Standard Disclaimer

Yup I've done all I wanted with this story and its time to ring it in. Hope you enjoyed this story regardless of the darker subject matter. As I said before this story is about love, all the different types of love. Some of you might not like this ending but I wanted it this way.

Thanks for all the reviews and comments


A Past to Forget

Chapter -21

Standing on the sterile cold ground, looking down at the weathered marker that stood as the last reminder of the soul who it was named after, they couldn't help but think about how it all turned out fifteen years ago. "You deserved better than this," they said to the grave stone. Many years had passed since the body was laid to rest, those who watched prayed that in death rest was actually given but watched unknowingly.

Back during what was now know as the Angel War nobody expected the events that unfolded that lead to this path. Cold dead earth and a life lost forever. "You deserved much better," they said again as they laid down a bouquet of flowers and brushed away the remains of the last dried up remains.

Cleaning the marker, remembering the good times, the bad, and the last few moments they knew the dead a stray tear trickled down. "I'll see you again next year. I hope you're watching over us and happy." Standing tall, not once looking back at the sad reminder of times past, headed to the car that was waiting for them and headed home.


Sitting on her bed, Misato stared blankly out at her wall. Two months of avoiding Shinji, avoiding Asuka, and hell avoiding everything she could Misato was tired. So very tired of everything now. A note to her side was the nail in the coffin that was her career. "Guess Ritsuko finally got pressured into telling," she murmured as she slowly rotated her head to look at the short memo again.

It was the official memorandum signed by Gendo Ikari that stated she was demoted. Hell she wasn't even officially a part of Nerv now. Reading the first line aloud Misato felt her bowels loosen, "Due to the recently learned knowledge of your sexual abuse of Ikari Shinji the designated Third Child, you Katsuragi Misato have been demoted to private third rank. All privileges have been rescinded and you will be subject to continual surveillance until it is deemed unnecessary."

She laughed aloud at that. Misato knew the truth. She had been handed a death sentence, they just didn't know when they wanted to enforce it. She didn't blame Nerv for it either, she'd have ordered the same thing had she been in there shoes. A security risk needs to be dealt with as soon as possible. "Jokes on them though, they won't get the chance to kill me."

Looking down at her hands that were holding her service weapon so tight that her hands were white from the strain, Misato smiled. "I won't let them come up with some chump charge to spring on me." She knew what her crime was. She'd fallen in love with the wrong person, forced that love on him, took even more of his already tainted innocence. But she still loved him, that was never far from her mind.

He tried calling her after she nearly took him when she invited him over those two months ago. Shinji started off leaving daily messages on her phone, then weekly, and now it was sporadic. At Nerv she changed her shift to avoid seeing him, Maya was happy to oblige the change. "Bet she'll ask for the mission to be the one to put the bullet in my brain," Misato said to her gun. Up until Kaji had overheard Ritsuko and her talking, only the two women knew exactly how far Misato had taken things with Shinji. Now the whole organization knew.

"Fuck them, they couldn't possible understand how I feel for him," Misato growled as she turned the gun around and pointed it at her face. Shinji's face appeared in her mind, he was smiling, he was cooking, he was happy. It was all she wanted now, Shinji to be happy after what she did to him. Took him away from a pedophile, came to love him, then forced herself on him to steal the light and warmth he gave. A tear streaked down her cheek, "Guess this is goodbye my love."

Putting the pistol barrel in her mouth, teeth clenched on the cold metal, Misato closed her eyes. I took him for granted. I let my jealousy of loosing him blind me to reality, to what he really wanted and needed in life. Her finger itched towards the trigger. To her left was a picture she'd taken with Shinji after he first came to live with her, happier times, and a note saying Shinji was to be her sole beneficiary. It's so little but it's the best I can do.

Her finger tensed on the trigger, ready to pull it and send her brain across the wall exactly how Mizuho's life ended, not that Misato ever learned of it. I've lost everything. My job, my love, and if I don't do it somebody else will take my life. But something stayed her finger from giving her the sweet oblivion she wanted. Shinji's face continued to appear in her mind. Over and over again she saw him crying. Crying over her dead body, her casket, and she realized it. This isn't what he'd want. It's just my selfishness again.

Slowly the barrel was pulled out of her mouth, her teeth rang from the odd feel of grinding metal. Her hands going limp, the gun swirling on the finger that almost ended her life, Misato opened her eyes. She'd not take the cowards way out, she'd live as long as she could and do what she could to make her the man she loved life a happy one. "I might not be able to share in his life like I want to but I can damn well make sure he's happy like I want him to be."

Setting the gun down on the memo that basically ended any real career she had at Nerv, and for any good career for that matter as nobody hired child molesters and she was no officially listed in the world databases as one. Misato stood up and took stock of her room, littered with empty bottles of booze and she wrinkled her nose. "No more drinking. I've wallowed in my misery for to long and made him suffer for it." Pulling out her phone, Misato called Shinji. He wasn't answering, not surprising as it was past midnight but left him a message regardless.

"Sorry for ignoring you Shin-chan, how about we meet for some lunch tomorrow at that new Italian bistro my treat?" her smile was genuine even if nobody saw it. She hoped he'd show. If not she'd bear with what she created in shunning him as she did, to protect him from her. Closing the phone, Misato kissed the plastic device lovingly and headed out to take a shower.


Walking in the sun arm in arm with the boy that caused such a flurry of new sensations in her, Rei was the happiest she ever remembered being. "Would you like to get something to eat Shinji-kun?" she asked looking at the myriad of shops and eateries that lined the shopping arcade.

A slight rumbling in his stomach caused Shinji to smile and blush, "I guess we better. I didn't know I was so hungry." Scratching the back of his head he hoped his embarrassment would pass soon. "Did you have anything in mind?" he gazed deeply into her eyes searching for truth in them. In the two months he'd lived with Maya many things had happened to the young Ikari, many good few bad.

Rei continued to visit again and again he wondered why she didn't leave him for somebody cleaner. Her visits started off with just them talking with the occasional movie thrown in. Maya noticed the visits and smiled knowingly to herself at young love and in the knowledge that she had been right about the two of them. Lately Rei had been more active, holding his hand, linking arms, and just last night the pair had a fairly tame petting session. Rei wasn't disgusted with him and he didn't feel that his touch violated her.

The change in living conditions had been a breath of fresh air for him as well. He no longer had to do all the chores, Maya always supporting him emotionally in a way like an older sister, and Camo was just the more adorable little thing he'd ever seen. The problems though were growing like storm clouds waiting to burst and ruin everything. The front of the storm was Asuka and the driving wind was Misato.

In his heart, Shinji loved Misato beyond anything that words could try to convey. She saved him, took him in, cared for him before anybody else did. He would die for that woman, his love for Misato was something that the spark he felt for Rei could never compare. But he couldn't keep trying to reach her only to be denied. Each aborted call was a needle in his chest, every shift he had where he knew she was there but wouldn't see him a slap to the face. He voiced this to Maya to a small degree and all Maya did was say that it was for the best. He didn't agree.

The other problem in Shinji's life was more apparent, more violent, and slowly edging towards destruction. Asuka wasn't taking Shinji's absence in a good way. And unknown to the boy, Asuka was under the constant assault arranged by Rei. She watched the two at school on the few times she did go. Her comm. screen always had his face on it when at Nerv. She had to have her toy back, her body ached for his healing touch. And every time she saw Rei touch him, talk to him, or even look at him Asuka's hatred grew.

Spotting a new restaurant across the way, its banner being the Italian flag fluttered wildly in the breeze, Rei licked her lips. "I would like to try there if that is acceptable to you," she said pointing at the Bistro De Italiano. One of the new joys in Rei's life that Shinji introduced her to was food beyond lettuce and bread. "I heard the sauces they use are all vegetable based so I should have no qualms."

As his phone had been stolen, he thought lost, Shinji had no expectations of finding Misato waiting for him inside. "Sure I haven't made any Italian dishes since I mo…" his voice lost its power and his head drooped. His cooking had changed a lot since he moved out as well. No longer was he expected to pull off culinary works outside of his expertise. While it was easier on him to not have to cook for Asuka's palette it did limit what he made.

Sensing his spirits darken, Rei used one of the tricks she learned from her new hobby of reading on relationships. Pulling his arm close to her body, brushing lightly against her chest, Rei filled her vision with his face. "Do not feel sad. Things happen as they do for a reason." His sad face was something Rei despised, wanted him happy, and the memories of that damnable apartment perpetuated his sadness. But I've been enacting his revenge for him against Soryu. Soon she well know what I have endured for so long.

Trying his best to smile through his bitter memories, Shinji opened the door for the girl that many were suspecting was his girlfriend. "You're right. I bet things are going well for them," he lied. The last he saw of Asuka the German looked ready to jump him and drag him to an alley to have her way with him. Her hair was unkempt and flat and her face was pale and drawn. Walking inside after Rei thanked him, Shinji's body came to a complete stop. "Misato-san?"

Her head perked up off the table, she'd believed Shinji had chosen not to come, Misato's heart leapt in her chest. "Shin-chan you came!" She saw him walking towards her, noticed Rei behind him with a disproving look on her face but didn't care, and she smiled warmly at the boy. "I guess you brought company for our little dinner date."

"Date? What are you talking about Misato-san?" he asked unable to keep the smile off his face. Rei too noticed this and felt a pang of jealousy in her chest. But for what she knew of him, Rei knew that Misato would always hold some place in his heart even if she had done such things to him. Things that Rei wondered if they would ever to together, and at night fantasized about after she left him.

Her brow scrunching in confusion, nose wrinkled, Misato tilted her head, "You didn't get my message? I left it about midnight so I was sure you would have…" she trailed off. The memory of what she was about to do before she called him laced her with shame at her own cowardice.

Laughing a little as he pulled the only other chair out for Rei to sit in and reaching for another chair from a nearby table, Shinji sat down as well. "I lost my phone about a month ago, why I stopped calling you." He scratched his nose and took a tertiary glance at Rei hoping she wasn't upset at his admission. She looked as composed as usual though Shinji wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Taking the hand Shinji hand on the table in hers, Misato gave it a squeeze and felt how warm it was. "That's a shame. Well we have a lot of catching up to do. And by the look on Ayanami-chan's face you two have some good news for me right?" Her smile never faulted regardless of the pain in her chest. She loved him and here he was with another girl, one his own age, one he COULD live a life with, and it hurt so much she wanted to break down. But not now, she'd make sure that Rei made Shinji happy and if the albino failed Misato would see that Shinji found somebody else. I can make my amends to him this way.

Blushing at her comment, but Shinji and Rei shared a glance before the waiter came over and handed them menus.


Walking down the hall towards her old apartment as the diners made their orders, Asuka's eyes twitched with a certain detachment. She had not been back to Misato's apartment since she found that Shinji had been there and left a plate of food for her. In her eyes Misato had driven him away from her, chosen to side with the First Child in an attempt to take what was hers. Everybody was against her except him now. She knew it as a fact.

Hikari had chosen the Bitch over her after the war of words started. When Hikari had her pulled out of the room by the false friends she had it was the death knell for their friendship. She had lied to Misato that night as well, claiming to be staying at Hikari's when in reality she was setting up a residency on base. Fuck Hikari for her actions, and fuck Misato for being the drunken lush she was.

Pulling Shinji's phone out of her pocket, Asuka flipped it open and listened to Misato's last message again. "Wonder if she's regretting siding with her now, she lost her chef and maid." Asuka smirked, despite living on base now Asuka hadn't heard any of the latest news. She was to busy reacting to Rei's war against her. All things that Asuka had used to support herself were being taken away.

Her friends were given audio tapes of Asuka talking to other girls slamming them. They didn't talk to the German anymore. Hikari was stripped away from her because of allegiance. Some of the boys got anonymous photos of Asuka taken from the hidden cameras in the girls shower room at Nerv causing her to have to defend her dignity and pride. And this morning Asuka received Rei's latest package. Photos of Kaji wooing the many female employees of Nerv, and a DVD of him having sex with a number of them, crushing Asuka's dream of a chance with the man. His image was tarnished and destroyed.

Knocking on the door to the apartment, just to make sure she was gone, Asuka tapped her foot and envisioned Rei's face. "She did all of this too me, just to take what was mine. To save herself from the pathetic hole of a life she lives. Well lets just see how she reacts to this." She no longer had to speculate that it was Rei setting her up, the Albino sent a signed letter with the pictures and tapes of Kaji with a PS stating 'soon it will be Shinji-kun and I in such an embrace.'

Rei didn't fear Asuka any longer, having watched the German deteriorate and fall apart before her very eyes. Rei doubted that Asuka had the strength to do anything save slink away and hide. All the eyes that saw her now were either hateful or lustful, and left her no solace. Rei figured Asuka was either broken or close enough to it that she no longer needed fear her. She was wrong.

Opening the apartment door with her still working key, Asuka stepped into her hold home. "Place was always too small for my tastes anyway," she said to herself as she walked further in, not bothering to take her shoes off. She wasn't going to stay long anyway.

The stale air stung her senses, rancid food in the garbage, made her want to leave all the faster. Going into her room she rummaged through her cloths. Putting on her yellow sundress and kicking off her panties, Asuka's plan was simple. Find Shinji or Rei. If she found Rei beat her down so badly that even Nerv couldn't fix her. If it was Shinji, well her itch had grown so bad it was an earthquake ready to go off. She'd ravish him so long that he'd follow her anywhere. She'd have to hurt him a little after that, remind him of his place and punish him for his disobedience but he loved her so it was ok.

"Yes he loves me I see it in his eyes at school. She may make him act different in public but I know the truth. The truth." She smiled widely at her words. "Maybe some lavender perfume too," Misato had told her she was too young for it but to hell with Misato's words. Primping her hair in her mirror, Asuka turned and walked out of her room for what she expected was the last time and entered Misato's.

Sneering as the lingering scent of alcohol hung in the room like a cloud, Asuka headed right for Misato's dresser. "Always so prim and proper with the big shots and Nerv. Hell if they knew now depraved she was I bet they'd fire her." She didn't know how right she was. Splashing the sweet smelling water on her hands and rubbing it against her neck, Asuka noticed Misato's gun and several papers on her bed. "The hell is that?"

Dropping the bottle of perfume to the ground, spilling over onto some of Misato's discarded cloths, she walked to the futon and knelt down. "Picture of Shinji?" she questioned the first thing she saw. Picked up the gun and hefted it in her hand, "lighter than I thought it'd be." While she had firearms practice in her Eva the real thing was far lighter than she had believed it'd be. Finally she saw the memo addressed to Misato.

Reading it fast the first time, Asuka stopped part way through and started again this time much slower. As she ingested the last few words, Asuka's world turned red. Her vision was a haze of red and her mind shut down. "She…Misato fuc-…MY Shinji! This is all HER fault too! Both of them!" Grabbing Misato's gun and sliding it into her purse, Asuka stood up with a grime resolve and for a moment her conscious rebelled at her. Told her to think about what she was doing, what she was planning. Stopping at the door Asuka did contemplate it for just one moment.

Then the image of her toy being used by Misato with Rei watching from the side entered her mind and Asuka silenced her conscious and headed to where she knew the ones that needed to suffer were.


As the waiter took their plates away, Misato couldn't help but notice the happiness exuding from Shinji. If I'd pulled that trigger he wouldn't be looking this happy would he? She really doubted it. Rei had even looked happier to her, and why not? She had a good man on her side, one that wouldn't treat her like a lesser creature but as an equal. "So things at Maya's are good then?"

Sipping his soda, Shinji didn't know how to respond. He really did like living at Maya's but how could he tell Misato that? She had been the first to take him in, and had done so much for him. If he said he liked living at Maya's wouldn't that be a form of betrayal? "I-um…"

"Don't worry Shinji I'm not going to be mad if you're happy. Tell me," Misato said again as she put her hand on his hoping to calm herself as well as him.

Rei watched everything silently. The whole meal she hadn't said a word, just observed the two talking. The jealous twinge in her died a lot as Misato spoke a lot in past tense about them, showed no sign of wanting to try it again or get Shinji to live with her again. But at the mentioning of Maya's apartment she could feel her heart clenching in her chest. What if he does move back in with her?

Pulling his eyes off Misato for the first time since after they finished eating, Shinji nodded softly. "Maya's been really nice to me. I like it there. It's different than being with you and Asuka though." He hoped Misato wouldn't take that the wrong way.

She didn't, but she knew that what he meant was partially what she feared. He wasn't being used as some living sex doll or a slave. Maya had been right all along and she just couldn't see past her own ego and later her heart to see the truth. "I'm glad to hear that Shinji, really I am. I want you happy. Both of you happy I guess," her eyes wondered over to Rei and smiled at her eliciting a blush from the girl.

"Thank you Katsuragi-san," Rei said in hushed tones. Knowing that the woman's fate was dire, Rei was unsure of how to really react. She knew that Misato had slept with Shinji and hated her for it. But it appears that she has either come to her senses or has changed her outlook on things. Holding Shinji's other hand, under the table where Misato couldn't see, she felt his hand tighten as they talked.

Twirling the wine in her glass around, a light wine that was hardly anything alcoholic at all, Misato nodded to her own internal logic. That what she was doing now was the best she could hope for. Love from afar, supporting and nurturing, and pray that he recovered from not only Mizuho's abuse but Asuka's and her own as well. "Well you two I guess I should be heading in to the base." She pushed her chair out and stood up. If they don't kill me outright you two I'll see to it that you live happily. Shinji to make amends and to show you the feelings I wish to, Rei because you hold a spot in his heart I wish I could have filled.

Following Misato's queue the teenage pair stood as well and started following Misato out of the bistro. "Thanks for calling me Misato. I was worried that you were upset with me. I know that…things can't go back to how they were but I still want to talk to you. Know that you're alright," Shinji smile was bittersweet and his eyes were moist. He knew something had happened lately on base, mostly because of how Maya had reacted whenever he would mention Misato's name. "Stay in touch from now on ok?"

Rei put her hand on Shinji's shoulder, feeling his emotions in his words, "Yes Katsuragi-san, your presence is something important." Not to her but to Shinji and that was what mattered to her. Seeing Misato nod her head and turn away quickly, Rei wouldn't have doubted that her eyes were red now as well.

Stepping out into the perpetual summer air, the trio let the heat wash over them. Heading towards her car, it was Misato that spotted Asuka first. "Hey Asuka, what are you doing here?" she noticed that something was off with the girl's complexion.

Rounding out of the door behind Misato, both Shinji and Rei saw Asuka grinning at them all. "Asuka…how…are you?" Shinji asked as another pain struck his chest. He had wanted to talk to Asuka alone for some time. Rei had successfully acted as a deterrent from keeping them apart without his knowing it but it didn't quell his hope. His hope that they could be friends again, he'd no longer touch her in the way he had because he wanted her to get better. He loved her as a sister, as a friend, and it pained him to think his submissive nature had hurt her.

"Isn't this just to perfect," Asuka started, eyes going wide. In seeing all three of them together Asuka's greatest fear was unleashed and given wings. "I didn't think it was true. That the drunken bitch was also a cradle robber and that the doll was so manipulative but live and learn right."

Misato took a step forward, Asuka's voice was worrying her. Something was unhinged about it, "Asuka are you ok?"

"I'm better than ok bitch, I'm in fucking Heaven and its time for my just rewards!" Asuka yelled as to took several steps back in reaction to Misato. Reaching into her bag, Asuka felt the cold metal warm against her hand. THEIR FAULT! Her mind screamed as she saw Misato and Rei lean in closer to Shinji. Well he was my toy first so you two can fuck off!

"Soryu I think that," Rei started to say but her eyes widened and her mouth opened in an voiceless gasp as Asuka let her purse drop to the ground revealing Misato's gun. Frozen in place Rei just took full scope of the situation. Misato was a few yards ahead of the two of them, Shinji and her. Asuka had a gun pointed skyward and her eyes unfocused and glazed.

The next five seconds happened so fast and so slow that each millisecond was seared into their minds. Misato watched as Asuka leveled her weapon and in the split second she saw who was targeted knew what she had to do. Asuka had Shinji square in her site, she aimed to kill him to keep him for herself, likely kill herself after. Pushing off her car, Misato knew she couldn't get to Asuka before she fired but she could get to Shinji.

The shot was fired, roaring in the small confines of the shopping arcade, Misato didn't even feel the pain. She looked down, Shinji lying on the ground where she threw him, her chest had a small red hole that was growing. Her body felt cold. The shot had pierced her back and then her left lung before fleeing her body and crushing into a wall. Falling and twisting due to the force of the impact Misato saw people rushing Asuka and pulling the gun from her hand.

Her vision started to fade, a long black tunnel leaded up to her world. She saw Shinji looking down at her, tears in his eyes. He was saying something but she couldn't hear him. She had wanted to caresses his cheek, tell him everything was ok, just like in the movies but her body had no energy left. She died wrapped in Shinji's arms, a smile on her face.


After Misato's death things happened in rapid pace. Asuka was confined in a cell in the Nerv brig right next to Kensuke where the doctors said she'd get treatment after the Angel's left. Hikari was selected to be her replacement.

Maya consoled the grieving Ikari with the steady assistance of Ayanami Rei. Shinji recovered but slowly, Rei's affection helping to wash away most of his pain, until Ritsuko destroyed what the two had.

Broken by Gendo's betrayal of her to SEELE, Ritsuko moved to have her revenge. She brought both Shinji and Rei to terminal dogma where Rei was informed that she was genetically Shinji's sister and proceeded to destroy all the remaining clones. After which Rei and Shinji avoided each other for several months, unable to look in the eye of their sibling with whom they had shared a bed once. Rei would later look back on her life and still claim her first time with Shinji was the most passionate and loving lovemaking session in her life.

It was Hikari that aided Shinji through that pain, Rei coming back later ready and able to play the role as a sister. Maya let her move in after Gendo's murder at the hands of Ritsuko Akagi.

The angels continued to attack but with the pied piper dead, Fuyutsuki was in control and had no intention of enacting the Human Instrumentality Project. The last angel never appeared, SEELE's lab destroyed by the data Kaji leaked to the world governments, mostly to avenge Misato's death and later disgrace.

Receiving large sums of money for their work and suffering from the Angel Wars, Shinji and Hikari Ikari had more than enough money to live happily off of. Shinji receiving therapy for his past, Hikari and Rei supporting him all the while Maya continued to offer them all the best she could.

But every year on the anniversary of her death, Shinji would go to Misato's grave and place her favorite flowers. Misato had been and remained the truest love of his life, Hikari as a lover and Rei as a sister were close but not the same. What he had for Misato went beyond man and woman, mother and child, it went beyond any concept that people who hadn't suffered like Shinji could understand.

Hikari had no problem naming their first daughter after the fallen captain. While he couldn't change it, Shinji's past was no longer driving his life. Misato's sacrifice had not been made in vain. He would cherish his life and his family, love them like he knew Misato loved him and as his mother had.

He would live with her memory in his heart until he died.


Author notes.

Its over. Hope you liked it. The end was a mixture of happy/sad hope you don't think it was a cope out.

Oh and I have a confession to all of you that stayed with me for this train wreck of a story.

Mercaba actually doesn't exist, this whole thing, start to finish was written by me Zentrodie.

I wanted to try a more adult story and didn't want people to read it as 'just another of Zentrodie's stories' I wanted fresh and unbiased reviews.

Sorry for the deception and I hope you enjoyed this journey into the darker parts of my mind.


For those of you that are upset with the 'rushed' feeling of the ending know this. Where I have Misato die was actually where I wanted to end this story. To me the story was more about Shinji's interaction with Misato so to drag it out further after her death seemed to me to cheapen it. I could have continued one with a few more chapters but it wouldn't have the feel that I wanted. Things would have been to happy, to light hearted, and I felt that would lower how the emotions I wanted to convey. Sorry if you think I took the cheap way out with those last few paragraphs but know this, you're fortunate to get what I did put. I still think the epilogue was a little to light hearted and that Hikari came out of left field, but both of them suffered for misplaced love, both of them had some small feelings for one another, and she was there for him in a time when she herself needed somebody.

Again sorry if you feel cheated with this, but know its truly how I wanted it to end, I didn't rush it. Thank you for your time and for your support during this.

Ja Mata

Zentrodie (zentrodie-at-secondimpact-dot-com)