Five Ways to Annoy Your Family

At Christmas

DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters. I don't own Christmas either, although I really wish I did!!!

Oh, and I know virtually nothing about Wally West except for the paragraph I read about him once. And I don't give a darn about continuity, so don't review just to bug me about it!!!!!!!

1) Keep asking them what your presents are over and over and over…

"What did I get?"

"You'll find out the day after tomorrow."

"I wanna find out now."

"Too bad."




"No whining."

"…What did I get for Christmas?"

"I told you—you'll find out the day after tomorrow!! ::grumble, grumble::"

"But that is so far away!"

"Tough luck for you."

"…what did you get me?"

"You ask one more time and you won't get anything!"

"What am I getting?"

"BRUCE! Will you PLEASE knock it off?! You're driving me CRAZY!!"

> > >

2) Play "The Twelve Days of Christmas" until everyone goes crazy.

Twelve-year-old Dick grinned mischievously as he slipped on to the piano bench. Bruce had annoyed him all day yesterday, and Dick had finally thought of a way to get even with his mentor.

As he opened the book, a small giggle escaped. This was going to be so great, especially because Wally West (a.k.a. Flash) was visiting for Christmas Eve. He was an even bigger prankster than Dick was and had elaborated on the original idea until it was so spectacular that even he could hardly believe it.

"Ready?" said Wally.

"Yup! Are you sure you got everything wired good?"

"C'mon, Rob, don't you trust me?!"

"No—and don't call me Rob."

"Oh, boy this'll be one wake-up call that Bruce will never forget!!"

Both of them laughed in a slightly evil way as Dick began playing with all his might.

About a measure into the song, there was a shout and then a rather loud ::CRASH!!:: from upstairs, exactly where Bruce's room should have been. Wally covered his mouth to keep from laughing too hard, and Dick bit his lip until it was as red as the Christmas tree ornaments.

There was another crash upstairs. Dick looked at Wally quizzically; his playing slowed somewhat.

"I guess I forgot to put the wire that's attached to the loudspeaker in a place where nobody would trip on it… oops…" Wally muttered. Dick grinned wider at his friend's obvious insincerity and played louder than ever.

Not long afterwards, a rather haggard-looking Bruce Wayne stumbled into the room, followed by an equally-frazzled Alfred.

"Sorry, Alfred—didn't mean to wake YOU up," Dick apologized, throwing an impish glare at Bruce. To him, he added, "Now YOU, on the other hand…"

"What do you two think you're doing?!" Bruce growled.

"Getting revenge," Wally answered. At Bruce's confused expression, he shrugged and said, "All I know is what Robby here told me."

"Don't call me that!" Dick snapped.

"Sorry, Rob."


"I trust you have a good explanation, young man," said Alfred.

"Don't blame me—blame Bruce! He's the one who was bugging me about his Christmas presents!"

"He was?!" Wally began laughing.

"Blabbermouth," Bruce muttered.

"I think I'll have a talk with young Master Bruce right now," Alfred said. He took Bruce gently by the ear and led him out of the room while Dick and Wally stayed behind, laughing uproariously.


3) Use tinsel—lots and lots of tinsel.

Wally poked his head out the doorway. Spotting the person he wanted to see, he hissed, "Hey, Bruce! Get over here!"

"I'm not talking to you—or Dick either, for that matter," was the grouchy reply.

"Come on! I know you want to get revenge, and I have the perfect solution!"

Warily, Bruce followed Wally and shut the living room doors behind him.

"What is it? And if this is another one of you stupid jokes…"

"It's not. Just listen."

As Wally whispered the plans in Bruce's ear, a slow smile began spreading across his features. The two shook hands and Wally gave Bruce a small green package…

About an hour later, the package lay at Bruce's feet. It was completely empty, and Bruce was tossing the last of its contents lazily onto—well, 'near', at least—the mammoth pine tree in the corner. Wally stood to the side, watching. And when Bruce gave him the thumbs-up sign, he could barely keep from laughing as he yelled for the butler to come quickly.

Alfred didn't have the chance to say anything as he stood in shock, staring at the tree. And the floor. In fact, it looked as if he might even say something out-of-character before years of habit kicked in.

"May I ask what occurred in here, sirs? I believe I just cleaned this morning."

"Don't look at ME," Wally said innocently with a little shrug. "Maybe it was Dick. Maybe he thought you had an appalling lack of tinsel and decided to fix things to his tastes."

And so Dick was called in.

When he arrived, he appeared just as stunned as Alfred had been.

"Holy disaster areas! Where did all that tinsel come from?!" he cried.

"As if you don't know," sighed Wally, shaking his head to and fro. "Shame, shame, SHAME, shame, shame…"

"You might as well fess up, Dick," Bruce added. It wasn't as nearly as hard for him to keep a straight face throughout the charade as it was for the prank-loving Wally.

Meanwhile, poor Dick was staring at the both of them with the most bewildered expression on his little face. Bruce almost considered confessing that this was a joke at his pathetic expression, but one thought of what had happened this morning and he quickly discarded the idea.

"As you know, Master Dick, tinsel is not able to be vacuumed," said Alfred sternly. "Therefore, I expect all of this tinsel off the floor within in the hour."

All three left the room while Dick stayed behind and glared at their retreating backs. He would have to get his own revenge later.


4) Tangle up all the Christmas lights REALLY badly.

Dick sat cross-legged on the rug, tying knots in every single set of lights he could get his hands on. He smiled at his own vengeful thoughts as he finished up the most recent knot. Putting that set of lights aside, he hurriedly tangled up the last one. Bruce and Wally were always in charge of putting the lights up—they would regret that little tinsel incident soon enough!

He heard footsteps—they were coming!

Dick stood up.

"Hey, guys!" he greeted pleasantly. He didn't miss when Wally and Bruce exchanged triumphant glances. Apparently, they thought he was still in the dark about what had happened that morning.

"Hi, Dick," Bruce said. "What are you doing in here?"

He pouted. "I always watch you guys hang up the Christmas lights!"

"Oh, right!" exclaimed Wally. He loved hanging up Christmas lights almost as much as he loved playing jokes on the JL members… and beyond.

He won't love it half as much this year! Dick thought. Visions of hog-tied Bats and Flashes danced in his head as the other two got ready to string up the lights.

Bruce picked up the first set of lights and frowned. It looked worse than his sock drawer after Wally had gotten through with it on April Fools' Day.

"Look at all these knots!" Wally cried. "We'll lose at least an hour undoing all of these things."

"We never use all of the sets," Bruce reminded him. "Let's put these two aside and start with the others. They can't all be knotted like these."

That shows how much you know about revenge! Dick thought.

The older two went through every single set that Bruce owned; every single one of them was nearly-hopelessly tangled.

"I don't understand it," Wally said, puzzled. "The lights are always a little tangled, but not this badly! What could have happened to them?!"

Dick began giggling.

"I think I know," Bruce said in a dangerously low tone.

Dick just laughed louder.

"You don't think a little bird could be responsible, do you?" asked Wally.

"I don't think, Wally… I know…"

And Dick ran from the room as Bruce and Wally began the chase. It lasted for at least twoseconds before Dick accidentally bumped into Alfred.

"What, may I ask, were you three doing NOW?" Alfred questioned, sounding unusually irritated.

"I was just getting even after that TINSEL INCIDENT!" Dick declared.

"And we were just getting even for the CHRISTMAS LIGHT INCIDENT!" yelled the other two.

Alfred just sighed.


5) Wake everybody up super-early on Christmas morning.

That most certainly did it. That Christmas light incident was the last straw—he had to do something really spectacular to get even now! He only wished that Wally was still here instead of at his own place; he wanted to get even with him almost as much as he wanted to get even with Dick.

He'd have to think of something to do to Wally later. It had taken weeks to sort through all those knotted socks and it would take a few more weeks to pick up all the stray strands of tinsel in the living room. After all, Wally had been the real mastermind behind that prank.

He checked the wires once more. He had found them stashed sloppily under Dick's bed—they had undoubtedly been used in the Twelve Days of Christmas incident; he decided to reuse them in his 'wake-up call' joke.

There. Now everything was ready for the final battle. And this time, he would win. Guaranteed.

The clock chimed.

Three o'clock.


Putting the old Army bugle to his lips, he blew. LOUD.

There were several screams, crashes and other exceptionally loud sounds from the bedrooms. Good, it had worked!

A few minutes later, Bruce and Dick appeared on the landing, looking very disheveled and, above all, furious.

"ALFRED!" they both cried. "What did you think you were doing?!?!?"

"A little something I believe you called 'sweet revenge'," replied Alfred. After a pause, he added, "Merry Christmas, sirs!"

The End

...and a hap-py new yeeeeeaaaarr! :D