Tasteful Distraction

Summary: Tara and Anya figure out why Buffy, Willow, Xander and Giles are fighting, and come up with a foolproof method for distracting them from the argument. . .

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, as they remain the property of their owners and/or creators.

Rating: R. . .the first word in the title should be a hint as to why. . .:)

Time Frame: "The Yoko Factor", during the fight at Giles' apartment.

Author's Note: Got the idea for this from a post from Riddler commenting on my story "Happy Hour." I liked his idea, so I ran with it. . .thanks, Riddler! :)


The sound of arguing got louder outside of the closed bathroom door, and Anya blew air through her lips and complained, "This is stupid. . .how long are they going to be at it? We all know that they're just going to make up anyway. . .they always do."

Tara's eyes showed concern as she turned to Anya and replied, "I don't know if they will this time. . .there's something wrong here. . .something is off about this whole thing."

Anya frowned at her and commented, "You're getting another one of those witchy flashes of intuition, aren't you? I remember having those, back in the old days. . ." She snorted and asked, "What set Willow off anyway? I never heard Xander mention you two were orgasm friends. . .I don't think he knew until she mentioned it."

Tara blushed crimson, then recovered as she realized that Anya wasn't being judgmental. . .just blunt. She cleared her throat, then replied, "We were working on the encryption of those disks, and Spike mentioned-" She turned to Anya with an appalled look on her face and asked, "When did Xander hear that Buffy and Willow wanted him to join the army?"

"We were taking some stuff to Spike in his crypt and he-" Anya replied automatically, only gradually realizing what she was saying. She came to an abrupt stop and snarled, "That bastard. . .Xander was so upset that he. . .he wouldn't have sex with me last night and it's all Spike's fault! I'm going to hunt him down and take a machete to his--!"

"Anya, I know you're upset. . .but we have a more immediate problem. They're fighting because Spike manuevered them into it. . .we have to stop it." Tara sounded anguished, but determined.

"Easier said than done," commented Anya, listening to the increasing volume outside. "We're in here in the first place because they didn't want us butting in. . .if we go out they'll just tell us to go away."

Tara nodded in frustration and replied, "The only way they'll listen to us is if they're more interested in what we're doing than in what they're arguing about." She thought a moment, then blushed crimson again as a thought occurred to her. She tried to dismiss it, then realized that she was, indeed, that desperate. She forced herself to look at Anya, then began: "Uh, An. . .Anya. I have a plan that might work. . .but you might not like it."

Anya raised an eyebrow impatiently and asked, "Will it make Xander stop his stupid argument with his friends and want to have sex with me again?"

Tara raised her eyebrow, pondering the question with the legendary libido of one Xander Harris in mind and nodded in reply. Anya shrugged and asked, "So what are we waiting for? Let's do it!"

Tara took a deep breath and began to explain. The young witch was mildly amused that she managed to draw a mild blush from the jaded former demon with her plan, but the color faded quickly from both of their faces as they began to put the plan into action.

* * * * *

"You never took me seriously! I'm just a big joke to you. . .at least Cordy had the guts to say it to my face. . .you only say it behind my back!"

"That is such a load of crap, Xander! I don't know where. . ." Buffy paused in mid-tirade and began looking around the room. "Do you hear that?" she asked the others. "It sounds like. . ." As one, all four of them turned to the closed door of Giles' bathroom as Buffy finished, ". . .the shower."

Giles, half-drunk but still alert enough to find this odd, frowned at the closed door for a moment and commented, "Perhaps one of them hadn't had time to shower before they came over. . .we have been rather preoccupied the last few days."

They all nodded slowly, mumbling agreement: "Sure. . .of course. . .what else could it be?. . ." This lasted a few more seconds. . .then the giggling began. The four people standing in the living room froze for a moment; then, as one, they began creeping towards the closed door. By the time they were standing next to it, they could all hear that it was two separate voices doing the giggling. They all looked at each other, then Giles slowly reached for the doorknob and jiggled it. . .it was open. Swallowing, Giles quietly opened the bathroom door. He then took two steps back and began muttering something about never touching that brand of Scotch again. Buffy, Willow, and Xander crowded forward and three jaws dropped with remarkable simultaneity.

The shower curtain had not been pulled shut, exposing the view therein for all to see. The water was running on low, leaving the two occupants of the shower/tub relatively dry except for a few beads of water that beaded charmingly on their skin. Tara and Anya were standing next to each other, their hands resting on the sides of the other person's ribcage, just below the breasts. As one would expect in the location they were in, they were as naked as when they were born. . .and the three observers at the door got an eyeful.

Xander, in between being pissed off at Buffy and Willow for thinking he was a loser, had been rather shocked by the news about Willow and Tara. . .not that it made him think any less of her. . .just that they had known each other since they had been five. . .and this was something he had never known about her. Looking at Tara, he was finding it a lot easier to understand. Free of the rather baggy clothes that she favored, Tara was simply gorgeous. Her breasts were ample and well-proportioned, with tiny nipples that set them off perfectly, and her body trailed down to a slender, though not wasp-like waist and womanly hips. Her legs were gorgeous. . .Xander wondered if she had found some depilatory spell to spare her the unpleasantness of waxing or shaving. He went on musing this way until he remembered that naked Anya was standing next to naked Tara, and he involuntarily uttered his phrase of first-resort when a random indignity came his way: "HEY!"

Meanwhile, Willow found herself looking at Anya. She had learned to tolerate the former demon for Xander's sake, but deep down she thought of Anya as just another example of Xander's extraordinarily bad taste in women. Looking at her in this state, Willow wasn't ready to change her opinion on the general question of whether Anya was good for Xander, but she could certainly see the appeal from his end. Anya had certainly picked a great body to get stuck in when her powers went blooey. . .good sized, firm breasts, trailing down to a trim waist and hips, and attractive, athletic looking legs. The almost uniform tan she wore had her wondering suspiciously if she was sneaking in some nude sunbathing, and she was considering whether to ask her about good spots for that when she realized that she was seriously not dealing with the problem at hand. The obvious reaction was the one she chose: "TARA!"

Buffy had the advantage of being emotionally detached from this particular situation; still, the spectacle riveted her attention, and she took a good hard look at both women. Her first reaction was * Hey, Will and Xander did pretty good for themselves * However, this was quickly followed up by * So then why are they cozying up in the shower together? * She took a deep breath and asked quietly, "Ah. . .what's going on in here, ladies?"

Giles, averting his eyes carefully from the tub, poked his head in and piped in, "Ah, yes. . .that was what I was going to ask. . .thank you, Buffy." He withdrew, and all of them heard him settle into a chair next to the door.

Tara reached out and turned off the shower, then raised an eyebrow, replying, "Going on? We got bored." She walked up to Anya, and pressed her chest together with the slightly shorter woman's as they turned their heads simultaneously towards the group at the door. Buffy blinked in surprise, Willow glared, and Xander began muttering, "Supposed to be mad. . .supposed to be mad. . .get mad."

Buffy found her voice first and she asked in a strangled tone: "Bored?"

Anya replied, "Yes, bored. . .you were all busy fighting. . .there was nothing to do in here. . .and you looked like you were never going to figure out that Spike tricked you into fighting with each other, so. . ." She broke off and looked adoringly at Tara, and the two of them were moving to kiss each other on the lips when Willow exclaimed, "Spike?"

Tara turned back to her and replied, "Yes. . .Anya told me that Xander didn't have a clue about us. . .and I realized that the only reason you thought he did was that Spike told us that Buffy and Xander were talking. . .and he never actually said what you accused them of saying. . .devious bastard that he is." Tara took a moment of dark pleasure in the shocked look in Willow's eyes: she loved the hacker dearly, but she could be so damned stubborn sometimes.

Anya interrupted Xander, who seemed to be putting two and two together, and snapped, "Yes, you big jerk. . .Spike fed us that stuff about Buffy and Willow wanting you to be in the army, and you bought it. . .well, I did too, but they're your friends. . .you should know them better than that, even if you don't have much in common with them any more."

"Oh, crap." Everyone turned to the door, where a still-intoxicated Giles was standing, visibly angry. Buffy looked at him with sympathy and asked, "Spike got you too?"

"Ah. . .well. . .yes. . .the details are unimportant. . .he's told us enough that he hates us all. . .I can't imagine why I was willing to listen to what he had to say." Giles looked abashed, and similar looks were appearing on the faces of the other three clothed people in the room, and various stammered phrases began to bounce around the room: "I. . uh. . .Will. . .Buff. . ."

"Ahem." The four friends turned to see two very naked, very smug looking women looking at them. Tara, who had attracted their attention, continued, "Now that that is settled, everyone out. . .some of us need to get dressed." Buffy, Willow and Xander withdrew, closing the door, and Tara and Anya let out yelps of glee as they hugged each other briefly. . .then met each other's eyes and carefully disengaged before rapidly dressing.

* * * * *

Tara and Anya emerged to see Buffy tending to the sobering Giles, while Willow and Xander quietly waited by the door with ambivalent looks on their faces. Sighing, Tara went over to Buffy and asked, "Everything under control?"

Buffy smiled sadly and replied, "Spike wasn't inventing something that wasn't there at all, Tara. . .we've all grown apart a bit this year, and Spike used it to hurt us. If it weren't for you and Anya. . ." She clasped hands with the taller girl and whispered, "Thank you." Tara smiled, and Buffy continued, "Unfortunately, we still have Adam to deal with. . .so we'll all be back here in the morning to deal with this mess, but I think we need a few hours to get back our balance." She handed Giles an ice bag and gave him a friendly nudge, then called out, "Good night," as she left the apartment.

Anya walked up quietly to Xander and stated bluntly, "Xander. . .I think we should go home and have sex now."

Xander thought about this for a moment and replied, "O.K." As they left, the others heard Anya ask, "Xander. . .are we doing this just because you want me. . .or because you're hot and bothered over what you saw in that shower?"

Xander blushed, then responded, "Do you care?"

Anya pondered this, then grinned and replied, "Nope." Xander grinned back and they left.

Willow rolled her eyes at this, and turned to give her girlfriend an extremely nasty look as she accused, "Anya never would have thought of that plan on her own. . .you came up with it."

Tara looked calmly at Willow and replied, "Yes."

"So you instigated a scene where I and my closest friends walked in on you naked with my best friend's girlfriend. . .knowing how we would all react." Willow's voice was increasing rapidly in volume and intensity, but Tara did not so much as flinch as she replied, "Absolutely."

Willow looked at Tara with exasperation and asked plaintively, "Tara, what am I going to do with you?"

With a wicked smile, Tara leaned down and whispered in Willow's ear for twenty seconds or so. When she finished and straightened, Willow looked up and locked eyes with her for a long moment before nodding once and calling out, "Bye, Giles." Tara added her own good-byes as the two young witches left the apartment, closing the door behind them.

Giles groaned and placed the ice bag on his head as he lay back on the couch, desperately seeking sleep and praying that the images that were currently burned into his brain would not torment him during his slumber.

As always, comments are welcomed and desired.