I'm back! And this time with brainless dribble! (Yes, I do do that) This is something of a weak parody on A Christmas Story, but only slightly in its most fundamental level. It doesn't follow the actual movie in any way. Just the punch line, you could say... I'll warn you right now, this is entirely a gag story: Expect OOCness, lame jokes, annoying characters, and probably a healthy amount of character bashing.

Also, of course, the disclaimer: I donnot own FFVII or A Christmas Story, or, as I do reference, The Grinch. (what a mix! lol)

Finally, a Language warning. This /is/ PG13 but w/ strong language (Ie, Cid, Barret, etc) so, if you don't like profanity, or are too young to understand what the heck the words mean in the first place, turn back now. You've been warned, have a nice day )



X-Mas Special

Part ONE

Vincent Valentine sighed heavily as he followed the rest of AVALANCHE through the city of Kalm. The town was a quaint one by nature, and had gone to further measures to increase to its picture perfect-ness this holiday season by decorating the entire town gutter to rooftop with holiday cheer. It was a blaring mix of red, white, green and gold, /everywhere/.

Vincent tired not to think too hard on the bobbing Santa Hat perched on top of Cloud's head as the spiky-blond led the group through town. All around, exterior speakers on each lamp post blared sappy holiday music going on and on about the "most wonderful time of the year" and "winter wonderlands" and the such. Tifa was up with Cloud, skipping along side him, her voluptuous bust bouncing in time with music. Vincent winced as they rounded a corner, where a man dressed as Santa stood with a donations bucket and a very loud bell, which he rung directly in Vincent's ear, bellowing,

"Ho-ho ho HO!" Then, softer, "Hey, bub, where the hell is yer holiday sprit, huh?!"

Vincent tried to ignore that too.

It wasn't that Vincent was against Christmas. Far from it. But this… he felt like he was in Who-Ville(). It was a little disgusting.

"it's the mooooost, wonderful time, of the YEAAAAAARR!" Cloud bellowed suddenly, apparently deciding to sing along, out of tune, with the ending of the song blaring across the sidewalks. Vincent groaned, and tried to act like he wasn't a part of Cloud's group.

Beside him, Barret echoed Vincent's whimper, and furthered his opinion to a gagging gesture as he pointed at Cloud.

"Aaagh!" Yuffie cried, falling back with the two gunmen. "He's /tone deaf/!"

Tifa continued to bounce alongside Cloud, oblivious.

"Are all humans like this?" Nanaki asked over his shoulder.

"Naah! Just the numbskulls like Spike, there-" Cid said, pointing ahead at a still singing Cloud with his cigarette.

"Ha! Yer just sayin' that cause ya can't sing yerself!" Cait Sith cried, nudging Cid as he and his Mog bounded by the walking, swearing smokestack.

Cid wrinkled his face up, glaring with icy eyes.

"I kin too fucking sing!" He objected.

"Then sing fer us!" Cait Sith insisted.

"Hell, no! I dun wanna hear /nobody/ sing, damnit!" Barret objected. Yuffie nodded her agreement, making a face.

"Dun worry, I ain't gunna fuckin' sing." Cid growled.

"Aaw! Just on carol!" Cait Sith insisted. "O'Christmas Tree?" He suggested.

"No." Cid growled, walking faster.

"Joy to the World?"


"The Twelve Days of Christmas?"


"The First Noel?"

By now, Vincent had managed to tune the pair out, eyes drifting to the windows of the shops they passed, more out of desperation than interest.

"Deck the Halls?"


"Jingle Bells?"

"Fuck no!"

"Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer?"

"Would you shut up?!"

Vincent rolled his eyes, looking away again.

And paused, eyes lighting up, jaw dropping into a half-dazed smile.

There, in the window of the weapon's shop they'd been passing was the most extraordinary /gun/ Vincent had ever seen.

Crafted from dark hardwood, gilded in bras and steel, and nearly as long as Cloud was tall, in its full, double barrel glory, the rifle gleamed in the spotlights, sitting elegantly on red satin, glittering and freshly polished. Vincent's breath caught, and he took a step towards the window, eyes fixed on the rifle.

"God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen?"


"We Wish You A Merry Christmas?"


The noise faded from Vincent's mind as he got close enough to read the gold curving name of the gun, worked into the butt of the weapon.

Death Penalty. Vincent smiled, eyes wide and misting over.

"Its beautiful…." He breathed. Glancing back at the rest of AVALANCHE, now a few doors down and oblivious to his hanging back, Vincent slipped inside the shop.

"Excuse me?" Vincent said, being brave and raising his voice past its usual half-whisper. The store owner looked up, quirking an eyebrow. "How much for the rifle in the front window?" He asked, eyes bright with excitement. The man chuckled a little, smirking.

"Fifteen hundred gil." He said smugly. "No discounts." He added, sitting back.

Vincent's excitement fled him, along with what little complexion he had. Vincent /knew/ he only had thirteen hundred…and nothing left to pawn off for the other two. It was pathetic, really, that he was /that/ close to… Wait. Vincent held up a hand.

"I'll be back." He said, dashing out of the store.

"Silent Night?"


"Joy To the World?"


"From Heaven Above?" Yuffie suggested suddenly. Cid turned on his heel to glare at the teen.

"/NO/!" He bellowed, right in her face. Yuffie made a face.

"Eew. Stinky cigarette breath." She said, pinching her nose. Vincent skidded up beside the others, having easily caught up to them. Cid looked up at him, and smiled crookedly.

"Hiya, Vin." He said, glad for a distraction from the harassment he'd been receiving.

"Highwind.." Vincent said nodding back to Cid. Then he paused, looking down. "Um…Can I…can…"

"What?" Barret said, giving the smaller man a weird look.

"Can I borrow two hundred gil from someone?" Vincent asked, biting his lip in anticipation.

"Well, what fer?!" Cait Sith asked. Vincent bit his lip again.

"Umm…there's a gunIsawthat'sreallyniceandIneedtwohundredmoregiltoaffordit."

"What?!" Cid yelped. "You already own fifteen fucking guns, Vin! Ya don't need /another/ one!"

"But its /beautiful!/" Vincent cried. "Just come and /look/ at it!" Cid snorted, but then jumped as Vincent grabbed his arm with one hand, and Cait Sith with the other, and dragged them, Barret and Yuffie following, back to the storefront where the Death Penalty lie, waiting. He deposited the pilot and the stuffed cat in front of the window and pointed, turning his best attempt at big, watering puppy-eyes at the group.

Yuffie raised an eyebrow, looking first at Vincent, then back at the gun, wondering, Is it compensation or advertising?but decided to keep it mostly to herself.

"Its bigger than I am!" She said instead. Vincent smiled dreamily.


Cid sniffed, lighting another smoke.

"Eh, you'll just shoot yer fuckin' eye out with that thing, Vin! Just 'cause its all big 'n sparkly, dun mean its any damned good!"

"Yeah, man, the kick on that fucker'd prolly blow yer damned arm off anyway!" Barret added, then turned and walked back after Cloud, Tifa and Nanaki. Cait Sith followed. Cid turned, patted Vincent's shoulder.

"C'mon, buddy. It ain't /that/ special."

Vincent let himself be dragged away, still gazing forlornly back at the gleaming gun in the window.


AN: I LIVE!!! grins

()Who-Ville from How the Grinch Stole Christmas -- the entire town was extremely overzealous with their holiday spirit, for any of you who may not know. See the movie w/ Jim Carey and you'll catch my drift.

Yeah. This isn't meant to be taken seriously, folks. Its just a cute little gag idea I had. I dunno /exactly/ where this is going but.. shrugs its just fun.

So…Apparently, saying "Fuck" in a PG13 rated movie is alright now…in America, at least. Yeah… this was a while ago, but I saw Alien Vs. Predator, and here it is, not a whole lot of gore, (or plot for that matter) but all this cursing, then this chick comes up with Fuck this, and Fucker that! I'm like OO; (Covers my "littler sister's" ears) so yeah, shocked me to hell. (Kinda nice, though) lol.