"Kuwabara Kazuma. My name is Kuwabara Kazuma," I said to myself.
I said this for a while now. Hoping that I would actually feel like Kuwabara Kazuma. It's funny, for years all my friends have been calling me Kuwabara, and yet in all that time, I never felt like an actual Kuwabara. I look at my family and all I see are these awards that they have won and achievements that they've accomplish. Mom was always winning science contests when she was younger, dad was a track star, and Shizuru was good in everything. She got the good grades, could fight well, hold down several bottles of sake and could still smoke and without getting a single disease or drunk.
And me? I have no trophies or awards. I was the stupid one in the family. I was the black sheep. I didn't even look like any of the Kuwabaras in the family. I had features that were considered ugly. Maybe being adopted helped that.
"Hibiki Kazuma. My real name is Hibiki Kazuma."
I am adopted. Shizuru would be trilled to hear it. After all, she was always muttering how I couldn't be her real brother. Well surprise big sister, I'm not your real brother. All those times you were embarrassed by me, to have me as a brother, could finally be put to a close. You don't have to worry anymore about me doing something dump and everyone pitying you because of me. I'm not your brother. We aren't even remotely related. It's amazing that we have similar a power too.
I feel a pain on my stomach that stabs through the rest of my body. I put a hand to where it hurts the most and ignore it. It's my special day today. I can choose to do what I want to do. And I want to ignore the pain.
Now, where was I? Want to know how I found out? Easy. Mom came home drunk one night a couple of years ago. I was about nine then. You were at your friend's house sleeping over and dad was at a business trip. Me being the noble guy I was, even back then, I took it as my responsibility to help mom get in bed and through her hang over. During which, she blabbed how she was sorry that she lied to me.
That she lied to me about me being her real son. Apparently, mom was supposed to have a baby boy. But something went wrong about five months into permanency. The baby died. Mom and dad became so grieved and they didn't have the heart to tell you that your baby brother died before he was even born. You were only three or four. How could you understand what death was? So they adopted and got me.
What to know what else mom confessed to me that night? She told me that she misses him. That baby boy who died inside of her. She misses him. He would have been named Shinta. She couldn't name me Shinta because I already came with a name. Kazuma. So mom and dad just changed my surname so I could be like I was really theirs. But she still mourns for him. Your dead real baby brother.
She also told me how she wishes that her baby Shinta was still alive. How I couldn't replace him and never could. But she did say that she was sorry. Sorry that she couldn't love me as much as she loved Shinta or you. And that I could never be seen as her baby boy because I wasn't. Of course she didn't remember what she said the next morning, and I chose not to bring the subject up. Ever.
"Hibiki Kazuma. My name is Hibiki Kazuma."
The pain on my side hurts even more. I tighten my hold on my side. It's my special day and I'm being subjected to pain. How nice. Maybe I shouldn't think so much about the past..
You don't know how much I want to beat you. When I first heard about you, I thought that you were just another one of those punk kids that likes to beat people up for fun. So I decided to put an end to you. When we fought for the first time, wouldn't you know that it was you who thought that I was the one who liked to beat people up for sport. You beat the hell out of me. Ever since that day, all I could think about was that I had to beat you. You want to know why? It wasn't so I could prove to the world that I was better than you. I couldn't care less what the world thought about me. And I do know what the world thinks about me. If you don't like the way I act, then leave me alone. People are making it such a crime to be themselves.
But the real reason why I swore that I would beat you one day was because when you won that day, I lost something. I lost something that I worked so hard to gain in one single moment. When I had just managed to be good at something. At fighting.
I was so good that a few people started to look up to me. Some saw me as the guy who defeat could anyone. Others saw me as the idiot punk who thinks he could beat anyone or was just a menace. But I didn't care. All I cared about was that I was finally good at something. Something that I could excel at. And you took it away with ease in one day.
I've tired so hard. I really have. To beat you. To be a better fighter. But you were always several steps ahead of me. Always out of my reach. I couldn't even touch you. That's how good you were. That's how good you still are. Even after you retired from being a spirit detective, I still wasn't able to beat you in a fight. I could never reach you. I realized that a long time ago. But it still hurts to admit it. All my pride and hard work came crashing down. So I decided to beat you in school if I couldn't beat you in a match.
And I did! I, Kuwabara Kazuma, have finally beaten Urameshi Yusuke. But the only reason why I beat you was because you didn't go to class often. It was a miracle that you even managed to make it all the way to college. So the victory was a hallow one. It was so hallow that I didn't even have the strength to boast that I got way better grades than you.
And you're a cheater when it comes to fighting. You have demon blood while I'm just a human. Thanks for leaving me out Urameshi. Thanks to you, I could feel even more left out because Hiei and Kurama are already demons.
The pain is getting worst. It's spreading to the other parts of my body that I ignored before. But I choose to ignore it still. It's my special day. I wasn't going to let something like pain be a hinder to me. I lifted up my hand to see blood. It was covered in blood. Yukina would have been able to heal my wounds.
I sighed. My heart beats a little faster thinking about her. I love her. I would do anything for her. Just being around her makes me crazy. It also makes me do crazy things. Her soft red eyes, her long blue hair, and her innocence features that would make even the coldest person melt with one of her smiles.
But what I still can't believe was that Hiei was the brother she was looking for all this time! I mean, shorty! Related to my sweet Yukina! Talk about two different people being closer than anyone would expect. Well, at least he visits her once in a while from Makai. She's always so happy when he comes to visit.
Sadness overwhelms me. It makes the pain on my body hurt even more. Again I ignore it.
She's never that happy when I come to visit. I profess my love to her every time I see her. And yet, it seems like she never really took it seriously. I guess I was always thought of as a friend to her. But I love her so much. She's all I think about. My love for her makes me believe that I could do anything. People think that I don't really love her. That I'm just obsessed with her looks. Just because I said that I fell in love her when I first saw her.
That's not true. When I first saw her on that TV screen, all I could think about was how someone like her shouldn't look so sad, because it made my heart twist in ways that I've never felt before. She should never be sad. She deserves not to be. So I made it my life's mission to make her happy at all times. And to win her heart as well. But the will to do the latter is falling. Not even my love for her seems to be strong enough to hold on so long. Don't get me wrong, I still have the will; it just isn't as strong as it was before, but its still there.
One sided love is not a happy experience. It hurts. A lot. People think that I'm blind to the fact that Yukina might not love me or even like me. But I'm not. I know that she does like me. She likes everyone. But she doesn't love me. Everyday is a fight to win her heart. Everyday ends with the same result. Yukina smiles fondly at me and says how funny I am after I've told her all of her best equalities. What I love about her. All I get in return is how I am a good friend. Love bites. How ironic. Kuwabara, the fighter for love, saying love bites.
I blink. I realized that I've looked at my hand far too long. I really could think about Yukina for a very long time. My head feels very dizzy. I'm feeling light headed. I've lost a lot of blood. I look up at the dark ceiling, hoping that it would ease some of the pain. Ignoring the pain is getting much too difficult. Stupid pain.
Why can't I just go numb?
There are some things about me that people don't know. For instance, I want to be a police officer. Bet you didn't know that Yusuke, my supposedly best friend. While you're just going to college because Keiko is making you, I'm going to college so I could become an officer. You co-own Keiko's restaurant because you two are married. Married young, but still together.
Me, I'm going to help keep the streets of Japan clean. No one knows this. Maybe mom and dad know, since they're dead and looking after Shizuru and me. Or maybe just Shizuru. At this point, I don't really care. I became an intern at the police station over in the next town. I chose the other town so no one would find out. And I didn't want anyone I know to find out. They'd make fun of me if they did. Saying how they'd never leave the house once I become a full fledge officer. Or other things like that. So it was better that they didn't know.
I remember going into the police station for the first time. It was busy, but not crowed. It was a small town, so there weren't many police officers that were needed. It was the right kind of place that I needed to be. So I could heal. What was even better was that no one has ever heard of me. I was safe from the bias and the quick judgments.
The people I worked under were Arisugawa Hisao and Iwase Masatsuga. Hisao-san and Masatsuge-san (their first names) were really nice and patient. Hisao-san was around his late 40s and has two kids. Masatsuge-san was still young. Late 20s only, 28 I think. She was really nice but she also was very stern. She helped me forget about my pain over Yukina. But she didn't make me forget about her. Just the pain.
I think that if I never have met Yukina, maybe I could have loved her the way I love Yukina. I do feel something for her. An attraction. But it was only a shadow to what I feel for Yukina. What I feel for Yukina is so deep that I would die just so she could keep smiling. I would take on Renkai just so she would never experience any shred of sadness.
That's how deep my love for her goes. My love for her is all I have left to hold on to. But that's not enough to keep me in this world forever.
"I'm dying," I said as loud as I could. It echoes all around the warehouse.
"I love Yukina!" I said even louder. The words comfort me and at the same time, pain me.
I looked to the window that was placed high, near the ceiling. It's going to get dark soon. Maybe two hours left until the sun sets. The pain is getting worst. I grunted in discomfort.
Today started out like any other normal day. I woke up, got dress, and headed to the station to learn what it was like to be a police officer. We went around town, just to patrol. Nothing interesting happened. Then we went to this warehouse. Just to see if there were any teenage punk kids who thought that they could sell drugs when they were supposed to be in school.
Well there were people selling drugs. Only problem was that they weren't teenage punk kids. They were full time drug dealers. And they had guns and people they hired to protect them. And they sure were pissed to see three people barging in during their bargaining. Especially if those people were cops. But was it our fault that they had such lousy security? We just walked right into the warehouse like it was a store. There weren't any guards posted around the warehouse. Then things got ugly from there.
Hisao-san was shot instantly in the head. He never had a chance. Masatsuge-san and I ducked for cover. She told me to get out of there. But I couldn't leave her behind, so I stayed. Even if I did try to escape, I would've been shot. Besides, I've been in worst situations while I was a spirit detective. Masatsuge-san tired calling for back up on the radio, but someone shot the radio before she had the chance to and then shot her right shoulder. Good thing she was a lefty. We quickly moved to another hiding position. We were outnumbered about 7 to 1. The odds weren't good.
Even the two drug dealer Lords knew we didn't have a chance. So they stayed where they were and watched as hails of bullets kept going our way. Masatsuge-san couldn't take them alone, so she handed me her extra gun. I've never used a gun before, so my first couple of bullets, I shot blindly. It surprisingly shot one of the attackers. I stared at the guy who fell to the floor dead, from the bullet that I shot. It was the first time I killed a human. I stared so much that I was shot myself on the shoulder. It was sheer luck that it missed my head.
I could still move it, but with a lot of pain. Masatsuge-san kept yelling me to stay focus or we'll both be killed. She had shot down two guys while I stared openly at the one I had killed. So I shot another bullet. This time I hit a woman. I heard her scream in agony. She was still alive and fired at me in retaliation. She hit the same place where I was first shot. I could barely move my arm after that. I steeled myself and let my heart grow cold.
I killed her.
If I was to survive, if Masatsuge-san was to survive, I knew that I had to shoot these people. Even if they were women. So I fired, bullet after bullet. The smell of blood filled my nose. I forced myself not to think about the people that I killed. About the families that they might have had. We lasted until our supply of bullets went out. By then Masatsuge-san and I had killed about 7 people. I was shot three times, two in my left shoulder and one glazed my right arm. Masatsuge-san twice, one her right shoulder and the other on her leg. About eight were left. The next moment, I would never forget.
There was a ninth person. He had somehow gone behind us and shot Masatsuge-san on the back. Time seemed to slow down. Masatsuge-san slowly turned around and shot her last bullet at the assailant right between the eyes as he shot her again. In the heart. Both bullets penetrated the other at the same time.
After that, I went numb. Her head fell to the floor, turned towards me. I saw her vacant, dead eyes staring at me. Suddenly, I did something that I never thought I would do. I summoned my spirit sword and jumped to where one the drug dealers were standing and sliced him in half with my sword. His blood splashed to my body and mixed with mine. The smell of it was overpowering my senses. I've never smelled blood so strongly before. It was driving me crazy.
The other men stood still and stared at my orange sword. They didn't know what to make of it or the young man who just killed their one of their leaders with it. I took this time to kill the remaining leader and one of his goons. I didn't stop for a second to think about what I was doing. I didn't care that more blood was being splashed onto to me. If I did, I would be killed. Plus the thought that I killed a human being with my sword would have made me stop all together. My powers are used to protect human from demons. Not to kill them with it. But I didn't care then.
The others seemed to have snapped out of their dazed for they started to shoot at me again. I dodged most of them and blocked some. One or two managed to settle into my body, but they didn't stop me. Then I killed two more. Another managed to shoot me somewhere in the leg. I fell to the floor and threw an orange dagger that I formed with my other hand at him. I never knew I could do that. Someone else shot me on the same leg as I started to get up. I fell.
There was more blood. I could smell death in the air.
Somehow I got the strength to get back up again. Masatsuge-san's death was the one that gave me the energy to keep on going. I wanted revenge. They killed her and I was going to kill them all. For a moment, I felt like an avenging angel. Only I wasn't avenging, I was getting revenge.
There was only two left. As I started for one, the other shot me in the stomach. I faltered only for a second and continued on with my charge. I killed him, after he shot me twice, and then threw another dagger to the remaining person. God must surely love me because that last person was a woman.
After that, I fell to the floor in exhaustion and pain. Blood was all over my body. Theirs and mine. I couldn't distinguish which was which. All I knew was that I was covered in blood. All I could see was blood. I crawled to where Masatsuge-san laid and sat up on one of the crates. That's where I've been for the past hour. I wasn't even sure if it was an hour. I wasn't sure how much time has gone by. I would die here. The warehouse was supposed to be abandoned and no one was within a mile range. No one would have heard the bullets flying at each other. By the time I'm found, I'd be long gone.
I wonder if Botan would the one to guide me into Spirit World. I hope not. I didn't want anyone finding out about my death. But I suppose that she'd find out soon whether I'd wanted to or not.
I killed men. I killed women. With my spirit sword. And it's funny too. Because I don't feel sick or guilty that I did it. I wonder if I would ever be forgiven. I wonder what the other officers would think when they see how some of these men are found. I mean some of their bodies are sliced in half with a sword, and there aren't any swords to be seen. I wonder what my friends and sister would think. I chuckled. I didn't care anymore. I was dying. Let them think whatever they wanted. All I could think about right now is the blood and death. The blood is all I could see.
Dark red blood. I could smell it. I could taste it. It's all I saw. And when I didn't see the blood, I saw the dead. Masatsuge-san's dead eyes staring at me. Accusing me of her death. Mocking me. Taunting me. The other body lying next to her was still. But I could see his eyes as well. I could feel the other's eyes burning into me. Waiting for me to die, so they could have their own revenge for me ending their life. I closed my own eyes. I couldn't stand the feeling that they cast over me any longer.
I wonder if Koenma would let me be reborn again. I was already revived once when I was killed by Toguro, would he let me be reborn again? Dying is a painful experience. I've already died once. Now I'm dying again. And this time, I know I won't be revived like the last time. Everyone thought that I hadn't actually died when Toguro punch me. But I did. I stayed where I was and watched Yusuke fight Toguro. Koenma revived me, just for Yusuke.
Damn you Urameshi. You got to be revived twice and me only once. But I suppose I'm being selfish.
But I want to be reborn! Not as a human, as a kitten. I want to be reborn as a cat. I want to try and redeem myself for killing these people with my powers. And I also want to be reborn away from Japan. Away from Yukina.
Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid of the pain I would feel by being close to her. Me. Afraid. I was the one who gave all of these speeches about how a man should be and that those who run away from what he fears is a whip. And I was being a whip. I was a coward. I want to be as far away from Yukina as I could, if I ever get the chance to be reborn. Because I was afraid that I would see her fall in love with another person.
I couldn't handle that. Even if he makes her happy, I can't see her falling in love with that person. I'm not strong enough. I can't handle it. I would die, again. I'm sorry Yukina, but I'm not strong enough. I never was. I've tried so hard to be strong, in body, mind, and heart. But I'm not. I'm just a stupid, useless fool who can't do anything right. That's why everyone calls me an idiot. That's why people call me KuwaBAKA. Because I am a baka.
But I'm not a Kuwabara. And I still don't feel like one. The name will always stick, but I doubt I'll ever feel like a true Kuwabara. Kuwabaras were winners. And I was a loser.
The pain is getting too much. It's so much that I didn't feel anything anymore. I'm finally numb. I've lost so much blood. Too much blood. I can't move any of my limbs anymore. I couldn't even feel them. And today's my special day. Why? Because I'm dying. Today is the day that I die.
I would miss a lot of things with my death. Yususke's first child, Kurama and Shizuru's wedding, their first child, Genkai's death. It's funny; I get to die before Genkai does, and she's really old. Which reminds me, Shizuru's birthday is next month. Kurama was planning a surprise party for her. I guess I'm going to miss that as well. Want to know what's even funnier, of all the years that I've known all my friends, not once did we celebrate my birthday.
With everyone else, we've had big birthday celebrations and surprise parties. But not once for me. Hell, even Botan had a death party for her 700th years of being died. I've barely gotten a "Happy birthday Kuwabara" from any one of them, expect for Shizuru. But that's to be expected. She's supposed to be my sister. Some friends they are.
But even so, I'll miss them. I'll miss Yukina. Yukina and Shizuru are the two people whom I'll miss the most. Even if everyone forgets about me within a month or so, I'll still miss them. I could just see my gravestone now.
Died – Age 20
The idiot that even life hated.
May another one just like him may never be born.
Yeah, that's how it'll look like. I could feel my life slipping by. I wanted to stay alive for just a few more moments. Like I said, it's my special day and I could whatever the hell I want. I need to focus. Saying my name out loud helped me focus before. Maybe I could do it again. But this time, I'll say something else to celebrate the other reason why this is my special day. I'll sing. But I need to do it quick. My eyes won't open anymore and my intake of oxygen is hardly keeping me alive. All I could smell is blood and death. I'll die breathing in the scent of blood and my dieing body.
"Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to…."