Ashes doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh!

This is the beginning of a million... okay, about 20 little ficlets I'm writing for friends for Christmas. This one goes to Sarasusa (I believe she's Sarasumiga here on ) -- it actually wasn't as hard as it originally seemed to me. Thanks to Nenya and Hannah for helping out! :)

Assume it isn't wartime. And, um, think selective service army recruitment office? Just assume that I don't actually know what I'm talking about. nod And major thanks to Nenya, for making a comment that made this plot bunny make sense.

Also, apologies for this fic: I'm sorry to have twisted a somewhat-serious idea to humor, and for any historical/military/character inaccuracies. And, um, I'm sorry it blows. > On another note – our house was always full of jokes about the military – from "Air Force Intelligence," to speculations about the Navy – hence, there's a Navy joke not-so-cleverly hiding in there, just for nostalgia; sorry if it offends. ;;;;;

"I have a plan."

Kaiba snorted. "Many great catastrophes have started with those words."

Joey looked around him, shuddering at the chill in the Army recruiter's office. He'd been avoiding signing up for selective service for months – unfortunately, his father had caught on and... well, he hadn't been presented with much of a choice after that. The fact that he ended up there the same day as Kaiba was a complete coincidence. "Look, I don't want to go through with this, and..." He scanned the room again; it was fairly small – a desk in the corner, half a dozen other guys, three of them with military cuts already, what looked like a broom closet, and a door behind them marked 'Authorized Personnel Only'. "Perfect. Look, if you just trust me, I think..." He looked around, and leaned close enough to whisper, "...I think I can get us out of this."

Backing up, Kaiba looked down at the blond with a raised eyebrow. "Trust you? I don't trust people on command – least of all, you."

Joey tried not to growl, especially considering the company. Damn it! He didn't know anyone else, and he really didn't want to go through with this... "Fine," he seethed, "If you're that eager to sign up to be one of America's good ol' boys, that's fine, but – "

"Imbecile," Kaiba cut in, crossing his arms over his chest. "You think I'm here by choice? This is the last place I want to be."

And they always say there's a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Joey saw opportunity shining after all. "Me too – that's why I need you to trust me, just for ten minutes. Can you be that cooperative?"

They were in a deadlock for a moment; in the background the recruiter congratulated one boy, and began talking to another. "Fine," Kaiba conceded. "But if it doesn't work – "

"It will," Joey said. First... He reached behind him, testing the knob on the door – unlocked. At least they were trusting people (or perhaps just very disorganized). He caught Kaiba by the belt loop, only to have his hand slapped away. "Kaiba," Joey hissed softly. "Cooperative, remember?" He looked up to make sure the recruiter was busy – he was filling out some paperwork – before he tried again. With a small nod he got Kaiba's belt loop again, succeeding in dragging Kaiba into the little 'Authorized Personnel Only' room, leaving the door open just a crack. Joey looked around – just rickety old shelves filled with equipment. He turned to Kaiba and took a deep breath – just before he pounced, he muttered, "I'm more sorry about this than you could possibly know."

Kissing Kaiba went over much better than Joey had expected – Kaiba actually staggered at first, falling back into one of the shelves, before falling submissive under Joey's mouth. In fact, he played along like a real trooper, hands catching Joey by the hips and yanking him closer.

The commotion must have been loud enough, because Joey could hear the other men talking, and the scrape of the chair against the floor as the recruiter stood... He shifted, his mouth moving to Kaiba's neck, one hand popping open the button of his pants, slipping inside – after all, if he was going to put on a show, he was going to do it right. Kaiba wasn't doing too badly himself; he had his head tilted just right, and he moved accordingly against Joey's hand.

The door opened, shedding light on the situation, and Joey finally realized – about the same time as the recruiter (and three boys peeking in) – that he had Kaiba willingly pinned.

It wasn't hard to look shocked.

"Boys, are you... Uh..." The man cleared his throat, and finished somewhat weakly, "Are you here to sign up?"

"Yes," Kaiba said; Joey was surprised that he could even pull off cool and cocky with someone's hand down his pants. "We were just making use of the extra time. Do you need one of us now?"

"No," the recruiter replied; he turned, shooing the other three boys away. Joey felt sort of bad; he had expected the man to be burly and somewhat indignant, but he seemed genuinely flustered. "In fact... We here in the Army have a strict policy about this sort of thing... Maybe you should go. I'm sorry, boys. Maybe you can look into the Navy."

Maybe he was embarrassed, but Joey was glad to walk out of that building without 'Property of the US Army' stamped across his ass – even if he did have Kaiba by his side. "Well, see you around," He said, turning to head home –

"Not quite," Kaiba said, stopping him in his tracks. Joey turned to find that Kaiba seemed to be sizing him up. "We may have gotten out of there as you planned, but there are now seven people – eight, including yourself – who can go to the press and out me."

Joey's jaw dropped, and he fumbled for words – for once, he hadn't been trying to make Kaiba's life difficult, and he had! He wasn't sure if he was proud, or guilty. "I didn't think – "

"Of course you didn't," Kaiba said dismissively, shrugging. "But I did my part without a fuss, so I think you should as well."

"My part?"

"It's going to be a messy matter, and if I'm going to have my reputation tarnished, I'm not going to have 'common whore' added to the mud being slung."

Another moment passed; Kaiba looked... smug? Joey would almost think he was enjoying himself; he was indeed in his element: making people miserable. "What do you expect me to do about it?" Joey finally asked, sighing.

Kaiba grinned. "I expect you – that is, us, unfortunately – to play the role of a... somewhat normal couple until it all blows over, which you can start by getting in my car so we can discuss this privately."

"I... uh... we...?" Joey threw his hands up. If he didn't feel guilty, if Kaiba hadn't trusted him first, and if it hadn't been kind of fun to kiss Kaiba, he might've said no. "Fine." He began to follow Kaiba, pride somewhat wounded. For good measure, he added, "But if you wanted me to follow you home, you could've just asked."

"You're that easy, huh?"

They were getting in the car when Joey realized what Kaiba was implying. "Hey! I'm not, I just – "

"Hopeless," Kaiba finished. "Get in the car."

"Kaiba..." Joey growled, hand gripping the top of the open car door. "I don't need this – you do."

Kaiba smirked at him, raising one eyebrow. "Oh? Then you'd like to go inside and tell your new friend that it was all a hoax?"

Point. Joey sighed and got into the car. He was beginning to wonder which was worse – 'Property of the US Army' or 'Property of Seto Kaiba'.