninja do not cry. Except when they do.

The insistent pounding at his door wouldn't go away. It was only in hopes of restoring his shattered quiet that Kakashi dragged himself off the couch to answer it. He did not want to deal with anything right now, least of all another well-wisher.

His plan to open it only half-way and stare dully at the person on the other side was ruined when Gai flung the wooden barrier aside and enfolded Kakashi in a massive bear hug. And proceeded to howl like a dog whose tail had been stepped on.

Kakashi went rigid in the hold but didn't try to fight it off. "I take it you heard about my team."

Gai sobbed harder and nodded against his rapidly dampening shoulder. Kakashi sighed. Several moments passed.

"Must you cry on me?"

"Yes!" Gai proclaimed, jerking back enough so Kakashi could see his tear stained face, "Because you aren't going to!" The older jounin didn't wait for a response to that, drawing him back into his supportive and manly embrace.

And Kakashi let him.