Alcohol Induced

A/N: Set in the time of Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, after the original game. All is meant for entertainment and the reading enjoyment of the public. Special thanks to Alexandra the 17th for inspiration and information. Love ya, Alex. J

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII: AC and its associated characters do not belong to this authoress. Pairing of main hero and heroine may annoy some people.


"PARTY TIME!!!" was the cry that had started it all.

Tifa had supplied the much needed food and beverages. (A.k.a chips and beer. TONS of beer)

The two Turks, Rude and Reno, supplied the entertainment. (Who'd have thought Rude could actually break dance?)

Red XIII, Yuffie, Cid, Vincent, Barett and Cloud consumed enough liquor to declare their livers completely unusable for the rest of their lives. (How Red XIII managed to grip a beer bottle between his teeth and chug down more beer than CID was something everyone kind of forgot because of the hangovers)

"Yuffie! You're underage!!" laughed Cid. Had he been a lobster, a French chef would have fished him out and served him with butter on a silver platter. With fondue for added taste.

"Oh go and-"

(Here, we censor Yuffie's following choice of words for the benefit of our younger and less-inclined-to-curse readers.)

"-UP YOUR ARSE!"

Cid just howled with laughter and fell off his chair. Barett joined him later with a loud thump that made the floorboards shudder and both started bellowing some old song no one had heard of in a decade. Yuffie had convinced Tifa to join them at the table and quoting the ninja, "drink till her eyes rolled inwards and her bladder exploded!"

Tifa didn't drink until the extent of having her body parts perform acrobatic stunts and spontaneous combustion.

But she DID drink enough to lose all sense of embarrassment and balance before getting on Vincent's lap and warbling along to Barett and Cid's… song. (If yelling lyrics in a sort of drunken stupor and hitting new notes that could actually get the ceiling fan to shake and shiver, singing. One of the shot glasses actually squeaked in protest).

Reno managed to stay sober long enough to get some more beer from the back.

Before shoving Tifa off Vincent's lap and dumping Yuffie on Vincent so Reno could sit on Yuffie's chair. Rude guffawed. (You could tell he's well and truly drunk by then).

Vincent merely smirked and announced that all the girls were welcome to sit on his lap. (He was REALLY drunk...)

Followed by Cloud who commented that Vincent was a lecherous conman who cheated on girls. He should only have one girl on his lap. Cloud then followed this up with a demonstration.

Tifa now sat on Cloud's knee, pink and giggling.

Which wasn't far from Cloud's condition. He was only red though, not giggly.

Yuffie on the other hand, swung her beer bottle out in a joyous cheer and nearly clonked Red XIII unconscious.

"I officially de… decl… SAY! That this is the BEST night in my sixteen years!!"

Cheers of approval punctuated this. And a couple of hiccups.

"AND-!" continued Yuffie, one hand clinging to Vincent's neck. "I SAY, we KICK those… those… GREY HAIRED-"

(More unmentionable terms followed)

Roars and fists punching air ensued.

"AND MAKE SURE THEY HAVE PIKES SHOVED UP THEIR-"

(MORE unmentionable terms)

"AND KICK THEIR SORRY ARSES BACK TO WHERE THEY CRAWLED FROM!!!"

"YEAH!!"

"Hear, hear Yuffie!"

"Yuff…Yuff… she's who again?"

Clonk! Went the beer bottle.

"I'm Yuffie, you TWIT!"

"Yuffie! You're here!" discovered Barett from the floor.

"Just how are we going to… uh…" Cloud scrunched up his face, not remembering Yuffie's roaring. "Do what… what's-her-name said?"

Clonk!

"YUFFIE, you moron! YUFFIE!"

"Go, Yuffster!" cheered Cid.

Rude raised his red bald head.

"Could always wrap em' in fishing nets and toss em' into the oc… oce… ocea… sea."

"That's not a bad idea!" prompted Tifa.

"But how're we gonna GET them into the fishing… thingies?" ventured Vincent unsteadily.

Reno lifted an index finger. "We knock em' unconscious!"

Yuffie chugged down more beer. "How do we… make em' un… uncon… faint?"

"…who're you again?"

Clonk!

"YUFFIE! I'm YUFFIE, for cryin' out loud!"

"Yeah, you go Yuffster!" cheered Barett.

Red XIII had been resting his head on the table, a beer bottle stuck in his mouth and constantly pouring alcohol across his tongue and into his throat. Using his paws, he maneuvered the bottle upright and spoke up, the growl his voice was accustomed to using flying the coop.

His voice had now gone wobbly and unsteady, as all drunken voices would sound.

"Knock em' out… using… glarlars…" Red XIII then fell over, snoring.

"…glarglars?" repeated Vincent dizzily, watching green Chocobos dance the Macarena.

"He means glandular!" offered Yuffie, taking another swig of beer.

"You knock people out with glands?" pondered Barett, still on the floor.

"Stupid! He means…" Cid thought for a minute. "Granolas!!"

"Granola bars?" wondered Cloud slowly.

"NO!" yelled Reno. "He means pillars!!"

"Pillars? What pillars?"

"To… to… knock someone out?"

"Who?"

"Who what?"

"Knock who what?"

"Knock what?"

"Who?"

"Eh?"

"I have a pink dress!!" announced Yuffie happily.

"Knock the pink dress?" pondered Tifa.

"Why not the door?" asked Vincent, voice surprisingly coherent.

Cloud dizzily and painfully recollected his thoughts.

"Uh… pillars… to knock the… Grey Triplets out… I think…"

"Who?"

"Why them?"

"How we knock Grey Triplets?"

"Who's grey?"

"Grey? Whassat?"

"NO!!" yelled Tifa. "We… knock Triplets… then we…" She scrunched up her face. "Use… uh… frying pans to… throw em'…"

"Frying pans?"

"What's a pan?"

"Throw who where?"

"Eh?"

"I remember… nets…?"

"FISHING NETS!!" cried out Cid happily.

"Fishie?"

"Eh?"

"Frying nets?"

"FLYING nets!"

"Lying nets!!"

"MINING nets!!"

"Yuffing net?"

Clonk!

"The name's Yuffster!"

"Go Yuffing!" cheered Cid and Barett.

"…why're we drinking again?" Reno contemplated.

"Why indeed!" supported Rude.

"…coz… coz… eh?" replied Vincent, his bottle slipping out his hands.

Cloud tried his fiercest to regain control over his consciousness and his sense of balance. He looked blurrily at the someone sitting on his knee.

"…who're you?"

Clonk!

"I'm… I'm…" Yuffie looked nonplussed. "Who am I?"

"Silly!!" chuckled Cid. "You're Yuffing!"

"Not you!" growled Cloud. He slowly poked the one sitting on his lap. "This one." (Poking the ARM, you perverts.)

Tifa giggled. Something tickled her arm just now.

Cloud poked again, for response.

Tifa giggled.

Poke.
Giggle.
Poke.
Giggle.

Yuffie squealed as she saw fluffy pink, florescent green and orange Cait Sith jump in and dance the can-can on the table.

Poke.
Giggle.

Cid and Barett resumed howling an old song.

Poke. Poke.
Giggle. Giggle.

Red XIII snored on, well and truly out of it.

Poooke.
Giggle giggle giggle.

Vincent fell off his chair with a crash.

"AAAAH!!" Yuffie tumbled off as well as a result.

Then looked confused.

"Where'd Cait go?"

Cloud gave up poking the arm.

He started poking Tifa's side now.

"Cait!! Where'd you goooo!?"

Tifa squealed.

Reno and Rude fell to the floor with another crash.

Poke!
Squeal!

"My BONNIE lies over the OCEEEAAAN!!" warbled Cid and Barett.

"Tell LAURA I LOVED HER!!" joined in Rude and Reno.

"CAAAIT!!"

Snore…

Snore…

Poke.
Squeal!

"TEELL LAURA I NEEEED HER!!" sang Reno.

"MY BONNIE LIES OVER DA SEEEEA!!"

"TELL BONNIE I NEED HER SEA!!"

"MY LAURA LIES OVER THE PLANET…!!!"

"OH BRING BACK MY LAURIE TO MEEEEE!!!" finished Cid, Barett, Reno and Rude in unison.

Clonk!!!

"The name's Yuffie Yuffster Yuffing!!!"

THUMP!

With that, Yuffie was knocked out cold.

Reno, Rude, Barett and Cid were lying in separate positions all across the floor.

Leaving Cloud and Tifa the only ones still awake.

Sober was a condition beyond all hope of reaching at this point.

They looked at each other blurrily.

"…"

"…"

"…."

"…."

"…mm?"

"…mm."

"…Mmm…?"

"Mm."

"…hm?"

"…hmm."

Both fell asleep, Tifa on Cloud, Cloud in the chair.

The Silver Haired Triplets could clearly rest easy that night.


The next morning…

"Urrgh…"

"Groan…"

"Blaaargh…"

"Moan…"

"Nooo…"

"Aaaargh…"

"Mmhph?! Greaaargh…"

Thus are the sounds of the traditional hangover sufferers.

"The sun… is… CRUEL…" muttered Reno.

Cid cursed and cursed and cursed again till his tongue nearly dropped off out of the sheer foulness of the words.

Barett just lay on the floor, groaning unintelligibly.

Yuffie had stolen Vincent's cloak and buried her face in it, trying not to move and throw up.

Vincent was cupping his face with one hand, wishing whoever it was that was pounding a rusty nail into the side of his brain would just go and-

(More unmentionables)

Red XIII was cursing his utter stupidity at indulging in humanity's stupidest idea yet: drinking themselves silly.

Rude handled the hangover with a practiced air: going right back into unconsciousness.

And as for Cloud and Tifa…?

Tifa stirred, a headache pounding away in her skull like a drummer gone high with a pair of really sharp drumsticks. She couldn't help but release a small whimper.

Something cold pressed against her forehead, jolting her slightly.

"Stay still."

The firm murmur caused her to try and pry one eyelid open. But piercing sunlight does NOT make any hangover sufferer feel any better. She immediately closed her eyes again.

Someone lifted her gently and pressed something against her lips.

"Drink. It's water."

Tifa SLOWLY parted her lips and felt a trickle of water swirl into her mouth. Little by little, she swallowed until her throat felt less like something that had been dead for over three weeks had been shoved into it.

The someone lowered her back onto something soft.

"Where… am I?" She asked, VERY slowly and softly after she felt like she could speak without throwing up.

"Your bed." She could feel that someone throw a blanket over her.

"How…"

"Carried you up a few hours ago."

Through the incessant pounding and the pain, a small light bulb flicked on in Tifa's hurting brain.

"…Cloud…?"

There was acknowledging silence. (How this is possible, this authoress knows not) (1)

The red fog lifted a little from her mind, enabling her to think just by that much. "…don't you… have a hangover…?"

"Head feels like it's on fire," He answered casually.

THAT made Tifa jolt upwards, the cold compress falling off her forehead.

The sudden movement made the pounding drums in her skull just get louder and more painful. "Iteiteiteiteiteiteiteiteiteiteitei…!!!"

"Baka." Cloud picked up the compress again and pressed it back against her forehead. "I told you to stay still."

"And you…!?" demanded Tifa with less severity than she'd have liked, her glare not feeling as fierce as she'd have wanted it to as well. "You get in here right now… and you sleep… the hangover off!!"

Cloud raised an eyebrow. Truth was, he'd been pressing the compress against his own head before Tifa woke up. It's not like he was stupid enough to just bear the pain like THAT. And while it was true his head DID feel like it was on fire, it was better than wanting it to be chopped off so the damn pounding and aching would just cease and desist.

"I'm fine. You look like you've just been run over by a thousand Dragons."

"I feel like it…" muttered Tifa. "But that's not the point! You look just as bad, Cloud. At least go and rest."

Cloud just pushed Tifa back onto the pillows and made sure the compress stayed on her head.

"I'll live. Go back to sleep." He had a higher threshold for pain than Tifa and both of them knew it.

Then again, Tifa never claimed to be anything less than a complete and utter tomboy and therefore was not expected to be meek and mild.

"Cloud Strife, I don't care whether…" Tifa winced as something in her skull squeezed her brain in a vice. "Whether you think your male ego… is going to suffer. Go… get some sleep. NOW."

Cloud sighed. The command was tempting to follow since his brain felt like someone was whacking it with iron shovels and pickaxes.

But he'd much rather have this stubborn excuse of a girl sleep first before he went and slept off his own headache.

Tifa, mustering up whatever energy that wasn't going into trying not to wince at the drill that was boring into her left temple, smacked Cloud lightly on the upper arm.

"I am not stubborn."

"…I was saying all that out loud?" Apparently the headache was so loud, he couldn't even hear his own thoughts if he didn't say them out loud.

Tifa sighed. "Cloud, please go get some sleep. It's not like… I've got anywhere… to go…" Wince.

Cloud grimaced at the wince. "I won't unless you sleep first."

"What…?!"

"Yes. I've got to make sure you're okay before I sleep." He looked serious.

"I promised to protect you."

Tifa, despite the protesting innards in her skull, turned slightly pink. She smiled slightly.

"Sleep. 'Kay?"

"Yes."

Tifa laid back, her head touching the soft pillow and breathed a sigh of relief. As she started to drift off, she felt someone sit beside her and felt his hand touch hers. She gripped his hand in return, a small smile on her lips.

Cloud allowed his own small smile to flicker on his face as he watched Tifa slip into sleep, still holding his hand.

He had promised to protect her no matter what.

That included headaches too, didn't it?

He didn't bother trying to answer that one as he discovered Tifa had a tight hold even while fast asleep. So Cloud being a sensible person and in need of sleep, did the only thing he could think of at the moment.

He got onto the bed and placed his head beside Tifa's on another pillow. Making sure there was a respectable distance between the both of them, Cloud drifted off as well, he and Tifa's intertwined hands resting between him and her.

Somehow, hangovers could bring about some pretty nice results.

The End.


(1) The authoress's friend, Alex the 17th concurs that this term is only applicable to heroes you KNOW just keep silent most of the time (i.e. Cloud Strife and Squall Leonhart). It's probably like a different language, silence.

Hope you guys enjoyed reading. Peace out!