I do not have any rights, ownerships, or permissions of any or all owners/rights holders of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
When Misato Katsuragi got home from a very long, very boring shift at NERV, she had several expectations. Namely, in no particular order, to eat dinner (usually prepared by Shinji) to hear some form of argument between Shinji and Asuka, and to get drunk.
This was the routine, and it rarely varied. It was a steady, unchanging rock of a happening. So, when she walked through the door, announcing her arrival with the cracking open of a beer, a quick chugging, and the loud cry that usually followed, she was a little surprised to find that Asuka was nowhere in sight, and that Shinji and Rei of all people were sitting next to each other on the couch, watching TV.
Ah ha! Prime teasing material! Misato was never one to let such an easy opportunity go to waste.
"Hey, Shinji! What's Rei doing over here? Is she your new girlfriend? I guess you like the quiet type!" And here comes the blushing, the stammering, the nervous denials.
"Uhhhhh… No. Huh huh huh."
In a perfectly flat voice. And the laughter was just weird.
Misato's facefault carried her straight into the floor.
"Cool," said Rei. "She fell down. Heh heh heh."
"Huh huh huh," laughed Shinji.
"Heh heh heh heh heh."
"Huh huh huh huh huh."
Their bizarre laughter carried on until Misato managed to bring herself back up to her feet, ignoring the forming bruise on her forehead. "Are you two feeling alright?" she asked, rubbing at her head.
"Uhhhhh… yeah," said Shinji.
"Like, what's with all the questions?" asked Rei.
Feeling increasingly paranoid with each passing second, Misato said, "Well, I'm a little concerned about you two. You're acting… kind of strange (really strange), and I just wanto make sure you're alright, since I am your guardian, Shinji."
"Heh heh heh heh heh… fire… fire… fiiiiirrrrrrre," declared Rei, staring at the television.
Shinji promptly slapped her across the face. "Shut the fuck up. Dammit, Rei, I can't hear the TV with you talking."
"OW! Quit fucking hitting me, you ass monkey!" Rei snapped into Shinji's face. "Don't make me kick your ass!"
"You couldn't kick my ass with a stick and two… uhhhhh… hands."
"I could too! Heh heh heh… dammit."
"Whoa. Check it out, Rei. That chick's crashed into the floor."
Misato, indeed, was faceplanted hard enough into the floor to have cracks trailing out into the kitchen.
"Let me see, Shinji. Wow… that probably, like, hurt, and stuff."
"Yeah. Huh huh huh… huh huh huh."
"Heh heh heh…"
Misato was on the verge of screaming. What the fuck was going on?
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!" she shrieked.
"Hey Shinji, look, she's got veins sticking out on her head."
"Whoa… cool. Huh huh huh…"
"Heh heh heh…"
Somewhere in her mind, the Major's brain remembered that she severely outranked both of the children, and that Rei always responded when she was asked. Drugs, Misato decided, had happened here.
"Have you or Pilot Ikari come into contact with any drugs, or foreign substances today?"
"No. WHOA, COOL!! CHECK IT OUT, SHINJI!! THERE'S FIRE ON THE TV!! FIRE!! FIRRRRE!! RAT-TA-TA-TA, TA-TA-TA!!" Rei's impersonation of a machine gun left Misato edging towards her room.
"Dammit, Rei, I said shut the fuck up." Shinji slapped Rei back and forth across the face seven times in a rapid fire motion.
"GODDAMMIT, SHINJI!! WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME, YOU TURD-BURGLER?!"
"Uhhhhh… cause you need, like, discipline, and I need to, uhhhh, administer it, or something."
"Oh, yeah… I forgot… heh heh heh…"
Misato's quest for the sanctuary of her bedroom was forgotten in the process of Shinji's superspeed backhandings. She stomped in front of the couch, yelling in Shinji's face. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T REPORT YOU THIS SECOND!!"
"Uhhhh… ok." Shinji said, staring at her blankly.
"And you, Rei! If I slapped you, wouldn't you defend yourself?!"
"Are you THREATENING ME?!"
Misato leaned back from the lunatic yell. "No… of-of course not…"
"Whoa… heh heh heh… check it out, Shinji… boing-oing-oing-oing-oing…"
Misato glanced down, and found that the cause of Rei's excited speech and wide-eyed staring was her own chest, starting to fall out of her shirt.
"Cool," declared Shinji. "I can see the top of the mountain, and it is good. Huh huh huh… huh huh huh…"
"Heh heh heh… boing-oing-oing-oing… heh heh heh…"
Misato stumbled backwards, tripping over her own feet, and crashed to the carpet. When she opened her eyes, Rei and Shinji towered over her, standing next to her head.
"Whoa… cool. She, like… fell. Huh huh huh…"
"Check it out, Shinji. I think she wants us, or something." Rei stared at Misato, a strange leer on her face. "So does this mean we're gonna do it now?"
Shinji kicked Rei's knee. "Dammit, Rei, if we're gonna do her, I'm gonna go first."
"No way! Heh heh heh… You always go first on everything! I get to do her first!"
"Uhhhh… let's just strip her. Whoever gets her panties off first can do her."
Misato's shocked immobility broke as soon as Rei's hand touched her leg. She ran for her room, screaming, and locking herself in.
"You were right, Ikari-kun. It was not more entertaining pretending to the Major than it was to Pilot Soryu." Rei's stoic face looked into Shinji's. "But I do not understand why."
A strange, unfamiliar look decorated Shinji Ikari's face. He was smiling. "That's alright, Rei. I know it's hard to understand what makes things funny. Do you want to try again?"
"Ok… let's find someone who would be a challenge. Misato and Asuka are both kinda of emotional, you know?"
"I didn't really hurt you, did I? I'm sorry."
"No, Ikari-kun. You did not harm me."
Shinji allowed himself another small smile. "Good."
"I believe I have identified a person you specified."
"You requested a person who would be more of a challenge. The most stable person I know of is Commander Ikari."
Shinji swallowed nervously. "F-Father? I don't…"
Rei turned to Shinji. "Is this insufficient? Do you require persuasion, such as when I suggested Pilot Soryu?"
Shinji blushed. "Well, Rei, I, uh… I mean…"
Shinji was promptly cut off as Rei kissed him lightly.
"O-ok. My father. We can try him."
Rei showed him that small smile that he knew he was the only one who ever saw it. Jeez, the things he did for his girlfriend, and it was just the same day she asked him out!
BWA HA HA HA HA!!
I must be in need of therapy. I thought this one up at work, and just had to write it. I heard one customer, just one, mention Beavis and Butthead, and this is what my mind comes up with.