Story Title: Anne of Feudal Japan
Story Summary: She's tough. She's buff. Just don't call her "Carrots".
This is probably the very first "Anne of Green Gables" X Inuyasha crossover. I'm so going to hell.
Foreword: Well, you see, when I was on exchange in Japan I noticed this insane obsession with all things related to "Anne of Green Gables". Go figure. Anyways, it spawned this really bizarre idea about Anne and Inuyasha and pointy swords and well, I figured it would be cool to have what has to be the first "Anne of Green Gables" X Inuyasha crossover fic.... Aw, hell with it. There is no excuse. I am a bad, bad person.
Chapter Summary: You'd think that Kagome would have learned by now to be careful what she says....
Disclaimer: Inuyasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and Shonen Jump. "Anne" belongs to the estate of L.M. Montgomery.
Warning: Rated PG-13 for Inuyasha's potty mouth and Anne's violent temper.
Part 1: In Which Kagome Regrets Ever Opening Her Mouth
"Why, why do I have to read English children's stories?"
"I have no idea wench and if you don't stop whining, I'm going to take your En-gu-lishu story and shove-"
"That won't be necessary Inuyasha. What our beloved companion means to say, Kagome-sama, is that the rest of us have had very, very little sleep for the past three days because of your er... "difficulties" with this story. While we appreciate the importance of these 'tests' that you need to take-"
"What bouzo means is either read that shit quietly or watch it 'accidently' fall in a creek next time you ride on my back."
The entire Inu-gumi looked like they had been run over by a very large steam-roller. Except that there weren't any steam-rollers in Feudal Japan. "Four days," Sango whispered into Kirara's ear. She irritably batted at Miroku- he was snoring on her shoulder and a trail of his drool was making its way down her throat. "I have gone four days without more than an hour's sleep a night. I am not like the houshi- I can't sleep in any position. I love Kagome, but this can't go on or I will burn the book myself."
Kirara made a noise that might have been agreement. Or a large hairball.
Things finally came to a head when the group stopped for lunch. After a brief session of muttering, ('You do it.' 'No, you do it!') and shoving, Sango was 'volunteered' as the least threatening person to approach Kagome.
"I hope that Inuyasha isn't getting a cold.... But to answer your question, Sango, I'm reading 'Anne of Green Gables' for my English language class."
"That sounds really interesting.... Say Kagome, do you think that it might be possible for you to not talk about the book while you're reading it?"
Kagome's lips started to quiver. Sango shifted into full-on panic mode.
"No! I didn't mean it! You can talk as much as you want! Sleep isn't that important!"
It was too late. Four days without sleep and weeks of panic had taken their toll. Kagome had gone into full-blown hysteria. "I hardly understand English as it is and all my friends are obsessed with this book and I don't understand why and I'm going crazy because none of it makes any sense to me and I wish that I could get my hands on the maniac that is the source of all these problems!"
Apparently the six fragments of the Shikon no Tama in Kagome's possession had a sense of humor.
Suddenly there were sparkly lights and loud popping noises all over the surface of the lake.
As the Inu-gumi stared, frozen, at the lake surface, a shape slowly emerged from the water and made its way to the lake shore.
"Have we met?"
"Kagome-sama, is she always like this?"
"She's a fictional character. She doesn't exist. She doesn't have a personality that can be 'always like this'."
"Well currently your non-existent character is eating all of Shippo's candy and we're grateful because it's the first time that she's stopped talking since we fished her out of the lake."
"How the hell did you pull that shit off anyways? It's not like you have the whole jewel to make a wish."
"I think that my miko powers got a magical upgrade."
"Stupid bitch- miko powers don't get magical upgrades."
"Hey if your sword is allowed to have magical upgrades my miko powers are allowed to have magical upgrades!"
"Um, excuse me, I've been so excited about all the beautiful bounty of nature that I nearly forgot...but where exactly am I and who are you people?"
"And it's only two hours after she started talking."
"So I'm a character in that fascinating book that has my name and house on it and somehow I wound up in a lake in Ancient Japan, speaking a completely unfamiliar language? And you're all magical people on a special mission to save the world? "
"That's pretty much it."
"Oh this is amazing! I've always wanted to take part in a real Adventure! Can you call me Cordelia?"
"Um... wow.... You're handling this really well."
"Well obviously I have either tragically gone insane or I am having a dream resulting from all that plum jam I ate yesterday. And in my dreams I always get to be Cordelia."
"Um, I remember it saying in the book that you hated your name, but truthfully it's a lot easier for the rest of us to remember 'Anne' than it is to remember 'Cordelia'."
"Another cherished dream denied. Such is life. Hey, that little kid is really cute."
Kagome took aside the rest of the group while Anne was playing with Shippo.
"There are a couple of things that you need to know when dealing with Anne. She has a bit of an um... 'imagination' so just smile and nod when she makes strange comments and never, under any circumstances, refer to her hair as 'red'. She has a really, really bad temper in the book. That also means that you need to be strictly hands-off Miroku if you want to keep your hands."
"That beautiful, sweet-tempered, talkative angel has anger problems? I find that very difficult to believe Kagome-sama."
While Kagome was trying to keep her own temper under control, a whirlwind of dust suddenly settled in front of her.
"Ah, it is always good to see my woman.... Hey who's the red-head?"
There was an ominous silence. Anne's voice was deceptively calm when she started to speak.
"You look like Gilbert."
From the way Kouga was nervously backing up, his eyes shifting from side to side, it was obvious that he knew that this wasn't a good thing.
"You sound like Gilbert."
Anne took a step forward. Kouga took two back and let out something that might have been a whimper.
"And you said that my hair is red."
That was when Kouga made his fatal mistake.
Kagome and Sango quietly chewed a couple of Shippo's candies while they watched Anne give a cowering Kouga the tongue lashing of his life.
"So who is this 'Gilbert'? Is he a modern demon in disguise?"
"I don't know, but Eri said that she ended up marrying him."
"Oh... That makes sense."
"...And furthermore, my name is Anne, not Carrots, not Red, not Woman, and you will treat me with all the respect accorded a lady!"
"Why is Kouga looking at Anne like that?"
"I think he likes her."
"Oh god. Not again."
"You're just jealous that Kouga's going after someone else."
Sango watched Kouga scratch a hard-to-reach itch while Anne continued to rant.
"Or maybe not."
Will Anne defeat Naraku with her amazing powers of er...oh...never mind? Will Kagome ever understand her English book? Will the sheer stupidity of this story cause a great sucking vortex to form on the Net?
Find out next time in the exciting conclusion of "Anne of Feudal Japan"!