Full Summary: SLASH. HP/SS (In the end). A Post-OotP fic. Harry suffers because of his abusive boyfriend, but knows that it is his fault, partly. If he had been more determined to be with someone he does love, he would not have to deal with the consequences of being handled roughly. Remus, his friend, is alarmed to find him unhealthy, and recruits Severus Snape and Madam Pomfrey for his treatment. Snape and Lupin are shocked at the truth, but after some time, Harry gets the feeling that things happen for their own reasons. When Severus Snape starts to visit him occasionally, Harry wished he could confess his feelings to the wizard, but does not have the courage to do so. In the end, it is Severus, who makes the first move.
Disclaimers: Harry Potter and its characters aren't mine. Only the plot and the time I used to type this.
WARNINGS: SLASH (homosexual pairings), OOC, Violence (Sex-related and exchanging hexes), Implied incest (DM/LM), Language, Angst, Fluff, Lime. Hence, the fic has to be rated 'R'.
So if things - for example incest and so on - squicks you, please move on to another fic. Thank you.
Author's Notes: I started writing this on paper on the 21st of November, after getting irritated by something so trivial, that I don't remember why I was irritated. This fic is, unfortunately, un-beta'd, so I hope you won't have a migraine after reading it. Maybe you'll just have a mild one … hopefully. My birthday is on Saturday -- the fourth -- so that is why I decided to give you guys a treat! 'No Longer Loving In Silence' has a total of seven chapters by the way (I'm trying to transfer the writing to the computer as fast as I can, and check it for errors). I hope that I can give you guys every chapter before the first week of December ends.
Firesword: sighs I am having some problems converting my word.doc into .html. The punctuation signs always go awry... I can no longer use my long dash, so I have replaced them with (--). I had thought I had taken care of the problems but again this morning, when I reread the fics I recently updated, '...' and '...' were replaced by '?'. This chapter is edited on 03 Dec 2004.
CHAPTER ONE: SUFFERINGS
Monday, 5th July 1999.
There was a wizard who stood alone inside a bathroom, and he watched his reflection in the mirror. His lips were swollen, bruised and cut, his right eye was puffy and purpling, and his chest looked even worse. He had received those injuries last night, and he flinched slightly as he recalled the encounter. He knew that he would not be recognized if he were to walk across his friends' lawn, except if they looked carefully at his hair, which was still thick and unruly.
The sound of a door slamming jerked him out of his musings. He was back. Harry had not realized that his knuckles were white from clutching the edge of the sink. He took a deep breath and pushed himself to walk out of the bathroom.
Immediately, his eyes settled on his gleaming brown trunk. He summoned it toward him with a hand gesture, and his trunk followed him faithfully as he walked in the direction of the rectangular oak desk. He lifted Hedwig's cage, and he sighed. He really missed his snowy owl. Hedwig had not been with him for several months; she had flown away when it became clear that Harry's boyfriend was abusing him. In addition, his owl had distrusted the silver-eyed wizard even before Harry graduated from Hogwarts.
Well ... seems like she was right after all, Harry thought sadly.
The door to the bedroom swung open, and Draco Malfoy stepped in. The latter looked surprised when he saw Harry with his possessions.
"Where are you going, Harry?" Draco asked. He stalked forward and it took all of Harry's determination to remain where he was. The blonde-haired Slytherin reached out for his neck, to pull him for a kiss, but Harry used magic to push him away. There was no doubt that Draco would be Harry's first ex-boyfriend, soon.
"How dare you!" Draco hissed angrily, and pointed his wand at Harry.
"Don't, Draco," Harry said warningly. "I'm leaving. I'm tired of holding back. I'm tired of fooling myself."
"I won't let you move a single inch," Draco threatened. "Put down your trunk, Harry."
"Put it down!"
"I'm not going to waste any more of my time with someone who doesn't even care about me!" he shouted, and the glass door of Draco's displays cabinet cracked. Tears blurred his vision and he blinked his eyes rapidly. "Fuck it." His emerald eyes darkened with fury. "I thought I knew you -- I thought I'd be happy with you. Merlin! Why did things change, you bastard? Had you merely acted while we were still seven-years?"
"You wanted it, Harry!"
"Want myself to get beaten up, hexed and cursed every single time you feel like fucking me?" Harry threw his head back and laughed bitterly. "I guess I'm insane then, for wanting to be loved like this." Then he moved quickly, before Draco could use his charisma to make him stay.
"Harry, no! Please!" Draco grabbed at his elbow and Harry was forced to turn around. "Stay! I promise I'll change!"
Harry felt hurt; he felt as though a needle had pierced his heart and he bled in silence.
"And then you'll change again," Harry said softly. "I thought I could love you, Draco. I thought all this," he indicated at his own face, "was normal, when you're angry. I'm sorry, Draco, but I used Legilimency on you last night. This is not normal." Draco looked stunned, and Harry took the opportunity to leave the house and Apparated to Number Twelve.
Harry spent several days trying to pull himself together, but sometimes, the need to cry had been severely strong. When those moments of despair came upon him, he would often lose consciousness of his surroundings. One night, he was in the library and was looking at the photos of his friends: Sirius, Remus, Moody, Dumbledore, the Weasleys, and Hermione. It was the memory of Sirius' voice that made him lose control over his emotions.
"It's not that hard to ride a motorcycle. Of course, I had the help of a half-blood wizard."
Harry had not felt this lonely for a long time, and wished he had gone to visit the Weasleys. However, he could not, especially when he still looked battered. Not even the presence of Hedwig -- she had appeared mysteriously the night he had returned to the house he had inherited -- could cheer him up. He huddled in one corner of the library, and cried softly. For some reason, his ability to sense others was dulled when he was distraught. He did not know that someone had knelt in front of him until a bolt of pain traveled from his shoulder to the rest of his arm.
"Bloody hell, Harry! What happened to you? And where have you been all these months?" Remus Lupin demanded, and shook Harry slightly. "Merlin! Get up!"
Harry, shocked upon hearing the anger in his friend's voice, could not move. "Go away, Remus," he heard himself say. He did not expect the slap from Remus, who seldom raised his voice. The force of the blow made him stagger backward. He remembered feeling a surge of hatred for the werewolf burst forth from his heart before he muttered the spell under his breath.
His awareness pushed into Remus' mind, but ignored the older man's hazy memories. Then Harry recoiled -- not because he was disgusted, but because he was ashamed.
"Remus ... I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he whispered repeatedly.
His anger with the young wizard vanished when Harry huddled in the corner once more. The despair that came from Harry felt almost tangible to Remus that he immediately gathered the sorrowful wizard in his arms.
"Harry ... shhh ... it's all right," Remus whispered soothingly. Damn ... he's a wreck. I thought the slap would bring him to his senses. Gods ... Remus, you're an idiot. For once, your approach to solve something has backfired on you.
Harry's fingers tightened around the front of his shirt and cried harder. Remus nearly panicked. He stroked the thick mane of hair gently, to distract the two of them -- Harry from distress and Remus from anxiety. "Harry, what is wrong?"
"I thought you wanted to see me hurt," Harry replied softly. "Just like him."
Alarm bells started to go off in his mind. "Like who?"
"Draco." Harry's response was so soft that Remus thought it had been his own imagination that he heard the name. "You must hate me now," Harry whispered. "I've become something less than --"
"Say no more." Remus could not bear to listen to his friend. "I don't hate you -- not because you're gay, and not because of the mistakes you've made." He placed his fingertips under Harry's chin and lifted it. "Does he know that you have left him?" When Harry nodded, Remus was relieved. Then his brown eyes hardened. "Good. I hope he never tries to see you, and I hope I will never cross paths with him."
"Remus, don't --"
"I'm not going to do anything reckless," Remus reassured him quickly. "But I'll kill him if he hurts you again."
Remus then helped Harry up to bed and checked the young man over while he listened to what actually went on between the two of them. It sickened him to know that Draco had managed to conceal his wicked and sadistic nature for so long, and without being recruited as another servant of the Dark Lord -- while Voldemort and his Death Eaters were active.
"I loved him once, Remus." Harry's voice broke into his train of thought. "I was happy when we were still students."
Remus studied the young man, who looked exhausted and ill.
"But maybe it hadn't love after all." Harry's eyes fluttered, and then, they closed.
Remus watched Harry sleep for some time. Then I'd better get something for his bruises...
Severus Snape did not appreciate being disturbed when he was at home. He liked it even less when his reading session was interrupted by the incessant knocking on his front door.
Maybe, if I stay still and be quiet, the idiot will think that I'm not at home and go away? Severus thought hopefully.
"You aren't deceiving me with your silence, Severus. I can smell you from here."
Great. Why does it have to the shaggy werewolf? He scowled, irritated.
Severus grabbed his bookmark and slipped it between the pages before he set the book down. He walked over to his door and waved his hand at the multiple locks that secured it to the wall. One by one, they unlocked, and finally, he stared at the forever-tired-appearing Lupin.
"I know it is not time for you to need your potion. What do you want, Lupin?" Severus made no effort whatsoever to hide the disdain and irritation in his voice. He also made no move to invite the wizard in.
"Save it, Severus. I'm too annoyed to appreciate any of your nips," Remus grated.
Nips? Severus snorted derisively. "You, annoyed? Just exactly who is making the disturbance?"
Remus ignored his remark, and he watched as the werewolf pulled a scrap of paper out from a patched pocket. Then Remus started to rattle out a list of things.
"I also need the --"
"I am not a goddamned pharmacy, Remus!" he exploded. "And you're not even paying me a Knut!"
"And I need some sleeping potions as well as something for fatigue," Remus finished, and Severus felt chilled upon hearing the dangerously soft voice. "And you're right -- I can't pay for all of these, not immediately anyway. I can't approach any of the clinics because of this, as well as my condition as a werewolf. I believe you are quite aware of the restrictions. However, I'm not going to go and ask Hermione or the Weasleys for help. I don't want Hermione to fret, I don't want Ron, the twins, and Ginny, to start a war, and I absolutely do not want Molly to get hysterical."
Severus' frown deepened. "What in the nine hells are you talking about?"
"Why didn't you warn Harry about Draco?" Remus burst out angrily.
Remus watched the Potions Master's reaction to his question carefully. However, when he saw confusion and bewilderment in the pair of black eyes, he knew then that not even Severus was aware of Draco's violent behavior. Remus expected to hear him demand about Draco, but it seemed that the night was full with surprises.
"Harry -- what happened to him?" There was no doubt about the concern in Severus' voice. And he called Harry by name. Is this good or bad?
"Draco ... he was abused by Draco," Remus answered. He felt uneasy and troubled, as though he had broken a promise.
Severus looked blankly at him. "Abused? By Draco?" The Potions Master shook his head. "You're lying."
"Whether it's the truth or not, believe what you want, Severus, but I am not lying about the state that Harry's in. Are you going to help me get the medications or what?" he asked shortly.
"Take me to him."
Remus' eyes widened. "So you can gloat over him?"
"Not only are you a typical Gryffindor, but it seems that your wits and intelligence are a match for a cave troll," Severus spat. "I am coming with you, werewolf, so that I can gauge how much Harry can consume. I trust idiots like you even less than I trust other Slytherins. I'd be a fool if I let you use my potions, only to be informed by Aurors that Harry has gone into shock, or is dying from an overdose."
"You want me to what?" Severus exclaimed two hours later, and almost collapsed on the stool. "I will not do it! Not unless he's awake and agrees to let me check him," he said firmly.
"Damn you, Severus, but look at him. Look at him!" The werewolf started to swear lengthily.
"Listen to me. I understand your worries," Severus began, "but do you want me, of all people, to violate him? I don't know if he had told you the truth, about Draco, but it is clear that he has been abused, sexually."
"Then you want me to just stand around even when I know that his insides are infected?"
Severus felt like pulling his hair in frustration. His eyes flickered over the motionless form on the bed, and they paused to study the innocent and battered face. At least he is asleep... He had felt very uncomfortable the moment he saw the bruises on Harry's chest and arms, but the fact that he knew that Harry had been mistreated, had made him nauseous.
Why do I care? It is not like he would suffer less, had the Dark Lord won the war, Severus thought to himself. Damn it. I can't sit around, especially when I know his condition will worsen within thirty-six hours, if he remains untreated.
He raised his head and massaged his temples. "This is quite out of my league, Remus," he said quietly. "But Harry has to get help."
"She won't like this, but she can't turn Harry away. I will give her no choice."
"You mean her?"
"Yes." Severus nodded. "And to ensure that Harry will be treated, I suggest we dress Harry up and bring him to her."
"I don't think she's going to like this."
"If she doesn't scream for at least ten minutes, then she's insane," he said, after a quick glance at the clock. It was already past one in the morning.