A/N: Thanks for the great feedback so far. I really appreciate it as this is my first WAT fic. To answer a couple of questions: No, there isn't any more to this fic, but I am working on another one that I hope to post the first chapter of soon.
Oh yeah...I don't own any part of Without A Trace...
I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. For so long I've told myself that this thing with Martin was just a fling...a way to get over Jack, or maybe, in a weird way, to get back at Jack. Now, Jack is getting divorced, and I'm not sure what to do or how to feel. From the subtle comments and looks that he's been sending my way, I can tell that Jack wouldn't mind starting things up again. The question is: do I?
A sixty-four thousand dollar question to be sure. Ask me that six months ago and the answer would have been swift and unequivocal: yes. Yes I would definitely have wanted to start up again. I'd pined for that man for a year even though he'd treated me like shit. Why wouldn't I have wanted to start an actual relationship with him...a relationship where he was actually there when I woke up in the morning instead of running out the door to his other family. Now, things just aren't so clear.
If this thing with Martin is just a fling, then why is it that I feel so bad? Why does it feel like I'm betraying him just by having these thoughts about Jack and the future. If he really means nothing to me, then why should I care? If he means nothing to me, why aren't I at Jack's now discussing all this stuff with him?
I know the reason. If I'm honest with myself, I've known the reason all along. There are some feelings there. There have been for a while. It is completely obvious that Martin has strong feelings for me. Hell, he may even love me. That would be a first for me...I just don't know. I like Martin. I don't know how or why it has happened, but I do. He's been there for me in ways that no one has in a long time. Of course, that's how I can tell that his feelings are strong. Why else would someone stay around, listening to me ramble and rant and rave? I'm a complete mess, and Martin takes it all in stride, and he does it all with this quiet grace that continues to amaze me.
I didn't even realize that I was holding a phone until I heard the faint sound of ringing. I pulled it away from my ear, staring dumbly at it until I registered the number that I had called. Before I could end the call, I heard Jack's voice faintly saying hello. I wanted to just hang up, but I knew he'd seen my number on the caller ID...and he would just call back. Instead, I put the phone back up to my ear. "Hey Jack"
"Sam? I was wondering if you were ever going to say anything. What's up?"
"Nothing. Look...sorry for that little pause. Your voice threw me there for a second. I meant to call someone else."
"Someone like Martin?"
I paused. "What? Why would you say that? Why would I be calling Martin at one in the morning?"
"Oh, I don't know; setting up another date?"
The bitterness in his voice surprised me. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Oh come on, Sam. Don't treat me like I'm stupid. It's painfully obvious that the two of you have something going on."
"So what if we do? What do you care?"
"Well, first of all, there are rules against things like this..."
"Oh, please Jack, don't give me that bullshit," I countered. "You of all people shouldn't be pulling out the rules card on me."
Jack was quiet for a moment. "Yeah. You're right. Sorry." He sighed. "Look...I knew you'd move on. I told you that you should. I just thought that you'd..."
"Yeah, that too. I just thought that you'd move more, well, out of the office."
I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose. "Look, Jack, this thing with me and Martin is complicated. It's..."
"I don't know. Probably not." I sighed again. "I'm not sure what to think."
"Are you sleeping with him?"
Indignance crept into my voice. "Is that any of your business."
"Not really, no."
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
"Well, you pretty much just did." There was a sadness in his voice when he continued. "So...did this start..."
"When you left. When we thought you were going to Chicago."
"So he was your rebound guy?"
"Maybe a little bit. I'm not sure. We'd been going out for drinks on and off for a little while. And he's sweet, that's for sure. It's just that, since we've gotten together, I don't really know how serious Martin is about this thing."
Jack laughed. "Oh, don't give me that."
"Give you what?"
"You know as well as I do that Martin is completely serious about you. Hell, even I can tell that. What with those little puppy dog looks he shoots across the table at you."
"You notice those, huh?"
"Yes. Yes I do. I also notice that he's not the only one shooting looks."
"How very observant of you."
"Thank you. Besides, if there was any doubt about Martin's feelings for you, he pretty much answered them when he slammed that drug dealer around when you went missing...and when he practically forced his way into the ambulance when you had to go to the hospital."
"So, that stuff makes it obvious, huh?"
"Sam. The kid's probably in love with you."
I was quiet for a long moment. "Still...I'm not sure how I feel."
"Oh, come on Sam. You at least like the guy. If you didn't, then this conversation wouldn't still be going on."
Martin picked up his phone on the second ring. "Hey there. How's my girl?"
I laughed. "Your girl?"
Martin laughed. "What can I say? I was trying something new...obviously something I shouldn't try again."
"No. I like the sound of that. 'Your girl'."
"Look Martin...I'm sorry to call you this late at night."
"Well...I thought that we should talk."
All the mirth drained out of Martin's voice. "Oh. Okay." I could hear him rustling around as he sat up in bed. "I've actually been dreading this call."
"Dreading what call?"
"Well, since Jack announced that he was getting a divorce, I've been dreading the night that you call to break up with me."
"But I'm not..."
"Look, you don't have to sugarcoat it. I get it. I'm a big boy. There are obviously still feelings there. Like you said, they never completely go away. I understand." He sighed. "Anyhow, I'm not going to stand in your way. Obviously you need to work some stuff out. I'm gonna be the bigger man and bow out gracefully...take a step back. I think we have something really good here, and I think that you'll want to come back to it. I've waited this long for you; I can wait a little longer. And, if you never come back...well, I guess that it wasn't meant to be anyway. Either way, I'll be here for you. As a friend, or more...whatever you need."
I was glad that Martin wasn't there to see the tears glistening in my eyes. I hated showing weakness to anyone, least of all him. "Oh Martin." I was silent for a moment, composing myself. "That-that's not why I was calling at all."
"Okay." I could hear the relief in his voice as he said it again. "Okay."
"I just called...well, really don't know why I called. Maybe I just wanted to talk. Maybe I just needed to hear your voice."
"Well. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions."
"It's okay. I can see why you're feeling that way." I paused. "All that stuff you said though. Thank you. It really means a lot to know you feel so strongly about me."
"I meant it all. Every word."
I smiled. "I know. Believe me, I know. I just don't know how you're so patient with me. I'm such a mess."
"You're not a mess; you've just been through a lot in your life."
"You're sweet, but I am a mess and you know it."
"Yeah...well, you're my mess then."
I smiled. "You're mess? Yeah, I guess I am."
"Do you want me to come over?"
I laughed. "This wasn't supposed to turn into a booty call."
Martin laughed. "Yeah. I know. That's actually not what I meant either. You sound like you could use someone to talk to. Well, talk to face to face."
"I could use you."
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes then."
"You don't have to. This is fine."
"And miss the chance to see you're beautiful face? Not a chance." There was a loud rustling sound as he climbed out of bed. "Let me get dressed, and I'll see you in a little while."
I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. "Okay. Sounds good." I sat there for a silent moment before continuing. "And you know, Martin, if you're lucky this just might turn into a booty call after all."