SUMMARY: Being a teenager is complicated enough, but when you are born with a complete set of 23 years of memories, of a different you, and the most dreaded day of your life is two weeks ahead. Complicated is an understatement.
DISCLAIMER: Once again, we all know I don't own Charmed, why even bother with this? That is why.. again. Just first chapter gets this. Brad.. if you are reading this (cuz he probably is!), this goes for all the chapters, and I want Drew Fuller back!
A/N: YEAH!!! I have a Beta reader now! THANKS AK8! You are THE BEST!
April 11, 2018.
Mom and Dad read somewhere that writing a dairy could be therapeutic and they kind of instigated me to do it. It's not that I am a trouble kid or anything. The thing is being a teenager is complicated enough but when you are born with a complete set of 23 years of memories, of a different you, and the most dreaded day of your life is two weeks ahead, complicated is an understatement. And by the most dreaded day of my life I mean, my fourteen's birthday. That day, in my memories, my mom dies and my brother turns evil.
I mean, it's not like Mom, Dad or anyone knows what happened on my fourteenth birthday last time. It's that just now I took the advice and I'm writing my thoughts down, mainly because they are killing me. I don't want to worry Mom and Dad more than I already do. I mean, they are always so overprotective of me. First, I died in dad's arm and second, I get to remember all of this horrible life. That makes me almost incapable to relate with people sometimes. It's so hard to relate to a peer when you have already lived thirty six years (Twenty three Thirteen) instead of thirteen. But on the other hand, I am still a thirteen year old boy.
Not only that but now I am learning to hide it better, mainly for Mom and Dad, or Wy and ... everybody that is around me. But sometimes I have panic attacks when I remember what my other me had to live through. It's not that I am weak but he really had a hard life and when I was five, it was hard not to get scared with the slaughter imagines my mind would sometimes evoke. The nightmares on the other hand, I can't control them. I guess that is why the other me never slept in the manor. It's virtually impossible for me, or for him in his time, to control not waking up every night screaming, sweating and pleading.
The one thing I will always thank, is that he did all that for me and hopefully this time, it won't happen again. And if it does, I will be prepared.
I mean, my life is already better. My dad demoted himself to whitelighter and now he only takes care of us. Dad was never around before and whenever he was, he would just practice with Wyatt. I guess the elders didn't consider me important enough, since my powers are not as impressive as my brother's. But now, dad is always around, a little too much if you ask me. But well... if I have to choose one or the other. I would definitely choose my dad now.
-"Chris, hurry up. We are going to be late for school!" Wy is calling me.
It's ok, its not like they are not going to forgive me if I am late for school once. Though they probably won't forgive Wyatt, since he is always late or cutting school.
Did I mention? Wy is my brother. He is a great brother I must say. I mean, aside from the whole being my older brother thingy, and the fact that he is the all mighty super powerful double blessed, and that he is perfect at everything he does, AND he is super popular, all things that I am not. It's just so unfair that he gets all the power, all the athletic abilities, and all the social skills! I am so low in the power chain that it's despicable, my dad was even an elder when I was conceived... so unfair! Wyatt is well built and strong, I am skinny and frail. Wyatt is confident and always dominates any conversation. Me, I have no confidence. Mainly because what confidence can you have when you live under the shadow of a super hero/ex-super villain (hopefully not a future one) ? To make matters worse, its not like the older me was a super sociable chatty guy but... come on... When I was five I talked like a twenty three year old guy but still was five. The whole having a complete set of different memories, pretty scary ones too, does not help me when it comes to relate with people.
Well, over all Wy is a great brother. He is always there for me and loves me, I know it. Even if he never says it, cuz he is fifteen, I still know he loves me. I mean, I would never tell Wy I love him either! But I bet he still knows it.
I know at one point he feels guilty for the whole being evil in the other life time thing. He's always telling me that he admires and respects me more than anyone because of what I did.
Imagine... the all mighty, super powerful, double blessed admires a larva like me! When we were on third grade the teacher made us do an essay of the magical being you admire the most. Guest what? Wyatt did it of me! I mean, all these people did it of the Charmed Ones or another magical being and Wyatt did it of ME!! A nothing in the middle of nowhere! I still have it hidden somewhere in my drawers, though I will never confess it. When I had to do it two years later I did it of Wy, of course. But my brother is the freaking double blessed! Who wouldn't admire all his powers? And I told you, Wy is a hell of a bro.
-"Chris.. do you want me to freeze the whole school, so we can wait for you?" That was again, my bro. He is cool but he does get mad sometimes.
It would be cool if he could freeze the whole school but like mom, he can't freeze witches. And if he could Aunt Paige would have found a way to make sure he couldn't freeze magic school. I told you...Wy is always late.
I don't understand why he is so obsessed with going with me today. It's not like I ever wait for him when he is late but, I do it on purpose! My family is a little overprotective of me. If they could avoid it they wouldn't let me go to the bathroom by myself! I understand the whole dying in dad's arms is kind of spooky for him but come on! I am thirteen.
Yet, Wy feels like all my nightmares and my 'problems' are all his fault. So, he is always making sure I am fine. Poor guy, I feel sorry for him sometimes, it must be horrible to feel that way. I tried to make him feel better a lot of times but it never works.
On the other hand, it is true that the other Wyatt put me through hell and back, just to send me back to hell.
Sometimes it's so hard to relate with these people you have this complete opposite set of memories of, like dad or Wyatt. Where one part of you loves them deeply because they are awesome, a little too much, but great. On the other hand, you remember the pain that their other selves caused you.
Sometimes I wake up from my nightmares and Dad and Wyatt are there, trying to sooth me. Then in my nightmares there is another Wyatt that tortures me and kills the people I love. All while I call out desperately in pain for dad, but dad never comes. It's so hard to separate one Dad from the other, one Wyatt from the other.
I can see the sky is getting purple and soon it will be morning. I can't sleep and my nightmares are getting worse and worse. Why wouldn't they when mom is suppose to die in two weeks? I don't know what to do! I mean, usually it's easy to decide if it is better to shut up and not alter the future or if it is ok to alter it. But in this particular case, the decision is just killing me.
I mean, MY MOM WILL DIE AND WYATT MIGHT TURN EVIL! How can I not say anything? On the other hand, how do I know that if I do say something things won't change in even worse ways or not change at all.
I remember, when I was five my little puppy was suppose to choke on his food so I stopped him. I told mom to be careful that day and not to let him eat. Then, I went to take him and Wyatt's puppy for a walk. That's when my puppy ran loose and crossed the street but the other dog followed and they both got hit by a car. They died after a few days of agonizing pain. Mom said that sometimes things are meant to be and if we change things the outcome might be worst.
What if this is meant to be? I am so scared. I am thirteen, I don't want to loose my mom! I am thirteen and I have to make a decision that not even the wisest men on earth are forced to make. I didn't ask for these memories, I don't want them! Everything in my life is so unfair. I can't even share it with anyone cuz I am tired of the worried faces. I am tired of the over protectiveness. I can see their pain when they feel they can't help me and I can't do that to them.
I have a terrible headache. This whole thinking and not being able to sleep at all and sweating of panic is making me sick. And I don't want to be forced to ask dad to heal me, they are already suspecting something is wrong with me. Somehow mom and dad can always read me like a book.
Phoebe is an empath! I mean, everybody else in the family gets to drink the empathy blocking potion when they are eleven, everybody but ME! SO UNFAIR. They said it's due to my special condition. Or actually, according to Mom and Dad due to the fact that I might be dying and wouldn't let anyone know ( Whatever, they are always so worried about me, that is kind of a pain. I mean, I know my family would be horrified if they knew of the memories I have, but then what would be the point of telling them? They can't help and it would just make them feel bad!) Well, I got super good at naturally blocking Phoebe's empathy. The problem is that when I get weak and sick it gets harder and harder to block her. And lately, I can't sleep and every time I eat I get sick. My mind is always racing and feel like I am in this constant feverish state. I am petrified that Aunt Phoebe might see through me.
I feel asleep on top of my diary and that would have been good. Except, I got the same nightmare again. Mom is dying, I am all alone, and I can't do anything. I wonder to myself, 'How come I didn't tell them?' Then I go back in time and I tell them what is going to happen. So, everybody stays with us and now it's not just mom that gets killed but also Wyatt and Aunt Paige.
I thought sleep would make me feel a little bit better but actually my whole body is aching. I have to go to school. I'll write more when I come back.
Hell broke loose today, I fainted at school! Now, I am in bed.
It was sitting on my chair and listening to an incredible boring history lecture. Of course, my mind started wondering and it wondered to the same place. So, I started thinking what to do. Since, I was feeling sick before I even started thinking about mom's death, let's say that didn't help.
I don't really know what happened but I woke up at Paige's office. Dad was already there and was healing me. They were worried sick! Apparently, I just fell of my chair unconscious. How can I ever tell them when I am not feeling ok, when they always overreact and act like I am about to die? Then, they even ask me all this questions that I don't want to answer.
They kept on asking me what was wrong and I told them I didn't know. They didn't believe me but I didn't care.
Dad said that I was burning up with a fever and that is mainly why I fainted. But that the fact that I had been obviously not sleeping nor eating at all, wasn't really helping. He orbed me home (so unfair! I had this cool spell class this afternoon and I didn't want to miss it. I mean, what is the point of getting healed by a whitelighter if you can't stand up and continue with your life right away?)
No, my overreacting, overprotecting father told me I was going home. I was going to eat something, then sleep, and someone would stay beside me all the time to make sure I did those things. That got on my nerves. I mean, I know if no one stays besides me I could just orb my food somewhere else and stay awake. Food is making me sick (and I don't want my parents to realize that I actually puke everything that I eat. Cuz then they would get even more worried and it's not like they are not worried enough) and I don't want to fall asleep. The nightmares are much worst than the exhaustion.
So here I am, my dad was kind of happy when I told him that I was writing a diary. So, right now I am in my bed waiting for the food to arrive. Weird thing. I felt better for a few minutes after my dad healed me but now, I am feeling as feverish and awful as I did before.
Ok, here comes mom with the food. She made my favorite food and still I just can't eat it. She won't let me write, I'll keep on going later.
So again, big drama!! As I said, mom brought me my food and when she caressed my hair and kissed my forehead she realized I had my high fever was back.
I guess she hasn't had a high fever for a long time, since dad is a whitelighter and all, because she would have known better than to scream the way she did. I thought my head was going to explode and never welcomed the golden tingle my dad's hand emitted more then at that moment.
Anyways, dad didn't know why my fever had came back and, not surprisingly, the fever went down but came back a few minutes later. That kind of sucked, cuz I was feeling drained. No one is use to being sick in this family anymore and that is a major disadvantage. Everybody was more than insanely worried and weren't listening while I kept on repeating 'People it's just a fever!' I mean, every kid in the world has a fever. But when I have it it's a matter of national security!
Dad even ran to Elderland to see what was wrong and Mom, as predicted, forced me to eat. She got even more freaked out, when I couldn't keep the food in my stomach for more than twenty minutes. Then she forced me to sleep. She put some cold wet towels on my forehead, I must say those felt good. Since, my head was burning and my body was freezing Mom covered me with as many blankets as she could. I wasn't really feeling that good. So a part of me was kind of relieved I didn't have to be at school, pretending to feel fine.
While, I was eating Wy orbed in, another one of the freaked out manor members. Somehow someone told him something during the break and he ran to Paige to see what happened. Then, orbed like lighting home. I told you, any excuse is good enough for Wy to cut school. Though, he did seem to be really worried. Especially, when they told him I couldn't be cured. He wasn't very happy when Mom forced him to go back to school.
He was like:
"Promise me you'll be good and you won't do anything stupid! You will take care of yourself"
I was like:
"I already have a couple of overprotective fathers Wy!"
Wy looked super sad but he just said, 'And you have an overprotective brother, deal with it!' He then pinched my cheeks and he imitated my Aunt Phoebe 'It's because you are so cute, yes you are, yes you are so cute. We couldn't live if something happened to the baby of the family.' He was teasing but he was also worried.
Of course he was worried, everybody was worried. I just felt like orbing to Katmandu to avoid the whole circus but I didn't have the strength to even get up of my bed. Besides I knew they would sense me in like half a second.
Then Mom helped me fall asleep and sooth me while I was having my nightmares. I guess so anyway cuz I managed to sleep for a heavenly couple of hours. She was even there when I woke up. Looking at me and smiling with glassy eyes, I could see she was so worried about me being sick. Ironically, I was so worried about her it was making me sick.
Ok, mom doesn't let me write anymore. She says I should rest, I will keep on writing tomorrow.