Disclaimer: Dag nabbit! We's done tole ya time and time agin that we don't own nothing...no way, no how, no nothin'!

Legolas: On behalf of all Elves, I wish to make it perfectly clear that the writings of the authors in no way reflect the opinions, values, or educational levels of the Elves. Kath: Jeez, Legs, lighten up, will ya? It's just a story. Legolas: Really? I just got a call from the producers of Cops. What does that tell you? Kath: You have a phone? What's the number? Legolas: Area code 40...oh, no you don't...nice try. Kath: Damn.


"Bad Elves, Bad Elves, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad Elves, Bad Elves, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"

Voice over: "This episode of Cops was filmed on location with the law enforcement officers of Arda."


Aragorn finally regained consciousness just about the time Elrond grabbed his chest and began to stagger about the barnyard, alternately cursing and warning everyone within hearing that he was about to die.

"Ya cain't die, Daddy...yer a Elf, remember?" Elladan tried to comfort his Ada, unsuccessfully. "Only if'n it's from battle or a broken heart...yer heart ain't broke, is it Daddy?"

Celebrian had retreated into the kitchen, and was throwing every breakable object within reach against the wall.

Arwen was on the ground, weeping and wailing inconsolably, while Galadriel stood over her shrieking, alternately berating Arwen's lack of birth control responsibility with condemning Legolas' lack of control period.

Elrohir was simply running around in circles, talking to himself - not too unusual, since it was a known fact that he was born a little off center.

It was just about that time when Haldir, Rumil, Orophin, and Legolas reined their horses to a stop at the edge of the Rivendell Trailer Park. Jumping down from their horses, they surveyed the scene before them.

"What the tarnation is goin' on here?" Haldir yelled, putting out an arm to stop Elrohir.

"What's going on? What's going on? Jest a fam'ly emergency is all! We jest found out that our Wennie is knocked up, and she says the daddy ain't Gornie!"

"What? Not Gornie? Uh, oh..." Haldir said, shooting Legolas a look that said, "Run!"

"THAR HE IS!" Elrond roared, forgetting all about his apparent heart attack. "THAR'S THE LOWDOWN, YELLER BELLIED COWARD WHAT COULDN'T KEEP IT IN HIS LEGGINGS!"

"Whar is he?" Legolas asked Haldir, looking around, confused.

"He means YOU, ya knucklehaid! RUN, BUBBA, RUN!" Haldir shouted, giving the blonde Elf a push.

"Shee-it!" Legolas yelped, jumping three feet in the air, his legs beginning to churn before he hit the ground. Unfortunately, Elrond, fueled by a father's love for his daughter, as well as several jugs of shine, was just a bit faster.

He grabbed Legolas by the scruff of the neck, threw him to the ground, and commenced to pummel him full force about the head and shoulders.

"No, Daddy! Not the face!" Wennie cried from her spot on the ground.

"Shesh it, girl! Let yer paw work! He's tryin' to get you a huzbund!" Gladrie hollered, giving Wennie a not-so-subtle nudge with her foot.

Elrohir and Elladan were trying to keep the three Lorien brothers from jumping on Elrond's back as he pummeled Legolas. Soon enough, the two dark twins and the three silver brothers were swinging wild punches at each other, some connecting, some not.

It was just about then that the first sirens could be heard in the distance.

"Attention all Elf-billies on the lawn! Stop yer ballyhoo-in' and lie still, with yer hands behind yer backs! This here is Sheriff Fin and Deputy 'Restor...ya'll are under arrest!"

The twins tried to make a break for it, but Deputy 'Restor tackled them both, rolling across the lawn with them in a giant cloud of dust. When the dust settled, the twins had their wrists handcuffed and were face down in the dirt.

"All right now...suppose one'n of ya tell me whut happened here?" Sheriff Fin asked, looking at Gladrie. "You...the old, yet kinda purty one...whut happened?"

"This here varmint, name o' Bubba done got my grandbaby Wennie knocked up. Her daddy, Ronnie, was jest trying ta make him do the right thing and make a honest woman o' the poor thang."

"This true, Bubba? Did ya put yer pickle in her barrel?" Fin asked the bleeding, swelling lump under Elrond's fist.

"Um...I guess so...but Gornie was doin' her too! How does she knowed it was me?" Legolas whined through his fat lip.

"Cause I does, that's why, Bubba Greenleaf!" Wennie cried, burying her face in her hands.

"Seems like we's gonna have us a "nocked arrow" wedding, Bubba...lest you gots a reason why we shouldn't..." Sheriff Fin said, looking down at Legolas. "Well? Whatcha got to say fer yerself?"