Disclaimer: Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.

Author's Notes: Both Luke and Jan are human, I'm aware of the internal policies inside the SS and this is not an accurate portrayal. There's nothing much explicit, the rating is because of Jan's charming mouth. This was a gift requested by Zimon66 (Jan or Luke ValentinexAlucard without being non-con) and edited by Bishounen No Hime and is part of the collective of Christmas presents I'm writing for friends.

Once upon December

Once upon December, Jan Valentine awoke in his sleeping bag with a headache proper after too many whiskies and unable to recall what he did last night. He was nude - his SS uniform was torn into tatters beside him. His superior would not be happy to see that but hell, who the fuck cares what that piece of shit had to say? His uncle was part of Hitler's elite scientists; no one dared to lay a finger on him or the sissy of his older brother.

He stirred, attempting to move out of the mattress when a pain shot through his body. His arsehole was sore. And man, it hurt a lot. Jan scratched his head, rolling to the right. During the twirl, he brushed something soft with his face – a white, fuzzy hat.

Now he remembered.

Jan was bored of killing those stupid Russian fuckers, fed off the Leningrad shitty battle already. Good that his brother had written his uncle to take them out of there as soon as possible. He was hungry, cold and wanted a girl for a quickie. Most bitches around there were ugly matrons, he craved fresh flesh. Luke was horny too but being gay, he had better luck than him to get laid – there were tons of young men.

"Fuck this!" Jan had exclaimed, starting to shoot aimlessly in his path. "I fucking hate this place! Where are the whores?!"

Frustrated, he contemplated wanking in a dark alley but the winter breeze would freeze his semen and his hand would get stuck. Jan was shameless but knowing the Commander, he would chop his prick off to free his hand. Better if he did not make the stakes so high.

In a stroke of fool's luck, he crossed paths with the hottest creature that walked in the city by now. Long, black hair, delicate bone structure, skin as pale as the clothes she was wearing, full red lips and the cutest hat he had seen. She was wearing some suit that covered her curves and breasts, camouflage purposes. Jan rubbed his hands together, thinking of her lovely screams as he took her.

Snickering, Jan drew closer and closer. "Hi, slut, fancy a fuck?" he asked, stepping in her path. She looked at him with red eyes that reminded him of a rabbit – a demonic bunny – and smiled with long teeth – sharp canines- before aiming him with a big gun – an Arms Corp 40 MM MGM. Holy shit! He widened his eyes slightly before hoisting his own weapon to her head. "What's a little girl like you is doing with such a big gun?" he mocked, "Maybe you like them, you could grab another…"

She, in return, laughed – the sound chilled his bones more than the Russian winter. Leaning in, she disarmed him with ease, grasping his sleeve. "I have my own," she purred, reaching for Jan's hand to bring it to her groin. Or rather his. The Russian girl was not Russian or even a girl! "Your flowery speech stirred my loins." Her hair shifted into dark tendrils that captured his body and brought it to him where his lips met Jan's. The dead tongue forcefully entered into his mouth, so long that travelled to tickle his glottis. The youngest Valentine closed his eyes and moaned at the sensation of having his oral cavity ravaged – deeper and deeper. Jan almost choked, freezing in place. What he should do? This thing was not a woman.

Oh fuck it, Jan thought, This dude is the closest to a hot girl I will have around this hellhole.



Luke, who just walked in, cut Jan's recollection short. His clothes were also in a miserable aspect. His uniform had nearly fallen in pieces; hair unruly and small cuts that formed visible half moon of blood- cheeks marred, neck marked, arms and legs slashed. Man, he was supposed to set the example of excellency! Jan laughed.

"Yeah, bro'?"

"Uncle's letter has arrived. We'll travel to Poland on the next embark," Luke replied, assessing the state of Jan's sleeping bag. The younger brother grinned; the smell of sex lingered in the air. "Did you have fun last night?" he asked, pointing out the hat resting on his lap.

"You could say that, bro'," Jan licked his lips, caressing the hat. "The little bitch was fiery. You also had a wild night, didn't you? Heh heh…"

Luke looked shiftily and coughed. "In the future I'll keep in mind that despite the tradition of being prudes," he told him. "British men have kinky bondage fetishes. Specially the young ones, they can do incredible things with dental floss."