Never Let Me Go
Disclaimer: Not mine. Unfortunately.
Happy very very belated birthday to Zephyr Raine. Enjoy the Hephy angst.
To the tune of 'Waterfall' by Enya, which can be found at this site www. livejournal. Com / users /bagoasalexdandr/ on the November 28 entry. Just delete the spaces and stuff to get the URL working. (EDIT: The LJ isn't mine, so I hope the owner doesn't mind me linking to the song...)
The sound of music and wild laughter hurts my ears. Everything is too loud, pounding into my head. Assaulting my senses Wine flows freely; everyone celebrates; everyone is smiling.
Everyone but me.
No matter how much I try, I cannot smile. I cannot join their celebrations. But I can pretend. And they will not know the difference. The wine clouds their judgement, and I am glad that they do not notice me when I leave. They cannot understand, you see…
They have gained a queen, but I have lost my heart.
It hurts, like a knife twisting in my flesh. But I know it must be so. For the sake of your kingdom, no, empire, it has to be.
The gods make fools of those who love.
"What is wrong?"
"You are very quiet tonight."
A long silence, then a sigh. "You will not leave me alone until I tell you."
A chuckle. "You know me so well…"
A calloused hand drifting gently over brown hair… tracing a scarred cheekbone gently… Waiting…
The hand stills, a warm spot on cool skin.
"What about her?"
"I… Never mind."
"Are you jealous?" The voice is light, almost teasing.
"And what if I am?"
Strong arms, encircling, hugging, comforting. "She will never replace you, if that is what you fear. I can never love another the way I love you."
Perhaps, just perhaps, that promise would be enough to live on.
Promises never kept anyone warm. Nor memories.
It is your wedding night. And I am by myself. It is definitely not the first time we have spent a night apart, but it is the first time I feel that you are slipping away from me.
I fear that I am losing you, have lost you. Last night is now a bittersweet memory, and when tomorrow comes, you will no longer be the boy I know, the one I love…
You once said that your father told you, to be a king, you had to hurt those you loved. How we laughed then. If you loved someone, how could you bear to hurt them? We were fools. Now, my heart is breaking as you bind yourself to another. Not me.
No longer me.
I found it when we were in Egypt. I remember, it was a hot day, the Sun was reflecting off your hair, and the sight was almost as blinding as the array of brassware laid out along the streets.
We were wandering around the bazaar together. Something caught your attention, I cannot remember what. I was alone when it caught my eye.
A simple stone, really. Dull to the eye, but the setting was exquisite. I picked it up, ignoring the merchant's inane babblings of "such a lovely piece, my Lord has a good eye for jewellery". I held it up, and it caught the light. From a dull brown, it sprang to life, a warm hue of amber. Just the colour alone would have kept a man warm in winter.
It reminded me of you, how you seem so ordinary on the outside, how people overlook you if they do not know you. But inside, you are filled with a river of fire. Always burning so brightly, your passion so contagious.
I bought it. The price was outrageous, but I refused to haggle. You came back then, and asked me if I had seen anything I wanted. I had just tucked it away, and I meant to make you a present of it someday, so I just smiled enigmatically at you. We never needed many words to communicate. You laughed and dragged me off to see the animals.
My boy, who had to grow up too fast.
When I gave you the ring I bought in Egypt, I said that you reminded me of the Sun. Blazing glory, burning those who venture too near, yet the very essence of life. As the trees grow, stretching to touch that irresistible ball of fire, so I am drawn to you.
Such a fool, to think that you would always be mine and mine alone. Never to share with others.
Mine to hold.
Mine to love.
But your heart is too big. And mine too selfish.
I would cry, if I could. But the tears refuse to come. They are frozen within me, a lump in my throat that chokes me. A band around my chest that constricts mercilessly with each breath.
Tonight, I will suffer in silence. Tonight, I will give in to the grief that overwhelms me. Tonight, I will try to forget that I loved you, and love you still.
And when tomorrow dawns, when I see you and the sheet from the wedding bed, I will smile and nod and cheer like the rest. I will not let you see my red eyes. I will not let you see the pain that grips me. I will be happy, for your sake. I will not… I will not…
I will not wish that I want you here with me now.
I grip the windowsill tightly. My fingers go numb as I try to fight the feelings swirling within me, threatening to break through and break me down. I should not have gone to the wedding chamber just now. I should not have given in to my urge to see you one last time, before you gave yourself to another.
But I wanted assurance. I wanted to give you the ring. The one I bought because it reminded me of you. I wanted to know that you cared still. That you needed me.
I wanted to say goodbye, I think, but, why does it hurt so badly now?
The sound of the heavy door closing startles me. I turn around, only to find you creeping towards me in the half shadows. You grin sheepishly at me as I gape at you.
"What… what are you doing here? It is your wedding night, you fool!"
"I missed you."
My heart wrenches. I turn my back so you cannot see the conflicting emotions plaguing me.
I want but I cannot have.
I hoard but I cannot keep.
Your hand is on my shoulder, you grip is questioning, even if you do not speak. By Zeus, do you have any idea how you are making me feel now?
"Go back. Go back to your wife, Alexander. It is your duty."
"I have already done my duty by her, I want to spend the rest of the night with you."
My resolve is crumbling. Yes, I admit, I wanted you to come to me tonight, this night of all nights. I wanted you to prove that I would always be first in your heart, wife or no wife. I want you to hold me close, forever, never let me go. I –
Oh gods, I think I want too much.
"If you want me to leave, I will go."
Your hand slips off my shoulder, and I can almost feel your warmth departing as you back away. I whirl around, reaching out to grasp your sleeve too tightly. I can feel my hand shaking slightly.
You pull me into a hug, a tight embrace, our bodies fit perfectly. "Please, do not push me away." Words whispered harshly against my neck.
"I never will. Not again."
A chuckle that sounds like you, too, are fighting tears. You lift your head and pull me closer for a long kiss. An eternity later, we break apart for air, and you remark, "Now, where were we before we were interrupted just now?"
Moonlight on skin.
That is how I like to remember you best. This is how I will remember you when you are not here to warm my bed, or when I am not there to warm yours.
I trace the scratches on your chest lightly. They are barely visible, and I suppose they should bother me, but I am past caring. After all, you are here with me, not her.
You rub playfully at my frown, and then draw my hand away to kiss it. I look up at you and smile.
"A wild one you have wed, Alexander."
"Spice is good, every so often. But it can never replace the taste of wine."
"I love you, Alexander."
"I love you, Hephaistion."
Author's notes: I haven't written this much angst in a long time… And I actually prefer Bagoas to Hephaistion for the reason that he's… prettier. ((cheesy grin)) But hey, anything that makes Alexander happy. XD
Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed it, please review!