See You In Court
Summary: Insanity ensues as Sirius becomes a judge.
............A/N It's not meant as anything, just something I had to do. I was bored......
Sirius Black entered his courtroom, wearing the long, flowy silken judge robes and swinging his gavel.
"All rise," James Potter said, taking the role of baliff and stenographer.
"Sit, sit." Sirius said, taking his own seat.
'Hey, they listen to me.' he though.
"Stand up. Sit down. Stand up again. Do the hokey-pokey. Bark like a weiner dog!" He commanded, laughing as the entire court did everything he said. "OK, OK, settle down." he said, shuffling some papers on his desk. "Our first case is Remus Lupin v. Arthur Weasley. Remus, why are you suing Arthur?"
"He stole my chocolate!" Remus said, pointing his finger at Arthur. The courtroom gasped.
"EXPLAIN YOURSELF!" Sirius roared.
"Well, Your Honor, I was hungry!" Arthur protested.
"BOO!" The audience jeered, pelting him with rotten fruit.
"HEY! They're throwing rotten fruit at me!"
"All right, fine. People no throwing rotten fruit. Throw dry cereal and milk."
His court obeyed, turning Arthur into Cereal Man.
"Ok, OK, enough. Arthur, I find you guilty of all charges, and I sentence you to live in a tub of gravy for six weeks."
"WHAT?! I can't live in GRAVY for SIX WEEKS!!!!"
"Yes you can. James, take Gravy Boy away."
James obeyed, slinging Arthur into a tub of gravy located at the far end of the courtroom.
"OK, my next case is Albus Dumbledore v. Lord Voldemort. Wait, what?!"
"Yes, Sirius, it's true. I'm suing the Dark Lord." Dumbledore said, frowning.
"And, uh, why?"
"He--he--he HE RAN OVER MR. MOPITSONS!" Dumbledore sobbed.
"Mr. What-now?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.
"My cat, Mr. Mopitsons."
Sirius glanced at Voldemort, who said, "It was ages ago and my first time driving a Muggle car! I said I was sorry and gave him a new cat."
"Oookaaay. Dumbledore, since Voldie here gave you a new cat and apologised, and it was a long time ago, I sentence you to dance around in a penguin suit for small children."
"Why am I the one getting sentenced?" Dumbledore asked between sobs.
"FOR WASTING MY TIME!" Sirius barked, smacking his gavel on his desk. "Hey, this is fun. Smack, smack, smack!" he sang, beating it over and over again until breaking it. "Aw, man. OK, next case: Ron Weasley v. Peter Pettigrew for.... violating Ron's bed?"
"Yes, Peter inhabited my bed for ages and he was always crapping on it! It was disgusting!"
"Well, where else was I supposed to crap? In your sock drawer?" Peter shot back.
Sirius looked up from doodling all over his parchment. "Oh, uh, I find Peter Pettigrew guilty of said illegal crapitations and I sentence him to bear wrestling."
"Bear what?" Peter asked as a group of three large grizzly bears entered the room, picked him up, and carried him off, screaming like a sissy.
Sirius chuckled. "I've always wanted to do that. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Drace Malfoy v. Mad Eye Moody."
Draco and Moody entered, Draco followed by Crabbe and Goyle. "I am suing this ex-Auror because he turned me into a ferret!"
"I see. And when did this so-called "ferretization" take place?"
"Uh-huh. Do you have witnesses?"
"Certainly! A whole crowd of people!" Drace argued, and actually called in this crowd of people. "Did Moody, or did he not, turn me into a white ferret and bounce me around the halls of Hogwarts?"
"He did not!" the entire crowd cried.
"What?! You saw him! You said so yourselves!"
"OK, settle down, people. Since this attack, as you call it, did, in fact, not take place, I sentence you to a lifetime of watching Barney the Dinosaur. Take him away!"
A baby starts to cry. A gate creaks. Somewhere in the distance a wolf howls. A bell tolls. "LUNCHTIME!" Sirius yells, running off to the nearest Burger King. He came back a few minutes later, a large Whopper in his mouth. His court stared at him, worrying for his sanity. "What?" he asked.
"Uh, Padfoot? It's only 8:30 in the morning." James said, pointing to the clock.
"Oh. Then how did I get a Whopper?" Sirius asked. James just shrugged. Sirius chuckled. "Uh,, next case? Mrs. Figg v. Mundungus Fletcher."
"I WANT A DIVORCE!" Mrs. Figg shrieked.
"Divorce?" Sirius asked. "That's Lily Potter, down the hall, to your left."
"Sorry." Mrs. Figg said, grabbing Dung by the ears and dragging him down the hall, yelling the whole way.
"I'm scared." Sirius whimpered, hiding under his desk.
"Me too! Move it, buddy." James said, squeezing under there with him.
Sirius shoved him out. "There's only room for one Marauder, James. Sorry."
James grabbed a chair and started to swing it at Sirius. "I'M THE BEST! EVERYONE LOVES ME!" he yelled.
Sirius shrieked like a girl and ran off. Soon, James had him cornered. "MOMMY! SAVE ME!" Sirius yelped. Just as James hit him with the chair, he woke up.
"Whoa, too much chocolates. I'm going to kill Moony." he said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Aw, well." He rolled over and was soon back to sleep.