Bleeding Before You
A Remus/Sirius Fan Fiction
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just borrowing the characters for a little while. I intend no copyright infringement. Song lyrics you find might find anywhere in this fic, are the property of Jewel, and I am just using them for the purpose of this fic. The songs, and the creative genius behind them are Jewel's. Again, no copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: This is a slash fic, if you don't like the idea of a male/male relationship this probably isn't the story for you. I appreciate constructive criticism , but flames are unnecessary. The writing style of this story may seem a little odd, but things should all play out in the end. This will be a multi-chapter fan fiction , and parts of it will be based on a few songs from Jewel's Pieces of You Album. The fic will switch in and out of Sirius, and Remus point of view. Lyrics are italicised.
Even before the time when I understood love, when I understood how to lose myself completely and entirely to someone, long before any of that, I loved Sirius Black. I loved the way his ebony hair fell across his face, the way his fathomless coal eyes delved their way into the very depths of the most secret fragments of my soul. I loved the way he laughed , the way his lips gently curved into a smile, letting his laughter dance with mirth. I loved the way his languid voice flowed through the air like the soothing sound of a stream. I loved the mischievous look his eyes took on when he was thinking up his next devilish prank with James. I loved the way his emotions were all or nothing. He loved with every ounce of his spirit, and hated with the passion and ferocity of a violent thunderstorm. I loved the way he yelled, the way he pouted when he was sad. The way he was always in detention. I loved everything, even the flaws. I could never hate him. I could never hate him for not loving me back.
I was only eleven when I met him. I didn't fully understand the concept of romantic love. I had read about it in books, seen it displayed in Muggle movies, but I had never felt it. But I was still able to love Sirius. I didn't know it then, but I loved him from the very second I saw his face. I loved him even before I knew how to love him.
I had always managed to keep this endless love to myself. I adored him from afar. I never let him know that every time I touched him, or his hand brushed my own flesh, the adoration and love I held for him trembled with it's burning desire to show itself. I had always kept my secret heart in chains. I was good at concealing things. I had to be, I was a werewolf and my life depended upon it.
But one night, I slipped. I let the chains break into a million pieces.
It had been a beautiful night, in it's own way. A gentle wind lilted through trees, and a soothing rain poured, warm and caressing. In the common room, were I was sitting, the rain tapped against the window in a constant rhythm. It was the rain that first made me realize that Sirius had left the common room quite a while ago, and had still not returned. 'Going for a walk,' he had mumbled before he left. It hadn't registered then that it had been raining. Now it tugged at my brain. Why had Sirius gone out into the wind and rain? My curiosity lead me out of the common room, and down towards the entrance.
I wrapped my cloak tighter around my body, and step out into the night. The warm breeze flew around me, and the rain instantly soaked everything. But it didn't feel like it should have felt, I wasn't annoyed with the weather. Instead I found it comforting. The rain reflected my own swirling emotions, the inner storm that raged within my heart. I had always appeared so calm, and collected to everyone on the outside. And that was partially true. I was logical, I possessed enormous amounts of common sense and I rationalized everything. That all disappeared when it came to Sirius.
As I walked further across the grounds, I noticed a figure down by the lake. I knew by the way he leaned on the large oak tree he was standing by, that it was Sirius. He had this way of always being so casually unemotional, in a such a caring and emotional way. He feigned lack of interest, but everyone who truly knew Sirius for who he really was, knew that he cared with every ounce of his soul. We knew that his emotions were stronger, more powerful, than any of ours.
As I neared him, I could make out the expression of his face. It was not the casual façade I was expecting. His face was tormented with emotion. 'Sirius, what's wrong?' I knew he wouldn't tell me. That just wasn't the way he was. I would have to figure things on my own, and confront him. Then he would expose his emotions to me, only then would he let me in.
He looked up, meeting my concerned eyes, with his own. The black depths were clouded with pain, but underneath there was something else. Some other emotion I couldn't place. Longing? No, that was ridiculous. Sirius didn't love me, not like that. Not the way I loved him.
'Remus.' His voice was hoarse, barely even a whisper, and filled with need. Then his hands brushed the skin of my face. The rough skin of his warm, wet palms on my face sent shivers sailing down my spine. His face was inches away from my own now, his breath soft on my face. It was tentative, cautious, our lips only short distance apart. Then in one magic second, his own lips found my own. Carefully, they touched, both of us expecting the other to pull away. Seconds seemed to turn to hours. Part of me wanted to believe this, and another part thought it must be a joke. Sirius pulled his face away. His eyes were filled with tears, and his bottom lip quivered. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but I froze. I couldn't say I love you, I was too afraid of having my heart broken. So the seconds ticked by, and I missed my chance. 'I'm sorry,' he said, and then he turned and ran away into the night.
Part of me was filled with sorrow, and the other with exuberant joy. I was filled with the hope that maybe Sirius felt the same way. Maybe my love would not go unrequited.
The next morning I found him in the astronomy tower, watching the sun rise. He spoke before I could even say a word. 'I didn't mean for that to happen last night. It was silly really, completely absurd. I hope we can forget it ever happened. I can…I can assure I have no feelings for you in that way at all. I'm sorry for disturbing you, and I hope we can just be friends again. And not mention this to anyone else.'
At that second all my hope was shattered, washed away to nothing but despair. 'But…but I thought…'
'You thought wrong.'
It had all been a game. Just a foolish game to tear me to pieces. I should have hated him. I should have wanted him to die, to suffer the way I was suffering. But I didn't. I still loved him. His words had tore me to bits. I had set my bleeding heart before him, and he had disregarded it, thrown it away like unwanted rubbish. But I still loved him.
These Foolish Games are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
Your breaking my heart
A/N: Thanks for reading the first chapter of my fic! I love feedback and would appreciate your opinions and comments. The next chapter should be primarily from Sirius' point of view.