Disclaimer: I own a whole lot of nothing! …Is that even possible? To have a lot of nothing? Well, it is now.
Author's Notes: I'm baaaaaack, and with another fun one-shot! Huzzah. This took a while – I started on two other ideas first, but the writing just wouldn't come. Then this popped in my head and I had it all written out in a day. Funny how things work out like that…
The point is this is a fun little piece I just had to post. I've got other ideas in the works, but I don't think anything else will be out for at least a month, cuz I've got exams coming up! Kill me now, before they do... I'll probably end up dead from a brain overload of useless facts and figures. Well, let's hope that doesn't happen, and let's also hope that this will sustain my loyal ishandahalfarianites for now. Enjoy!
Oh, one last thing – I wasn't quite sure about the rating. R seemed to go a bit overboard. There's nothing here that you haven't heard in sex-ed (or on the playground), so I think PG-13 is all good.
One Item Not on the Shopping List
Remy couldn't remember ever being so twitchy. Normally, he wouldn't have any problems with this – it was just buying condoms, after all. He'd done it plenty of times. He would stroll into the store, grab a box, and confidently strut out. There was nothing to be embarrassed about – really, it was just showing off the fact that he was in demand, that women flocked to him, that he was getting laid. If there was some scrawny, pimply boy at the counter then he would smirk at him, or if there was some girl working then he would grin seductively – just the usual routine.
But now… Now he was in the supermarket on the X-Men's weekly shopping trip, and he had to sneak away from the others to buy prophylactics. Again, it wasn't the actual purchase that was making him nervous, but rather the process of going about it.
Logan had been walking by the first time the Cajun approached the aisle, so Remy had whistled innocently and kept on moving. If the Wolverine saw him in that particular aisle, buying those particular products… Well, it would be safe to say that he wouldn't have anything left to put the condoms on. He shuddered at the thought.
He would have come back to buy them later, when he was alone, but Remy didn't think that was the best of ideas. No, definitely not, especially with the lustful looks Rogue had been directing towards him all day, and the way her hands had been slowly creeping up his thigh when they sat together in the back of the van… It was too bad that the drive from the mansion to the store had been so short, or else the ride might have gotten very interesting.
The thief shook his head, trying to purge it of such racy thoughts – they were only getting him more aroused. That was exactly why he needed some condoms and fast – there was no doubt in his mind that he would be using them when he and Rogue returned home. Not that he was presumptuous or anything…
So, he continued with his mission. He wandered around aimlessly until Logan had moved far enough away that Gambit felt safe with returning to the desired aisle. After that, he carefully scanned the surrounding area to make sure none of this other teammates were near. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to broadcast what activities he and Rogue were partaking in – the other girls would probably harass Rogue for some inside information, the boys would probably hoot and cheer and ask him for pointers, and he was almost certain that Kurt would shift into overprotective brother mode and port him to Antarctica.
Remy decided that he would be the soul of discretion – if not for Rogue's sake (who would most likely be embarrassed beyond belief to have the whole mansion learn of their, um, "private activities"), then for his own safety. When the coast was clear he had felt confident enough to finally enter the aisle, and now he was standing in front of shelves stocked full of condoms. However, that just led to another problem…
Which ones would he buy?
There were more brands and shapes and textures and sizes and colours and flavours than he could even count! He had never taken enough time to actually examine the selection before, instead choosing to snatch whatever box his hand made contact with first. Remy wanted to do that now and run out of there before he could be caught, but this was sex with Rogue! That thought made him grin like an idiot.
He couldn't just grab anything, because he wanted it to be good for them. Which it was, all the time – hell, it was amazing and he didn't think it was possible for it not to be, and that just caused Remy to beam uncontrollably again. He had to stop that…
He knew it would be great, it always was, but he still wanted to make a careful choice here. Unfortunately, he had no idea what that choice would be. He couldn't for the life of him remember what type they used – it wasn't like he took the time to read the brand name when they were in the throes of passion, since he had infinitely better things to be doing.
Lubricated ones? Sure, why not. Ribbed? Yeah, that was a good choice. The thin ones, for enhanced sensitivity? No, those were the ones he had used with Belle – needless to say, they hadn't enhanced anything. He wouldn't want to repeat those performances... Although to be fair, he couldn't blame the poor condoms – it was probably all Belle's doing. In fact, Remy contemplated getting the sensi-thin ones just to prove that Rogue really did outshine his former flame in every possible way.
His red and black eyes continued to scan the ledges. Should he take the ones that promoted enhanced pleasure? That showed potential, until he read that they contained climax control gel for preventing premature ejaculation and improving endurance. 'Definitely don't need any help in either o' those areas,' he scoffed to himself.
Well, those were out. Hmm, what about the maximum pleasure condoms? Ribbed and studded "to enhance her pleasure", that sounded promising.
Remy was about to reach out and take that package when Kitty suddenly phased through the shelf in front of him, making him jump back in fright.
"Petite (little one)! What de hell d'ya t'ink yo' doin'?" he blurted out, hoping she wouldn't turn around and notice what he had been looking at.
"I was just, like, wondering where you went," the young girl shrugged, his apparent discomfort making her stare at him oddly.
"Well, jus' pickin' up some stuff," Remy replied, trying to act nonchalant and get her out of there. "I'll meet y'at de front o' de store in a bit, 'kay?"
"Uh, sure," she agreed confusedly, turning to leave. Before she could, however, Kitty glanced at the items on the other side of the aisle. Her eyes widened and she squealed out, "Remy, are you buying Rogue tampons? That is so totally sweet of you!"
The Cajun automatically cringed at the thought. As much as he loved his chère (dear), he wasn't ready to be involved in the mysteries of the menstrual cycle. "Non, 'm not…"
Kitty didn't hear him however, and kept gushing. "I mean, what a guy!" she exclaimed. "I've never met a man that would do that, they're all so frightened of pads and tampons and stuff, like they'll bite or something! More men need to be like you, Remy – they have to realize that it's completely natural for women. It's not like we asked for our uterine lining to shed every month, you know? The whole ovulation process isn't exactly a walk in the park, what with the cramping and bloating and bleeding, and-"
"Woah, woah!" Remy yelled in horror. "Stop, I do not wan' t' hear all dat! 'M not buyin' Rogue tampons, okay?"
The girl stopped and frowned, disappointed. "Oh. Sorry. Well, then what are you buying?" Her eyes travelled further along until they stopped on the items beside him. "Ohhhh…"
He sighed, hoping she would leave him alone now, but with no such luck. The brunette just stood there, looking at him slyly and quietly snickering. "Can I help y'?" he finally asked impatiently.
"No, but it looks like you could use some," Kitty smirked. "Need a hand picking them out?"
Remy groaned in embarrassment. "Non, merci (no, thank you)."
"Come on, I can totally give you some advice," she offered.
That just made him look at her strangely. "How could y' possibly give me advice? Are you de one sleepin' wit' Rogue?" he asked, and then thought about what he had just said. He wasn't quite sure whether it would make him jealous or turn him on, but he decided to focus on the latter possibility and jokingly leered at the girl.
She glared in response. "You are such a perv! Of course I don't have any experience with Rogue, I'm talking about what I've used with Piotr!"
Remy winced. "Hey, hold on dere, I don' t'ink I wanna hear anyt'in' about dat!" he insisted.
Kitty didn't listen, instead walking closer to the shelves and perusing the merchandise. "Ribbed ones are always good," she suggested, tapping the package. "And Piotr and I use these, the extra large ones – you know, I don't think he's called Colossus just because of his height," she giggled, blushing slightly.
"Kitty!" he exclaimed, waving his hands. "Stop! I do not wan' t' talk about de size o' Piotr's penis!"
"Hey, I'm just, like, trying to help," she complained, grimacing.
"Well, y're not! How 'bout y' just leave befo' anybody else sees me, okay? I don' really want t' advertise de fact dat 'm buyin' dese!"
"Buying what?" a tiny voice piped up from behind him, and both Kitty and Remy turned to find Jamie standing there.
They gave each other wary looks. The young boy didn't notice, instead staring at the box Kitty was holding in her hand. "What are you buying?" he asked again, curious.
"Condoms?" he read off the package. "What do those do?"
Both of the older mutants paled, but Remy was the first to recover. "Well," he began slowly, choosing his words carefully. "Dey're somet'in' dat grown-ups use. Dey make y' int' a man, an' dey prove dat yo' responsible, an' dey lead t' very fun times!"
"Really?" Jamie cried, eyes widening in excitement.
"Really," Remy smiled mischievously, happy that the boy took his bait. "An' Kitty's goin' t' explain it all t'ya, cause I have t' go," he then told him, grinning as he took in the look of shock and embarrassment on the girl's face. Before she could protest, he grabbed the box of maximum pleasure condoms and sped off down the aisle. "Have fun, petite!"
She would probably kill him for that later, but it would be worth not having to have a humiliating conversation with Multiple – as long as he got to have some time with Rogue before his untimely demise. He was getting closer and closer to that goal, with his mission almost complete – he had the condoms, now all he had to do was pay for them without anybody seeing him.
Arriving at the front of the store, Remy entered the express checkout lane – luckily, there was nobody else in line. Good, he could get this done quickly and quietly, and nobody would be the wiser.
The boy working the cash register looked at the condoms and smirked. Remy just glared, wishing he would hurry up. The boy took the hint and scanned the box, only to have the machine make a weird beep. With a confused look on his face, the worker tried again, but the same noise followed.
"Huh, that's not supposed to happen…" he muttered, and turned to the microphone beside him. To Remy's sheer, utter, and absolute terror, the intercom came to life and blared all over the store, "Could I have a price check on Durex PleasureMax condoms? I repeat, could I have a price check on Durex PleasureMax condoms?"
Remy's first instinct was to duck and cover, hoping nobody had seen him at the checkout. After a few seconds, when nobody had run over and pummelled him, he chanced a look around. He didn't see any of the X-Men, just regular shoppers milling about. He released the breath he had been holding, and stood up.
The employee gave him a strange look and was about to turn back to the microphone when the Cajun quickly stopped him. "Wait! Here, just take dis," he blurted out, dropping a twenty dollar bill on the counter.
"But this is too much…"
"Keep de change!" Remy cried, grabbing a plastic bag, shoving the box inside, and running off.
As he neared the sliding doors, he finally slowed down and sighed in relief. Okay, everything was fine, it was over… And then he bumped into Kurt and Rogue.
"Chère!" he gasped, quickly weaving an arm around her waist to steady her. "Sorry, didn' see y' dere."
She chuckled, placing a hand on his bicep, and his mood seemed to instantly lighten just from being in such close proximity to her. That is, until she said, "That's okay, sugah. Hey, what's in th' bag?"
Before he could reply, Rogue reached for it and peeked inside. She blushed instantly, a fact that did not go unnoticed by her brother.
"What is it?" he asked suspiciously, taking a step closer to the thief.
Rogue looked up at Remy with worried eyes, thinking the exact same thing he was thinking – Kurt couldn't be allowed to see the contents of that bag!
"It's not'in', homme (man)," the Cajun told him smoothly, acting like nothing was wrong at all, but gripping the bag all the tighter.
The German mutant's eyes narrowed. "It's not nothing, or else Rogue would not have blushed."
"Kurt, it's fine," Rogue interjected, knowing just what to say to send him running. "Remy just bought me some tampons, okay?"
"Oh," Kurt froze, now eyeing the bag with a newfound fear. That turned into a smirk when he looked at Remy and teased, "You bought her tampons? Dude, you are so whipped!"
Laughing, the boy walked off, no doubt to tell the other guys just how much Rogue had her boyfriend wrapped around her finger. Remy sighed, dropping his head onto her shoulder.
She wrapped her arms around him, patting his back. "Aww, sugah, it's okay."
"Non, it's not," he sulked. "I went t'rough hell, chère!"
"Those were yer condoms gettin' a price check on th' intercom, huh?"
"Oui (yes)," he groaned. "Plus I had t' avoid Logan, run away from explainin' de birds an' de bees t' Jamie, and put up wit' Kitty talkin' about periods an' how big Piotr was!"
"Poor baby," Rogue cooed, running her hands through Remy's hair and giving him a peck on his temple – that made him feel much better, but then she suddenly began to laugh.
Lifting his head to pout at her, he indignantly asked, "What are y' laughin' at? It ain't funny!"
"Ah'm sorry, sugah," she drawled, biting her lip to stop herself from grinning too much. "This was really thoughtful o' yah, but Ah just got put on th' Pill a few days ago, so we really don't need th' condoms."
Gambit blinked. "What?"
"Well, Ah know Ah hadn't mentioned it yet, but Ah noticed that we were out, so Ah thought goin' on th' Pill would be mo' convenient than havin' to rush out an' buy more all th' time," Rogue explained, and then smirked. "Yah know we go through 'em pretty fast…"
He also smirked at the truth of that statement, but then it all sunk in and he scowled. "Y' mean I went t'rough all dat f'r no reason?"
"Oh, don't think of it that way…"
"How else do I t'ink about it den?" Remy asked petulantly.
His eyes then widened as Rogue stepped closer to him, pulling her body right up to his and cupping his face in her soft hands. "Well, Ah'm thinkin' of how very sweet an' considerate yah were to buy th' 'her pleasure' condoms…" she breathed seductively against his lips.
"Oh really?" he questioned huskily, his voice slightly cracking as he tried to control his reaction to having Rogue pressed against him like that. He reminded himself that they were in a grocery store, but he didn't really care about that fact as much as he probably should.
"Really," confirmed Rogue before her lips finally made contact with his in a fiery kiss that drove all of Remy's previous grievances out of his mind.
Their embrace was rapidly becoming more and more passionate when Rogue managed to pull herself away slightly. "Ah think fo' bein' so sweet an' all, yah'll be getting' a nice reward," she whispered suggestively, trailing a finger down his chest. She then winked and sashayed away, calling out behind her, "So why don't we hurry up an' get home, sugah?"
There he went, grinning like an idiot again as he scurried after her, all his earlier troubles forgotten. Well, for now at least – the vindictive part of his brain vaguely began to formulate a plan to steal Piotr's condoms and hide them in Kurt's room, but that could wait. He had much more important activities to focus on right now…
- the end -
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- ish -