Unfortunately the characters and lines of Tolkien´s world don´t belong to me, but please R &R nevertheless.
Thankyou Rosie, you were as patient as always. ;-)
Why can´t I go? I have never been yet so close to the irrevocable end and it feels so good! I hear the voices calling my name. They summon me to another world. But there is another force, holding me back, telling me of the grief my leaving will cause. Torn between the two poles I am: here the wish for final peace, there the sense of duty, the request to fulfil my responsibilities. Is there a future for me?
My mother left me too early - I hadn´t been a good son to her. She was ill but I always wanted to play. How often did my father tell me to leave her alone so that she could rest. What does a five year old boy understand?
My father never forgave me for her death. I know that it was me who weakened her because I wanted to be born. He despised me and refused to give me the love I needed. Never could I talk to him like other boys talked to their fathers. He had eyes only for my brother.
Boromir took the responsibility to care for me. I ignored his grief for our mother´s loss and claimed his attention. I ignored his needs to be with his friends without a little brother following him like a shadow.
Have I been envious because it wasn´t me who was chosen to go to Rivendell? Were there signs of danger which I could have noticed but which I ignored? I should have tried to prevent Boromir from going to Rivendell alone.
My beloved brother never came back and I tried to replace him as a warrior and leader in war - and failed. I lost the last forepost of Minas Tirith and was ordered to regain it, although there was no prospect for of victory. I took valiant soldiers with me and to death but I was the only one to return. I failed two chances to leave this world - the arrows didn´t hit my heart and I was saved from the pyre, but my father died because he lost hope.
Now I am lying here, helpless, motionless and silently screaming. But there is someone who cares for me. I feel that he loses a lot of his strength by attempting to save a man who doesn´t want to be saved. He is fighting the dark forces who take over my willing spirit but I am no help because I am like dry reed in the wind, swaying and weak-willed, unable to make a decision.
I am longing for oblivion and I hear voices of the past who are calling and above all I see images of my mother, my brother, my father. I can´t see the daylight anymore, and everything grows dark. I am falling endlessly - but it was a lie - seeing my family was lie. I was cheated by the dark forces, and there will be no unification with those I love. Once more I made the wrong decision and I have no strength to resist. The long desired darkness encloses me and the shadowy contours of the people and the room around me are fading - but then, reluctantly I am opening my eyes, blinded by the daylight. A man is sitting on my bedside speaking in a quiet voice. I know at once that we met before and that it was he who saved me against my will. I see his dark hair and his bright eyes. He has a kingly charisma and he reminds me of my duties as he speaks of a hopeful future - but I don´t have a future and I only feel a dreadful pain which is tearing me into pieces.
I am walking in the garden still waiting for my inner mending. I only see grey colours, the sunlight does not brighten my days. The silver moonlight can´t rise my numb spirit at night. The door opens and the warden leads a lady into the garden.
"My lord, here is the Lady Éowyn of Rohan."
Hesitantly I am lifting my eyes to her face and I can see the blossoms in full colours, the sun warms me and a gentle wind blows away my sorrows. There is a future.