TAG: Hello! Welcome to the... story thing. Here is the disclaimer: (Oh boy, this is gonna be long...) I do not (duh)own Fullmetal Alchemist, Inuyasha, Azumanga Daioh, Ranma 1/2, Barbie, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Wolf's Rain, Neopets, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, R.O.D, that Soylent Green show, or Totally Spies (takes breath).Yeah, I think I covered them all...Please enjoy!

Dear Ed: if you're in need of some friendly advice, send your letters to Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist, via mail or cyberspace. It is not Ed's fault if something goes horribly wrong when you take his advice: Please proceed at your own risk.

Dear Ed,

I am having a little girl problem. My old girlfriend, "Oykik," died and came back to life in a clay body. Now she is trying to drag me to hell with her! In addition to that, my new girlfriend is her reincarnation, and the two don't get along very well. What should I do?

– Confused in Feudal Japan

Dear Confused,

Wow. If I were you I'd go with the reincarnation, as she isn't made of clay and isn't a psychotic stalker. Either forget about Oykik or go to hell with her, I guess. If you like your new girlfriend and don't want Oykik in the way, put her in a giant microwave. She'll melt. Or blow up. Or something.

Dear Edward,

I am eleven years old and in high school. I am very smart but I can't seem to get a boyfriend. I don't know whether I should find one that goes to the high school or stick with middle school kids. The high school kids are all older than I am, but if we're at the same intellectual level, would it really matter? I just want to find someone I can be happy with.

-Almost Twelve in High School

Dear Almost Twelve,

Please do us all a favor and stick with middle schoolers. If you ask to go out with someone in your high school, they will either be extremely offended or will tease you for being short, at which point you should SHOVE THEM OVER, RIP THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN OUT OF THE WALL AND SMACK THEM OVER THE HEAD! SMACK SMACK SMACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Ed,

I know this guy, "Randy," that is very nice. However, he is under a curse that turns him into a girl whenever he is splashed with cold water. He does turn back into a man with hot water, though. It is very awkward to be walking around with him one moment and then a bicyclist pedals through water on the side of the road and gets us all wet and suddenly he is a girl. Not to mention he has no feminine dignity and goes topless sometimes. What should I do?

–Scared with Unpredictable Sex Change

Dear Scared,

Hey, that reminds me of this Barbie my friend had that in cold water her bathing suit was pink and then in hot water she had a scuba outfit on. And shaving Ken, where you like, shave him in hot water and his beard comes off, and then in cold water it grows. Oh, and this one time, my friend left on the white face make-up on her Mulan Barbie for too long, and even though it was supposed to come off in warm water it didn't and so she had to chisel it all off with a nail clipper, but she accidentally scraped the Barbie's eyebrows off and I teased her about it for days…

Dear Ed,

Is my desire to blow up NASA a bad thing?


Dear larry19,


Dear Ed,

I have this problem. I am always getting into some kind of trouble, and am curious and dig into things I shouldn't be. Everyone tells me I love to play the hero. Even my best friends "Harriet" and "Roy" have told me about it. Once I even led a whole group of people to their possible death because I thought someone was dying and I was going to save him but it was just an image put into my head that I was supposed to be blocking but it was hard because I was being taught to do it by a jerk who kicked my out of his lessons because I was snooping around in his stuff while he was gone and found out something I wasn't supposed to see about his past that led me to think that my father was a jerk, and my dad was one of the best friends of the guy that I thought was dying, but he was just home all the time! I felt awful!

–Playing the Hero

Dear Hero,

Wait… what?

Dear Ed,

Once I was on a website about you, and there was an ad on the side for vitamins that help boys grow tall and strong! There was a picture of a tall basketball player on there too. Isn't that funny? It's almost like people are warning kids not to be stupid like you and never eat their vegetables so they grow up to be like, 3 feet tall and shorter than their little brothers.

­–Laughing at You

Dear #(&$,


Dear Edward Elric,

I don't think you should be a tad embarrassed about this nonsense of you being short! Why, I think you are rather a tall lad! My, I don't suppose you could even get into my house without ducking! If you ever care to stop by tea is at four. I live in the Shire, bless me, I hope you know where that is. It is a very fine place, I think you will fit right in, being your size! We are all so short, but you are still taller, Edward! My sincere blessings!

­–Bill Bluebottle

Dear Bill,

Thank you, but it wasn't much of a compliment coming from a $#$&# THREE FOOT TALL HOBBIT! (&&!$#, DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BE $##!! HAPPY BEING A FOOT TALLER THAN A (&$## HOBBIT????? YOU'RE ALL LIKE &!$) MIDGETS SO I SUPPOSE I WOULD FIT RIGHT $#!(& IN!!!!!!!

Dear Ed,

Do you know how to get to paradise?

–The White Wolf

Dear Wolf,


Dear Ed,

I am obsessed with Neopets. But not really in a healthy way, like most people. I am on every day most of the day, and I think about it all day at school. I talk about it to my classmates, my teachers, my parents, the cable guy, etc. I have dreams of becoming rich and buying anything I want. My life goal is to collect all the Neggs and Avatars, and eventually buy every single thing there is to own on Neopets! My pets are my best friends. I cry if I forget to feed them. And I'm devastated if they get sick. They've given me so much! What would happen if they went away? If it goes down for maintenance, I get depressed and sad like the little red down for maintenance Pteri. If I ever get in trouble with the Neopets staff, which I rarely do, I feel like I've been disciplined by my parents. I don't want them to get mad at me! I want them to like me. My username is shelly3333luvspets. I want everyone to know it. I want the Neopets staff and the faeries and the scratch card ticket Wocky to remember my name and think of me as that one special girl. I dream about Neopets and write stories and draw pictures about it. I think sometimes that if I wish hard enough, all my dreams will come true and I will enter the world myself and play with all the pets and help the Soup Faerie. Is this O.K.?


Dear shelly3333luvspets,

Uh… this may sound harsh, but… Neopets isn't real. The money you make on it isn't going to affect your life. It doesn't matter how rich you are. Your pets don't really love you, they are just programmed to say that. Neopets is O.K., but not when you… you know… worship it. I think you should get out a bit more, make some friends at school… Do you have a sibling? They are very nice to talk and play with. Take advantage of that. Don't hurt yourself trying to wish you were part of Neopets. Bad things might happen. It's going to take some time to reverse the things that already have happened.

Dear Ed,

There is an eyelash stuck in my eye and it hurts. I don't know how it got there, but its there and it itches very badly. I tried to blink it out but it didn't work, and then I tried removing it with tweezers and I hurt myself a lot. What do I do?

–Itchy Eye

Dear Itchy,

… you wrote me a letter… to say you had an eyelash stuck in your eye. My deepest sympathies. Try eye drops.

Dear Ed,

I have a prosthetic body. My hair is purple. Would it be O.K. to use bleach on my pillowcases, or will it rub into my hair? My hair feels like normal hair, but I don't want to make a mistake and walk around with streaks in my hair.


Dear Major,

I wouldn't know, but I'm going to say it would be O.K. to bleach your pillowcases.

Dear Ed,

I have this thing with books. I like them a lot and spend a lot of money on them. But what's more then that, I can create things out of paper and use them like a shield from bullets. But that not the important part. See, I have so many of these books, and they just bring so much joy, right? But I need money for buying other things too, like food. I'm considering selling some of my books for money, but I really don't want to do that because I've become attached to so many of them. I have a teaching job and it does pay, but I'm worried. I understand that I am making enough money to pay for food, but if I lose my job, I will have to sell some books. Or maybe I can just make things out of paper and sell them to people! I think they would enjoy that. It's just not often people get to see beautiful things made out of something as simple as paper. So I won't need to sell my books after all. I can keep making money to spend it on things I enjoy, which would obviously be books, and to buy the food I need and pay the rent. Sorry, I guess I just answered my own question.

-Agent Paper

Dear Paper,


Dear Eddie,

I love you a lot. I have your picture all over my bedroom and I stare at your face and think about what you would say to me if I could meet you. I think we would make a great couple. I hate Winry because I think she likes you and I don't want any competition, I just want you all for myself, and I'll kill the bi!$# if she kisses you. One time I got mad at you so I ripped up your picture, but I felt bad about it afterwards and went and bought two more to make up for it. Will you transmutate something special for me and send it to me with a note that says "To Brianna, my one true love! I hope to see your beautiful face someday and maybe when we're older we can get married and you can bear my children. I miss you, Edward Elric. P.S. I hope I am never replaced in your life."

–Brianna Sherman, Your Girlfriend

Dear Brianna,

Uh… I'm afraid that if I say anything polite I will encourage you. Just… just know that I appreciate the compliments, but… uh… they're kind of creepy, and I don't think we'll be getting together anytime soon. You're not my girlfriend, I don't even know you, and the only thing you might get in the mail from me is a restraining order…

Dear Ed,

I am so embarrassed! I have to go to this stupid Kiddles the Kuddly on Ice show with my family, all because my parents are fans of when I used to like Kiddles and wish I would still like him and all that crap. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I really don't want to see a man in a giant purple suit skate around and make lame jokes. Please help!

– Angry at Parents

Dear Angry,

Sit in the very back, wear a wig, and talk to the person next to you about how stupid it is. Or excuse yourself to the bathroom and stay there the whole time. Or run onto the ice beating your chest and throwing popcorn at Kiddles and screaming "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!"

Dear Ed,

I attend high school, but I am also a spy for "ZOOP." It's hard, especially trying to keep it a secret from your classmates. I really like this guy, but I can't get him impressed with me, no matter how hard I try. My friends are all competing for him too, along with an evil snobby rich girl. Should I tell the guy that I am a spy? My friends are too, but I thought that if I told him first, he would be really impressed with me and like me for trusting him with a big secret.

­– supachick16

Dear supachick16,

You're willing to betray your friends, who are trying their best to keep it a secret just to better them at getting a guy? My advice: Don't give the guy the scoop on "ZOOP." Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Dear Ed,

I have this problem with having extreme allergic reactions to milk! And I have to drink some to be allowed in this club, but if I drink the required amount I'll die! Please help! I'm going with whatever you say and if you don't say anything then I'm going to have to drink the milk and die!


Dear Joe,

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, the scoop on ZOOP! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Dear Ed,

I have to go to the bathroom.


Dear Jaken,

That's great.