Know My Name is Lost
Summary: An old hermit thinks back on his life and evaluates his failures both as a Master and a padawan. Set Inter-trilogy. Oneshot. Spoilers from Ep III.
Disclaimer: I don't own any Star Wars characters, locations, merchandise or even any DVDs. The title and quote are taken from (The Tragedy of) King Lear by William Shakespeare. Beautiful play, I recommend it to anyone who loves a good tragedy.
A/N: I'm sorry if this idea is similar to anyone else's. It just wouldn't leave me alone!! As always, reviews, criticisms, flames, congratulatory chocolates are all appreciated. Thanks again to my great beta, couldn't have done it without you :)
"Know my name is lost
By treason's tooth bare-gawn and canker-bit;
Yet am I noble as the adversary I come to cope"
Edgar, Act 5, Scene 3, p 157-158, l 121-124, the Tragedy of King Lear
Know my name is lost. But alas, it floats momentarily amongst the tattered dreams that plague me night after night, taunting me. It calls to me, whispers to me and reminds me of a time when a proud Republic stood under the protection of the Jedi Order. That name mocks me, taunts me, and beckons to me. Yet I do not know what it is.
It is not the name of a hero, of a glorified Jedi Knight whose past lies within the cruel restraints of a tragedy felt by an entire galaxy. It is reminiscent of a time where freedom ruled, where life was simple yet intoxicating and where I was between the failures that shaped my tragic life.
Its letters form onto my tongue and are spat out like the deadliest poison.
Poison to the memory of a great Jedi Master.
My Master. My friend. Long dead by now, by the hands of a Sith. Or possibly by the failures of the man who once carried the vanished name I refuse to speak or remember. The memory replays in my mind a thousand times over and all I see is the failure of that nameless man. He fails to make it in time. This young, foolish padawan stands by and watches helplessly as his master is struck down by that haunting red lightsaber. Oh, but then that rush of energy. The Force.
And the anger.
That hypocritical nameless boy, wielding that padawan lightsaber in the shrill hope of avenging the untimely demise of his Master. Using the anger that pulsated through his veins. And alas, victory.
But at what price?
Obey his Master's wishes. Obey his Master, even at the door of death. So easily could he have declined.
Train the boy. Train the boy. Train that little, innocent boy.
I was just a Padawan myself, torn away from the security being with my Master in an act of pure, unadulterated tragedy. How could I train the boy? But nevertheless, I agreed.
I stupidly agreed.
I did in the name of Master Qui-Gon Jinn. I was to train the boy; Anakin Skywalker. I remember looking down at him that day on Naboo. His heart was so full, his face a reflection of the inner turmoil I was feeling.
Train the boy.
I tried, Master Jinn. I truly did try. I wanted Anakin to become that boy you have proclaimed him to be. I wanted to bathe in the legacy you had left behind. The had to be the Chosen One. And I was the one responsible for him.
I'm not sure he ever knew though. I had loved him. I had loved him so much, dammit. He had been my true companion ever since he had become my apprentice, and I his master. He was the son…the brother I never had. He had been there fighting beside me for the longest time.
Train the boy.
I became selfish, Master Jinn. I failed Anakin. If only I had recognised the fiery need for emotion in him, maybe I could have saved him. The Jedi order forbade most types of external human interaction. He had been torn away from his mother, his friends and certainly I never showed him the true affection I had felt in my heart.
I wish I had known how to handle him, Master. He become too reckless, never caring about the genuine wisdom I had passed down onto him. It tore at my heart, but of course as a Jedi, I could never had shown it. I was to remain calm and certainly in control at all times.
Perhaps it was this in itself that attributed to the cause of Anakin's downfall. I can still remember that day so clearly in my mind. I heard the screams and cries of the younglings as my former apprentice cruelly stole away their lives. They had looked up to him, worshipped him and hoped that one day, maybe he would have taken them on as an apprentice. He was their god. And he slaughtered them all. One by one. He had smiled when the young blood spilt onto the temple floor.
I felt their pain that day. And one thought had crossed my mind; maybe Qui-Gon Jinn had been wrong. Maybe I had been wrong.
I had persuaded his young bride to reveal his whereabouts to me. I thought it was best that I, the Master he had once had, end it. Maybe it was because I felt it was my mistake to fix. Or maybe because I was one of the only two Jedi left.
Whatever it was had landed me face to face with Anakin.
A Sith apprentice. A fallen Jedi. The face of pure evil. His eyes had glowed yellow. His voice, low. I felt the hatred emanating from his body. And felt the Force flow through it. It had not been easy that day.
I fought the man I had loved as a child. I fought him hard and with only one purpose: to kill him. I fought him stronger than I had Darth Maul that fateful day my Master died. Until the zenith of our fight, and he had carelessly dropped into the volcano that stood behind our battle ground.
I did not feel relief that day. I felt empty, hollow. Sorrowful. I had killed the Chosen One.
I had failed.
I had failed again.
Memories of the funeral pyre of a brilliant Jedi Master and a scared and anxious little boy flew through my mind. The many fights we had fought, standing side by side. Together. Moving as one.
I had failed.
I am sorry Master.
I am sorry padawan.
I can only pray I do not fail again. I will redeem myself as I watch here from a distance, another young boy. I can feel his Force signature full and true as I watch down upon him and his family again today.
I may have failed twice but I cannot do it again.
I am truly sorry.
Know my name is lost.
But maybe one day, I will be worthy enough to be known by it once again.