Author's Note: Okay this is going to be an interesting chapter. I am not quite sure where to go from where I left it I have several different options I am looking at at the moment. If you have any opinion or suggestions on the matter let me know. This is kind of a longer chapter, but it is a two-parter. I want to thank the later reviewers from Chapter 8: snugglebug, martini1988, and marineJAG.
Snugglebug: I'm glad I have got you hooked, and a good writer knows how to keep the suspense for as long as humanly possible.
Mag59: I had to have Mac write again, you understand don't you? Thanks again for translating and sending me that song it was pretty and befitting. What is the name of the movie that "Memories" was from did it have Barbara in it?
GuitarVixen: Thanks for the support! Sometimes we lose faith in our writing especially if you write a chapter that doesn't quite live up to expectation. This one does though, I worked hard on this one and I can't imagine using a different scenario than this one.
Froggy0319: So did you write in it tonight? How about this, if you write in that journal I will write a chapter for one of my other fics of your choice. Deal? -Sigh- someday I would like to be able to picture myself being pregnant and having my husband talking to my belly, Ah well a girl can dream.
Tina Frank: You got part of your wish in this chapter and that will have to do for now, the next chapter(s) are going to be intense and are going to take some time to do with tact and serve them justice.
MarineJAG: Glad you liked the previous 2 chapters, and the mood is definitely changing, but fear is still an underlying emotion. I shy away from men, it isn't that I am afraid of them personally just have trust issues and fear rejection/abandonment. I feel the need for companionship, but fear it just as much (liked the analogy though). Your going to like this chapter, for sure!
So read now, review please, and ENJOY!
I went to baby-sit little AJ and baby Jimmy today. It will be the last time for quite awhile before I will be able to hold them again. I haven't had any opportunity to speak my mind today; the fates keep conspiring, sending us in opposite directions with no map back to one another. I put AJ down to go to bed, and then put a CD into the stereo in Jimmy's room and listened to the soothing sounds of Enya, "Who can say if your love grows, As your heart chose? Only time…Who can say why your heart sighs…Who can say where the roads meet, That love might be in your heart", wafting into the room. I held him in my lap, against my chest, while I rocked him back and forth in the chair beside the crib. The sun was getting ready to set as I sat there feeling partially complete. Right there, right then it felt so right holding this baby tightly in my arms. I was so at peace in my mind, body, and soul I felt myself drifting off to sleep. I hadn't heard the door open downstairs, nor did I hear the quiet footsteps as someone climbed the stairs. I didn't feel his gaze on me until he emerged from the door frame, and walked towards me. I knew it was him without even opening my eyes. I could smell him, his cologne that makes me daydream. I always know when he is near. I kept my eyes closed. I am not entirely sure why, but it felt so nice to have the silent embrace in the room, to be close without actually being close, to say so many words without out uttering a single one. Even with my eyes shut, they were open, open in my mind and I could feel the small smile dancing upon his lips. We both sat there in silence as I rocked the child to a blissful slumber, while the sun was beginning to set upon this beautiful scene. As the moonlight began to drift its way in through the windows I could still feel his gaze on me and it brought a smile to my face. I think he knew that I was pretending to be asleep the entire time, even before I grinned, but he was playing along and still had not said a word. I could hear him stand up from the chair he was sitting in and walk closer towards me, he stood behind me undoubtedly looking down upon this scene before him. I would have given up my Corvette to know what he was thinking right then. A few moments later he took his hand and gently stroked the top of Jimmy's head brushing his hair to the side. He took that same hand and as he brought back to the top of the rocking chair he let it lightly stroke my arm, neck, and finally my cheek before pulling away. I felt stunned; if I had been standing I might have fallen down. He leaned his lips down to my ear and whispered ever so softly, "You look beautiful like this, you were made to be a mother." I nearly began to cry when he uttered those words, to 'made to be a mother'. I wish it were only that simple, once again life had to make itself apparent by throwing glitches into ordinarily easy situations. I can't pretend anymore, I can't pretend to be asleep. Just as I am about to look up at him, he comes to the side of the rocking chair and kneels beside me. He reached up and tucked a piece of my hair, that had fallen loose into my face, behind my ear and brought his fingers across my jawline and finally resting his hand atop mine. My hand was laying on top of Jimmy's gingerly rubbing his little fingers, when he reached a hold of mine and held it between mine and Jimmy's and caressed the back of my hand with his thumb. I opened my eyes for the first time since he had walked in, and glanced at our hands intertwined together. I turned my head toward him and caught him staring at our hands too. He must have felt my gaze upon him because he took that opportunity and glanced up at me, catching me awake. We just sat there together in the moonlight staring at one another for quite sometime before anyone dared to say anything, afraid of ruining the moment as we always seemed to do. "You really do look perfect sitting there with this baby in your arms, someday this will be yours, all yours.", he said to me breaking our silence. I can vaguely recall the CD still playing in the background, "Once, as my heart remembers All the stars were fallen embers Once, when the night seemed forever I was with you…Once, all the dreams were worth keeping I was with you Once when our hearts were singing I was with you". I found myself lost in his deep aquamarine eyes while listening to that song. Somewhere deep down inside I saw my life flashing before me, but it wasn't my past it was my future a glimpse at what my life would be like if I chose to utter those words to him, right then. I remember looking down at Jimmy and grinning widely again, knowing how much I wanted this, this all to be mine that it hurt. Before I lost my nerve, or the romantic moment in the air, I looked back into his eyes and he brought up his other hand to caress my cheek and with his thumb we brushed off a tear that had begun to fall. I hadn't realized that my eyes were tearing up, everything just felt so right, so perfect here in this moment. That's when it happened, out of nowhere I blurted it out, for the first time ever I said exactly what was on my mind. He looked into my eyes just as deeply as I was focused on him, "I love you, Harm". I had finally said it!
So what does Harm say? Did you notice that I have written his name....twice? I was thinking about doing the next chapter in Harm's POV, but I thought that might be sacriligous or something. It might take an entire new fic to cover his POV voice.