My Sweet Raven,
If you ever decided to glance at this book again, which I doubt you will but wish you would, I want you to know something, something that has been killing me ever since you sealed me back in here.
Let me explain. Please, just give me a moment, please read this and know that I…I am truly sorry.
I know it's not enough, I know that it will never be enough merely to say, or to write, a full apology. Nothing I can do as I am now will be able to make it all up to you. But, still, I want you to know I am sorry, if only you knew how much it costs me to say that. But I would say it a thousand times if it would make things better, and though I know it won't, I'm still going to try.
I am sorry, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that you had to fall in love with me, I'm sorry that I couldn't have gone about my freedom in a different manner, a manner that wouldn't have broken you as it did. I am sorry for my actions after you did free me, I tried so hard to keep it from happening, but I couldn't.
I deceived you, I had to, you would have never freed me had you known the truth. You would have never even spoken to me, you would have burned my pages the moment I tried to tell you. You may think that you know the truth, that I am just the dread dragon who nearly destroyed half the earth, but that's not all of it. I wish it were that simple, I really do.
I don't expect you to understand, I don't expect you to sympathize with me or to have pity on me. In fact I really don't expect you to even be reading this, but I want you to know the reason for my actions. You don't know me, so now I'm going to tell you.
I was a man once…no, I lie again, I was never a man but some twisted creature born to look like one. I don't know who my father was, frankly I'm not even sure I had a father, or even if he was human himself. But I do remember my mother, all too well in fact.
Oh she was brilliant, extraordinarily so, especially during her time. I would even go so far as to say she had found a way to slow her aging down drastically, and eventually never age at all. She was an enchantress, a sorceress, an alchemist, a witch, a wizard, all of those things she was, but she was also a scientist. And I was another of her 'experiments', I was probably a failure too. She twisted me on the inside, granting me power in body and in magic. She taught me the forbidden arts, demonic summonings, dark rituals, necromancy, and many more that I would rather not mention. I don't know what I was at first, but I do know what I became.
Thinking back on it now, I realize that I probably did have a choice, I could have chosen not to follow my mother, to leave her and find my own path. But I didn't, I continued to let her lead me, in spite of her torturous training and harsh punishments. There were many times I could have left, but I was driven to stay. She was giving me power and knowledge, the kind of power that many humans only dream of, the kind of power that, I knew, would make me great.
But as I grew older I experienced changes, many changes due to my mother's experimenting. There were times when I would loose myself, I could not remember what I had been doing for hours at a time, days would sometimes go by and I would only see glimpses of them, sometimes it would be weeks before I came back to myself. And then it was as if my thoughts kept taking on a life of their own. I didn't know myself anymore, I didn't know which way my thoughts or my mood would turn. I knew I would go insane, but at the same time it was like there was something that wouldn't let me, as if it were purposely keeping me conscious of myself in spite of everything, just to torment me.
My body began to undergo changes as well, however. Changes that left me screaming in pain and fear. My white hair is due to the nightmares I had during this time. I don't remember what they were, I never remembered them. Frankly I believe I truly would have gone insane if I had.
You see, I had a demon inside of me. Not the sort of demon you are use to I'm sure, it is a creature of my mother's creation, something entirely new. I call it a demon, a creature, but it is me at the same time. It is hard to explain, and I doubt it's possible to understand without experiencing it yourself.
And my mother…she did nothing to help, nothing. In fact when I tried to beg her to save me, she just looked at me and turned away, as if I were hardly worth her attention anymore. She ignored my torment, wouldn't even put me out of my misery. It was like I had proven that I was another failed experiment and that she couldn't, no, she wouldn't do anything to try and help me.
I started hating her then, in fact I loathed her. I gave her one last chance to help me, and when she didn't I killed her, unleashing all the power that she had ever given me.
Eventually, after over a year of this torture, one day my body began to morph, to change shape, size, and race. I became the dragon, and as a dragon I am the 'demon'.
After the transformation, I found that I could shift from human to dragon whenever I pleased. And at this time I knew that it would be possible to acquire the help of a church of some kind and rid myself of the dragon, but I didn't. I was powerful as a dragon, I was unstoppable. No one could stand before me, I could take the world. And so I tried.
As you have probably already deduced, it was the wizard Rorek who finally defeated me, and sealed me within this book. He looks nothing like my human form, however, again I changed his picture as well. I won't go into much detail about that.
Are you still reading this? Or have you burned me yet? If you're still reading this then I have more to say, though I'm almost hoping you've already burned me so that the next thing I say won't ever be seen. It's hard, but I have to say it.
I love you.
Are you confused? I certainly am, but it's the only thing I can think of to explain all of this. I don't know love, I've never really known what it is. It was never shown to me, nor explained to me, all I ever had was a basic description of the word. And that's all it is to me, a word. Or at least it was.
Raven, my sweet Raven, I want to be close to you, I want you to be mine, forever. I want to share your pain, I want to wipe away your tears, I want to make you happy, I want to see you smiling again, I want to see you smiling at me. It hurts in a way that I have never experienced before, I can't stand it, Raven. You matter more to me than anything ever had, your happiness is more important than mine, and your pain is like a knife into my own chest, a poisoned knife, because I myself have caused it.
I long for you Raven, I long to hold you again, even as the paper man. It's like a burning inside of me that I can't control. And I'm…afraid. Tell me, is this love? I don't know, I've never felt this way before.
I wish I could take back what I did to you, I wish I could have realized that you're all that has ever really mattered to me, you're the only one I have ever cared about more than myself. Though, that isn't saying a great deal, I don't even care about myself much. Still, I want you to know that I really do love you, as much as I can love at all. There is no excuse for my actions, just know that I am hurting just as much, if not more, as you.
It's painful, knowing that I love you and yet I lost my one chance to have you. I am such a fool, no, I am a pathetic, twisted creature with no excuse for living. I'm not even a true dragon, or a demon. I'm a monstrosity. And you, you are an angel, a beautiful, perfect angel of the night. I have no right to even touch you. Please forgive me, and if you can't do that, at the very least forget about me. Do me the favor of burning my pages and never think of me again.
Forever Yours, Malchior.
Shaking, Raven closed the book and backed away from it, sitting on her bed with her knees hugged to her chest, her face buried in her legs. So many thoughts going about in her head, so many emotions fighting to get out, and yet being forced back. She was at her limit, and was getting dangerously close to passing it.
She should have never opened that book again; she should have never even taken it out of its chest. Why couldn't she have just burned the entire chest, that would have taken it all away, wouldn't it? Why, why had she opened it again? Of course he would try to trick her again, try to excuse his actions, or explain them to make her pity him. He was probably expecting her to just come back to him, and he would be there, acting like the perfect pathetic creature that doesn't deserve anything. He'd ask her to teach him how to be good and then, the instant she released him again, he would turn around and try to kill her so she couldn't seal him back away.
He's already proved to be an excellent actor, and here he was being a good writer as well. Did he really think she was going to fall for it?
Well, if he did, he was right. She couldn't help it, she wanted him back so badly. She wanted someone she could talk to, someone who would understand her, and love her in spite of everything she was. It was likely he wanted the same thing, but could she trust him? No, she couldn't, no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't trust him again.
"You don't believe me, do you?" A soft, hesitant voice broke the silence of her room.
She didn't respond, what could she say? If she said 'yes', he would keep trying to feed her things and convince her that 'I was wrong' and she should give him another chance. But again, she was in no condition to be able to lie properly.
"Raven, please don't cry…" He whispered.
Was she crying? Yes, she could feel the wetness on her face now, and on her legs where she pressed her face to them. She was loosing it, she was about to shatter, she had to get control of herself! "Why…" She heard her voice say, "Why do you insist on tormenting me? Why do you have to keep playing with my emotions like this?" She whispered.
"I…I never wanted…to hurt you…" His voice was barely audible, but she could still hear him clearly.
She didn't look at him, she refused to. She would see a page of his eyes, and they would be looking sad, lonely, and regretful. Once she looked he would have her, she knew it. Why? After so many years of suppressing her emotions, why had it been so easy for him to trick her, to break her as he had? Why was it so easy for him to take a hold of her and drag her down so he could use her? Had she really always been this weak?
Suddenly, she felt something on her shoe, it was very small, and it was barely touching her, but it was enough to make her raise her head and look. She gasped, and jumped away on instinct.
White, silvery hair cascaded over his bare shoulders, his lean, yet muscular arms were reaching out for her, trying to touch her. His face was hidden, he was unable to look up at her through the effort it was taking for him to stretch as far as he was able to. Somehow, she didn't know how, but he had managed to crawl out of the book, his upper torso had. The rest of him, however, was being kept firmly from getting out by the paper ribbons of the book, and it looked like they were tearing at his skin, causing blood to appear, trying to bring him back inside it.
"M-Malchior, how—?" She stuttered.
He gave up reaching for her, and instead used his hands to prop himself up, but he still couldn't look at her, "I just want," his voice was pained, horse, as if this were taking so much effort he could barely even talk. "I just want t-to touch you…t-to be close…"
She couldn't help it, she couldn't stop herself, she went to him. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close, forcing herself with all her might not to cry. He brought his arms up around her as well, and once he did this she saw the rest of him start to come out of the book, only with the paper ribbons still wrapped tightly around him, acting as both clothing and a rope to keep him from completely being able to release himself. He pushed her back so that they were laying down in her bed, just holding each other close.
"H-how…" She whispered.
"Don't worry," He said, his voice was normal now, "It's only temporary, the moment you release me I'll be drawn back into the book." He whispered to her, stroking her hair.
"I can…" She began.
"No, Raven." He said firmly. He then brought himself up a ways, so that now she could look into his crystal blue eyes, and see the rest of his face. It was a beautiful face, handsome, yet feminine at the same time. And his eyes…were just how she knew them from the pages of his book. But his expression was grim and stern, she looked up at him, questioning. Why? "Raven, you can't trust me." He told her.
"Because the only thing that has changed about me is that I now know what it feels like to love. The instant you release me I'll betray your trust again. I'll kill your friends and then take you as a prisoner, I might even rape you in spite of this. I'm a monster, Raven, but I don't want to hurt you any more." He said, he then touched her lips gently with his and buried his face in her neck.
"You, you could change, couldn't you? I could help, we might be able to destroy the dragon and…" She tried.
But he sighed heavily, "I wish it were that simple, but it's not. Raven, I never had a choice, I never had a chance. I just said that in an attempt to make you hate me more. The only thing keeping me from taking you right now is the fact that I can't. I long for you with everything I am and I want you to be mine forever. I can barely control my own thoughts and emotions, especially when I'm free of these bounds. I can't just not be the dragon, I am the dragon, through and through. I know it's hard to understand, but you can not release me." He told her.
She shook and held on to him tightly, tears began to seep from her eyes in spite of herself. "You can't even change, for me?" She whispered.
Malchior raised his head and licked her salty tears from her cheeks, "For you, I would do anything. But it's not in my power, Raven. My mother made sure of that." He said.
"But you can love, right? You could change as well, you could…"
But he sighed, looking exasperated. "For the last time, I am not human. I never was. I can love, yes, but that doesn't mean I can change as well. The fact that I love you won't stop me from hurting you, and neither will my wish that I won't hurt you. I know it's confusing, but you must understand, while I am truly sincere now in saying that I do love you, I would be just as truthful if I said, the next day, that all I wanted from you was your body and that I didn't care about your thoughts or feelings, and then the next if I told you I hated you and wished you were dead. That's the creature my mother turned me into, that is what I am. Gods know I don't want to hurt you, but I know I will, and that is why…" He trailed off, casting his eyes away.
"Why what?" Raven asked, her voice trembling.
He closed his eyes, as if to prepare himself for what he was about to say, then he met her eyes again, "Why I have to ask you, to kill me."
"No!" She suddenly cried, jerking up into a sitting position with him still in her arms, refusing to let him go. "I-I won't! I don't care what you might think, everyone can change! You could change with some help if you wanted to. But I refuse to kill you! I can't." She exclaimed.
But Malchior pushed her back from him, holding her by the shoulders so he could look her in the eye. "Raven, you don't understand. I cannot change, evil has been sewn into my being, it is apart of me! I don't have any good to change into!" He told her.
But she met his stern look with one of her own, "Don't talk to me about that." She snapped, her voice suddenly harsh as well, "You think I don't know anything? You think I can't understand all of that? I am a demon, Malchior. Perhaps only half, but I am still a demon. Tell me that there's a race more evil than that." She said.
Malchior's expression softened, and he stared at her, as if now seeing her for the first time. And then he suddenly pulled her into a tight embrace, holding her as closely as he could without crushing her. "Alright," he whispered, "I'll try, I'll do everything I possibly can to try. I'll try to change for you. But Raven, I can't gurantee anything, and if I can't change…if I end up hurting you again, even a little, I want you to promise me that you'll burn the book and forget about me. If I can't be saved, I might as well be dead. And promise that you won't release me unless there is no doubt that I have been able to, to purify myself, as you have." He said. "Promise me."
Raven wrapped her arms around him and whispered, "I promise."
Malchior released her, but just enough that he could bend down and press his lip to hers. At first it was a gentle, hesitant kiss, and then it slowly became more forceful, more passionate. They massaged each others lips with their own, and after a moment it was Raven who slipped her tongue into his mouth. He was slightly startled, but was soon exploring her own mouth with his tongue, seeming to like this new form of kissing.
When they finally broke off Raven found that they were laying back on her bed again, both of them panting. Malchior glanced down at her, slightly confused, "Raven…you're clothes are white again. What does that mean?" he asked.
She smiled, a free, unhindered smile that felt foreign on her face, yet she couldn't help it. "It means I've been purified, I am free from my father's influence, and the darkness of my demonic blood." She answered.
He looked at the cloth in wonder, "Am, I the cause of this?" He whispered.
"Yes, you are." She answered.
"Perhaps…there is hope for me after all." He said. He then gave her one final kiss, and then pulled away from her completely. The paper ribbons binding the lower half of his body pulled him back into the book, and he let them.
Raven almost grabbed him back, but what good would it do? He would go back in it anyways, and it's not like they could get any closer to each other than they had.
Once he was gone, she leaned over too the book and found that he had changed the pages again. Now there was a picture of him holding her close, with words beneath it that said, "Forever Yours."
A/N: HI EVERYONE!!!! Yeah, I know that last part was a little cheesy, but hey, we like cheese, it tastes good…unless you get the bad kind, the bad kind just stinks and makes your breath stink and all that. BUT ANYWAY!!!
This is dedicated to all the loyal readers who read and reviewed Spellbinder (another Raven/Malchior fic, but Rorek's in it too), but especially to Twilight Shards because she rocks and her Raven/Malchior fics are really good and you should all read them and tell her how totally awesome they are.
On another note, I know, I know, I'm suppose to be writing the sequel to Spellbinder, and I'm working on it! However, I am hoping that this lovely one-shot will buy me some time to get it all sorted out and stuff (still working on it y'know). I know it's probably not as good as Spellbinder, but hey, you could cut me a little slack over here. I have school and a job to juggle like everyone else!!! I may not have a life, but I still have those! ….okay so school isn't going so bad and my job doesn't take too much outta me, I'm just making excuses like everyone else. But if you sacrifice me to Trigon you won't be getting your Spellbinder Sequel, so ha! Lol.