I own jack diddly all.
Except my jack.
And my diddly.
Note: This is a revised version, presumably better than the first. Presumably. With errors corrected, writing tightened, and replaced scenes.
As the local village of 500 some-odd years ago went about its daily affairs, as it did daily, in a tree near the edge of town sat the local pussy-whipped half-breed demon. Upon the thickest branch, the one that best supported his weight, Inuyasha warily regarded the contents of the Tupperware container given/forced upon him by his leash-holding miko partner.
"Grreeegghhh." He remarked in distain, picking away at the various bits of green vegetables and such that were inside. Since he had more-or-less come to rely on Kagome for food retrieval, a reliance he had gladly given to her at the time since she had a penchant to stock up heavily on instant ramen, the self-righteous school-girl had taken it upon herself to make sure that Inuyasha ate a more 'balanced' diet. What this meant was that if he ever wanted her to give up the ramen, he also had to taste whatever disgusting filth nutritionists of the future deemed "good" for him.
And, of course, if he refused altogether, he would taste dirt, wood, Pine Sol, or whatever else seasoned the surface he was standing on when she'd sit him.
How the hell did it come to this? He wondered to himself, reflecting on the good old days before Kagome, hell, even before Kikyo; Days when he could ransack a village, take whatever he wanted, and kill anything that got in his way without fear of consequences.
God, I miss people being scared shitless of me. He sniffed at the spinach, and briefly contemplated throwing it away, then simply telling Kagome that he ate it. He quickly dismissed the notion when he realized that, somehow, she could always tell when he was lying to her.
He reflected, with a shudder, that time back in her era when he had mastered the camcorder device and had secretly followed her to her dance lessons. Hiding in a tree near the studio window, he had recorded an hour of hilarity, watching her stumble, trip, and fall her way through a tango seminar. Days later, Kagome had discovered the hidden footage, and was predictably pissed. Despite the fact that Inuyasha had tried to pin it on her younger brother, she immediately saw he was fibbing and sat him to the point where he almost breached the earth's molten core. Between that, and the other thousand things he used to do that sparked her wrath, Inuyasha had pretty much learned to keep his trap shut and begrudgingly go along with whatever she told him to do.
And so, with a defeated sigh, he downed the contents of the container whole, hoping to get it out of the way quickly and painlessly. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, since once he got it all in his mouth, the taste that was on his tongue suddenly registered in his brain, resulting in his doubling over and spewing it all over his chest.
"Cockfuck!" He cursed as he spat away the last of the abysmal taste. Grumbling at the mess he has made on himself, he began to brush away the slop, wishing that his Fire Rat robe were self-cleaning in addition to self-regenerating.
Then, a most striking thing happened. As he brushed away the spinach from his upper chest, he also brushed away an article of clothing he was wearing. He hadn't noticed until he heard it jingle as it hit the ground several meters below. Naturally, he peeked over in curiosity, and upon viewing what it was, his eyes almost became as wide as your mother's ass.
That…that can't be right.
His hand immediately slapped his neck area to feel around for something that should have been there…but wasn't. Unbelieving, he verified with this other hand as well, using both to feel all around, almost appearing as if he was trying to strangle himself. When neither his left nor his right palms could detect anything other than his own skin and Adam's apple, he now had the confidence to look down over himself. Besides the fact that he was covered in spots of dark-green roughage, he also noted that he was no longer wearing a certain fashionable, a certain cursed accessory.No
...was all Inuyasha could think to himself, adopting some of the slang Kagome had brought back from the future with her. He stared back down onto the ground again and confirmed it: The cursed rosary necklace was no longer on him. It was now, through some yet-mysterious circumstance, lying in the dirt, the once unbreakable string having snapped.
With a state of mind that could best be described as blank, he dropped down from the tree, and onto the ground a few meters away from the necklace. Regarding it carefully, as if afraid that this was some sort of bizarre trap, he inched closer. Getting a good look at it, he began to notice a few discolourations seasoning its palette. Upon further inspection, he realized that these were the stains from the spinach.
The invisible gears in Inuyasha's mind began to grind as he tried to compute the given situation: Somehow, his necklace had become undone, and the only unusual thing present was the spinach on it.
Luckily for him, it didn't take a genius to figure it out. Whatever mysterious concoction was involved in this "spinach" was apparently to right alchemy that was needed to counteract the necklace's magic lock on him.
Despite the fact that he should be jumping for joy, Inuyasha still eyed the necklace warily. The notion of him finally being free of that damnable thing was one that he had dreamed about for so long that he considered this convenient little incident way too good to be true.
So, before he was ready to let the euphoria bubbling inside of him be expressed by a song and dance routine, he wanted to conduct a test to assure himself that he was truly free. Reaching up, he snapped off a branch from the tree and, cautiously, poked at the necklace. Upon his first poke, he immediately jumped back, as if fearing that the necklace would somehow be stirred to life and attack him. When the necklace didn't budge, he poked it four more times, and them thwacked it. Nothing happened.
Testing further, he picked the necklace up with the branch, like a handler with a snake, and held it suspended in the air. Cringing back a little, he mumbled something, then awaited a reaction. When nothing happened, he spoke what he mumbled even louder:
Once again, nothing.
Of course, he mentally reminded himself that doesn't prove anything, you moron. She's the only one who can get this damn thing to work. To test that, however, he'd have to provoke her into sitting him, something he didn't particularly want to risk if he turned out to be wrong.
Just then, a light bulb (Or torch, or whatever went off in people's heads before light bulbs were invented) appeared in his mind, and the demi-demon ran off to a small cliff overlooking the village, making sure to remain hidden in the forest borders, with the branch-and-necklace still in hand. His destination proved to be a mound of dirt covered with leaves, one of many scattered throughout Inuyasha's forest, where he would bury certain possessions of his that he wanted to remain hidden.
In this case…a camcorder!
Brushing off the dirt (And being fully ignorant of the fact that moisture destroys most electronics, which, amazingly, hasn't happened since he buried it.) Inuyasha opened the viewfinder and hit the play button. The video had been cued up to a point where Inuyasha had been recording himself, naked, just for the hell of it.
Blushing slightly, he began to fast forward to the point where he wanted. Recognizing it as when he was taping a scene off of this very cliff, he hit play, and let the scene play out. On the viewfinder, from an overhead angle, was a local residence. A young lady stood at the door as her husband approached, with a hunting bag in hand.
"Here we see mister Katabe about to hand his wife his daily kill for her to cook." Came Inuyasha's recorded voice over the speaker, imitating some commercials he had seen on the T.V. back in Kagome's era. "What neither of them knows is that we've replaced the fine deer usually left in that bag with our own special brand of Fox Demon Delight. Let's see if they can tell the difference…" Just as his voice trailed off, mister Katabe plunged his hand into the bag, and proudly whipped out his kill to his wife. An immediately horrified Mrs. Katabe screamed as he presented her with an unconscious Shippo. In sudden panicked realization, Mr. Katabe suddenly dropped the tiny creature on its head, yelling
"What the f…"
The bump of the noggin apparently having roused Shippo, the fox demon awoke to a couple towering over him, one brandishing a hunting sword, the other brandishing a kitchen knife, both looking at him while screaming bloody murder. Naturally, he couldn't help but be compelled to scream himself.
Inuyasha watched this footage, unable to help chuckling to himself. And, judging from the shaking of the footage, he was unable to help laughing when he filmed this as well. As the chaos unfolded before him, a new, shrill voice suddenly entered the recording.
"What are you doing?" The sound of a gasp could be heard as Inuyasha suddenly whipped himself around to find that Kagome had managed to sneak up on him. (Reflecting on this incident, Inuyasha had concluded that he must've been having too much damn fun to notice her scent as it approached.) The footage visibly shivered as Inuyasha had realized he was busted. "Oh my God, is that our camcorder!" Kagome demanded, the camcorder having clearly capturing her expression of anger.
"Uh…" Inuyasha cringed as he listened to the recording of his feeble stuttering.
"You STOLE my family's camcorder?" Kagome roared as she had taken a step towards the suddenly fearful filmmaker.
"Ah…" Inuyasha, knowing what was going to happen next in the footage, prepared himself. He quickly laid the camcorder down, and observed the necklace, still on the branch. Over the speaker, the following word was spoken quite loudly.
Inuyasha instantly closed his eyes and winced, preparing himself for the sudden jerk around his neck that would pile drive him into the soil.
There was a yelp of pain from Inuyasha's voice, and the sound of a skull kissing the dirt, but it all came exclusively from the recording.
Inuyasha opened his eyes in utter amazement. For the first time since he could remember, he heard this word, from this voice, and was not in any pain. He heard only the chaos coming from the footage.
He realized at last that this was the real deal. After the incident had been recorded, Inuyasha had miraculously managed the keep the camcorder hidden, and had previously reviewed the footage privately. While doing so, he made the unpleasant discovery that recordings of Kagome's voice were sufficient enough to trigger the curse mechanism on the necklace. But this time, it did not happen.
And thus, a massive smile spawned over his lips as he allowed all the pent up ecstaticness that had been building up inside of him for the past several minutes to finally surface.
"FUCK, YEAH!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, literally jumping for joy several meters into the air. "Wooo! Wooo! Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo! Freeeeeedoooooommm!" Chants like this rung throughout the forest as he took what could be considered a victory lap around the woods, completely unashamed and unrestrained. Luckily enough, no one was nearby to see him. This, and other improvised forms of celebrations, such as passing by local squirrels yelling "In your FACE!" to them, undertook the next ten minutes of Inuyasha's life.
Finally, the initial excitement and giddiness died down, only to be replaced with brand new giddiness and excitement as Inuyasha knew right away what he wanted with his newfound liberty…
"Revenge!" The notion so appealing that he couldn't help but speak the words aloud, giving them his most dramatic treatment. A flurry of ideas blew into his mind at once as he remembered all the things he ever wished he could have done to get back at Kagome, as well as a few creative new ones. They all pooled together to create a unified desire so great, Inuyasha had to obey them at once. Impatiently, he latched on to the current idea that just happened to be in his head at the time as he bolted off to nearest hot springs to wash off his clothes, then re-attached the dead necklace around himself before heading off to the village.
Sango and Shippo were whittling away their free time trying to master one of the games that Kagome had brought back from the future. Shippo, young and curious as he was, wanted to see all the cool toys that five hundred years of ingenuity had developed, and Kagome was only too happy to oblige those adorable green puppy-dog eyes. The fox demon ever-so carefully dipped the clippers closer and closer to the heart. BZZZZZZTTTT!
"Bastard!" He cursed as he angrily passed the clippers to Sango. While engrossed with this game, Shippo had a real problem with the way it rubbed his failure in his face with a fanfare of buzzing and red lights. If it weren't for his mild respect for other people's property, he'd have jammed the clippers right through the cardboard guy on the table's eyes.
While he amused himself with that idea of this, Sango smiled as she successfully removed the liver. She then passed the clippers back to Shippo, who, with renewed zeal, went for the heart again. With enormous concentration, he managed to secure the clippers around the plastic innards without grazing the metal rims, and with a self-satisfied smirk, started to carefully lift it out. Just then, a red blur shot by them, stomping heavily as it went, shaking the ground and board enough for the metal edge to hit the clippers, thus inciting the buzzing and the lighting.
"Son of a bitch!"
Rushing past the cursing kitsune, Inuyasha charged right into the hut where Kagome usually stayed in. She wasn't there now, Inuyasha knew, but her notorious yellow backpack sure was. Knowing some of the contents of the bag, he rummaged through it, searching for something, hoping that she had brought it with her…and was pleasantly surprised when he grasped his hands around a full, 2-litre plastic bottle of it. He didn't recognize the label offhand, as there were so many different brands, and Kagome seemed to bring a new one back every time, but they all had one important quality in common, which was all he needed. Without hesitation, he twisted off the cap, and proceeded to chug the whole damn thing like a raging alcoholic would a bottle of Jack Daniels. Suckling it all down to the point where the bottle was compressed to a scraggled mass via air vacuum, he tossed it aside and shot out the door again.
As he was running, he came upon the sudden realization that he didn't know where Kagome was right now. And, to make matters worse, all the carbonated beverage he'd just downed was having a murderous effect on his sinuses, disabling his ability to smell out people. With that, he jogged back over to where Sango and Shippo where now busy setting up a new game.
He ran up to them, still jogging in place out of both excitement and the desire to gas up the liquids in his stomach, and excitedly rattled off,
"Where's Kagome? Where's Kagome? Where's Kagome?" Both the demon and the hunter looked at Inuyasha with curiosity. Aggressively exited was far from Inuyasha's usual habit of being aggressively aggressive. However, they both learned a long time ago that, when dealing with each other, the half-demon and the miko reincarnation rarely used consistent character traits.
"Study spot." Sango said simply, pointing to an area in the nearby hills. With that, Inuyasha was off again, running oddly, almost skipping even. Sango and Shippo gave the bizarre sight one last stare before simultaneously "Humh"ing and getting back to work.
"So, the plastic cheese goes underneath the giant trap, not the diver guy on the board." Shippo instructed as he read the manual.
She sat silently against the trunk of the old tree, which provided a surprisingly comfortable surface. It was almost enough to make Kagome glad that Miroku had, one day a few months back, performed one of his pathological gropes on Sango, just as she was in the middle of a practice throw with her absurdly huge boomerang, which, due to the off-kilter launch, had accidentally chopped a comfy curved outline in the tree's trunk.
That, combined with the fact that it was a comfortable distance from the village, made it the perfect place for her to plop down and whittle away on her laptop. No villagers crowding around her, fascinated by the "Magic Picture Book." And she wasn't so far away from the village that she was in any real danger of being attacked. Instead, she had peace and pure silence to work on the schoolwork that had ever-so suffered since she had taken up this whole time-travelling, evil-purging, shard-hunting, half-demon-sitting deal.
The serenity of the area was compromised only by the tapping of the keyboard as Kagome's fingers danced across it. River-Danced was actually a more appropriate euphemism, given that she was hitting the keys like a machine gun spews lead. Being in the proverbial "Zone", she was making incredible progress with her debate essay arguing against the possibility of there being any truth behind the legends of demons and the occult in feudal times.
Between her incredible concentration, and the fact that the sound of the keyboard she was assaulting blended in well with the sound of approaching footsteps, she didn't notice a red and silver shaped blur off in the distance making a beeline for her at high velocity.
Inuyasha cringed as he felt the volatile chemical reaction in his stomach become more and more unstable by the second. And yet, powerful as it was, he knew he had to contain it until the very last second. He stared up at the hill he was charging up, looking desperately for any sign of his target. He grew further desperate as he felt something start to leak out from his windpipe, but forced himself with great effort to choke it back down. Then, at last, he spotted her, seated against a tree, head buried in that weird contraption she used to get her studying done. As he felt the force rising from his stomach, he knew that this time, its release would not be denied and made a mad dash for his her.
It wasn't until Inuyasha was 20 meters away that Kagome lifted her head to investigate what sounded like a horse racing at the track. Instead, she saw her red-clad defender coming at her on all fours. She barely had time to register whether or not she should be alarmed, as Inuyasha closed the remaining distance between himself and her so fast that he almost didn't brake in time to stop himself from slamming right into her. Actually, he timed it perfectly, as he stopped directly in front of her, his face popping over her laptop, a mere inch away from her face. With that, he opened his mouth and let it all out…
"What the hell is that!" Shippo yelled, voicing what everyone else in the village was wondering as all heads turned to face a direction off in the hills. A loud, inhuman sound blasted from there as alarmed birds suddenly fled from nearby trees. Sango briefly wondered whether this might be the roar of a demon, but reluctantly dismissed that thought as she realized that this sound was not at all like any demon she'd ever heard in her considerable experience. It sounded like something of a cross between a low growl and vomiting, with an extremely deep bass. Hell, if she stretched her imagination a little, she'd almost swear it was the sound of…
Kagome's head instinctively jerked back, only to be stopped by the solid trunk of the tree, as something indescribable escaped from Inuyasha's mouth. It couldn't be called a burp. It couldn't be called a belch. There were no words in any language that could adequately describe what was being released right in front of her. It was something that was, plain and simply, to behold. And she could only stare on in abject horror as it occurred before her.
Even Inuyasha himself was overwhelmed with the force that was escaping him. Upon releasing it, he felt as if a living creature was violently blasting through his gullet and out his mouth. Perhaps, as Inuyasha loved pointing out, demons truly were more powerful than humans in every regard. He realized that he was now as helpless before this expulsion of air as anyone else, and could only hold on for dear life, trying to keep his face pointed directly at Kagome's.
The both of them simply sat there frozenly, as after a good forty seconds, the last of the gas freed itself from his mighty, demonic pipes. When it was at last all over, the both of them could only stare at each other, fundamentally amazed and confounded at what had just happened. Inuyasha was the first to recover, deciding to polish off his insult with a giant, fang-filled grin. Kagome, poor Kagome, could still only continue to stare at him wide eyed and with that blank expression. Forty more seconds passed until at last her brain had recovered enough to command her mouth to ask:
"What…the…hell…are…you…doing…?" As she spoke, she was forced, with disgust, to inhale the traces of burp-stink that was now everywhere.
"Whatever the hell I want, skank." Inuyasha responded smugly. Inuyasha waited with impatience for her to yell the magic word, just waiting to for her to scream it to the high heavens. Above all else, he wanted the satisfaction of seeing the look on her face as she realized that the curse had been undone, and that he was now free to do whatever he wanted. He wanted to see all the smugness and self-righteousness disappear from her face, to be replaced at last with the same face that she had made on the night that they had met for the very first time…when he had destroyed that centipede demon and was menacing her for the Shikon Jewel…
…the face that indicated that Inuyasha was the MAN; That he was something to be feared; That he was a force to be reckoned with, and that he should be revered, reviled, resented, but above all…respected. He was a powerful half-demon warrior who had slewn hundreds of adversaries with his giant sword, and people, especially Kagome, were finally going to start treating him as such!
There was another pause between them, until Kagome just let out a sigh and turned her head back to her laptop.
Another reason that the notion of demons and humans co-existing is ridiculous, she typed, is that, even supposing that the demons weren't actively trying to kill humans, I'm near-certain they would still find creative ways of making humans lose their wills to live.
Inuyasha's eyes widened when he realized that she was, of all things, IGNORING him! He had just unleashed an indescribable belch in her face that had roughly the power of a 1-gigawatt subwoofer, and here she was simply going to let it slide and resume whatever nonsense she had to accomplish for school back in her era!
This makes no sense! He screamed in his mind. She's sat me for way less than that! Damn you, woman, sit me! SIT ME! But no matter how many imaginary holes he burned into her skull with his eyes, she still would only focus on her essay. I WILL NOT BE DENIED! With that declared mentally, he went for a much less majestic, but nevertheless annoying tactic.
Kagome noted out of the corner of her eye that Inuyasha had decided to leave. Satisfied that, as she had suspected, her ignoring him was enough to make him lose interest in her in that all he wanted was to provoke a reaction, she resumed concentrating. Just then, she felt something in her hair. Looking up, she saw that Inuyasha, with a great, big sadistic grin, was plucking various bugs from the tree and dropping them in her hair.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Get down here!" She ordered, putting the laptop aside. Inuyasha gleefully dropped down to face her and await her wrath.
Instead, she placed a palm on his forehead, creating a confused look on his face. "Have you got a fever or something?" She asked. "I don't sense any spirits possessing you either…" She performed some quick examinations of his head, throat, and raised her index finger before his eyes, moving it left, right, up and down, making sure his pupils followed. All the while, the bugs crawled about her scalp.
"You…you've got…y'know, BUGS in your hair." Inuyasha informed her.
"Well, I know that." She said as she continued examining him for any signs of an anomaly.
"Uh…doesn't that freak you out?" The situation at hand challenged one of the stereotypes about women Inuyasha had long believed. As he brought that to her attention, she nonchalantly brushed most of the bugs away with her right hand while still examining him with her left.
"Are you kidding? We've fought insect demons the size of houses. Why would you think I'd freak out over these little things?" She wondered. Something was definitely up. Inuyasha was acting odd, even by his standards, and from what she could tell, he was neither possessed nor in any trauma. Inwardly, he was cursing his luck, all the while trying to subconsciously put a command in her head.
Sit me! Sit me! Sit me! Sit me! Sit me! Sit me! SIT ME, YOU IDIOT! He violently thought while staring it her intensely. This didn't go unnoticed by Kagome, who asked one final time.
"You sure you're okay?"
"FINE!" He said at a volume that borderlined yelling. She gave him one last look before shrugging.
"Okay, then." With that, she picked up her laptop and sat down next to the tree again. Inuyasha gaped in disbelief.
What is with this woman! Last month, she sat me for chewing my food too loud! She'll sit me for any casual reason, but when I go out of my way to annoy her, she just sits there and takes it! Oh, THAT IS IT!
"AHA!" Inuyasha declared as he snatched away her laptop.
"Hey!" Now genuinely aggravated, Kagome rose. "Give it back!" She reached for it, but Inuyasha held it high in the air, just beyond her reach. "You're gonna break it!" She yelled at him, leaping for it, only to have him toss it into his other hand.
"What are you gonna do about it, huh?" He mocked as he kept the laptop out of her grasp like a basketball player guarding his ball. "You gonna make me? Huh? Huh?" He teased, peppering his torment by poking her with his finger. "Go ahead, try and make me!"
Now, Kagome wasn't an idiot. And she also knew that Inuyasha wasn't an idi…well, for the most part wasn't an idiot. Therefore it stood to reason that he knew very well that she could sit him for this asinine behaviour, and yet he was persisting all the same.
What's more was that Inuyasha's mouth was twitching up on the left side. Ordinarily dismissed as a quirk, Kagome came to learn that this was something Inuyasha subconsciously did whenever he was either lying or hiding something. She recalled how crazy it had twitched that time he had tried to lie his way out of taping her trying to learn the tango. It had also been an incredibly useful thing on the few occasions where they had played poker, and Kagome had successfully won an opportunity to braid the half-demon's long, silver mane. (Against this, Kagome had wagered her giving him fifty dollars, a fake I.D., and an unsupervised hour at the liquor store in her era.)
Regardless, something was definitely up about the scenario she now found herself embroiled in. Part of the mystery, she was able to figure out:
He wants me to sit him. She correctly deduced. But why? It's been so long since I've last had to. He's been behaving so well. Why on earth would he pull a sudden 180? She stood there, now observing him, trying to figure out his motivation. When he noticed that she wasn't doing anything, he stopped dancing and juggling her laptop.
"WELL?" he shouted at her.
"Well…what?" She asked cautiously.
"Aren't you going to do something about this?" He asked desperately. As if to give her a big hint, he shook his head so that the un-cursed necklace he was wearing jingled. Kagome picked up on this instantly.
"Um…no." She said, deciding that whatever he wanted from this, she wanted no part of it.
"What! Yes you are!" He shouted as he approached her. Kagome now had the expression of Freaked-out-ness that Inuyasha had intended for her when he dropped bugs on her.
He really DOES want to be sat! Why would he… Then, a thought popped into her mind. It has been awhile…does he…does he LIKE being sat? She stunned herself with that idea, just as Inuyasha brought his face right up to hers.
"Hello?" He shouted. Inuyasha didn't want to just outright tell her that he couldn't be sat anymore. He absolutely wanted her to say the command in full confidence so that he could see the look on her face when it failed. But now, the implied subtext of his teasing was so obvious, he wondered if she was picking up on it.
"I…I don't think I want to." She said, backing away. No…no, get a hold of yourself, girl, that's insane. He's not a masochist! You know how pissed he gets whenever you sit him…
…But then, if he hates it so much, then why has he just kept doing things over the years that make me want to sit him?
No, no, he's just prideful, that's why he wouldn't learn. Yeah, that's it…
But then again, I haven't sat him in two weeks, and now he's practically begging for one!
Oh God, what if he does like it, and not getting it for the past two weeks has made him desperate? The more Kagome allowed her mind to wander on the topic, the more and more she horrified herself with escalatingly sick ideas.
"HEY!" Inuyasha yelled right to her face, snapping her back to reality with a jump. Her mind racing, she knew she had to get out of here so that she could think more clearly. "Where are you going!" Inuyasha called after her as she took off.
"I just remembered something in town I needed to do!" She rattled off, so desperate to get away that she failed to notice the lameness of her excuse.
"I've still got your magic book thingy!" he reminded her, waving it in the air.
"Keep it! It's yours!" She said as she disappeared behind the trees. Inuyasha could only stare in the direction she took off from, completely dumbfounded.
Does she know? Damn it! He wondered. No…no she can't know. Not judging by her reaction. That wasn't a reaction of realization. He decided. I don't know what the hell kind of reaction THAT was, but it wasn't realization. Good. Then there's still a chance.
"Child, you seem so flushed." Lady Kaede observed when Kagome sat down across from her in her hut. "Is something the matter?"
I have a sneaking suspicion Inuyasha might be a machinist and has probably been getting off on my sitting him with that necklace all these years, so for the love of all that is good and decent, get it the hell off him! Kagome shrieked in her mind.
"I was wondering…" Kagome spoke, her actual speaking voice contrasting starkly with the screaming in her mind. "…is there any way to remove the cursed rosary necklace you put on Inuyasha?" Kaede raised her eyebrows to this inquiry.
"Why, Child? Is there something wrong?" The request seemed odd. That necklace had been on Inuyasha for about two years now, and she knew of no sudden reason why Kagome would want it removed.
"Nothing's wrong, it's just…" Kagome hesitated. "Uh…his…birthday?…is coming up, and, uh, since we know he's on our side now and I don't need to keep him in line, I thought it would be a nice gesture of a present!" She rattled off, praying that Kaede didn't have any lie detection spells active.
Kaede didn't, but that didn't change the fact that it was plainly obvious to anyone with an inkling of common sense that Kagome was hiding something. Still, Kaede knew that Kagome was a level-headed girl with good-judgement, so if she had her reasons, Kaede should feel safe accommodating for them.
"I can, yes dear." She informed Kagome with a comforting smile. "But removing a cursed necklace is an very delicate process. You see, I have to be extremely careful my magic won't accidentally choke him to death while I remove it."
"Okay." Kagome nodded. "So, if I can get him in here, then you can…"
"He doesn't necessarily have to be in here, my dear. I can perform the ritual from anywhere and it will dispel the necklace. I just basically have to do the same incantation I did to get it on him in the first place, only several hundred times slower."
"Oh…all right. So…that would take…"
"About three hours, child." Kagome quickly smiled, and it just as soon faded. That still gave Inuyasha tree hours to harass her some more. She'd just have to separate herself from him for now.
Now in the fading evening light, Shippo and Sango mashed away at the buttons on the two tiny little versions of Kagome's magic picture book, each one hooked to the other on a rubbery rope. Mastering it unusually quickly, Shippo at last learned the taste of victory as he shot down Sango's digital airplane.
"Oh yeah!" The little demon bragged as he pumped his tiny fist in the air. "These things are awesome! I swear, I could do this all day!"
"Hey!" Just then, Inuyasha stopped in front of the two, his arms crossed around his chest unusually tightly. "You two seen KaAAAIIIEEE!" he yelped, suddenly squishing his arms against his chest even tighter. "…Kagome?"
"Uh…" Sango started. "She said she had to go home for a few hours. She'll be back later tonight." Inuyasha looked crushed at that information. He then looked alarmed when something in his shirt made a squeaking grunt. "Um,…Inuyasha, is there some sort of live animal in your clothes?"
"……………..no." Inuyasha at last replied, darting back off into the woods. Upon reaching them and being out of sight, he roughly reached into his shirt via the collar and yanked out an irate racoon. "Scram! You're of no use to me now!" After sending the poor beast flying into the depths of the forest, he sat down and did something rare of him: He began to contemplate.
Kagome was gone, and now half of his plans were spoiled. He was desperate to get the reaction out of her that he wanted, but still, she'd only be gone for a few hours.
He could wait after all…couldn't he?
After all, he wasn't so petty that he'd actually chase her all the way through a five hundred year time portal just to annoy her…was he?
Knowing the answer before he even asked himself, the scarlet half-breed was running towards the Bone-Eater's Well, with a great big smirk.
Kagome breathed a great-big sigh as she relaxed in her living room's recliner, her morbidly obese cat resting comfortably on her lap. It was perfectly quiet, with her mother and grandfather off attending some antiquity lecture in town and Sota over at a friend's place. She was physically comfortable, but the notion of what went through her head today chilled her to the bones.
That was a little ridiculous of you, Kagome. She scolded herself. Thinking that he's a masochist! For Cripes sake, he's just weird! Still, it probably wouldn't be bad to take that necklace off him anyways. I do know that he's a quasi-decent guy, and that he's not going to kill or betray any of us.
Besides, whatever reason he had for trying to provoke me today, I'm sure it had to be some stupid reason OTHER than getting off on it. I mean, that's just what I get for being raised in an era where I know more about sex and perversion at sixteen, thanks to prime-time television, than previous generations did before they were fifty. So just don't think about it anymore. Just relax and enjoy this little nap.
Still…now that I think back on things…he really does have a penchant for getting hurt, doesn't he? I mean, I've seen him charge headfirst into danger and get stabbed, cut, bruised, impaled, beaten and crotch-kicked, but he's always the first one to dive into danger.
Oh, for…he's just brave! Sometimes stupid…but…yeah, brave! You know all those shots he took for you! It was noble, if anything. How could you twist that into something perverted?
Waitaminute…didn't Kikyo mention that they used to physically fight a lot? They all tell me that she beat his ass every time, but he just kept coming back for more and…and, oh GAWD, THEY GOT TOGETHER AFTER THAT! What if that whole thing where he got nailed to the tree was really just a parlour game that went too far before someone said the safety word! What if all this time he's been trying to get me to be his new dominatrix!
"BAH!" Screamed something before Kagome's thought process had a chance to once again rationalize things.
"AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" Screamed Kagome as she opened her eyes to see Inuyasha leaning over her, his face mere millimetres away from hers. In her alarm, she dove back and ended up tripping the recliner backwards, crashing into the coffee table and sending the screeching kitty flying. Inuyasha was more so impressed with this acrobatic tumble, but put on his best asshole mask.
"Ha ha ha!" He mocked as he placed a bent leg on the overturned recliner, as if conquering it. "Hey, cunt, I've decided to take over this house and make it my own personal living space! I'm kicking you and your family out! What do you say to that?" Kagome got up from the pile she had just created, noticed the crazy look in Inuyasha eyes, and blurted out.
"Yeah, sure! I guess that sounds reasonable…I'll leave right away." She said meekly as she retreated out the back room.
"HUH?" Inuyasha barked, now truly aggravated. Hardly one to give in, he gave chase. "Hey, get back here!"
"No!" She shouted back as she burst out the back door and into the courtyard.
"I said come here!" He demanded as he dove at her.
"Get away from me!" She screeched, performing an impressive avoid, reminiscent of a football player.
"Dammit all…" Inuyasha roared as he followed her, so blurred in his frustration that he no longer cared about seeing the defeated expression on her face. Now, he just blindly wanted the fucking word to be spoken. "…SIT ME!"
"Good God, NO!" Came the screech of the horrified girl as she hurled herself toward the well house.
"I said SIT ME!"
Sango and Shippo marched quietly through the woods, Sango having decided to go on one last wild-demon patrol before dark, and Shippo tagging along while tooling around with a NERF B.F.G. 39000.
"Man, I hope we run into something! I can't wait to blow something away with this baby!" The kitsune squealed, pointing in all directions the toy gun nearly twice his own size.
"What are you gonna do when that "Something" finds out that those darts hurt about as much as getting uppercut from Myoga?" Sango said, despite her amusement at the kid's zeal.
"Oh, that." Shippo noted. "I fixed that."
"You…what? How did you 'fix' it?"
"I went by the town armoury and replaced all the rubber tips on this with steel arrowheads. The next monster we come across is Swiss freakin' cheese!" You'll have no problem imagining the look of horror on Sango's face as this information was relayed to her.
"Shippo…" She said as calmly as she could. " Give me that thing."
"Why?" Inquired Shippo as he attempted to rest the gun against his shoulder. Right then, the sensitive trigger went off and a foam shaft with a steel arrow on it was sent skyward. Screeching in shock, the boy dropped the gun, setting off its Rapid-Fire mode. About twenty more darts were sent flying into all directions of the forest while Sango grabbed Shippo and tried to keep both of them behind the gun.
Just as Shippo clamed down and Sango breathed a sigh of relief, the two suddenly became aware of the sound of running, biking and yelling off in the distance.
"I said no!"
"No! You can't make me!"
Recognizing the voices as those of Kagome and Inuyasha, they both looked at each other, as if wanting to know that they just heard accurately what they did. When the sounds of screaming and chasing subsided off in the distance, both finally sighed and continued on, neither noticing the descending arrow until it stabbed into the ground a few centimetres away from where Shippo was walking towards.
Amazingly, Kagome succeeded in losing Inuyasha and had arrived in the village. Long ago, this would have been impossible given his superior speed and senses, but over time, when trying to return home despite Inuyasha's attempts to prevent that, she picked up little tricks such as squirting bits of her brand of shampoo in places that would give off her scent and send him off in the wrong direction, and digging out strategically placed, leaf-covered pits in advance. This time, she also got some unexpected help when a stray, and unusually bright yellow arrow nailed her pursuer in the toe.
She rode down to the village as fast as her pedals could let her, and came to a screeching halt in front of Kaede's hut. Bursting inside, she startled the poor old woman.
"Please, GOD, tell me you've got that thing off of him now!" She pleaded in ragged breath.
"Er…" Kaede stumbled, awfully confused. "Yes, child. I actually finished the incantation just a few minutes ago. It should be off him now." Before Kagome could make any sort of relieved gesture, Inuyasha literally exploded through the door, almost unhinging it. Covered in dirt, one toe bloody and ragged of breath, he stomped up to Kagome, moving fast to corner her and, in his most threatening and disturbing voice, growled:
"pant…You…pant…are going…pant…to sit me. pant And you are going…pant…to sit me…pant…RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" Faced with this anger, Kagome squeezed her eyes shut.
"Okay, okay, you win!" She caved, both out of intimidation and knowing that it was now safe for her to use her abusive vocabulary without anyone taking some sort of sick pleasure in it. Kaede could only stare with absolute incredulousness at this exchange.
Kagome took in a deep breath. A suspenseful smirk emerged on Inuyasha's face. Both were fully confident that nothing would happen.
"Sit." Went Kagome.
"EeyAAAOOOWWW!" Went Inuyasha.
"CRACK" Went the floorboards.
Kagome opened her eyes and covered her mouth in horror. Inuyasha's face had just been propelled to the floor just as well as it ever did. She looked over at Kaede with a look that clearly expressed a sentiment of What the fuck, you senile old bitch! Kaede could only offer an honestly perplexed shrug in response.
"OhGodohGodohGod…" Kagome rambled, her cheeks full of red as she fled the building. Inuyasha grumbled a streak of curses as he pulled himself back up. His eyes wide as dinner plates, his mind tried to wrap itself around the devastating notion that he had, after everything he had gone through, just had his ass sat. Gripping at his necklace in fury, wondering how it could have possibly regained its cursed power, he found that it was now once again locked securely around his neck.
"What the six or seven layers of hell!" He roared. Did Kagome just re-infuse his necklace with its powers by saying the magic word? Does she have that kind of holy powers? He turned his infuriated face to Kaede, who looked like she had achieved a level of confusion not normally attained by mere mortals.
Gripping the necklace, still, Inuyasha stormed outside the hut, trying to figure how the hell this had happened and what could be done about it. Before he got too far, Kagome suddenly blocked his path.
"I…" Before he could begin, she silenced him when she brought a finger up to his face.
"Don't…don't say anything. I think I know what's going on with you." She said, unable to look him in the eye.
"You…do?" He asked, not quite sure what she was talking about.
"Look, you have…ugh…needs. I get that." She continued uncomfortably. "But you've got to know that I can't take any part in it anymore. Not knowing what I do now."
"So…here." She said, holding up a tiny device to him. He eyed it cautiously before taking it.
"It's a mini-voice recorder." She said, answering the question he was about to ask. "I've already set the button for…my voice recording. Saying…you know…" She trailed off. "Just, please, don't ever ask me to do it again, and don't ever do it in front of me, okay?"
With that, she turned and hurried back to her hut. Mentally exhausted as he was, Inuyasha stared off at her for several moments before returning his attention to the device she had given him.
"So what the heck is th…" He pondered as he pressed the button.
"Sit!" Came Kagome's voice on the recording on the device. Inuyasha promptly ate dirt.
The proud Inuyasha had never once thrown an infant-like temper tantrum before, not even when he himself was an infant, but about now he was thinking there was no time like the present to try something new.
"AAAAAAHHHHHAAARRRGGGHHHHH! WHHHHYYYYYY! WHY CAN'T I WIN! WHY DO THE GODS HATE ME! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO THEM! COCKASSHITMOTHERFUCKINGDOUCHEWANGCUNTBIIIIITCH!" Such whining and swearing went on for minutes with the half-demon kicking and punching the ground in frustration. When he had just about tuckered himself out, he simply laid there in total silence, with no one else in the village daring to step out of their huts.
Everyone, that is, except Kaede, who made a quick comment while sticking her head out the hut.
"By the way, Inuyasha, happy birthday." And she instantly withdrew.