A/N: Hey everybody! I've hit a bit of a writer's block in But Home Is Nowhere…(don't worry, I'm working on a new chapter anyways), and I had this idea during our two hour long chapel service today at school, so I thought I'd write it out and post it. It's kind of short, and kind of bittersweet, and kind of bad, so, yeah. Read if you like, don't if you don't. Same with reviewing. Whatever floats your boat. It's kind of AU too. Hope you like.
Disclaimer: Do I look like a man to you?
To Whomever It Would Concern-
Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if you're really alive? Do you think to yourself as you coat your face in make-up that perhaps you aren't living the truth? That perhaps the world is nothing but a farce, and that there might not be any real reason for you to anything that you have done? I did.
As your tears smear the ink on this page (don't pretend you're not crying, I know you are), I'll remind you who you thought I was. I was the boy who never said anything. I was the child with the ice cold heart of an adult, and I was the one who held more hatred then anyone else you've known. I had dark eyes and handsome features, and one look at my face would bring any girl to her knees. I didn't care. I was the one who never loved anyone. That's what you thought, wasn't it? You thought that I was so full of dark emotions that I didn't have room for anyone else, didn't you? Admit it. You had me pegged this way from the first.
Well, guess what? You were fucking wrong. You were so far off target that I started to wonder if we were even facing the same direction. You saw me full of hatred and darkness, but every day when I would look in the mirror, my eyes were empty. I would stare for long moments, remembering the days when they had said something. I would wonder what it was to have emotion. Heart. And as I strained to recall even the idea of sentiment, I would come up blank. I had nothing.
Then something happened, and my world shattered. My tiny globe was not enough to hold everything that came barging in on me, and it broke. Team 7. Haruno Sakura was an interesting girl. Annoying beyond belief with her insufferable proclamations of undying love and constant fawning, but tolerable. I hated her antics, but I never really hated her. Kakashi-Sensei was special with his bits of hidden wisdom and his strange facade of reckless carelessness. He was a good mentor. Then there was Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto.
He was the one who really changed me, who brought something to my world and gave me something to feel about. At first the feeling was hatred, an undying wish to conquer driving me to compete with him. Soon, however, it changed into something else. Friendship. It was warm, and for some reason, I found myself melting in its presence. I would look in the mirror and see anticipation. I began to want it. Appreciate it. Need it. He was my closest friend.
When he died, so did I. I've been living dead for a year now, trying to understand why it is that I can't get over him. He was just a friend. Granted, he was my first, and only real friend, but still, he was nothing more than that. So then why couldn't I get over him? I missed him more very day, and instead of dulling, the pain became sharper with every passing moment. Then, today, mere minutes ago, I had a revelation.
What was this miraculous epiphany which forced me into my current state, you ask? What could I possibly have realized that would make me want to bring a razor to my wrist and cut a slit from palm to elbow in a freezing tub of water? What did I suddenly comprehend that brought me across the threshold of life? Why the fuck did I commit suicide? Let me tell you.
I loved him.
A/N: Okay…that sucked, but whatever. Just a weird little thing. My excuse for the badness is that I thought of it during a sermon from a senile old man who was mumbling into the microphone and couldn't even remember what school he was at. Haha…hope you liked. Sucks for you if you didn't. Tootles!