Warning: This particular Slice has been rated for substance abuse. coughs And by that, I'm referring to the substance of the fic. Or lack thereof winks Yes, I do believe there's a lot of Substance Abuse in this one. Hehe.

A Splice of Life

Third Slice- A Brew Screwed (Part 3 of 3)

As concocted by: Nikoru Sanzo

A small wooden door in the vegetable garden wall opened. It creaked, betraying any attempts at stealth. Two figures emerged, cowls pulled over their heads and bodies bent, their steps nervous as their eyes darted around to look for anyone who would intrude upon their intrusion.

The first man, young friar Nicholas, whispered, "It is well. The gardener, as always is on leave this day of the week. You should thank me for picking this spot. Your first choice- the infirmary's supply closet- got us into much trouble. The Head Physician naturally thought of the most suspicious rationale when he caught us in there."

The other man, friar Stephen, stopped his overt sneaking and would've shaken a fist had it not been for the mugs and a pitcher he carried in both hands. "Hey! You were making those gagging noises! And you're lucky I was able to hide the bottle or we would've been in more serious trouble!"

Nicholas made a wry face. "Riiiight. A hundred and ten Hail Mary's instead of a hundred and nine. They call us apprenticing physicians… My arse! We're more like glorified infirmary floor sweepers! I don't see why the Head Physician won't give us access to the apothecary's inventory where all the good stuff is."

"Because… he doesn't think the Cardinal will be pleased to know that we're putting things in our ale," Stephen replied dryly. "After all, putting disemboweled beetles and strange mushrooms in our drinks doesn't really count as a proper experiment."

Nicholas retorted, "Why not? Those had an effect, didn't they?"

"Sure. Nine hours' worth of retching for something that tasted like an old sock… with an old foot on it! I was sick for days." Stephen made choking motions.

Nicholas sighed and held up a small pouch before his companion. "At least we found out that strange mushrooms aren't good for the health. Here, pour some of this in your ale."

Stephen took the pouch and peered into the contents. "Powdered daisies? What should I expect this time? A vision of a lovely creature with a Lower Lip that surpasses all that is sublime?"

"I was going for sharper memory, improved eyesight and a cure for the hiccups. Oh well, it doesn't hurt to hope." Nicholas responded as he casually waved a hand.

Nicholas held the mugs as Stephen poured the ale and then sprinkled powdered daisies on them. They stirred their drinks with the tip of their fingers, sniffed the concoction, clinked their mugs and then downed the ale.

"Nothing's happening."

"Patience."

And before one could utter- "Daisy", the two inquisitive friars were treated to the strangest of visions.

"Brother Nicholas?"

"Yes, Brother Stephen?"

"Did we just see Brother Carl passing by?"

"Yes."

"Screaming and flailing his arms wildly?"

"Yes."

"As he is hoisted upon the hefty shoulders of Van Helsing?"

"Yes."

The mugs were shaking.

"Van Helsing, who despite his undeniable masculinity, has somehow sprouted a pair of the most ample bosom of a woman?"

Both friars shook their heads and blinked their eyes several times. With an air of solemn astonishment, they poured out the contents of their mugs as they offered their vows.

"That's it! This is the last time we put things in our ale!"

Finis

By the Holy Cows of St. Bovine. I can't believe I gave Van Helsing a pair of boobies! XD

Carl: But they looked awfully nice, really! The symmetry, the perfect ratio and proportions… and the ideal dimensions and density!

Van Helsing: Caaaaaaarl!