An excerpt from what started as crack...and ended as a fluff fic.

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Ed: -Blush- You said you weren't going to talk about that outside!

SporksRock129: And I'm just a random person in the background who is amused.

i heart takanori: hey, they don't know what kind of fun it is

kitsune no rei: - much amused

Momijizukamori: Yay, random backround people is random backround person too

i heart takanori: have any of you ever heard of the sex shows in amsterdam, i think? - sorta random

kitsune no rei: oO;;

i heart takanori: you background people make me think of that

Greedgosplodey: Yay not background people! -Grins wickedly, for is Kimbley-

kitsune no rei: ... rapes kimbley and runs for it

i heart takanori: ...

Greedgosplodey: ....WTF?! -Feels somewhat violated- ....

kitsune no rei: :D

kitsune no rei: fangirl love

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Disclaimer: I own nothing. That is, nothing except for this ungodly love of yaoi I harbor in the back of my head. And some lint. Want the lint?

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Roy smirked, holding back a chuckle whilst looking at Kimbley. "You should enjoy that, Kimbley...you don't get girls often, do you?"

The Crimson Alchemist scoffed, shooting a glare towards Flame. "I don't do girls, Mustang..."

The black haired man waved a hand nonchalantly. "Of course not, you blow them up."

Kimbley scowled. "What business is it of yours whether or not I 'splode 'em!"

"Just as long as you stay away from my girl," Roy made a pointed gesture towards Edward, "then it isn't my business."

Brow quirked, Kimbley glanced from Roy to Ed and back. "You need to get your eyes checked if you think that's a girl..."

Edward, in the meantime, was fuming, but Roy paid him no heed. "Girl enough for me."

This prompted a sudden outburst from the Fullmetal, in the form of an automail fist to the jaw and an insult that could have been heard from Ishbar.

Kimbley just grinned, coughing slightly. "Apparently she doesn't think so..." An amused smirk played on his lips, although he cringed slightly when Roy's head hit the floor with a sickening thud.

"Temper, temper, Fullmetal..." Roy grinned, rubbing his jaw slightly as he got back to his feet. "If that's how you're going to treat me, I don't think I will treat you tonight..."

There was a snort from the third alchemist in the room. "Fine by me, I can just call up Envy, Al, and Wrath and have way more fun without you."

The retort was swift. "You'll only call Envy because he can look like me." Accompanied by That Smirk, too. This earned a cringe from Kimbley, and if one listened closely they might pick out the words 'shapeshifting bastard' from the Crimson Alchemist's mumbling.

"Don't flatter yourself so much, Roy, your ego seems to be swelling beyond the capacity of your head." Edward waved the previous comment aside casually.

Roy, however, wouldn't stand for it. "Ah, but no matter how big my ego gets, you always come back to me..." Take the bait, Ed...take the bait!

"Envy can be cute all he wants....Greed is sexy..." Kimbley interjected from the opposite side of the room, frowning.

Ed wouldn't let it get to him, though, as he randomly threw up an excuse. "They get jealous too easy." He noticed the instant smirk appear on Roy's face and glared.

Roy smirked.

Ed glared back.

Kimbley pouted.

And it was then that Roy burst into laughter. "Hah! You amuse me to no end, Fullmetal, really you do!"

To that, Ed held up his right fist. "Automail not working, can't use finger..." A golden glare was shot at Roy, who simply mused to himself, then held up a screw. "Are you missing something, Fullmetal?"

"Bastard Colonel...." Edward fumed silently, but in such a case, there needed really be words anyway.

"Happy now, Fullmetal?" Roy simply Smirked, impressed when the only response he got out of Ed was a more looming air of ungodly physical pain in the near future hovering around the blonde. He chuckled.

Kimbley quirked a brow. "Are you sure you want to provoke him, Mustang?"

Ignoring Kimbley, Roy stood up, carrying the screw over to Ed and holding it out, just out of his reach. "Do you want it back?"

Edward only glared daggers back at his superior, who grinned, holding the screw higher over his head. on! If you can reach it, I'll give you it and a kiss!" Roy winked.

Fullmetal gave him a look that seemed to say 'ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I'M SHORT OR SOMETHING!' but refused to give him any other satisfaction. "Poor little Hagane, can't reach his screw!" Alright...that should do it. But Ed just fumed still, refusing to rise to the bait with everything he had.

Kimbley in the meantime snuck out the back door, hiding outside in case the ticking time bomb of a chibi alchemist were to suddenly explode and catch him in its wake.

"Wow, this is a first..." Roy contemplated the boy before him, who's eye was twitching slightly. "How often does one see Edward Elric NOT kick someone's ass when he hears anything related to the word 'small'?"

Ed's patience was growing thin, though, as he sat there, boiling and fuming and glaring at the bastard of a Colonel he called his superior as the man returned to his desk with the screw, sitting down to examine it. Alright...he was over there...Ed could calm down...but of course he still glared at Roy.

Roy Mustang must have been in an observational mood at the time, as he lifted his head in thought. "Something else that's rare...Kimbley being here without blowing someone up..."

"Is that an offer, Mustang?" Apparently, the wickedly smirking Zolof J. Kimbley had slipped back into the room unnoticed, golden eyes glinting with mischief towards Roy.

"And when did you come back, coward?" Roy was unamused.

Equally unamused, Kimbley spat back at him. "After there weren't any screams, jackass...."

Pondering, Roy grinned to himself. "Screams...that can be arranged...if Edward is willing " Dark eyes flitted to Fullmetal, who twitched slightly, fuming again. Kimbley was smart this time, though, and shoved in a pair of earplugs as he leaned back against the back wall, fiddling with some important documents.

Roy smirked.

Ed fumed.

"You were quite willing to cooperate last night, Edo..." Roy smirked more, leaning forward over his desk. "In fact, if I remember correctly, you were the one calling the shots.." Edward glared in response, cheeks flushing bright red.

"If I also remember correctly, Kimbley should be dead..." That earned a quirked brow from said alchemist, as Roy snatched out a camera to catch Ed's embarrassment, hiding it away quickly as Ed fumed again. "Don't be embarrassed, Fullmetal. Sure, the entire military knows, but you'll live it down."

Ed growled, gritting his teeth to keep from lashing out.

"And so what if it caused Hawkeye to go to therapy?" Ed's eye twitched. "And who cares if the Wrath kid's eyes were burned? I certainly don't." Twitchtwitch. "All that matters is that you enjoyed yourself."

Ed went furiously red, and Roy snapped another picture. The blonde growled again.

"Purring suits you better, Edward." Roy stood and walked back over to the boy, absently noting how tightly his fists were clenched, lifting the boy's chin with one gloved hand. "But you are so cute when you're angry..."

Ed blushed furiously, still trying to look indignant, though failing due to the scarlet shade of his cheeks. Roy smiled at the boy, "Your blushing face is cute too..." The smile itself earned a look of genuine horror from Edward. "Aw, hell! You always look cute..."

Fullmetal gritted his teeth. "Cute, Colonel, is a word you use to describe a girl."

"Or someone you really like?" Roy cut in, as Kimbley snickered to himself across the room, absently picking dirt and charred flesh from under his nails.

Edward, though, glared more. "You never were, never have been, and never will be someone I call cute..."

Roy stepped back with a pseudo hurt look, one hand to his chest. "I'm hurt, Fullmetal...Excuse me while I go cry." He sulked back to his desk and lay down his head.

Ed huffed defiantly and glared after him. "Well you're not! Drama queen..." That earned a peek from Mustang, and Ed just glared. Roy lifted his head completely, questioningly, and Ed was quick to spit another statement at him. "You're being melodramatic...." He huffed.

Roy grinned a bit. "It's one of the few things I do to get words out of you." He looked over his hands at Edward. "You've barely spoken to me today."

"Because you acted like I was a GIRL!" Ed glared, snapping back.

Roy blinked. "That? But I always do that..."

Ed snarled.

Roy smirked.

Ed glared.

Moofy suddenly appeared and chewed on Roy's leg, and Ed had to resist the urge to laugh.

Kimbley on the other hand, didn't even bother resisting the urge, cackling with insane glee.

"Nee, kid...what about him?" Roy pointed at Ed. "Remember?"

Ed's eyes bulged. "WTF!?" But that was all he could get out before being pounced by Moofy. Kimbley apparently thought this was incredible hilarious, and Roy was having a hard time holding back laughter himself.

Edward glared from the floor at Roy...man...if looks could kill...eugh! Moofy had just licked Ed's cheek.

"Wait! What about him!" Roy pointed at Kimbley, Ed still fuming on the ground.

"Eh?" The Crimson Alchemist stopped laughing and looked up suddenly, only to be tackled by Moofy in the same instant, both males rolling out the door.

Roy smirked.

Ed glared at Roy.

"Edward, I don't think you appreciate me."

"Maybe if I had some reason to I would..." Ed glared still. "I don't get enough respect around here in the first place!" Roy brightened. "And I don't get any respect...Look! There's one more thing we have in common! That brings us to...four things!"

Ed rolled his eyes, unamused. "Pardon me for forgetting, but what are the other three things again?"

"One, we are both alchemists. Two..we are both in the military. Three...we both like the love that we make together! It's a match made in...somewhere..."

Holding up a hand, Ed blinked. "Wait...rewind that...you can attribute the first two together, which makes it only three things in common...and if you consider the third, that's wrong..."

Ignoring the first bit, Roy replied. "How is it so wrong? You seem to like it when we are doing it..."

Ed grinned. "You said 'the love that we make together,' that's what's wrong. I like the fact that I benefit from you lusting after me day and night."

"You can't deny that loving feeling. Oh that loving feeling."

"Only partially right, Mustang. I love sex, and you love fucking me. It all works out." Ed corrected.

Snapping out of his random moment, Roy blinked. "I just thought it would sound better than saying 'we both enjoy hot yaoi sex'..."

"....Okay fine...you win...it's four things in common..."

Roy gave a thumbs up to the audience. "Score!"

"Who are you talking to?"

"No one, honey!"

"Call me that again and I'll castrate you..." Ed glared.

"But then we will never have children!" Roy snickered.

Ed scoffed. "Baka Taisa...I'm a BOY..."

Wringing his hands together, Roy blushed. "I guess now would be a good time...to tell you...I'm really a girl. THERE I SAID IT!" Moofy randomly appeared again and ripped Roy's pants off.

Ed blanched. "Then...what...the hell...what....IS...that?!"

"Fake?" Moofy poked it, and it fell off. Ed blanched again. "Joke's gone far enough Mustang...really..."

"HENTAIIII!!!" Roy shrieked, jumping behind his/her desk, whilst Ed turned a rather sickly shade of green and wobbled slightly. He would have been falling over if he wasn't sitting down already.

"Edo...I'm sorry I hid it from you! I just...wanted to be with you, and you never notice girls..." Roy sobbed.

Ed's jaw was clenched, and he felt rather sick. Roy's lip quivered and s/he ran out the door, then realized that s/he still had no pants, and hid behind the desk again. There was a horrible groan from Ed's location. "Watashi wo korosu kudasaiiii..."

Finally finding a miniskirt in the back of a drawer labled "conspiracy" Roy threw it on.

Ed felt sick. VERY sick. And he really LOOKED sick too...green couldn't be a healthy color, could it?

Roy plopped down in the desk chair. "I hope we can continue as we were before..."

Ed was suddenly upright and fuming. "WTF! You expect me to have sex with a WOMAN?!"

"Men do it ALL THE TIME." Roy answered.

"I DON'T LIKE WOMEN!" Ed screamed back.

"But you DID like me!"

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE A MAN!!"

Roy stood quickly. "So GENDER is all that matters to you! You don't care about who I am inside!"

Ed shuddered. "And put something else on or something...I don't EVEN want to see that..." He blanched again, promptly vomiting over his shoulder, when Roy lifted the skirt.

Edward blanched again. "I'm not attracted to women, Mustang! I'm GAY. We have ESTABLISHED this before!"

"You WERE attracted to ME!"

"BECAUSE YOU WERE A SEXY MAN!"

"I CAN STILL BE A SEXY MAN....WOMAN!"

"You don't seem to get it, Taisa...I was in love with Roy Mustang....but apparently, ROY Mustang doesn't exist!"

Roy blinked. "You were in love with me?"

A faint blush spread across Ed's cheeks and he stood up with a glare. "No, Taisa. I was in love with a man that doesn't exist...." His voice was as evenly clipped and precise as Roy's would normally be.

"I exist. I may not be in th eform that you want me to be, but my name is Roy Mustang, damnit!" Ed snorted. "Who the fuck would name their daughter ROY." He continued to glare.

Roy on the other hand, shrugged. "They wanted a son."

Ed kept his voice in check. No crying now. "Well I guess it's just my horrible luck that they didn't have one, isn't it, Roy."

Roy snapped. "Why can't you just accept the fact that you are in love with a woman."

Quick to reply, Ed returned with a vehemence in his voice. "Because I'm NOT. Why can't you accept the fact that I am appalled by the very thought of you right now!"

Roy looked hurt. "I am still the same person INSIDE. Edward, did you not think that I was surprised when I found out that YOU were a boy?"

"I don't even know you! You put up an act for me! I wasn't the one trying to be something I wasn't!"

Hands clenched into fists, Roy calmly replied to Edward. "I acted like myself."

"But you pretended to be a man."

"The only difference was that I pretended to be a man, to please YOU."

Ed snarled. "You were a highly attractive man, Roy. As a woman, however, I find you disgusting."

"I look the SAME!"

"Not where it counts, Roy."

"I can put the fake back on, if you want?" There was a hopefullness in Roy's voice.

"Baka Taisa..." Ed's voice was unusually harsh. "You just don't get it..." He turned his back on Roy.

The Flame Alchemist swallowed compulsively, holding back sobs. "Fine..." Roy choked. "I guess I'll have to take Riza up on that yuri offer she wanted." Roy couldn't move, heartbroken.

"At least somebody has a use for you then..." Ed wanted to walk away..but he couldn't bring himself to.

"I CAN'T DO IT!" Roy cried in desperation. "I LOVE YOU."

The blonde cringed at the sound of those words. "I hate you..."

Suddenly regaining the lost composure, Roy coughed slightly. "I'm sorry that I can't stop loving you, and I'm sorry that you feel that way, Fullmetal."

Yelling could be heard down the hall, followed by screams of terror and the whoosh! of flames, and Roy burst into the room with ropes hanging from his limbs, a glare set on his face directly at...Roy?

"YOU!" Roy pointed to Roy. "Me?" "YES, YOU!"

"Roy?" Edward stared, jaw agape.

"Heh...I've been found out..." The first Roy shifted forms, turning back into Envy.

Ed twitched, pointing at Envy. "YOU!!!" Roy glared at Envy while Ed wiped furiously at his eyes. "GYAH! YOU STUPID PALM TREE HEADED BASTARD!"

Roy turned to Edward, concern in his eyes. "Have you been...crying?"

"Baka Taisa!" Ed sniffed. "What the hell does it look like!" The young boy choked back more sobs, as Roy pulled him into a hug. "What the hell did he DO to you?"

From the desk, Envy grinned. "I think the question is...what did YOU do to him?" And with that he was out the window and out of sight before they had a chance to go after him.

Ed whimpered, clinging to Roy as tears flowed freely once more from his eyes. "You're..really....you, right?"

Roy gently stroked Edward's hair, rubbing soothing circles on the boy's back. "Of COURSE I am...how many Envys are there?"

"I didn't want to believe him...I wanted it to be just a bad dream..." Ed rested his head against Roy's uniform jacket. "Thanks...for waking me up again...."

Roy rested his head on top of Edward's, for once completely speechless as the slightly trembling boy cried silently into his jacket. He remained silent as well, just letting Ed's tears soak his jacket.

Clutching Roy's jacket tightly, Ed slowly calmed down. "Nn...Roy....?"

Dark eyes remained closed as he made no move. "Yes?"

Edward snuggled against the older man, sighing. "I love you..."

Roy's eyes softened even more than they already had, if it were possible, as he lightly kissed the top of Edward's head. "And I love you too..."

-Fin.