Summary: Sometimes letting your heart go can be the hardest thing in the world.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Same disclaimer as chapter 1, unless I suddenly inherited the Rugrats, then in which case, why am I writing for free?
A/N: Two chapters in two days? I'm impressed with myself. This chapter is in Kimi's POV and if I go on with chapter three, I will probably do Lil's POV and alternate back and forth between the POV. Okay, to make this perfectly clear, this story is SLASH, meaning two women who are in love with each other. If you have a problem with that, please just go away and don't tell me I'm a pervert or that I'm immoral. I don't have the time for childish games.
The opening line is from The Crow II: City of Angels So please, read and review.
Dedication: To my best friend, for you are the only one who truly knows what this story means. I love you."Believe in the power of another"—The Crow II: City Of Angels
Groaning as the alarm clock blared in my ear, I reached over, picked it up and threw it against the wall, relishing the sound of the clock breaking against the wall. Burrowing back under the covers, I pray for five more minutes of sleep. However, the phone begins to ring and I groan, wishing that mornings didn't come so goddamn early.
"Hello?" I say groggily, not bothering to try and hide my annoyance at being woken up at this ungodly hour. "Who's dead and if no one's dead, why are you calling me?"
"Nice to see your still the same morning person you've always been, Kimi." I hear him chuckle in my ear.
"Hey Tommy. How are things up at UCLA? Breaking all the hearts still?"
"Nah. I've given up on love for awhile."
"You? Mr. Tommy "I'm dating three girls at once" Pickles? Come on now, what aren't you telling me?
"Nothing except I'm burned out on love right at the moment. How about you? Breaking any hearts yourself?"
Letting my mind drift back to last night, I thought about what happened at the party and Richard and Lil coming in the room and basically saving my life. I wish that I could pretend that last night never happened and that Richard didn't assault me.
"Kimi? Are you still there?"
"Yeah," I answer quietly, "I'm still here."
"You got quiet on me for a moment. What's up? You never get that quiet and you haven't yelled at me for waking you up at 10am your time."
"Just thinking about last night."
"Did Lil finally confess her feelings for you?"
"How does everyone know about this but me?"
"Simple. You can never see what's in front of you and the rest of us have known for the last two years that she was in love with you."
Sighing, I stare at the pictures that cover my walls and think back to all the years we've known each other. Through all the trials and tribulations of growing up, we never came apart like so many other groups did in high school. Maybe because deep down we all knew we didn't have anyone but each other and that no one understood us like the others did. We weren't supposed to fall in love with anyone in the group though. That went against group dynamics and the thought that falling in love with each other was akin to falling in love with your brother or sister. Lil loving me went against the group dynamics.
"Kimi?" Tommy's voice cut into my thoughts. "You went quiet on me again."
"I don't know what to do Tommy. I mean, sure I love Lil, but not the way she loves me."
"Are you sure about that, Kimi? I mean, you two were always alone together and you know, it was naturally assumed that you two were together."
"As friends, you perv! As nothing more than friends."
"Who are you trying to convince that you don't have feelings for her? Me and the rest of the group? Or yourself?"
Changing the subject, we talked about our classes, our grades and anything else we could think of talking about. After about a half hour, Tommy yawned. "I guess I better get back to sleep. I just thought I would call you and see how you were doing."
"Thanks," I said dryly, "I'm glad to know that something's never change. When you can't sleep, call me and wake me up."
"Yeah, that's one of the reasons I love you, Kimi. You're the one I call when I suffer from insomnia."
"Goodbye, you freak. I'll talk to you later."
Pausing for a moment, he said softly, "Just remember what I asked you earlier. Who are you trying to convince that you don't feel this way? Us or yourself?" With that, he said goodbye and quickly hung up the phone.
Looking at the clock and realizing that it was Saturday and I didn't have to be anywhere for awhile, I burrowed back under the covers, with every intention of going back to sleep. However, every time I closed my eyes, Tommy's words kept repeating themselves over and over in my head.
Throwing off the covers and changing into my workout clothes, I decided to head over to the gym. Not only for the workout, but also to try to chase Tommy's words out of my head.
After my long workout, I stepped outside the gym and noticed that it was raining. Wrapping my leather jacket tighter around me, I hurried through the rain, all the while wondering if the old saying was true: Do you get wetter if you run or walk through the rain? Amazing the thoughts that run through your head when your getting drenched and home is another mile down the road.
Shivering as a crack of lighting lit up the mid-afternoon sky, I wondered what Lil was doing. I know that she said she would call me today, but after how I treated her last night, I'm wondering if she's going to avoid me now. Nah, I think, Lil wouldn't avoid me over something like that, would she? She wouldn't throw away 19 years of friendship over feelings, would she? Shaking the thoughts from my head, I hurry towards the apartment, ready to get out of this freezing rain and into some dry clothes.
Working my way through the throng of people crowded in the lobby of the dormitory, I went in search of the everlasting chocolate chip cookie from the vending machine. Noticing a line of people standing there, I groaned inwardly, for I desperately needed chocolate right at this particular time. Noticing a hole in the middle of the crowd, I weave my way through until I get directly in front of the machine.
Putting my money in the machine, I sigh in relief when the chocolate cookies drop into the slot. Pulling them out, I open the package greedily and take a bite. MMMMMMM…. I think to myself, nothing like chocolate to help me study for these midterms on Monday. Walking back towards the dorm, I bump into someone and fall to the ground.
"Oh, I'm sorry…" my voice trails off as I look up into the eyes of my best friend.
Smiling slightly, she puts her hand out and helps me up. "Its okay Kimi, I wasn't looking where I was going." Pulling me to my feet, I look up at her and smile slightly. "You okay?"
Nodding, she takes her hand away and says quietly, "I will be. It's just going to take me some time to get over everything." Looking at me, she smiles slightly. "Do you want to go somewhere quieter and talk?"
"How about my dorm room?"
"Fine by me." Starting towards my room, I notice the dark circles under her eyes and I notice that she looks at the ground as she walks, not meeting my gaze once as I chatter on about insignificant things. Opening the door, I step inside and watch as Lil gently closes the door behind her. Once the door is closed, the silence is deafening. Looking at each other, I flashback to the times we were able to be at ease in each other's presence.
"Kimi, I'm never going to get algebra. How the hell do they expect us to use this in real life?"
The tortures of math never seem to phase me. What is the problem that you seem to be having?"
The fact that algebra exists? What is the point of this?"
"To teach you about math and the wonders of it."
"Well, whoever created this was sadistic."
"Hey Lil, I'd like to you to meet my new boyfriend, Samuel."
"Hey Kimi, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend, Jonathan."
"What's wrong, Lil?" I asked, looking at the clock.
"Jonathan cheated on me with some cheerleader. I found them lip-locked in the parking lot when I was coming out of school."
"Want me to kill him?" I asked, thinking of ways I could torture the poor boy.
Sniffling, she said quietly, "No. I just want to go to bed and pull the covers up over my head and forget the whole world exisits for awhile."
"Why give him the satisfaction of that? Nurse your broken heart for awhile then get back out there into life. Show him that you don't need him."
"Kimi, what's wrong?" I stood, shivering on her doorstep at 3am.
"Samuel broke up with me. He he was my whole world."
"What excuse did he give you?"
"That he needed to 'find himself.' After three years, you think he would've found himself. He now tells me he thinks that he's gay and that he wants to find out for sure."
Ushering me inside, out of the rain, she led me to the couch and sat me down, stroking my hair. "Well, now we know that all those Cher cd's weren't for naught."
Burying my head into her shoulder, I say quietly, sobbing, "How do I go on though? We were together 2 ½ years."
Stroking my hair, she tips my chin up and says quietly, "Nurse your broken heart for awhile and then move on with your life."
"I'm so lucky to have you for my best friend."
Stroking my hair still, she says softly, "So am I."
End of flashback.
The sudden realization hit me that no matter what had happened, Lil had always been there for me. As the only two girls in the group, we had kinda banded together against the boys and it was helpful to have another girl to do girly things with. Now, with sudden insight (okay, maybe not so sudden, after all, we had known each other nineteen years), I realized that I loved her in the same way she loved me. Only thing is, do we take this step and maybe find something that could last a life time, or do I keep my mouth shut and let us go on pretending that there is nothing between us?
"Kimi?" Lil says hesitantly, looking down at her hands "Was there a reason that you invited me up here?"
"Uh, um, yeah. I was going to tell you that I was sorry how I acted last night."
Smiling slightly, she looks up at me for the first time since entering the room. "Its okay, I understand. Its just my habit to always fall for the unobtainable ones, the ones who don't feel the same way."
I look at her, dumbfounded. "Me? Unobtainable? What are you talking about?"
Sighing, she looks at me full in the face. "Look, I know that you don't feel the same way I do. I know my feelings will never change. But, honestly, I've loved you for so long, that I don't know how to stop loving you. I've been in love with you since we were 16 years old. 16, Kimi. That's five years of my life now. "
"Then why didn't you say something before this?"
"Scared. I'd rather have you as my best friend and suffer in silence than tell you and risk losing you. You've been in my life for so long, if you left my life, I wouldn't know what to do."
Nodding as the realization hits me, I realize that something has to be done. Tipping her chin up, I lean in and kiss her softly, as her hands drop to her sides soundlessly and she just sits there, stunned.
Pulling back, I look at her and the realization of what I have done hits me full force. Turning away from her, I start to move away but she grabs my arm and stops me. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." Pulling my arm away from hers, I turn with tears threatening to spill out of my eyes, fleeing from her and away from the emotions that threaten to overwhelm me. As much as I want to believe in this love, I am running scared for the fact that I don't want to lose my best friend over what might be just a passing phase for me.
Running from my feelings and from the fear I have, the sudden implications of what I have done have finally hit me full force: I just kissed my best friend and there's nothing I can do to change the fact that I just kissed her.