A/N: Expect the show to bomb in a extremely funny way…
It took at least an hour to get all the parents into their respective seats. Most of which was due to having to break up several fights. Including one between Chris' Mom and Wesker's Mom, which may have had something to do with Wesker's broken Mickey Mouse Sunglasses, but who can really say? And of course it took at least half the husbands present to prevent Ruben Salven from being castrated by every available female within a five mile radius of the camp. So after much shouting, screaming, and at least three disarmings, you would not believe the firepower Jill's Mom was packing, the parents were seated and ready for the show to start…
"I would like to welcome everyone to this year's show. Due to several unforeseen circumstances, including the former director being attacked by a poke ball, and of course the authoress being much lazier than usual…" Morpheus coughs a bit. "…not to mention a bit more vindictive as of late, plus the unusually small cast. We will not be showing you Moulin Rouge in its entirety. Instead we present you with…HIGHLIGHTS FROM MOULIN ROUGE!"
The lights dim as Morpheus scurries off stage. As the curtain raises Forest marches out to center stage, wearing a top hat and tails. Behind him is a large sign which reads Moulin Rouge and a large windmill.
"This is a story of two people…a story of love. Set in the infamous Moulin Rouge, a bordello, a night club…where the rich and powerful came to play with the young and beautiful children of the underworld. First we have a young man, a writer…"
A spotlight illuminates Chris to stage right, he's turned slightly and staring off stage. He's dressed in a dress shirt, rolled at the sleeves and a pair of black dress pants.
"And a young woman, a courtesan…"
A second spotlight illuminates Jill to stage left, also turned and facing off stage. She is dressed in a scarlet off the shoulder dress, and bustle.
Mr. Valentine leans over to his wife and whispers. "What is a Courtesan?"
"I'll explain later dear…"
"These are the two lovers, but they are not the only players. We must not forget…The Duke…a slimy evil little creature, who hates everyone and everything. A treacherous, maniacal…"
Suddenly alarge rolled up newspaper flies from off stage and hits Forest in the head, shutting him up. A third spotlight illuminates Wesker standing next to the windmill.
"And thus our story begins…"
The stage lights blink out…when they come back up the scene has changed to the inside of the Moulin Rouge. Forest stands to the left of the stage.
"The Moulin Rouge and Zidler's infamous girls. They called them his…Diamond Dogs…"
Several doors slam open and our can-can dancers step out. Claire, Sherry, Rebecca, Steve, Alexia, Billy, and Annette. Since the show has been condescended, Billy too is now forced to dance and sing. Predictably, he is not exactly happy to be wearing a frilly dress right now.
As the dancers begin to sorta flaunt their 'goods' in the doorway, the reaction from the audience is somewhat mixed. Of course the parents of the girls are all smiles and murmuring among themselves about how cute their daughters look in the dresses. It's the parents of Billy and Steve that look a bit horrified. In fact, Mr. Burnside is stunned into complete and utter silence by the appearance of his son in a dress.
"Wow…I mean damn…" Mrs. Burnsides shakes her head. "…it's creepy how good he looks."
Mr. Coen has covered his eyes and is now crying. Mrs. Coen pats him on the back, trying to comfort him.
"Think of it this way dear. He does look rather nice."
"That is not reassuring…"
The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): Voulez-vous coucher…avec moi ce soir!
The music picks up as our "girls" step forward, shaking their proverbial booty.
The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): Hey, sista, go, sista…soul sista, flow, sista! Hey sista, go, sista…soul sista, flow, sista!
Barry: (steps into the middle of the girls, dressed in a ringmaster like outfit) If life's and awful bore…
The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): (dancing around Barry, skirts flying everywhere) Soul sista, flow, sista!
Barry: (walks forward) And living's just a chore that we do…
The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): (still dancing around) Hey sista, go, sista!
Barry: Cause death's not much fun…
The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): Go sister, guichie, guichie, ya ya
Barry: (spreads his arms, gesturing to the girls plus Billy and Steve) I have just the antidote…
The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): DaDa
Barry: (winks at the audience as the girls jerk up their skirts) And though I mustn't gloat at the Moulin Rouge…You'll have fun - oh-la-la! So scratch that little niggle…have a little wiggle! (shakes his butt toward the audience)
The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): (still dancing seductively and a bit crazily) Creole Lady Marmalade! Voulez-vous coucher…avec moi ce soir!
Barry: Cause you can can-can!
The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): Voulez-vous coucher…avec moi ce soir!
Barry: You know you can can-can!
The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): Voulez-vous coucher…avec moi ce soir!
Suddenly Enrico, Joseph, Leon, Ark, Brad, Kenneth and William appear on stage left. All are wearing tails, and carrying top hates as they half march, half dance across the stage toward the girls.
The Boys: Here we are now entertain us!
Barry: Got some dark desire? Love to play with fire? Why not let it rip! Live a little bit!
The girls, plus Steve and Billy, dance seductively across the stage toward the boys. In the audience, Mr. Burnside is now crying while Mr. Coen stares at the stage looking comatose. The girls, plus Steve and Billy, meet the boys and pair off. For about two minutes everything seems to be going fine, of course that can't last for long…and doesn't as Ark steps on Alexia's foot.
Alexia promptly mutates and sets Ark on fire. In the meantime, as William is spinning Rebecca he somehow manages to slap Steve, who is dancing with Joseph, in the head. Steve then decks William, knocking him unconscious. Ark is still running around on fire as Annette lets out a loud scream and jumps Steve. Meanwhile Sherry, Enrico, and Rebecca finally tackle Ark to the ground and are attempting to put him out. Joseph is trying to pull Annette off of Steve, as she is beating the hell out of him. Then Brad does the dumbest possible thing that he could do at this point in time. While trying to run away from all the hostility, he trips. As he falls, he grabs for something, manages to snag a handful of Claire's dress, and…well…rips it off her as he hit's the ground.
Claire runs off stage, now dressed only in a sports bra and that frilly underwear you're supposed to wear
under a can-can dress.
Predictably Leon jumps Brad. Steve would also have jumped Brad, were he not currently being strangled by Annette. Billy rolls his eyes and tries to pull Leon off of Brad. From the audience there is a loud gasp of surprise at Claire's violent disrobing. Salven jumps to his feet and points a finger at the stage, looking really pissed off.
"That kid's like 14, that is so wrong!"
Mrs. Oliveria looks mildly shocked. "Wow you finally said something that isn't derogatory and sexist!"
"I mean ripping her dress off is fine if she's like 20."
There is a five second pause before Salven is decked by Mr. Redfield. Salven is now unconscious. Morpheus comes running out, mutates into his female tyrant form, and electrocutes the entire cast to stop the madness. As our poor campers all lay twitching on stage Morpheus turns to the audience, still in tyrant form, and clears his…err…her…uh…its…throat.
"Um sorry about this…onto the next song!"
It then gives a dainty bow and quickly drags the unconscious William, the badly fried Ark, and the half dead Steve off stage. The remaining cast pulls themselves up off the floor and gets into position for the next song. Claire returns wearing a new dress. A spotlight illuminates Forest on stage left.
"And so in hopes of convincing Zidler to allow Christian to write Spectacular Spectacular.
Toulouse arranges a meeting between Christian and Satine. But she is better known as the Sparkling Diamond…"
Jill: (above the stage on a swing) The French are glad to die for love. They delight in fighting duels. But I prefer a man who lives and gives expensive…jewels.
Jill is lowered to the floor by Nemmy, the only stage hand, as the music picks up. And let's just say her outfit is rather revealing. Pretty much just a strapless sequined swimsuit and top hat. To say her Dad isn't pleased would be an understatement. Thankfully, Salven is unconscious and unable to comment at this time. Which is probably, given the comments he would probably have made, very healthy for him.
Jill: (hops off the swing) A kiss on the hand may be quite continental…but diamonds are a girl's best friend!
Jill is now dancing among the boys and well let's say it's kina provocative. Mr. Valentine is not pleased at all, as evidenced by his ever reddening face and tightening fists.
Jill: A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat…(spins toward Kenneth, running a finger down his nose) Or help you feed your pussy cat! (gives him a push backwards into Joseph)
Joseph manages to miss catching Kenneth and he hit's the floor with a loud thud.
Jill: Men grow cold as girls grow old, and we all lose or charms in the end! (shakes her booty at Enrico)
But square cut or pear shaped these rocks don't lose their shape! Diamonds are a girl's best friend!
Joseph lifts Jill up onto his shoulders.
Jill: Tiffanies! Caritas!
Joseph sets her on the floor and gives her a little spin.
Jill: (puts her hands behind her head and proceeds to flounce) Cause we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl. (leans forward and kisses Leon)
Leon blushes bright crimson as Jill proceeds to flounce off. Claire, understandably, is jealous. She grabs a 2X4 from the set behind her, ripping it right off the windmill I might add, and promptly lays him out. There is wince from the audience as Leon does a complete 360 and falls off the stage. In the meantime Jill continues to flounce, ignoring the carnage going on around her.
Jill: There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer!
Enrico and Joseph lift her onto a riser with Barry.
Barry: But diamonds are a girl's best friend!
Jill: (still flouncing) There may come a time when a hardboiled employer thinks…
Jill/Barry: You're awful nice.
Jill: (shakes a finger at the crowd) But get that ice or else no dice!
The Girls (plus Billy): He's your guy when stocks are high, but beware when they start to descend! Diamonds are a girl's best…diamonds are girl's best…diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Jill: (slips down from the riser and flaunts her way toward Chris) Cause that's when those louses go back to their spouses! Diamonds are a girl's best…diamonds are girl's beeest…
Chris is turning his top hat nervously in his hands as Jill comes to a stop in front of him. She smiles and puts her face only inches from his.
The curtain swings shut and the audience enthusiastically applaud. While the audience cheers, Morpheus sneaks out and grabs the unconscious Leon from the floor in front of the stage and drags him away. Mrs. Valentine looks to be very proud of her daughter's performance.
"Oh my she's doing so well!"
Mr. Valentine grunts a reply, he's still not happy with the wardrobe. This is evidenced by the fact that he has snapped the arms off his chair. I guess seeing your only little girl flouncing around in a sequined swimsuit does nothing for your nerves.
Forest clears his throat. "But Satine was to meet someone else that night. Zidler's investor…The Duke. However
due to a slight mix up, it was instead Christian that was invited to her room. And it was not The Duke Satine tried to woo but Christian, thinking he was the Duke. And so our esteemed, and very poor, writer becomes smitten with her…"
The curtain opens on Satine's room. Jill is now dressed in some skimpy black lingerie and a see through black robe.
Jill's father is now even less pleased than before.
Chris: My gift is my song! And this one's for you.
Jill stands up from the bed looking surprised.
Chris: And you can tell everybody that this is your song. It may be quite simple but, now that it's done…I hope you don't mind…I hope you don't mind that I put down in words! How wonderful life is now you're in the world.
She walks toward Chris, smiling.
Chris: Sat on the roof, and I kicked off the moss. Well some of these versus well they…they got me quite cross. But the sun's been kind while I wrote this song. It's for people like you that keep it turned on!
Jill laughs as he takes a hold of her hand.
Chris: (proceeds to dace with Jill as the backdrop disappears into what looks to be a roof scene with the moon overhead) So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do. You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue!
Jill blushes as Chris stares into the eyes while they dance.
Chris: Anyway, the thing is…what I really mean…yours are the sweetest….
Suddenly the moon drops out of its proverbial orbit above the stage and cracks poor Chris in the head. The audience gasps in surprise and Mrs. Redfield jumps to her feet. Morpheus rushes on stage to check on the condition of our star, as the curtain closes. Backstage Wesker is giggling evilly and holding a pair of very large scissors. Guess it doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened to the rope that had been, at least until a few seconds ago, holding up the moon. Morpheus returns to the stage looking a bit paler than usual.
"Due to some unforeseen events, we will be cutting the production short." It snaps his head to Forest. "Just skip to the end!"
"Um…ya…well…ok. Let's see here, um…The Duke falls in love with Satine. Satine is in love with Christian. Uh…The Duke doesn't like that idea…so he demands that they change the ending of Spectacular Spectacular so that the Courtesan falls in love with the king guy. Satine lies to Christian and breaks up with him. Because the Duke threatened to kill Christian if Satine sees him again." Forest flips through his script pages. "Um…Satine is dying…Christian is pissed at Satine. Uh…he throws money at her and walks off the stage in the middle of the play. Then Toulouse says…."
The curtain opens again as Morpheus scurries off stage. Hanging from a rope above the stage, Alfred finally puts in an appearance.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!"
Jill is standing on a raised part of the stage, crying. Chris is standing below her a few paces away. He slowly turns toward her. Wesker sitting in a chair on stage right looking board. Chris runs up the stage, takes Jill in his arms, and kisses her. There is a long sigh from the audience. Then Wesker, feeling the show needs a bit more violence, jumps Chris. As the two boys tumble to the floor Jill grabs a nearby piece of scenery, a large shrubbery, and starts whapping on Wesker.
Mrs. Wesker jumps to her feet. "DON'T YOU HIT MY BABY!"
As Mrs. Wesker runs up on stage and tries to beat on Jill, Mrs. Valentine jumps to her feet.
"YOU'RE BABY STARTED IT!"
Mrs. Valentine then runs on stage and jumps Mrs. Wesker.
"WAIT FOR ME!"
Mrs. Redfield jumps to her feet, runs on stage, and also jumps Mrs. Wesker. The members of the audience and the members of the cast, then glance at one another, wondering how to put a stop to the fighting. Just then, an argument breaks out between Mr. Wesker and Mr. Redfield.
"At least my son is cool!" Mr. Wesker jumps to his feet. "He's not a sniveling wimp like your son!"
"Really…" Mr. Redfield slowly gets to his feet, all 6'4" of him. I should mention he outweighs Mr. Wesker by at least a hundred pounds and is five inches taller. "At least my son doesn't get bitch slapped by a woman later in life."
Mr. Wesker then jumps Mr. Redfield. All hell breaks loose from here on. Almost all the women jump Salven, beating the hell out of him. Brad and Mr. Vickers are running around screaming their heads off, while Billy and Mr. Coen try to chase them down. Ark's parent's, Barry's parent's, and Annette's father are staring at shiny objects. Mr. Burnside and Mr. Kennedy are engaged in a slap fight. Rebecca and her parents are trying to help the wounded and the rest of the cast are trying to break up the fights between the parents…
Several hours, broken bones, concussions, contusions, black eyes, and bloody noses later…
We find our happy campers bidding a fond …ok well maybe not fond…but they are bidding farewell to Camp Umbrella. There are many tearful partings among friends, a few shaken fists at enemies, and Kenneth, Forest, Joseph and Enrico are now counting the days until the Mansion Incident. They were kind of hopping Chris and Wesker would kill each other, but it didn't happen.
So as they leave Camp Umbrella they shed tears of joy and some of sorrow. I suppose they would be crying a whole lot harder if they knew their parents planned on sending them back next year…
Suddenly every car leaving the camp comes to a skidding halt and all the kids bail out, looking sick and worried. The run up to the Camp Umbrella sign where our esteemed authoress is perched typing on a borrowed laptop, which has Property of Nefarious Angel stamped on the outside casing for everyone to see, wearing Chris' STARS uniform from CVX.
"WHAT?" Jill looks ready to throw up.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NEXT YEAR?" Chris looks ready to pass out.
Brad is whimpering loudly, clinging to Billy's leg.
"NO FREAKING WAAY!" Billy glances down at Brad. "And if it does happen I…am…NOT…protecting …you…AGAIN!"
Sherry is sobbing. "Just shoot me!"
"Not more quality time with Steve the freak!" Leon hooks a thumb toward Steve.
"Like I want to be around you either!"
Steve then decks Leon. Leon is now on the ground, unconscious…again…
Annette is shaking head. "I really to not want to make a return appearance here."
Birkin is holding several cages with his animal experiments. "Nor I."
Carlos pleads. "Please show some decency you twisted woman!"
Wesker is pissed. "NO BLOODY WAY YOU'RE DRAGGING ME BACK HERE!"
Barry is staring off into space. "No…not again…"
Ark is beating himself in the head with Sherry's stick. "FORGET FORGET! NOT AGAIN!"
Alfred is screaming bloody murder and holding on to Alexia's leg, while Alexia is looking unnaturally freaked out.
"That is so…evil…"
Rebecca has melted into a puddle of goo. Enrico, Forest, Kenneth, and Joseph are all thinking this could be a second chance to get rid of Wesker and Chris. WC is taking great joy in the pain she has caused and cackles evilly as she types away thinking about a possible sequel.
"Maybe, maybe not….who knows!"
The entire cast then glumly walks back to the waiting cars, but before they leave they bid a truly fond farewell to the readers.
"GOOD BYE TO EVERYONE! WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED OUR TIME TOGETHER!"
They all look at each other grumble a bit more, sigh, swear, and finally climb into the waiting cars.
- Fin -
A/N: I hope everyone enjoyed this final chapter of Camp Umbrella. (Even if I did cut the production of Moulin Rouge short) I would just like to truly thank everyone who read this story and left such wonderful reviews. It is due to the fans that this story has gone on as long as it has. Originally it was only meant to be five or six chapters long. Once again I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
PS: I do not know yet if there will be a sequel or not, but it is a possibility…you can always hope!