How had our lives changed and turned upside down in such a short time?

That's what I've been contemplating here sitting on his deck taking a swig of the Irish whiskey I had found in his liquor cabinet.

Wondering how events in our lives had changed everything between us.

I guess it started with me. I had decided to take a chance at love with someone else even though deep down I knew I was in love with him.

The same Him I could never have. The Him that kept me awake at night and the Him that I would walk through fire for and not ask for anything after in return.

But things changed, life changed.

It started on the Prometheus. The time I was missing in the gas bubble alone on the ship thinking I had been abandoned. I knew he was out there searching for me. He wouldn't give up until he found me, of this I was certain. He would do anything to get me back like I would if it were him here in my place.

My mind started to play tricks on me while I was lost in space. I thought I saw a little girl, she said her name was Grace, she showed me things in my life that I could not face. I saw my father tell me I deserved to be loved.

Didn't He know I was loved? Loved more deeply and unselfishly than anyone could begin to comprehend. A man that could never be mine loved me. But as long as we had this invisible wall between us it
could never come true.

Didn't he know the consequences we would have to pay if we ever crossed the wall to give in to feelings we had suppressed for so long? It was frustrating to me. Everything I wanted was there in front of me within my reach so close that I could taste it. But I knew we couldn't do it. We couldn't give into our cravings for each
other. We were good soldiers we would protect the earth from the scum of the universe. I snorted boy did that sound corny but it was the truth we wouldn't falter in our duties too much was at stake.

Appearing next was Daniel, trying to get me to see the beauty of the whole gas cloud experience that I've only seen through a telescope and Teal'c talking in riddles and tell me that I had to stay awake and all was not as it seemed.

He came last. I knew he would show up eventually. I was exhausted by then, not caring anymore if I was saved or not. Calling him Sir and asking him if he was there to give me a pep talk. He chided me, telling me even in my own mind I thought of him as Sir. That one word was what kept us apart. Snapped us back to reality when
we strayed too far when we caught each other's eyes and longed for more.

He was dressed casually in sandals and the blue shirt I had seen at the mall and on an impulse bought it and wondered how he would look in. I said I'd save it for his birthday but it came and went and it
was still hidden in my closet. I told him that I would quit if I knew he would be there. I wanted to hear him profess his love for me. I wanted him to say he would give it all up for me too. But I had to remind myself that these illusions were talking to myself. Jack would never ask me to quit, however deeply he loved me. He would only want me to be happy and he knew the SGC was what made me happy. He said he was my safe bet and that my dad was right I deserved to be happy. Was it what I wanted to hear?

That I could go out and have fun and expect him to stay off the market until I made up my mind? Was he freeing me of his love so I could decide what was best for me? I took another swig of whiskey. The burning sensation that had assaulted my throat earlier was gone. I must be really hammered if I couldn't feel it trickle down my throat. Why was I here at his house sitting on his deck looking up at the stars and going over the biggest mistakes in my life?

My brain answered because this is the last place they'd come and look for you at. No one would expect to find you at his house. I sat back and leaned on the railing looking up at the stars. When did our
lives become so complicated?

I saved the Prometheus and its crew big time. I remember waking in the infirmary and as sure as the sun would rise he was there waiting for me to wake. It was comforting to see him here. I called him Jack,
he looked like he was about to fall of his stool and said

"Excuse me."

I gather myself and used our safe word.

Sir.

He regained his composure and chalked it up to the concussion I had received for my lapse in calling him Jack. Why did I call him Jack? Did I want him to tell me that he felt lost when he couldn't find me like I did the time he was with Maybourne?

That he searched the universe for me but nearly died when he came up empty handed?

Did I want to profess my feelings for him to break the walls that we had so carefully constructed? No, I chickened out and let it go, went back to being a good soldier and pulled out the Sir card. He made his usually attempts to make me laugh and even promised me cake. I smiled and told him thank you, and he had that puzzled look he gets when I stump him, and he asked me for what and I just said nothing.

He left me then taking my hand and giving it a squeeze before he left the infirmary. I held on longer than I should have and he looked up to see me staring at him. Why didn't I tell him there and then what had happen between us? Why didn't I recreate the kiss that was floating in my mind and see if it was as good as I thought it would be? I let him go in more ways that night. That night was the beginning of our end.

My brother had set me up with a friend of his. I was so against it. If you thought about it, how pathetic to have a sibling set you up on a date. The date was with Pete Shanahan a police officer from Denver.
I kind of like the ideal of him not being so close and if things didn't work out we wouldn't be bumping into each other in Colorado Springs.

So we decided to meet half way for both of us for dinner. I was about to cancel on him not wanting to take the next step of actually getting a life.

But I was lonely. Teal'c had gone to visit Ray'ac. Daniel was also off world with SG-6 and the Colonel went up to his cabin. He didn't invite me this time, which took me by surprise. I told myself if it wasn't working out I'd ditch the guy and make my way to Minnesota and surprise him.

But things did work out. Pete was everything the Colonel wasn't. He was easy to talk to. Gave me the attention I craved. He had told me about his past and his family and he made me feel free. Our first kiss was not fireworks but it did stir me and he fulfilled the need for human contact that I had long craved for. Somewhere in my head, a bell was ringing, telling me that I was going too fast, that human contact was one thing, starting a relationship was another. That once Pete had told me his life story, he didn't have much to say, and that
we didn't know where this could end up, spending a lifetime with someone you were attracted to because you didn't have fun for 7 years was something to consider. But I remember that I cowered, even then, and I told myself that I was happy to have someone who cared about me, who made me feel like a woman, who made me believe I was the center of the attention in his life. I chose safety over risk, safety over love.

So we started to see each other every time I was on leave. He started to pry into my job and it was getting old hearing him say that I should be open with him that I knew everything about him but I still had not given him the same amount if information. I told him my work was confidential and there were things I could not discuss it. He let it go but every few days he would start again.

Pete was angry with me one evening. He shook me awake and was sitting on the side of the bed. It was late and I had woken up in a cold sweat.

He asked me who was Jack?

I looked at him and asked him what did he say and he angrily pulled my arm and asked me who was Jack and Daniel?

I yanked my arm back and said they were my team and why was he asking. He said I had called out their names in my sleep and I had pushed him off the bed when he tried to wake me. He was angry and I
tried to soothe him but it was no use he did not believe me. I had a long day ahead of me and couldn't be bothered with him, I told him so and he got out of the bed and went to the spare room and slammed the
door.

I woke up the next day and he had made me breakfast and apologized for his behavior of the night before. I forgave him when he said he only wanted to be the only man in my life. I smiled and said I was sorry for not mentioning the guys before. It was good to wake with someone to talk to in the morning. I made it to work and was caught humming in the elevator by him. He knew there was someone else. I could see the hurt in his eyes and he tried to down play it. He said he was happy that I had finally gotten a life. He left me in the elevator and as the doors closed I could feel him slipping away from me.

Having the man I'm sleeping with crash our surveillance didn't help. The next morning Pete and I argued again this was tearing us apart but that changed when he followed me and witnessed first hand what I
did for a living. The Colonel was livid. Our security protocol was breeched. I though I was in so much trouble and that he would never forgive me. But he went to bat for me with the General and had actually gotten Pete
clearance to hear what I did for a living even though it was a light version of it. Pete was recovering from his injuries and listen to what I could tell him. Afterwards, he kissed me and said that he was happy that he now knew what I did and knew that there was more but he understood that I could only say so much. I thought I had heard a noise behind us and turned but didn't see anything but knew who it was.

I left Pete to rest and went in search of the Colonel. I found him leaving, we were given a week down time and he was on his way out. I thanked him again and he just nodded. We stopped in front of the elevator and waited. He would not look at me. He must have seen Pete and I kiss. That must have hurt him but there was no way to undo what I had done.

The doors open and he stepped in and I followed. He asked me shouldn't I be with Paul. I smiled and corrected him and said his name was Pete. This was one of his evasive maneuvers he used to shelter himself from being hurt using humor or making himself look dumb. I knew his tricks, they would not work with me but I let it slide.

I asked if he was all right. He said he was fine. I grabbed his arm and turned him towards me and asked him again and looked into his eyes. What I saw tore me apart. I could see the coldness, the detachment of himself to the whole situations. I gasped and let go. He whispered he was okay and that he was happy that I had found someone to love me that I deserve that and more. I was about to answer him when the doors opened and he walked out.

I followed him out of the mountain and waited to see what else he would say. He got to his car and turned to look at me. He asked was there something else I wanted to say. His sadness almost engulfed me. Was he asking me to choose?

I was confused. Here in front of me was the man I had loved since I walked into the mountain and in the mountain was what I thought was a safe future with Pete. I stepped back and told him to be safe and to
have a good time at his cabin. He stared at me and gave me a smile that didn't reach his eyes. He told me to tell Paul bye and got into his truck and left. He gave me something that he had never before, incomprehension. He didn't understand what I saw in a man who had sneaked up on me, who could have caused a tragedy by his actions, who seemingly didn't trust me enough to let me do my job and accept what
I was telling him, and most of all, love me for who I was and just believe what I said. Could I have been that wrong about Pete? Or worse, could I have been so wrong about myself? I shook my head and told myself I should have seen that huge red flag waving at me that day. Pete didn't trust me but still I continued to
make excuses for him. Why? Why did I feel that I should stay with this man when all I was doing was hurting the man I truly cared about? It was getting cold out on the deck so I went back inside his house and started to rummage through his closet. I found an over sized sweater that I had seen him wear I pulled it over and was
overwhelmed by his cologne. I closed my eyes and pictured him in this sweater. I climbed back out and sat back down on the lounge this time and took a swig out of the bottle of whiskey and continued my walk
down memory lane.

Things were strained after that. We all felt it. I was moving forward and leaving him behind. I was exploring new avenues while he stood back and watched. Teal'c and Daniel could see us drifting apart and had made comments to both of us and wanting to know if there was anything they could do to help. What could they do? Re-write the regulations so I could be with the man I want. I decided to take a break from the situation.

I asked to go to the Alpha site to help dad out with the new weapon to defeat the Super Soldiers, little did I know that I would be running for my life trying to stay conscious and to keep one step ahead of the soldier that was sent to kill me.

I was scared. I actually saw my life flash in front of me when the soldier came up from the dead and pointed his weapon at me. I closed my eyes and there were all my regrets, the regrets of not being able to be with Jack. I waited for the final blow the one that would take me away from the man I loved. But he came and saved me. When I heard the first shot I looked up and there he was. I moved toward him trying to get to him. I fell behind the boulder and he continued to shoot. He asked me for the crystal. I didn't say a word and handed it to him he loaded it and blasted the soldier to hell.

I was so tired and so happy that he had come for me. After the last couple of days I thought he wouldn't come but he was here. I asked if it was dead and he called out to Teal'c who said he was dead. I relaxed, my leg was throbbing, my vision was going blurred and all I wanted to do was pass out. He asked me if I was okay and if I wanted to get up. I told him to give me a minute. I wanted to cry right there and then I had almost died this was the closest I had ever come to meeting my maker. I was lost in thought and I looked up to him.

He was contemplating what to do. He said the magic words "come here" and engulfed me in a hug that made me feel safe and secure. I leaned into him and closed my eyes. I wanted this for so long that it felt so right. He started to run his fingers through my hair. How many nights went by with me wanting him to do this? Why did I start dating Pete when this was all that I wanted?

I started to nod off and he shifted a little to make me more comfortable. He held me close as Teal'c came to stand by us. He whispered to him to call back to the base to tell them that the soldier was dead and I was in need of medical attention. I could hear the rumbling in his chest when he spoke this was so soothing to me.
Here we were, two people together forgetting the rules for one second and it was so worth it.

I sighed to myself and pulled the sweater closer to me. I tried to fight the tears those memories evoked in me when I wanted to tell him I was sorry for running away from him that I should have been more patient and waited till we could be together but the coward in me couldn't give up what I thought was what I wanted. But what was it that I wanted. Jack or Pete; which one did I really love?

I remember waking in the infirmary and my dad telling me that he was leaving and not knowing when he would be back. Daniel had filled me in on what was going on since I had been gone. The Jaffa and Tok'ra alliance was hanging on by a thread and dad needed to go back and see if he could mend the fences that had been broken.

He left me then and I felt so alone. I waited for Jack to show up but since he let go of my hand when we went through the gate I had not seen him. Janet told me that he was debriefing the General and my dad but my dad had come to see me and had already left. Where was he were we back to the way things were before? I needed him right now I need him to tell me everything was going to be all right.

I need to hear one of his corny jokes. I waited but he never came. Janet took me home and got me comfortable. I had to settle for her to make me happy again. She asked me what was wrong and started to ask if things with me and Pete were good. I told her things were great and that I was a lucky girl to have
found a guy like Pete. That I was a fool to think I could find someone better. Janet saw right through me and told me that I was only fooling myself and that if I didn't see that I was just going through the motions then I was as blind as the Colonel.

I looked up and she kept speaking reminding me that she was there during the whole Za'tarc testing. She knew how we felt about each other and it was too bad that we couldn't act on it. She asked me there and then point blank if I loved him.I tried to skirt the issue but she wouldn't let me and asked again was I in love with my CO. I told her about Pete but she wouldn't stop. I feign a headache and she went to get me my meds.

Before she handed them to me she said that life was too short to always wonder what if. That if Pete was what I wanted to settle for then she would support me, but she knew that my heart would always
belong to Jack. I tried to deny it but she said I could deny it till the day I died.

She remembered what he had said and what I had said. "You two are star crossed lovers never to fulfill what is supposed to be. It's right there in front of you, within your grasp. Sam, live a little, what can you lose? He won't say no."

That was our last deep conversation. My best friend was telling me to screw the rules and jump my CO.

I laughed aloud and raised the bottle of whiskey to the sky and yelled out, "this one's for you Janet, if only I had taken your advice none of this would have happen. I hope you're getting a big kick out of this mess I've created." I swallowed down the liquor like it was water wanting to forget but it wasn't helping.

I thought of that day the day I almost lost him the day my dearest Janet died. I remember seeing him get hit. Everything started to move in slow motion, I screamed out to him and ran wanting to reassure myself that he was all right, that god wouldn't be cruel and take him from me. I reached him and saw he was breathing, I hooked my hand to his vest and started to pull him to safety. Teal'c covered us and once we were safe I started to pull at his vest to see to his injury.

I thanked god and the scientist at the SGC for creating the new vest, the same vest that had saved his life. I heard a Daniel on the radio crying out for a medic, chanting 'no' over and over again. I looked at Teal'c and tried to contact Daniel to find out what was wrong. He said one word. Janet.

I felt a coldness encircle my heart. I tried to ask for more details but I already knew. Was it my fault, did god let me keep the Colonel and took Janet instead? I let out a cry that woke the Colonel. He grasped my hand and I looked down at him with tears in my eyes. I tried to speak but all I did was burst into tears. I let go of him
and told Teal'c to make sure he was safe and left. I had to go to Janet to try and reverse what I had done. I heard him call out to me but I needed to get away, I needed to see my friend. The battle was over and I found Daniel next to her. She was staring up to the sky. I dropped my weapon and kneeled next to her. I took her hand and Daniel woke from his stupor. He had tears in his eyes, saying the blast came from nowhere, that he thought they were safe and the blast had come from no were. I listened and said nothing we both stared at her and one of the medics came over to us he closed her eyes and Daniel started to sob. I stood up and went over to him and took him in my arms. I tried to soothe him but I was hurting too.

We sat there for what seemed like hours til' Teal'c came and told us it was time to go. They had put Janet on a stretcher covered her face so all that was showing was the top of her head. Daniel moved to the side of the stretcher and took her hand and started his trek back to the gate. I was still sitting there I looked up at Teal'c and his outstretched hand. I took it and he lifted me up. I asked where the colonel was.

He said he was on his way back to the gate. I had to find him. We had lost a close and dear friend and I was through tempting fate. I was going to resign and profess my love to the man I've wanted all along.

I started to run to the gate. I heard Teal'c yell at me to stop but I wouldn't I had to do it now before I lost my courage and let it slip through my fingers like all the other countless times.

When I got to the gate all the injured personnel had been transported through. Teal'c reached me and asked me what I was doing. I told him what I should have done a long time ago. We were stopped by Colonel
Dixon and asked to accompany him to check the parameter. I had to follow his orders and nodded yes as did Teal'c. By the time everything was secured I had started to think about the situation and thought it out and my doubts had started to resurface. What if he didn't want me any longer? What if I had done too much damage between us? What about Pete? I walked through the gate resigned to let things stand as they were.

That day was one of the most trying I've ever had to live through. I had to tell Cassie that her mother was dead, killed off world saving the life of a fellow soldier. She took it hard. I comforted her as much as I could. Daniel and Teal'c had been there when I told her. They were wonderful, I remember Teal'c taking her hand and Cassie with tears in her eyes asking why had her mother died. Hadn't she suffered enough losing her birth mother and now the woman who had loved her unconditionally and welcomed her as her own? Teal'c with
all his years of wisdom comforted her like she was his own child, taking her in his arms and letting her cry till she fell asleep. Daniel was inconsolable also. Berating himself for not telling Janet his true feeling for her. He had decided the bottom of the bottle was where his solution to the pain in his heart laid. He had drank too
much and said too much. Telling me that I should put all my doubts aside to tell Jack how I felt and not to wait. He said it could have been him also we would be mourning right now if it hadn't been for the new vest he was wearing.

I looked up to the sky and sighed. Daniel was drunk that night but he was right, I should have told him right there. I left Cassie in the capable hands of Teal'c and went to the mountain and waited till he woke up.

I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes and trying to chase the cold with the bottle of whiskey I held in my hands. That was a hard night for all of us.

I remembered telling Daniel I would be back and went in search of my destiny. I remembered getting to the mountain and being bombarded by the cameras and that annoying director. I went to the infirmary to check on him and to ask if he had regain consciousness. Dr. Warner said he had not but he should recover nicely. The vest had done its job. I asked if I could visit with him and he said only for a little while and left me alone with him. I sat there and watched his chest rise and fall. I covered my mouth with my hand to stop my silent
scream. I had almost lost him and I could feel the pain in my heart.

I closed my eyes and all I remembered was seeing him fall. I opened my eyes quickly and shook my head. I took his hand and started to tell him what was in my heart. An hour later I was exhausted. I had told him everything that I had hidden from him and he was still there. He did not disappear like he had in my dreams but then again he was unconscious and had not heard my confession. I stood over him whispered in his ear that I'd always love him and kissed his lips softly.

I walked out of that room promising myself that I would break it off with Pete and do everything in my power to be with him. He woke the next day and was released from the infirmary. I went to see how he was. I walked into the room and it looked like he was having difficulty putting his shirt on. I tried to put on my soldier face and asked how was and how lucky we were that the staff blast hit him where it did and the new vest inserts did there job He mumbled that it hadn't help Janet much. My façade started to break. Just seeing him again brought everything I had said to him yesterday back to me. I agreed with him and whispered that it hadn't. He could see the emotions on my face and tried to change the subject asking about Cassie and how she was handling the whole situation.

He was avoiding me. That hurt more than watching him fall the day before. I tried not to cry and took a deep breath and said she was a strong kid and she would survive. He changed the subject again and asked if I was speaking at the memorial. I couldn't speak and just nodded. It was now or never, I took a deep breath and only managed to say our safe word.Sir

I just wanted to tell him right there. I wanted him to know but I knew I couldn't do it we were both vulnerable right now and he would think that I was using Janet's death to tell him how I felt. I could feel the tears fall and turned away. He came to me and I looked at him everything I felt for him shone in my eyes. He saw it and said
come here.

He pulled me into his arms and I melted into him holding him like he was my life line I felt him turn his face into my neck. I felt his warm breath and I closed my eyes letting my tears fall. I wanted this, I wanted more. He held me and soothed me telling me everything would be all right, that he was here and he would always be here. Had he seen through my facade? what was he aware of ?

You don't deserve him my mind screamed at me. I snapped at myself and agreed I didn't deserve him. Why didn't I follow my heart? Why did I have to have meet Pete and ruin things for us?

I spoke at the memorial service and he held my hand all the way, I knew it would work between us, he had been supportive and there for all of us. Cassie had every intention of being at the service but the whole situation had become too much for her and she had a panic attack. She started to hyperventilate and was taken to the infirmary.

Dr. Warner insisted she rest and said the shock of the service might be too much for her. The Colonel asked if she was up to going to the service and she burst into tears and said no she had been a nervous wreck and thought she'd pass out if she had to go through the whole service. She asked him if she was a bad daughter for not going and he comforted her and said no, that Janet would understand.

After the service we all decided to go to the Colonel's house since it had more bedrooms and more room. We needed to bond to help us all grieve and get over our loss of Janet. He said he would pick me up
since there was no need to have 4 cars at his home. I agreed and went home to pick up some clothes and Daniel took Cassie to her home to do the same.

I remembered packing my bag and going to the kitchen. I poured me a glass of wine and another. I waited for him. I was going to tell him everything. I heard the door open and waited in the kitchen, he came up behind me and I felt arms around my waist, I held my breath, I closed my eyes and turned around. I kissed him and he held me tight. I wanted more and he started to back us out of the kitchen. I didn't hear the door open and only felt someone else in the room, I opened my eyes and into the eyes of Pete.I pulled back and looked at the door to see Jack. I could see the coldness, sadness, and hurt creep back into his eyes, he tilted his head down, when he looked up, subtly nodding in reprobation I understood that he thought I hadn't learn anything from the past weeks. He cleared his throat and apologized for not knocking. He had something in his hand but he put it in his pocket. I wanted so badly to know what it had been. Pete started to speak and asked Jack what he was doing there.

Jack looked at me and I started to explain to Pete what had happen the last couple of days. I told him about Cassie and how we were needed to help Cassie cope with her loss. I asked him what he was doing here. He explained he had time off and had wanted to surprise me since I had not returned any of his calls. He annoyed me. He had just ruined everything and the worse part was that Jack had caught us kissing again.

Jack said he would tell Cassie that Pete had came unexpectedly and he was sure that he, Daniel and Teal'c would be able to help her through this time. He didn't even give me time to respond and left. I saw the door closed and any chance of us ever being together close also.

I started to feel bad and Pete tried to comfort me. I started to cry and he held me. If he only knew why I was crying he wouldn't have been comforting me. I was crying for all the injustices in the world for taking my friend for the damn rules that kept me from the man whom I just hurt.

I made it over to the Colonel's the following day without Pete, who was not happy that he was not allowed to bond with my friends. I think he knew there was something between me and Jack and just wanted to put salt in the Colonel's wound, it was the whole alpha male thing which I was in no mood to deal with.

When I arrived Cassie was cold towards me as was Jack. I could feel him watching me and each time I looked up I could see the sadness in his eyes.

I stayed for a short time and asked Cassie when she was coming home. She said as soon as "he" left. Or better yet could she move in with Jack. I told her no that Janet had made me her guardian and that she
would be staying with me. I left not wanting to fight anymore and went to the SGC because I didn't want to face Pete.

I groaned and chided myself I had hurt Jack by being with another man, Cassie hated what I was doing to Jack and was taking it out on me. What did I expect Jack to do welcome me with open arms? I needed
to erase those eyes filled with sadness. I took another sip of the whiskey and pulled my knees up to my chin. His sweater was warm and his scent was what I inhaled. I closed my eyes and wished I had never
had to see that sadness in his ever again.

We went back to work and things were strained between us again. When Agent Barrett called and said we might be interested in a case he was working on I jumped at the chance to get away from the tension that
was building. Daniel decided to come along and we went to see what we could help Agent Barrett with. It turned out to be an NID project gone awry. I called the Colonel to update him on what was going on
and he started to act like nothing had happen and started to tease me again. I never knew how much I had missed this banter between us.

We returned and he invited all of us to his home and the tension was gone and he even asked me how Pete was. That question took me by surprise but I answered him and he even smiled and said he was happy
that I was happy and if Pete was what made me happy then that was fine.

We had dinner and the subject of crossword puzzles came up I bet him a month of cleaning his home that he could not complete it correctly by tomorrow. He smiled and said I was on.

I laughed at the way he came in to the mountain that morning late and how Daniel told me he had spoken to him and tried to get his help. I was waiting for him at the elevator and he had that aloof look of his like he had all the time in the world. I chided him saying the fate of the world was at hand and he was late because he wanted to finish a crossword puzzle. He said it was double or nothing, remembering I had up the ante to two months of cleaning.

I stood up and stretched. My back was killing me from sitting out here in the cold and I wanted to get the kinks out of my back. I felt my head spin and sat back down. Every spiraled out of control that day, we had gotten a tip of another repository and we went to investigate.

He sacrificed himself again and downloaded the ancient's library again knowing what it would do to him. He left the mountain that day wanting to get his things together and wait for the inevitable. I started to work in my lab but all my thoughts were with him. I was losing him definitely this time there would be no way to save him our only chance would be the Asgard since we had had no contact with the Tok'ra for months.

I remember requesting to go off world to try and contact Thor. The general gave me permission and Teal'c came along. We went and tried several times to contact them but to no avail. I felt so helpless. It should have been me to take the download, I would if it meant he would be safe. We went back and debriefed the General. I went home after that and came close to going to his house but I was the last person he would want to see. I arrived at my house and there was a message from Pete asking if I was available this weekend cause he
wanted to come for a visit. I called him and said I was going to be gone for a couple of days and that it was not a good ideal for him to show up. I tried to sleep but couldn't. I ended up going through my photo albums with a bottle of wine and crying myself to sleep.

The next day I woke up got dressed and went to his home not thinking was the way to go, if I started to think what I was doing then I'd never get there. He answered the door and I was tongue tied and said I was in the neighborhood and then blurted out that I couldn't sleep last night. He said I should have called. Another missed opportunity.

He offered me a beer and I said okay. I started to ask question about his ex-wife and he didn't want to talk about it and then I asked how he was feeling and he didn't' want to talk about that. I was just buying time and I changed my mind, I was a coward. I said I should leave that he wanted to be alone and I understood. He said no and to finish my beer and then wait an hour before I could leave.

I smiled he wanted me to stay. I was going to tell him how I felt that I should have been the one to take the download. He asked if I was nuts and he said that I was on of the countries natural resources
it not a national treasure.

He had a way with words. I smiled. I was about to tell him how I felt but we were interrupted by Daniel and Teal'c.I didn't get to talk to him till we were on the ship on the way to the lost city I found him in the cargo bay and started to babble. I brought up the night before and he stopped me and said he knew. He didn't want to hear anymore.

We defeated Anubis but I lost Jack. He was left in a frozen state to save his sanity. I worked day and night to find the solution forgetting about Pete and everything else all that mattered was to
get Jack back to me.

I blackmailed Dr. Weir to let me use the ship from the Antartica and Teal'c came along to help me out I started to make small talk but when he asked me about Pete, I froze and changed the subject. We found Thor but I was captured by Fifth. He made me see things that I didn't want to relive. Everything that hurt me in my life he made me replay it over and over again in my mind. My mother's death, my possession by Jolinar, the blood of Sokar and watching Jack being taken as a host by Hathor, and the latest memory of him falling down
after being hit by a staff blast. I remember begging Fifth to stop I didn't want to go through that again, I cried when his hand came close to my forehead for another assault.

I got up and started to walk and started to take deep breaths to prevent me from being sick here on his deck and in his sweater. Get a hold of yourself Samantha its over he's gone he can't hurt you. That was an experience I never wanted to replay ever again. I gripped the railing and tried not to cry. Why had I screwed up my life? I should had said screw everyone and everything and jumped on him as soon as I had a chance.

I calmed myself down and sat back down on the lounge. I remembered back to how Fifth tried to fool me to think that I was living on a farm with Pete in Montana. I remember Pete saying that was what he wanted to do when he retired buy some land in Montana and live on a farm with me. I recalled smiling at him and saying that was what I wanted also, but deep down I knew I was lying there was no way I was going to settle down with him that was why I knew it was all a lie.He rescued me. How ironic. I was supposed to rescue him and he ended up rescuing me. I saw the spark in his eyes again, my Jack was back. I smiled and wanted to tell him how much I missed him and that I loved him and to never leave me again.

We got back to earth and things changed. They promoted him to General and gave him the position of a life time, he was going to be the man! In charge of the SGC!! I was so proud of him people were starting to
see what I had seen in him since I first started to work with him. He did something that took me completely by surprise. He promoted me to Lt. Colonel and gave me the helm of SG1. I could see it in his eyes that he did it for lots of reasons. Was it his way of showing me how much he cared and respected me? I'd never know since I never asked.

He took the position and I could see he was having a hard time adjusting to being a diplomat and a leader. I tried to help as much as possible. He started to pull away again. I tried to be there for him but he started to avoid me again. I went back to being the good soldier. We had a couple of missions that went wrong.

Like the one he thought we had been captured by Ba'al. What he must have gone through and the other ones that had one member of SG1 always in danger.

I was still seeing Pete out of loneliness and to have someone to tell me they loved me. Teal'c had gotten permission to move off base and he did. We had a house warming party for him and we all came over to see his new place. His new neighbor was there and she seemed like a nice woman. But things always turned out wrong for SG1. Teal'c was wanted by the police so I called Pete to help me clear his name. He came no questions asked and helped out. I was grateful to him and even Jack got his name right when things were all cleared up. So it came to me as a surprise when Pete proposed to me and I said yes.

Why did I say yes? Why did I gave Pete hope that there was going to be a future between us?

I wasn't going to tell the guys but I had forgotten to take off my ring and who saw it but none other than Jack. I was dropping off some files and I handed them to him when his hand grabbed my wrist and
looked at my hand.

I remember gasping he was so quick and then he looked at the ring and then to me and back to the ring. He let me go and said that Pete was a lucky man and dismissed me from his office. I tried to speak but
the President's phone was ringing. I said I wanted to tell him but he just shut me out and started to talk to the President.He avoided me more only speaking to me when necessary and at our briefings. Daniel and Teal'c were in Jack's camp. They both felt I had betrayed Jack and them for not telling them about my engagement.

Things started to go bad between Pete and myself. He started to come more often and even got offered a job position in Colorado Springs. I would be seeing him everyday now. The last straw was when he put down
a down payment on a house for both of us to move into after we were married. I hadn't even set a date and He was buying a house. He knew. He knew if he didn't get me to the altar soon I would back out and
he'd lose me.

Then I got the news that tore my heart to shreds. I went in to see Jack to ask him some dumb question when I heard laughter coming from his office I thought maybe Daniel was there with him and knocked and walked in. I was taken by surprised when a tall brunett with beautiful green eyes and a sparkling smile was sitting on Jack's desk with her hand on his cheek.

I almost passed out. I blinked three times thinking I was dreaming. Jack cleared his throat and I turned to look at him. He called me out of my stupor and I said I was sorry for barging in and it looked like he was busy and left. I went straight to the bathroom and proceeded to lose my lunch. I never knew seeing him with another woman would affect me so. I sat there and tried to compose myself.

I had lost him. She was beautiful and looked to have everything together. She was everything I wasn't. Of course he would want her why would he want a tomboy looking Lt. Colonel who only strung him along and never gave up her career to be with him. I burst into tears. I tried not to make too much noise I didn't want anyone to know I was crying for what I had lost.

I went to my lab and tried to work. There was a message from Jack and I didn't want to go see him. I went to the infirmary and told the doctor I wasn't feeling well and he sent me home. As I was checking out I told Daniel to let Jack know I had left that I was not feeling well, something I ate. Daniel was concerned and he walked me to my car. Before I left I asked him if he had known about Jack's new friend.

He filled me in and it pained me that Daniel and Teal'c were worthy enough to know about Jack's private life but I wasn't. I snapped myself out of it. I started to yell at myself in my mind. What do you expect Samantha Carter you kept your love life away from him you threw everything away between you two and you expect him to open up to you and tell you about his love life. It cuts both ways and your one selfish SOB.

I took another drink and could feel the tears falling down her face. I had made her bed and now I would have to lay in it.I found out every thing I could about Kerry Johnson, the woman who had replaced me in Jack's heart and in his life. I started to avoid them. It turned out they had met while on a plane back from Washington. It was around the time he had found out I was engaged. He had moved on since he thought there was nothing left between us. What did I expect? for him to be there for me always? To be there to pick up the pieces and not have a life himself and why did it hurt so much.

I had a major blow out with Pete. I told him that he was going to fast, that a house was a major purchase and that he had gone behind my back to do it. I told him I needed space and he flipped saying that he was making all the changes in our relationship and that I had not changed at all. He said that he loved me and that's why he was willing to do everything he could to make me happy. I started to feel suffocated by him and told him that I needed time and space to think. I left with him cursing and yelling at me that he wouldn't be there when he got back and where was I going, the General had a girl already, that he had moved on and that he would not be there to pick up the pieces.

His words hurt me but they were the truth. I had hurt both of them and still I expected them to wait for my decision.I went to see Jack, I needed to know if he still loved me. His answer would either change everything or leave things as they were.

We argued, he told me that he had taken my lead and moved on. I felt my heart shatter and started to tell him if I gave Pete his ring back and resign from the SGC what would he say. We never finished that conversation Kerry interrupted us and invited me to dinner. I tried to leave but she insisted.

She knew there was something between us. The way she looked at me and scrutinized everything I did and the way I looked and acted towards Jack. The phone rang and he went to answer it. When he was out of
the room she started in on me.

She said that she knew I was the reason that Jack would not commit to her and that I was the reason he would never be happy with anyone else. She called me selfish and said that if I cared for him that I would let him go.

I whispered back that there was nothing between us since the regulations would not allow it and she just snorted and said she had heard all the rumors about the way I had strung him along only to advance my career and that once I got to were I want to be, I had left him for a younger man.

"You give women a bad name and I for one will fight you for him. He has so much to give and you had your chance. I will not give him up you can bank on it. I'm not going anywhere," Kerry hissed at me.I stood up and went up to her and let her have it saying that I worked hard for every one of those promotions and I deserve them. I asked her what made her think that she was good enough for Jack and I knew what kind of man he was and that I would never stand in his way to find happiness.

That's how Jack found us and when he asked what was going on Kerry became the damsel in distress and accused me of assaulting her. I was in shock and hurt when it looked like he believed her. I got up to leave and told him to believe what he wanted, that I was not going to stand around and hear anymore of her lies. He grabbed my arm and I started to pull away when he yelled at me to stop acting like a child and listen to him.

He told me my father was at the Academy Hospital. I gasped and started to ask 20 questions. He started to drag me to the door to get me to the hospital. I asked him to let me go and that he didn't need to come along it was none of his concern. He called me Colonel our other safe word and said that they had requested us both to come immediately. Kerry came along also. I took the front seat and I could see she was fuming through the rear view mirror.

We arrived and I climbed out of the truck and ran to the emergency room entrance to look for my father. Pete was there and I was surprised to see him here. He said Daniel had called my house looking for me and when he saw Jack following from behind he yanked my arm and pulled me to the closest wall and asked what the hell was I doing with Jack. I tried to pull away but he only gripped it harder I yelped in pain and Jack came behind me and grabbed Pete's hand and got me out of his grip.

I looked between both of them and walked away to go to my father. He had crash landed at the Groom Lake Facility and had asked for General Hammond, Colonel Jack O'Neill or me. They found out who he was and he was transported to the Academy Hospital under heavy security. His injuries were severe. Dr. Warner was called to check on him I went in and he was hooked up to all this tubes and machinery.

I took his hand and started to cry. This wasn't good, it meant he was severely injured and that Selmac could not help. Dr. Warner told me what was wrong with him he did not give him much hope of ever recovering, the injuries were that severe. I started to caress his face and realize if my father died I had no one. I was leaving Pete after his last tirade. I had had enough of his insecurities and his mistrust. One Jonas in my life was enough.

I needed to get out, I needed to breathe. I told my father I was sorry, I couldn't do anything for him and left. I walked down the hall only to bump into Pete. He had calmed down, and apologized to me. Kerry had said she was at Jack's and that I had been having dinner with them when the General had gotten the call from the
hospital. He asked how my father was and I told him not well and there might be a chance he would not recover. He said then it was a good thing he had contacted Mark. I turned to him and said what. I started to yell at him why had he done that, Mark wouldn't be able to come up to this floor. Hospital security and I wouldn't let him. I told him he shouldn't have interfered.

He grabbed my arm again and started to yell at me saying he was only trying to help and that he was tired of me always pointing out all the bad things he did and that he would not tolerate this type of behavior once we were married. I pulled away from him, took the ring off my finger handed it to him and told him to leave. That was his final straw he called me a teasing bitch and slapped me in the face with such force I fell back
against the wall and then to the floor. I heard a growl and then someone yelling and what sounded like a punch.

I got up to see my ex fiancé being punched by my CO. I got up and tried to pull them apart. It had no effect on each of them and security was called. I had to leave. I ran out of the hospital not caring what happened to me I grabbed a cab and went to my house. I got on my bike and rode away. I made it to his house and broke into his home. I sat on his couch and then went through his liquor cabinet and found the whiskey. I went to the kitchen and found some ice for my face. I was going to have one nasty bruise, but it was done, Pete was out of my life another sad chapter in the life of Samantha Carter.

So that was why I was here, I needed somewhere to be alone, somewhere were they wouldn't find me. I moved my bike to the backyard and sat up here on his deck and looked up to the stars. I started to drift to
sleep.

I was being shaken awake and I asked for five more minutes of sleep. I was upset at who ever was waking me from dreaming of Jack and I fishing at his cabin.

I was grabbed by my upper arms and shaken again and then I heard the voice.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

I looked into the angriest eyes I had ever seen. I whimpered to please let me go and he did and sat in front of me and waited for me to answer.