Editor TAG: DEAREST READERS. It has come to my attention that Ed and I have not updated since LAST HOLIDAY SEASON. I am very. VERY. VERY. Sorry. You are all so nice by reading this and leaving fun reviews, and it really made me happy to see compliments and hear stuff about you printing this out to share it with your friends. I just got plain lazy, I have no other excuse for my terrible behavior. SO, in conclusion, 'Dear Ed' is no longer on hiatus. In fact, I might be starting a very regular update, so please keep checking back, and spread the 'Dear Ed!' love across the internet and your school! ONWARD!

Dear Ed is finally back! It might not be a completely positive thing.

Took my lousy editor long enough to pull her act together! Ahh, it feels good to be here again, in front of this computer… In a nostalgic kind of way. Well, I had great fun in Germany during the hiatus. But I missed answering letters so much, you know? It's laced with fan-mail, so I really enjoy it… Um, anyway, let's get going, shall we? (And Al's occupied right now, so he can't help me out. Not that it worked out too well last time, but I do like having him here. Who knows, maybe Editor Dorkface will kick me off one of these days and have Roy and his gang answer letters… Not if I can help it…Also, Pandellicatears, and any other reviewers who confessed a sort of frightful obsession with Al, stay away from my baby brother, or else, please.)

Dear Ed,

You guys are so funny! My sister Tam showed me this site and I love it. Your answers make me laugh. Anyways, I actually do have a question! If a tree falls, and no one hears it, doesn't it make a sound? And here's another: With luck, who needs wisdom?
Hahaha...those weren't REAL questions...but here's my real one: I have a bit of summer work for school, but I REALLY don't want to do it. I'm also working in a lab, which has been great, but it takes up time...should I just do the school work after the lab stuff is over? Or should I plan out a schedule or something to use? I'm so confused...

Hearts, stars, and horse shoes,

P.S. Tell Snorkleheimer that she's stupid and tell Brianna-crazy-girl she scares the freakin' heck outta me. And say hi to Al for me!

Dear libaka,

Actually, if you don't mind, I'd like to take a crack at the tree one. My theory is that it always makes a sound because there's other trees to hear it, right?
Ah, summer work. Hopefully you got it done, and I would have been able to help you out if Editor No-Brain had given me some more reviews. But everyone who is in school right now, I would like to offer a little advice.
Ed's Guide to Getting Grades and a Boyfriend/Girlfriend and All that Other Fun School Stuff.
Go to school.
Do your homework (or at least some of it). If you need help ask me, because I'm actually very intelligent.
Be nice to people, or blackmail someone into going to Homecoming with you so people think you're nice enough to get a date.
Attend school sports and extracurricular activities, even though it may mean giving up precious internet time.
Take a course in rocketry or alchemy; you'll thank me later.
Decorate your binder and/or locker with pictures of me.
And I'll be sure to pass those messages on accordingly.

Dear Ed,

I'm in love with fanfiction. I always read it, and sometimes I don't get to sleep until 2 in the morning. How can I not read as much fanfiction?

P.S. When you go to kill breanna, or whatever the hell her name is, can I help? I have a really big flamethrower that can make even Riza run away in fright!


Dear Krekoen,

Many a time have I run across what I like to call "Fanfiction Addiction Nervosa," or FAN. I'm not really sure what the 'nervosa' means, but it sounds pretty darn scientific. Anyway, typical symptoms of FAN include compulsive fanfiction reading, just like you've got. Here's a way for you to limit your fanfiction intake- think of it as a meal. Choose a fic to read for your appetizer/salad, and then maybe a couple for a main course, something small for a drink, and of course, some good homemade "Dear Ed" for dessert. Ahahaha. Ha. Drat, now I'm really hungry.

Dear Edward,
Did you know that I'm tall as you? Never mind about that, when is exactly your birthday?
P.S. Have a good day replying the letters (Especially the annoying ones).

Dear Kiyoko,

What a great question! My birthday, dear readers, is JANUARY 7TH. Or, sometime in February if you want. Heck, it could be in December or November too. So, you know, whenever you feel like it, send me nice things.

Dear Ed,

Will you be Romeo in my school play?


Dear Sanashi8,

As long as I am not required to wear tights.

Dear Ed,

I hate milk. But I love it with chocolate AT THE SAME TIME! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? and another quick question: if you hate milk, do you hate ice-cream too? PS i think it ok if your short. i mean, even though i'm of average height, my older brother still uses my head as an armrest. I VILL GET MY REVENGE! MUAHAHA--etc.

-utterly confuzzled about milk, chocolate and idiots

Dear Confuzzled,

Think of it this way. Adding something else to the milk, or transforming it into ice cream, or cheese, or cottage cheese, or, um, tofu, or whatever else you make from milk, dilutes the true form of the milk. Which in turn processes out most of the nastiness that is secreted from a cow's udder. Therefore, if we use this very scientific approach to making ice cream, it'll be edible.
Also, if you're being used as an armrest, the arm that is being rested would probably undergo miraculous changes if it was exposed to some sour cottage cheese, if you know what I mean.

Dear Ed,

What do you taste when you drink milk?


Dear FMAotaku,

Liquid pain.

Dear Ed,

I have a question, when I read fanfics about you some people spell your name "Ulrich" or "Elnric". My question is, is "Elnric" even a sayable word? Or why the hell don't they know how to spell your name? I mean it's a killer name!


Dear Yutakia-San,

El-nric. Eln-ric? Hmm. It doesn't sound right. Hahaha. Whoa. If you say it over and over again you kind of start to forget what you were saying. Hahaha. Elnric Elnric Elnric Elnric. Ah. I should stop now, people are giving me weird looks.
But the truth is, Elric is a pretty much awesome last name. Al and I looked it up the other day, and guess what it means? "Noble Ruler." And my name? "Guardian of Prosperity," or even "Guardian of the Mists," which would have made a really awesome state alchemist title. Not that I don't like mine or anything.
Al's name means "eager for battle" or "prepared for battle," which is pretty much right. Together were are powerful and rich, haha! Much cooler name meanings than "Roy," A.K.A "Red." Haha, red. Or 'king.' But I prefer 'red.' Sounds stupider, since he has nothing red. At all. I'm going to call him that for the next week and see if he ever asks me why. Heeyyyy, I should get everyone to call each other by their name meanings! Sweet.

-Guardian of the Mists

Dear Edwaaaaaaaard,

There was this BIG HUGE GIGANTICAL SPIDER and I was really scared and I couldn't squish it in time, so now it's running around my house, what do I do!


Dear Saaaaaaammy,

Get a shoe. Better yet, do you play soccer? 'Cause a cleat would be nice. Then, get whatever household cleaner is nearest to spray the spider senseless with, but not Clorox because I heard from someone that if you get Clorox on a spider it will become enraged, grow a stomach, and be able to chew through that cleat of yours.

Dear Guardian of the Mists, (I thought I should add this tag line for them)

I know what it's like to be made fun of incessantly. I am a vegetarian and my best friend's parents are always calling me a vegetable. People throw meat slices at me, and all sorts of things. Any ideas on how to stop the annoying meat-throwing lunatics?

Your friend,

Not a Vegetable

Dear Not a Vegetable,

You know, people are very insensitive to vegetarians these days! There's got be a way for people to show a little more respect. You have one plan of action: start the People for the Ethical Treatment of Vegetarians, or PETV. Um, no, that won't do, it needs to be a pronounceable acronym… Organization for the Correct Treatment Of People Used to not eating meat and who like Salad. There you go. OCTOPUS.

Dear Ed,
I got a monogram towel with you and winry on it and i got the fullmetal movie and um... i also got a bunch of breana(stalker)is a bitch hats. you can have some if ya want. Oh this is really weird but my pal,brian styles has a stalker named breana,hm mabe its just me but,O MABE SHE HAS CLONES! O.O

Signed, your loyal friend goatgod

Dear goatgod,

OH DEAR GATE NO. Not Brianna clones. Anything but that. And yes, could I employ you to make some more of those hats and distribute them to the readers? It will go well with my plan. Which I will describe in full detail at the end of these letters, don't you worry.




Dear Ed,

Did you know Envy is ramen-proof? We did some alchemy at lunch and acadentally made ramen explode so everything got soaked except a drawing of Envy.


Dear Tlantchi,

Tlantchi Tlantchi Tlantchi. This is almost as much fun as Elnric. Um, anyway. Ramen-proof? Who would have guessed! But what if he was forced to eat it, then, would he implode or something? Hm. Please make your drawing eat ramen and get the results back to me.

Dear Ed,

I need some help, I really want 2 start a column like u but I don't have anywhere to put it, I need a place to put it, where do u feature yours! I want to put mine there 2.


Dear Nannchan,

My column is located right here. Congratulations! You found it.

Dear Edo,

I'd like to state a couple of things:

- I truly still believe that you are 5'3 (though it would be hard to imagine you taller than me and my mom...).
- I am obsessed with you as well as eight other people from the show (which includes that one dude from the movie).
- I get sugar buzzes from root beer...

Sorry for being wierd. I think you are very sweet,
Shadow's Illusion

Dear Shadow's Illusion,

Yes, yes, let's go with 5'3. Haha. Hahahaha. Yes.
Oh, so on your list, though, I am number one, right? And do you mean the one dude from the movie, as in my Heiderich, and is he also on that list, but higher than Roy or whoever, right? Because Roy shouldn't be on the list. In fact you should narrow it down, so it's just me, and maybe some minor obsessions kind of as footnotes or something.
Yeah, I could see that, especially if it's a Root Bee! Because… you know, bees buzz.
Bees buzz. Bees buzz. Hahaha. Whoa. You start to get mixed up on that one after a while too.

Dear Ed,

I want to join a french class at my school. My friend wants to join a Japanese class, she says that we should join japanese cuz you are japanese. I keep telling her that you are not Japanese…… then we got in a argument about whether or not you are vietnamese or japanese. Or french. Can u plz tell us whose right here!

-sincerely angel

Dear angel,

Neither of you win the grand prize; I'm actually a native Amestrian turned citizen of Germany. If you want the full Edward Elric Language experience, you've got to be fluent in English, German, and some swear words from various other languages.

Dear Ed,

Lately I've been having problems controling my temper. I get angry at people and tend to be overly violent. My friends say I need anger managment(well that is after they stop laughing 'cuz I made some dude cry). Is it that big of a deal?

-Anger Issues

Dear Anger Issues,

No, I actually don't think it's that big of deal. Maybe I'm speaking from experience here, but temper should be treated as an aspect of personality, not something that needs 'managed.' I recommend instead enrolling your entire school/city in anger management, so that they can learn to manage other people's anger, get it?

Dear Edward,



Dear tellenick,


Dear Ed,

Hey, you don't know me, but my name is Adri, and I recently became a fan of yours. But I know I'm going off-topic here, so...My older brother keeps on being a pain in the a-double snakes to me, asking me stupid favors and making me do his chores for him. He doesn't even pay me, either! What should I do to stop this?



P.S. You rock and Envy sucks! (No offense, Envy fangirls.)

Dear Adri,

A new fan is always appreciated, hahaha! (Especially one with a P.S. like that.) Well, I'll try to give you some sound advice, since you're new and all:

Cottage cheese.

Works every time.

Dear Ed-Kun,

Oh my gosh, I accentually burned my friend with a flat iron! SHE MIGHT KILL ME! What should i do?

- Scared Straightner!

P.S.- make it quick couse here she comes!

Dear Scared Straightener,

As long as you didn't burn a hole in her hair, (which happened to Editor-Face, but she'd rather not elaborate on the circumstances,) your friend will see that you were not in the wrong. Tell her burning the skin actually brings out the, um, flatness of the hair, and accentuates the texture and shiny ends and stuff. Yep.

Dear Ed,

Uh, between you and me... I have a huge crush on Kain Fuery. What can I do... and can you help me get in touch with him?


Dear luna12,

I talked to the little guy for ya, and he was overjoyed that he had a fan and wants an e-mail address and/or home address so he can send you cookies and bits of scrap metal he engineered or whatever, and he thinks you're really great. Except he said it like this: "Wow, she has a crush? On me? Wow, she's great, really really great!" And then Havoc got kinda mad because he's still looking for someone who has a crush on him, and I didn't see what happened next, but it's safe to assume Fuery's O.K.

Guardian of Years Overdue Paperwork,

The verbal lambasting in this column must cease, or there will be consequences.


Dear Red,

Not a chance.

Dear Ed,

I don't want to go back to school. Classes are boring and the teachers assign too much homework. Do you have any suggestions for me?


P.S. Have you ever thought about stealing Mustang's glove?

Dear Mog,

School is, as I mentioned earlier, a lot more fun if you have pictures of me on your binder. Plus, remember your teachers are still human! They can be manipulated and distracted just like the rest of us.
And I'd like to elaborate on the glove question a little bit, because I've been dying to tell this story for a long time.

So there was this day a long time back, like four years or something crazy, when Mustang stepped out of his office. I had been planning on putting super glue on the earpiece of his phone (ah, what an immature child I was. Everyone knows the ear isn't smooth enough for the glue to set on; the handle would have worked much better), but something caught my eye. The dork had left his jacket sitting on the back of his chair all sloppy-like, and to my great surprise a glove was kind of sticking out of the pocket, so I kind of took it and kind of ran out really fast with it. Al had been watching and I employed him to distract the Colonel for a little bit while I went to 'test' something. He followed me anyway because he knew I was up to no good, and I knew I had to hurry, so I stuck the glove on and ran into the kind of basement with the heaters and stuff. I did the snappy thingy while doing, I must say (and Al can back me up on this one,) a rather good impression of Mustang blowing up something, because there was suddenly a spark, a whoosh as I preformed the necessary alchemy, an explosion and a six foot hole in the wall and a bunch of sirens going off.

So Al and I hightail it out of there while everyone's freaking out and going all military on the boiler room because they think it's Scar or whoever, and I'm just kind of half-running back to the office. Thankfully Mustang was downstairs trying to shut off the emergency sprinkler system from drowning the politicians in the conference room. So I run into the office, where I stick the glove back in the jacket, but not before dumping the entire contents of my glue bottle into it.
His fingernails never really were the same, I think.

Dear Ed,

My little sister can be kind of annoying. Recently, she criticized me because she thinks I sing something wrong, but in all honesty, she's not exactly the next American Idol herself. I actually think she's the one singing it wrong. So what do I do?

-Stressed Singer

Dear Stressed Singer,

To perform the necessary "Who Sings it Right?" test, you'll need a bowl of dominoes, some cheese, a goldfish, a wine glass, some brownies, a piano, a desk lamp, and a deck of cards. Get them all arranged, then go get your little sister and tell her you want to test who's the better singer. When she sees all the stuff she probably will get intimidated and/or thoroughly confused, leaving you to claim the rights to being the better singer. For added effect, put the goldfish in the wineglass, and be holding a nailgun.

Dear Ed,

I don't know if you're still doing your advice column, but whatever. On, "Fullmetal Alchemist 2 and the curse of the Crimson Elixir," I'm fighting this boss, Crowley, and he's SO HARD! HELP ME!

-Frustrated FMAotaku

Dear Frustrated,


Ahem. But it kind of helps, when you're fighting this guy, to imagine him as a punk rocker fairy princess ballerina. Just try having that mindset, it's pretty funny.

Edward Elric,

You know nothing of the misfortune I have felt today after discovering that your discontinuation of this wretched column was only temporary. You and your dim-witted editor must give up this frivolous attempt to start a successful, meaningful advice column! Your 'advice' has gotten worse and worse, and the people writing in are increasing in number so there will be more minds for you to distort! This column has grown from a minor disturbance in my life to a grotesque danger to the world. You must stop this now before I get authorities involved.

-Harriet Orkelheim, Harriet's Helpful Hints


"and the people writing in are increasing in number…"

Uh-huh. Yes indeed. Thank you for reminding me of my column's increasing popularity. And what was that I saw in your column last week? PROPER SHEET FOLDING TECHNIQUES, EVERYONE. Oh, whoa is me for not putting in such important things like how to fold your sheets while "maintaining their softness and limiting the number of wrinkles." Go call the article cops on me, Snorkleheimer, I dare ya!

Dear Eddie-baby,

Lovey wovey, I tried sending some pre-wedding pictures to you but the packages came back all torn up and stuff with mean words on it! I don't really know why but I'm sure someone must have been jealous of our relationship; I hope it wasn't that evil brother of yours. (by the way we should go to Hawaii for our honeymoon, that way I can see you in a speedo and you can see me in a bikini!)
See, I burnt down that old house that I stole so that it I could get insurance or whatever, and then I stole a new house and signed it under our names, so we have a place to live! I even got some mail the other day with your name on it! It was just some spam, though. I really do hate spam. Especially internet spam, like when people send me mean letters, because it's so distracting, it makes me all flustered and I actually forget about you momentarily, Eddie baby sweetcakes! But no worries, no amount of spam anyone can send me can tear us apart!

CALL ME SO WE CAN GO MAKE OUT SOON O.K? I want a lock of your hair so part of me can be with you always!

XOXOXOXOXOXO Your lovely wedded wife, Brianna Elric

P.S. Make your stupid readers send us wedding presents!



First, you frighten myself and my sanity, and then breach the boundaries of potentially harmless stalkers and become the ultimate lunatic.

Then you drag the readers, Editor-Face, and even my poor Al into your circle of freakish annoyingness. In a general overview, many of my readers are really upset with you, and for good reason!

That's why, readers and reviewers, I've decided to start the Society for the Protection of Edward Elric from Lunatics like Brianna Sherman, aka SPEELBS.

Maybe I'm just having fun with acronyms, but this is a really cool organization, because together we can think up fun ways to destroy Brianna effectively. My plan is to unite you all, so we can torch her, or put cottage cheese on her, or send her hate-mail until she cries and forgets about me or whatever she was ranting about in her last stupid letter. I'm so angry I can barely think straight!

Dear Edward Elric,

What are you supposed to do during an air raid?

-Love, chichi

Dear chichi,


IMPORTANT! Read for further instruction!

Editor's Notes

Ah, looks like he ran off in a hurry, there. I would delete his little keyboard slip-up as he dragged his hand across it, but I'm in a sour cottage cheese mood. Editor Dorkface. Pfft. He'll regret all that Editor-Face stuff. One of these days, I'll refuse to help him, and he won't be able to work a Word Document to save his… Um, yes, sorry, continuing.

Readers, I've been informed that Brianna is loose on the internet. Not just the internet, but close by, lurking around, trying to find the source of the article. Hopefully she won't figure out where this is, or how to leave a review, but keep a close look out…

And, Ed's going to hate me even more than he already does for this, but I'm holding a contest. It's a review contest! Thirteenth reviewer to this chapter, make sure to write something you want Ed to say, word for word, in the next edition of the column…

Mini-disclaimer: Don't worry about hurting Brianna Sherman's feelings, as she is not copyrighted. Fullmetal Alchemist is, thankfully.