Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon.

Unknown troubles of the Sailor Senshi

"Please, can't we be friends?" shouted Usagi, stretching her hands out after the departing Sailor Soldiers. "Can't we work together? Uranus! Neptune! Please?!"

The two figures halted. One turned, slowly.

" 'Friends'?" said Sailor Uranus icily. "We have no need of friends. We have a mission, and we don't need you to accomplish it. You would be in our way."

She turned back around, and she and her companion walked off into the sunset.

A stray gust of wind blew a handful of cherry blossom petals across their path.


"I hate these late afternoon missions," says Michiru. She sneezes violently (twice) and starts patting her pockets, looking for her eye drops. "I mean, miniskirts in late October? And you'd think that we'd at least get nylon stockings or something when we transform, but noooo. I'm frozen stiff, especially after having to use my attack too… am completely soaked with water…"

Hi, my name is Haruka Tenou and this is a normal day for me and my friend Michiru.

"What do you mean, 'friend'?"

Sorry. My girlfriend.

"Thank you. Fuck, do you have my eye drops? I can't find the damn bottle anywhere…"

Michiru and I are Sailor Soldiers, guardians of planets Neptune and Uranus respectively. It sounds fancy, but in practice it simply means doing a number of pointless things dressed in outfits that weren't exactly chosen for coverage, if you catch my drift. It's tedious work, with bad hours and non-existent pay, because saving humankind now and again is of course enough of a reward.

Put plainly, it sucks.

"Don't forget about the fucking cherry blossoms."

Oh yes, Michiru is very allergic to pollen. Naturally, the fact that cherry blossom petals seem to be shadowing us or something does nothing to improve her condition.

"Damn it!" Michiru is now dismantling my bureau. "I bloody can't find them! Oh, if only I had a cool and sexy convertible car so I could nip down to the pharmacy for some new eye drops and be back in less than five minutes, cough, cough, cough."

I think she's trying to give me a hint.

"And hurry, my eyes feel like fucking golf balls."


"Hey, Sailor Moon and company just walked past. Oops, did I just say Sailor Moon? I meant Usagi-chan, of course." Michiru points out of the window, happy now that her need for eye drops has been satisfied.

Then we have this thing with Sailor Moon and her friends. We figured out pretty quickly who their other identities were. On our third day here, to be exact. How we found out was as follows:

Michiru: Hey Haruka, we've met this group of girls who seem to be really good friends, and then we've met this group of Sailor Soldiers who seem to be really good friends and who just so happen to look identical to the group of girls. The most noticeable girl is Usagi Tsukino, a ditzy klutz with dumplings stuck to the top of her head, and the leader of the Sailor Soldiers is Sailor Moon, a ditzy klutz with dumplings stuck to the top of her head.

Haruka: I see a connection.

And here's how they found out about our other identities:

…they haven't. And I mean there are only so many people with blue hair in the world. (You'd think they'd at least give some thought to it.) But what the hell, it's everybody's right to be ignorant. I guess.

Now, you probably wonder why we act like we've got a stick up our ass whenever we talk to them. Well, it's not as if we don't like the chicks. They're sort of cute, in an infantile sort of way. And it's not as if we want to put them down after every single encounter.

"So true. Being mean to Sailor Moon feels like kicking a puppy."

Of course, Michiru knows what it feels like to kick a puppy.


Anyway, as I said we don't actually dislike them. We even hang out with them sometimes (for lack of better alternative). But hell, we have an image to maintain. We can't be all friendly with them as Sailor Soldiers. It would totally ruin everything.

"Yeah, they might actually start to think we're nice."

A catastrophy.


Just think of what everyone would say.

"Dreadfully embarrassing."

Yeah. So we say the occasional bitchy stuff to them, and of course they get upset. But we make up for it by being really nice when we're not Sailors. And let's face it – all of it's true, as well. They would only slow us down if we tried to cooperate with them. We have an important mission, and we have to do everything to accomplish it, while they're just… scrupulous.

Which brings us onto our mission! I have no idea what's it about, do you Michiru?

"Find the bad guys and KILL THEM ALL!"

Thank you, Michiru, for that enlightening answer.

"Oh yeah, and we have to find a cup – "

A grail.

"I meant a grail. We have to find it before the bad guys do and KILL US ALL! Beats me how to do it though. Oh yeah, and the cup is holy."

The grail.

"I meant the grail."

I can't help thinking about Monte Python every time we talk about our mission.

"I blow my nose in your direction, you English kniggits! You will never have the Holy Grail!"

…very nice, Michiru.


OK, the man question. I knew we'd get there eventually. You've been thinking about it all along, I can tell.

Yes you have, I can spot these things.

First of all, I'm not a man.

"I can guarantee it."

Michiru, shut up. You're being disgusting. Second of all, I have no desire to be a man whatsoever. So what if I like to dress like one? It's much more comfortable and it's stylish. Don't say you haven't thought it looks damn good. And I hate skirts.

"Haruka in a skirt… Heh heh... now there would be a sight."

Wearing the Sailor costume is murder, I can tell you. Too short, too tight, too yucky. I keep wondering why whoever designed it (my current object of hatred, by the way) didn't go for a unisex model. Plus, it's all in synthetic material, terribly bad for you. And while we're on the subject of what's bad for you, yes I have a driver's license for both car and motorcycle, yes I'm not of legal age and yes I got it anyway. Why? 'Cos it's cool. How? I said I was twenty-two, how do you think?

No, they weren't about to argue the point when they were ten seconds away from having their front teeth broken.

…you're still thinking about the whole "man or not" thing, aren't you. Talk about persistent. Yes, I find it incredibly funny to flirt with girls. So what. You would too if you were in my position.

Whoever just called me pervert is about to have their lights punched out.

"Can you wait until after you've driven me to the pool? It's still freezing and I don't want to walk since I'm close to catching pneumonia as it is. I could die, you know. And then you'd be all alone and you'd cry and cry and cry and you'd really wish you'd given me that ride."

You are such a drama queen.

"Does that mean you will?"


How to best sum up being a Sailor Soldier? Let's see…

You fight lots of battles against bad guys, for the reward of knowing you've once again saved a human life (put it down as the 57th time today, Michiru). You associate with people who refer to their weapon as "The Rod of Love" – which is just plain embarrassing. You're often cold and tired and hungry but you still have to use your cool attacks to kick monster ass. Then in my case, the time when I'm a Sailor Soldier is the only time I'm really seen as a girl (the clothes don't really leave room for doubt) and then I'm seen as a macho, mean streak, psycho bitch.

All in all, I can't say it's an occupation I would have chosen if I had an alternative. (Plus I'm still in high school – this is child labour.) But it's not really a choice, so what the hell, you just have to make the best of it. It's actually pretty fun to blast demons to pieces – at any rate it's perfect for working off aggressions. We get to strike cool poses and say extremely corny stuff without anyone thinking it's stupid. I have the nicest shoes of all the Sailor Soldiers.

"Hey Haruka – after I've dried off, how about we order Chinese and just have a cosy night at home?"

And, of course, if I hadn't become a Soldier I probably wouldn't have met Michiru. So all things considered, being a Sailor Soldier is pretty OK.

"No! Fuck! There's another demon down by the harbour. And my hair's not even dry yet!"


The end


Ooookay, this was something strange I put together when I was locked out for one and a half hour because my friend had the keys and was working until seven p.m.… Take it for what it is. :)

Something you might want to know: The line "I blow my nose in your direction…" etc. is from Monte Python's movie "The Search for the Holy Grail". If you haven't seen anything by Monte Python, please do. It's been ages since I last saw The Search for the Holy Grail but just thinking about it still cracks me up. "The Life of Brian" is another good one by MP; I quote that one at least twice a week. Although it doesn't beat "The Meaning of Life" – their best movie. Christ it's funny.

… Got a bit carried away there. Sorry.

It's my birthday today, if you're interested. Happy birthday to me.