What Were They Thinking???
Rated: PG-13 for language.
Summery: Possibly the stupidest story I've ever written. A Behind-the-Scenes look at the now famous 'The Precursors are Revealed' Scene. What was Naughty Dog thinking? A humorous look at what I think.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these things or people.
Spoilers: YES! MAJOR JAK 3 SPOILERS!! You don't want the game spoiled, don't read! Don't say I didn't warn you!!!
LES: Over Thanksgiving Weekend, I had the chance to go down to Southern California where Naughty Dog is located. I sneakily infiltrated their stronghold and found this tape showing the secret behind the Naughty Dog's thinking with the Precursors! They, however found me out and set the Naughty Dog mascot on me. He chased me all the way to the getaway car!! And he ripped a hole in my favorite jeans!!!! (They are currently framed in my room.) Sorry, Jak fan girls, I couldn't find Jak to kidnap him… ::cries:: Don't worry, Jak, I'll get you out someday!! Ok, enjoy this stupid story…
"Okay," said the Director. "We're almost done with this game! Did you get those lights working? I don't want them blowing up again!"
"Yeah," said Daxter in his little Ottsel-sized chair. "You nearly killed the star of this videogame!"
"I got out alright…" Jak said from his chair, but Daxter interrupted him.
"I was talking about me, Jak!" Daxter said. "Everyone knows that I am the true star of this game! I'm the true hero! You're just my mode of transportation."
"Then why is the game named after me?" Jak asked angrily. "It's called 'Jak 3' not 'Daxter 3."
"Stop it, you two!" The Director yelled. "Jak! Control your temper! Remember what happened last time? And Daxter! For the last time, you are not the star of this game! Now get in that stupid Precursor thingy and SHUT UP!!!"
Jak and Daxter hop in the Precursor thingy to avoid the Director's wrath. A stage crew dude does the little snappy thing. "The Precursors are revealed, Take Two." He snaps it and the camera rolls. The camera shows Jak and Daxter enter a large, dark room in the Precursor rider. The lights turn on slowly and gradually.
"Are the lights working?" The Director asked worrily.
"Doing good…" The light dude said.
"Okay, Cue Oracle…" The Director said.
The Oracle platform floated down. "Greetings, Great Warrior!" It boomed as Jak landed the Precursor flying thing on the platform. "You need to power up the Planetary Defense System before it's too late." Jak placed the Eco Sphere prop in the slot. "The Eco Sphere has begun its energy conversion, it will take some time for the weapon to fully charge."
Suddenly, a Precursor appeared. "Wow! A real Precursor!" Some extra said, "Where'd you guys get a real Precursor?"
"None of your business!" One of the Producers said. "Now shut up!"
"You have proven your worth, Great Warrior!" The Precursor said, "We grant you the gift of Evolution! The honor of becoming one of us!" Jak was about to step into the light when a voice stopped him.
"Stop right there!" Jak turned around to see Vegar pointing a gun at him. "I'm the one who should evolve into a Precursor! The right is mine!" The two men faced off. The Precursor intervened.
"Be careful what you wish for…" The Precursor said as he put the evolutionary light on Vegar. As looked very upset that Vegar was the one to become a Precursor. Vegar looked up smugly at Jak when the process was done. He didn't look any different.
"It is done." He said, "Don't worry, Jak. It is for the greater good that I assume this role." Vegar pointed the gun at Jak. But the Precursor stopped them once again.
"Even now it may be…" But the Precursor stopped.
"Too late! Too late!" The Director whispered to the Precursor. But, the Precursor suddenly fell to the ground and disappeared in a flash of Eco. The whole set went silent, for about 3 seconds… "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?" The Director yelled. People began running around; all three actors just stared at the place where the Precursor disappeared. Some guy ran up to the Director,
"Well, uh, we don't know that much about the Precursors. And it's possible that, like in that book 'The War of Worlds' the Precursors had no natural immunity to the various…"
"Just SHUT UP and tell me WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE!" The Director screamed.
"Uh, the Precursor got sick from the germs of Earth, so it, uh… died…" The man cowered, waiting for the explosion, he wasn't disappointed.
"CRAP!" The Director said, "What am I going to do?"
"Call Naughty Dog." Jak suggested, "Maybe they'll give us another Precursor…"
"Maybe…" The Director said doubtfully.
(Later, in the Naughty Dog Lair.)
(LES: I don't remember the CEO of Naughty Dog's name. So I sort of made up a name. He shall be known as 'The High Naughty Dog!' Cool name, huh?)
High Naughty Dog was sitting in his office, ordering all the lesser Dogs around. Unlike most CEO's, High Naughty Dog didn't wear a suit. Instead, he wore a shirt from the 'Big Dog Co.' that read 'I am the Big Dog!' It started out as a joke, but it stuck, and now he wears one every day. The phone rang and he picked it up.
"Hello? What do you want? I'm kind of busy here, running a company!" High Naughty Dog said.
"Hi, it's me, the Director for Jak 3…"
"Ah… Jak 3!" High Naughty Dog sighed. "And how's my little money-maker coming along?"
"See, here's the thing… The Precursor you gave us died… or something…"
"What?!?" High Naughty said.
"And… uh… we sort of need a new one…"
"No!" High Naughty Dog yelled. "Do you know how hard it was to get that Precursor? You know how much he cost this company? And HE DIED?"
"Well, can we computer animate him?" The Director asked.
"That will take too long." High Naughty Dog said. "We've got a schedule to keep! I've just released the release date, and it's sure to be all over the Internet by now. Now, I don't care how you do it, just get that game out on time! And you better not waste this studio's money on your stupid mistakes or I'll feed you to the Metal-Heads!" High Naughty Dog hung up. He rubbed his forehead and thought, I hate Mondays…
The Director hung up the phone. "Start digging your graves…" he said to the people on the set.
"Wait, all we need is to change the story a bit…" some dude yelled.
"No, the crazy 'die-hard' fans are expecting an answer to the Precursors." The Director said.
"Wait, what if we only change the story a little bit. What if the Precursors aren't Precursors at all?" The same dude yelled.
"What do you mean?" The Director asked.
"Oh!" Jak said, "What if the Precursors were Metal-Heads?"
"That would be weird." Vegar said. "Then I would have to 'evolve' into a Metal-Head."
"No, that's too weird." Said the Scrip Writer. "What if the elves are Precursors? Some sort of Devolutionized form."
"No way," Daxter said. "That's, like, way out there." He noticed that everyone is staring at him, "What?"
"Anyone else feel like they are having an epiphany?" The Director asked. Several people nodded their heads that the rest looked confused. "OK, we're done for today. Except the scriptwriters and other important people. Everyone else, back to your trailers!" Jak, Daxter, actors, actresses, and the workers left. The Director and the important people set to work on their new idea.
Next day everyone received a memo to come to the studio. Everyone got there, wondering what was going to happen. The Director and the other important people looked tired, but pleased.
"Okay, we've figured out a way around this little problem. It isn't exactly… sane. It's very weird and surprising. We can't get out hands on a Precursor, so we found something else that's easier to get… Here, just look at your scripts…"
Jak looks at his script and gave it a quick glance. His eyes widen, "Oh my God!"
"Exactly, Jak!" the Director said happily. "Okay, we still have to use a Precursor, but we will computer animate him cause he is only on screen for a few seconds. We have a master impersonator, so he will sound the same."
Jak, Daxter, and Vegar got in their places, looking at the imaginary Precursor. The Impersonator's voice sounded from somewhere. "Even now it may be too late. If Erol awakens the Dark Ship's cargo, all will be lost!"
"Listen, Glow-Boy!" said Daxter, following his new lines. "We've been doing all your dirty work while you slept in the stars! So stuff it!"
"Inefficient!" The Precursor voice said. "I told you we needed a back-up hero! We should have gone with Plan B! Ow! Hey! Cut it out!" The doors to the inside of the Oracle began to open. A bright light shown out, causing the actors to cover their faces. The voice rang out again. "We are unhappy with your performance!" The light began to dim, you could just see shapes inside. "If you had been a true hero, you would have stopped Erol by now!" The figures turn around… they are OTTSELS!
Vegar drops his staff, Daxter's mouth hangs open, and Jak says "Oh my God!"
"Yes, uh…" one Ottsel said in a perfect impersonation of a Precursor into a microphone. "Now we are even more angry! And we order you to avert your eyes or we will…" The Ottsel stopped talking like the Precursor. "Oh bother!"
"They look like… me!" Daxter said, stating the obvious.
"Not what you expected…" The Leader Ottsel said. He was fat and carried a staff.
"Yeah, we, like, get that a lot." Said one Ottsel who had a strong 'Surfer' accent.
"Don't look so upset." Said the Leader Ottsel upon noticing the look on Jak's face. "If you knew we Precursors were a bunch of fuzzy rats would you worship us? Could we run the universe?"
"Not possible, buddy." Said the Surfer Ottsel.
"So we… fluff up the myth… a bit." Said the Leader Ottsel.
"And we get the respect we deserve!" said a rather dumb looking Ottsel.
"You idiots!" Vegar exploded. "Get down from there and stop defiling that glorious machine!" Suddenly Vegar was encased in a ball of Eco.
"Do not let our size fool you." The Leader Ottsel said, putting down his staff. "We are the most powerful beings in the Universe."
"We are?" Ottsel Dummy asked. The other two shut him up.
"How come Daxter looks like…" Jak asked.
"Ah, yes. All Eco contains the source of our essence. Our… code… so to speak." The Leader Ottsel explained. "When Daxter touched the Dark Eco, he was blessed when he thought he was cursed."
"Wha-ho!" Daxter shouted, jumping up. "I'm a Precursor!" He began to dance and sing in a 'sing-song' voice. "I'm a Precursor! I'm a Precursor! I'm a Precursor!"
"These creatures are the great Precursors?" Vegar demanded. "And I wanted to evolve into a…" He realized what was happening. "NO! AUGHHH!!!" He suddenly changed into an Ottsel! He looked down at his tail.
"A bit… drafty… ain't it?" Daxter asked smugly.
"The only way to ensure that Erol doesn't awaken the Dark Ship's cargo is to go there yourself and stop him. We will send you there from here."
"But, what about the weapon?" Jak asked.
"Chill out, buddy!" Surfer Ottsel said. "You should have mondo minutes to go there and get back here pronto before…"
"Hopefully before…" said the Leader Ottsel.
"BABOOM!" yelled the Ottsel Dummy.
"Ok, come on, Dax. Let's go!" Jak turned, ran, and jumped into the large warpy thingy. The three Ottsels watched them go.
"You idiots," Leader Ottsel suddenly said. "I told you we needed a Plan B!"
"Cut!" said the Director.
"Okay, that was weird…" said Jak, waking back onto the set. "Are you sure the fans will like this?"
"Of coarse they will!" The Director said "But who cares? Mr. High Naughty Dog isn't going to kill us!"
"Okay, I guess a weird secret is better than being dead…" said Jak as they walked off the set.
LES: The stupidest story that I've ever written. I know what you are thinking. "We wait this long for an update from you and all we get is this garbage?" By the way, if you read this and you are upset that the game was spoiled, it's your own fault. I wrote "Jak 3 Spoilers" in Bold AND Capital letters! So if you complain about that in your review, I will laugh at you. HAHAHA!! Constructive criticism welcome. Nice reviews loved. No flames please.