Spoilers: The Ties that Blind, A Heart for Falsehood Framed, The Pearls That Were His Eyes, Be All My Sins Remembered, The Right Horse, And Your Heart Will Fly Away, Exulted Reason Resplendent Daughter, The Spider's Strategem

Nothing's Wrong

Was there something wrong with her?

That's what seven-year-old Beka Valentine wondered when she realized that her mother was never coming back. Did she do something bad to make her leave? Did Rafe? That's how she found out in the first place; Rafe was sitting in a corner of the hanger bay when Beka came in and asked where mommy was, he said she hated them. Beka ran to daddy crying and he tried to explain it to her. Mommy didn't hate them, she left because there were things in her life that she needed to do and couldn't with a husband and two kids; but when Beka asked 'like what?' he couldn't give her an answer. When Beka was older and thought back to just before her birthday, she could hear daddy yelling at someone on the vid screen. Turns out it was mommy and daddy was having to remind her that Beka was her child. Rafe was right, mommy did hate them.

A few years later, the Valentines saw their wayward mother again. She had settled comfortably on a planet called Oedekirk and was becoming very important to the people there. She gave Beka and Rafe nice rooms and freedom to do anything they wanted. They were there a week before Beka crept quietly downstairs one night for some water only to hear her parents fighting. What she heard made her run to her room crying. Daddy took them away the next day and Beka knew that her mother was gone forever. Mommy wouldn't care that they were gone, she probably wouldn't even notice.

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Was there something wrong with her?

That's what sixteen-year-old Beka Valentine wondered as her father screamed at her about how worthless she was and that she and Rafe could do nothing right. She sat there and took his ravings, Rafe had long ago screamed back at the man and left to his room. Dad would hit him again tonight if he even remembered what his son had said. Dad was high again, and Beka knew that he didn't mean the things he said. Once the Flash was in his system, he didn't know what he was saying; it wasn't his fault. Once it wore off and he calmed down, he would either apologize or act like nothing had happened; Beka tried to pretend the same thing. That nothing was wrong, her father wasn't a flash addict, it would get better someday. Someday it would....sometimes when it was real bad, Beka would retreat into her mind and ask herself what she did wrong. Why couldn't daddy just stop? Why wouldn't he stop?

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Was there something wrong with her?

At eighteen these words came back to her as she pushed the dump-cargo button in the Maru at her father's funeral. A funeral she attended alone. No Rafe, no Uncle Sid, no one, just her, after everything and in the end it was just her. When Dad's health was failing and he finally succumbed to the poison that combination of flash and withdrawl created within him she was the only one there, she had taken care of him through the worst of it, she had been there. Not her brother or her uncle. Rafe had left before her eighteenth birthday, and the Divine only knew where Sid was. She was alone with a mountain of debt, a ship that was her only home and was almost falling apart and a broken heart.

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There had to be something wrong with her.

At twenty-three she was one hell of a pilot and one spirited little spitfire all this garnered her was a string of loser boyfriends who used her for her body or for her ship. She was almost ready to give up when she met Bobby. But by that time she was already stiff and jaded at the universe. She didn't do causes but she found something in Bobby that led her to help him out with his. He protected her, got her out of trouble and saved her life more than anyone else had. Out of everyone in the universe she finally found someone who gave a damn about her. But he loved her. And that was a problem. Later in life she would look back and wonder. What if she had stayed with Bobby, what if she had loved him? But back at twenty-three her experience taught her that if anyone loved her, they'd leave her. It always happened. All she wanted from Bobby was his promise to never lie to her. He broke that promise so she had to make him leave, she couldn't love a liar. She had to trust someone before she could love them, if at all. Life had taught her some hard lessons. She could only trust herself.

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There had to be something wrong with her.

At thirty-one, she remembered Harper asking her if it was so hard to believe that someone could fall for her. She off-handedly told him yes. Leydon had claimed to love her, that he hadn't counted on falling for her. He gave her the Hegemon's Heart and asked her to marry him. She just couldn't see it. Beka Valentine, married? It didn't make sense. But it did later. Whether Leydon really felt for her or not was up in the air. In the end he gave her up, turned her in just like that, completely willing to throw her to the dogs just so he could escape himself. She would have covered for him and he told her it was a game.

A Game.

Was that what men saw her as? Something to be played with until no longer fun? Something to keep them amused until they lost interest? Was that why he asked her to marry him? Another scam another game?

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Was there something wrong with her?

At thirty-two she was asking again. This time an old friend called for her to testify on his behalf. Able Ladrone. They had met when she was fourteen and she had fallen for him. She later admitted to Tyr that she thought she was in love with him. But he just as good as lied to her. He omitted the truth, he and Dylan staged his fake death, but she had forgiven him. Forgiven his omissions where she couldn't forgive Bobby's lies. In the end they were free to pursue a relationship which ended just as quickly as it started. He had his work to continue, a mission, a cause, and her place was with the Andromeda. He couldn't stay, she couldn't leave. Love shmove. He didn't fight for her, he just left. The fork in their road came upon them too quickly and they each picked a different path. She never saw him again and never heard from him again.

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Was there something wrong with her?

Through their ups and downs, flirts and heartache, Tyr had hurt her a lot. Beka could admit that she was interested in him from the start, what wasn't there to be interested in? He was smart, he was a survivor, he was incredibly good-looking, the whole physical perfection thing he had going helped just a wee bit, and he was Nietzschean. That last part should have warned her against trying anything or hoping for too much. He made it quite clear in the beginning that he could never, ever be interested in a human female. Not in a million, million, million years. And then there was his secret marriage to Freya which produced a child, which had shocked her. But that wasn't the worst part. That came in the form of Desiree D'Lene.

Tyr was in love with her and Beka couldn't understand it. Their conversation in the hall, the woman went on about being all things to all men, and including the feud between Tyr and Bartolome, it made Beka uncomfortable. Desiree D'Lene, the proverbial Helen of Troy.

Beka couldn't understand it. Why was Tyr so taken with this woman? She was human, like Beka was. And that's when she thought of it, that Desiree might have been Eidolon. But upon shoot first, ask questions later that proved not be the case. She had almost killed her, at least Tyr didn't hold a grudge. Not Eidolon, but human. Beka had even reminded Tyr of what he told her. That she thought he could never be interested in a human in a million years.

"I did say that. To you

And that hurt. He could be with a human, just not with Beka. Why did she have to fall for the ones she couldn't have? Bobby wanted her, Leydon wanted her but they weren't for her. Able and Tyr were more out of reach so what did she do? She went for them.

But unlike Able, Tyr didn't want her, he was never interested.

And then the crazy happened. She didn't like to think of the last months of Tyr's life, his departure from the Andromeda, his betrayal. She really didn't want to think about it. All she could remember when she thought about him were his final moments. It was hard to remember how he used to be, and quite frankly she didn't want to. Developing feelings for a Nietzschean was one of the biggest mistakes she had ever made. And it would never happen again. Or so she told herself.

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Was there something wrong with her?

After everything that had happened with Tyr what had she learned? At thirty-three Beka had learned that if she wasn't careful, that if she didn't keep her guard up, then the same thing could happen with Rhade. He was just the kind of guy she would fall for. He was smart, he was handsome, he was strong, he was a pilot; and when they had been shipping that bio-armour he had opened up to her. He liked to talk. A lot. He was interesting and funny. And he was Nietzschean, and what had she leaned about Nietzscheans? They were arrogant, selfish, betrayers who lived only to look down on others, attempt to rule the universe, and procreate. Beka had convinced herself that Rhade was no different, no matter what mask he wore, he was the same. And she couldn't fall for him. She couldn't, she wouldn't. She'd push him away, keep him at a distance.

But if that was her resolve then why was it crumbling?

She had told him about her mother.

Beka knew that she could have said nothing more than what Aleiss had revealed, but she did. She told Rhade about her abandonment, how her mother didn't care or notice. She let him hear the spite and pain in her voice. He could have told anyone, used the information against her, goaded her for her weakness. But he never said a word.

Beka hated Tarazed Nietzscheans, they were unpredictable, they didn't act how she expected them to, but she had to believe that it was an act. She had to. Or she'd make another mistake like Tyr, with Rhade.

And she couldn't handle another rejection.

Not from Rhade.

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So was there something wrong with her?

Again, for the millionth time Beka asked herself and has concluded that she doesn't know yet.

But she's working on it.

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A/N: I wrote this when I should have be working on my very long English essay but I couldn't get this idea out of my head!
Poor Beka.

I've alsobeen working on a few more Andromeda fics which I hope to have up some time in the next few months.

And also I wasn't sure if anyone else but Trance ever found out that Desiree/Medea was a Kodiak?