Title: Understanding Defies
Author: A.j.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Non, but it's set in Season 6.
Notes: Donna POV. All mistakes are mine... sorry!

Summary: "I need not to need."


Donna thinks it's Monday because she wakes up with the remembrance of ginger on her tongue.

It's quiet here in the dark of her bedroom. Minutes away from light and sound and awareness that will bring twelve kinds of pain. She remembers when mornings weren't like that. When she was almost disappointed to go to sleep at night, eager to be up and moving and living. Sleep used to be a necessity.

She's not quite sure when it became an escape.

Her blankets are warm around her, heated by her body and soft with washings. She knows she's not awake yet because she's not staring blindly at the tile in her shower or looking past herself in the mirror while brushing her teeth. She is warm and sleepy and safe in this bed. Just for a little bit longer.

She doesn't remember her dreams anymore. The fact that it doesn't bother her worries her more then the lack of recall. She used to be a vivid dreamer. Fragments of imagery used to rush at her often; real life situations glowing eerily similar to her dreams used to have her joking with friends about quitting her glamorous life and working for $9.95 a minute with Ms. Cleo.

Now she can just barely recall smells. Tastes. Partial conversations that may have actually happened. There's ginger in her mouth despite the fact that she hasn't touched the stuff in almost four months.

Monday's are ginger because they used to be Old Spice and files. Talking and movement and excitement and joy. Monday's are endings now.

She opens her eyes wide and ignores their watering. Gritty and blurry from the not enough - never enough anymore - sleep. Above her the air is cold and sharp. Morning air is unforgiving now. Cold and dry. More little pains that drag against her spirit. Pushing and multiplying.

She wonders when she'll break.

She wonders if anyone would notice if she didn't get up this morning.

She wonders how long it would take to drive to Vancouver and talk her way into a new job.

She wonders if she'll ever be strong enough to leave this life that is slowly crushing her.

She wonders if it's wrong to wish for the past. Somehow, she doesn't think so.

On the table next to her, her alarm blares loudly, signaling the beginning of another day. Her leg aches tightly as she throws her covers back, hollow and fierce.

By the time she reaches the shower, she doesn't notice it. When she wakes up, hot water hitting her in the face, she can almost convince herself it never hurt.