The story opens with the scene of the ruins of a castle. A brown-haired girl with blue cat-ears and a blue cat's tail, wearing a green kimono, is leaning against a familiar-looking statue. She appears to be asleep. Someone dressed in a black cloak runs up and shakes her awake, startling her.
"Oh!! Hello there!" she laughs, sheepishly. "I'm ArtikGato. Welcome to my story! Here's my disclaimer: 'I don't own Slayers or Greek mythology! Heaven help me if I did!'" she continues. "Please read my author's notes at the bottom of the story so you'll understand the story! Now without further adieu, I present to you..."
The Slayers Version of the Legend of the Minotaur
"...narrator? NARRATOR!!" the authoress shreiks, and runs offstage, returning a second later, dragging a rather disgruntled Hellmaster Phibrizzo behind her.
"Let go of me, pathetic mortal!" Phibrizzo warns, making a yellow glass ball appear in his hand, threateningly. The authoress just sweatdrops and hands him a script.
"Just narrate, please?" she asks. Phibrizzo rolls his eyes and coughs.
"All right...all right," he concedes, and sits down at the base of the familiar-looking statue, glancing through the script. We now notice that the statue is actually a statue of Zelgadis...except that he isn't so much a chimera as more of a man/bull creature... The authoress skips off happily to observe and eat popsicles. In November. Phibrizzo clears his throat and begins to read...
'There was a time when the kingdom of Xoana was rich, flourishing kingdom. This was during the reign of King Zangalus and Queen Martina. Zangalus was a powerful king, who held dominion over everything within the Kingdom of Xoana...save one thing: the Great White Bull of Deepsea Dolphin. This bull rampaged through Xoana, leaving terror and destruction in his wake. Zangalus, obviously, was less than pleased with this, so he vowed to take his Demonic Howling Sword and slay the beast. Well, Deepsea Dolphin was rather attached to her bull, who she affectionately nicknamed "Bubba", so she went to her older sister, Beastmaster Zelas, for help. Zelas was unable to dissuade Zangalus from killing Bubba, so instead she decided to put a curse on Zangalus. Zelas took control of Martina's mind, and the result, nine months after the death of Bubba the Great White Bull, was born...'
Martina: Doctor, is it a boy or a girl?
Doctor: OO" It's half bull...
Zangalus: HALF WHAT?!
Doctor: Umm...I could get a veterinarian in here, if you want...
Zangalus: (menacing glare at the doctor)
Martina: (is handed the baby) Aww! It's so CUTE!! What should we name it, honey?
Zangalus: (reaching for his sword) How about "dead"?
Martina: No! Hey, I know! How about "Bubba II"?
Zangalus: (draws sword)
Martina: (obliviously) Or maybe "Zelgadis"?
'...and so, they named the half man, half bull "Zelgadis", and, under Martina's insistence, tried to raise him like a normal child. They soon found that Zelgadis was moody, brooding, depressed, guzzled coffee by the gallon, and liked to bite Zangalus. Repeatedly. Zangalus was less than pleased with this strange new turn of events. Worse yet, the ignorant masses, who began to call the child a "Zangalataur", began to speculate that he, too was half bull and that the child really was his. So, behind Martina's back, Zangalus had a huge labyrinth built below his palace, and upon completion he let Zelgadis "play" in the labyrinth, never to return again. Martina was crushed, so Zangalus decided to appease her by rounding up a group of women to send into the labyrinth to keep Zelgadis company...'
Guard: No children. Go back home.
Lina: CHILD?! I AM NO CHILD!! DAMU BRAS!
Amelia: Yeah! Me neither!
Guard: (charred, smoking and on the ground) B...but I thought you didn't WANT to be sacrifices to the Zangalataur!
Lina: Sacrifices?! Heck no! The king promised me a year's supply of dragon cuisine if I could kill the Zangalataur!
Amelia: Besides, Love and Justice will surely prevail! I know we can persuade the Zangalataur to give up his evil ways and rejoin the rest of society as a normal person!
Guard: Boy, do YOU people have problems...
Gourry: (in a pink dress) TT Why do I have to be dressed like this?
Lina: (hits him) Shut up!
Nagha: OH HO HO HO HO HO!!!
Guard: Please stop laughing, ma'am!
'When the group sent into the labyrinth didn't return for weeks, the king sent for a brave hero who would slay the beast. The first to arrive was a gallant, dashing young man with green hair named Valgaav, who hailed from...uh...somewhere.'
'Upon his arrival, the beautiful young daughter of Zangalus and Martina, the princess Filia, fell in love with Valgaav. She did not want him to be killed by her baby brother, so she devised a plan. First, she gave him a ball of string, to which she devotedly held one end of. Secondly, she promised him that if he followed the string back to her, she would marry him. Filia was very beautiful, and so Valgaav agreed. With the ball of string Filia gave him, Valgaav set out into the labyrinth to do battle with the fearsome Zangalataur, who had mysteriously grown to the age of a teenager by this time.'
Valgaav: Zangalataur, prepare to di- eh?
Zelgadis: (rushes up to him and grabs him by the shoulders) KILL ME!! PLEASE!!
Amelia: Oh Mister Zel-GA-dis!! (glomps him) Fear not, Mister Zelgadis! This man can show us the way out of this labyrinth, and then you can rejoin the rest of society and live like a normal person!!
Zelgadis: But I'm not a normal person!! Don't you see?! I'm a circus freak!!
Amelia: I know there is a way to turn you into a normal human, Mister Zelgadis! Love and Justice will prevail!!
Zelgadis: Aaack! (chokes as she glomps harder)
Nagha: (sitting on a rock) OH HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!!
Lina: (sitting in the floor off to one side with Gourry) Got any threes?
Gourry: Go fish.
Gourry: Got any kings?
Lina: (looks down at her hand) DAMN! (hands him the king)
Gourry: So, does this mean I win again, Lina?
Lina: (fuming) THAT'S IT!! I CAN'T STAND THIS LABYRINTH ANYMORE!! I'M BLOWING IT SKY HIGH!! Darkness beyond twilight...
Gourry: Wait a second! Don't do it, Lina!
Zelgadis: (still has Amelia glomping him) (begins shaking Valgaav) PLEASE KILL ME!! FOR THE LOVE OF L-SAMA!!
Nagha: (still laughing)
Amelia: (starry eyed, oblivious to everything) Love and Justice will triumph!!
Gourry: (running for cover)
Lina: DRAGON SLAVE!!
'When Valgaav returned from the ruins of the labyrinth and the former castle, charred, smoking and looking rather roughed up from the explosion, a great feast was held in his honor. Well, if you want to be technical, he was actually chased by the King, Queen and a host of angry peasants back to his boat where he promptly set sail for home. Filia chose to follow her heart and followed Valgaav onto the ship, despite her parents' protests and death threats. That night, Valgaav had the ship stop on some random island so that they could sleep. In his dream, Valgaav was visited by the god of Fertility and Wine, Xelloss, who told him to leave Filia on the island and sail home.'
Xelloss: Valgaav, I want her for myself. Leave her here and sail home!
Valgaav: Like Hades I will!! I fully intend to take her back to wherever I'm from and make her my queen, even though I'm really only a lowly peasant and have no royal ties at all!
Xelloss: Well I intend to make her my bride and make her immortal! And give her dominion over dreams and stuff! Which do you think she would prefer, to be the wife of a lowly peasant or to have everything she's ever wanted, immortal life, and me as a bonus?
Valgaav: I'm NOT leaving her here!
Xelloss: (attacks him rabidy) LEAVE HER HERE, DAMMIT!!
'...and so, with great lament, Valgaav left Filia asleep on the island and sailed home. Unfortunately, Valgaav's fate was to be even more tragic than before. Valgaav's right-hand man, Jillas, had forgotten to change the sails from black to white. Black sails signified to Valgaav's father, Gaav, that Valgaav had died fighting the Zangalataur, while white sails signified that he was triumphant. There were also a set of pink sails, just in case Valgaav decided to make this story into a shonen-ai and/or yaoi fest and marry the Zangalataur. Gaav had already decided that if there were black or pink sails on the boat when it returned to port, he would kill himself. Anyway, when the black-sailed ship sailed into port, Gaav immediately killed himself. He was buried with his tacky orange trenchcoat. Valgaav, stricken at the loss of his father, killed himself. Jillas, who felt guilty that he hadn't changed the sails to white, killed himself, and a random peasant, who had witnessed the suicides, killed himself because he felt out-of-place.
Back on the island they had left her at, Filia awoke to find herself completely alone. She cried a LOT, but then something miraculous happened...'
"Umm...where's the rest of the script, authoress? Don't tell me this is the end of the story!" Phibrizzo asked, flipping through the rest of the script finding nothing but blank pages. The authoress walked back on stage and took the script back.
"That will be all, Phibrizzo. I no longer require a narrator. The rest of the story is going to be a mushy, Xelloss/Filia fluff scene. I doubt you'll want to stick around for that," the authoress informed him. Phibrizzo rolled his eyes and walked off.
THE MUSHY FLUFFY XELLOSS/FILIA SCENE:
After she had realized that her love, Valgaav, abandoned her, Filia wandered around the tiny island, distraught and crying. Soon enough, however, she was saved. The gods were watching her, and in particular, the god of Fertility and Wine. Xelloss had loved Filia from afar for some time now, but had been waiting for the perfect moment to seduce her. Now seemed like a good enough time to him: she was heartbroken, lonely, lost on a small deserted island with no people around... not that Xelloss doubted his skill at seducing women. He was the perverse god of Fertility and Drunkenness, after all. Well, with that decided, Xelloss decided to appear on the island.
Filia, startled, fell backwards as a purple-haired man wearing a long black and green cape materialized in front of her suddenly.
"Wh-who are you?" she asked. The man smiled, and knelt down before her, extending a gloved hand in which was a dark red rose.
"Surely you know who I am, Filia. I am Xelloss, one of the gods," he said, smirking slightly. She blinked at him.
"Xelloss? But why would you appear before me? I am just a lowly mortal...abandoned on this island..." she trailed off, sadly.
"Why, Filia, you need to ask?" he asked, smiling at her with his eyes closed. "It is because you are beautiful," he continued. "...very beautiful. I would like for you to be my bride," Filia gasped.
"Me? A bride to a god?" she asked, shocked. He nodded, opening one purple eye and looking at her.
"Yes, Filia. I can give you all you would ever want, and all you have to do..." he said, rising, and walking to her with both eyes open. She shifted her weight backwards, nervously, but did not move otherwise. "...is simply stay with me for all eternity," he finished, his voice getting softer and taking on a more seductive tone as he progressed. He took her hand in one of his and his other hand went to her chin, where he tipped her head up toward his, kissing her softly a second later. Instantly, all thoughts of Valgaav left her head as she silently agreed to his request. He grinned, still kissing her, and let go of her hand, wrapping his arm around her back. The two of them vanished from the island without a trace, to begin their eternal life together.
Author's Notes: I decided to try something new: beginning my story like a narrative! It was weird, not having the author's notes at the top like usual, but hey...
Anywho, I cooked this one up in much the same manner as my other Slayers/Greek Mythology story entitled "Filia: the Goddess of Love". While browsing through a bunch of myths, I came across this one, and instantly thought of it's potential as a Xelloss/Filia story. Of course, this is alternate universe, and some people are out-of-character. I think I got Xelloss' character perfectly...doesn't that seem like the kind of deceitful thing Xelloss would do? Valgaav and Amelia were probably the only ones out-of-character: Valgaav wouldn't have hesitated to kill Zelgadis, and he probably wouldn't have been so nice to Filia, while Amelia's character was just a magnified version of what it is already. Anyway...
King Minos: Zangalus
King Minos' Slutty Wife: Martina
The Minotaur: Zelgadis
Ariadne (Minos' daughter): Filia
Theseus (the hero): Valgaav
Dionysus (the Greek god of Fertility): Xelloss
Poseidon (the Greek god of the Ocean): Deepsea Dolphin
Zeus (the Greek god of all Greek gods): Beastmaster Zelas
Theseus' idiotic right-hand man: Jillas
Random Sacrifices to the Minotaur: Lina, Gourry, Amelia and Nagha
The Narrator: Hellmaster Phibrizzo (under extreme protest)
The original Greek myth is called "Ariadne and Dionysus", and, aside from the little scenes of randomness and the labyrinth and castle being leveled by a Dragon Slave, the myth and my story match up rather accurately. One can infer that when Theseus returned triumphant from the labyrinth there was a feast with a lot of singing and dancing and all that crap, since Greeks threw feasts for EVERYTHING...
Well, that's it! Comments, criticisms and suggestions are welcome, and I'll use any flames to burn the Trenchcoat of Tackiness (Gaav's horrible orange trenchcoat). Bye!!