A/N: I KNOW, I KNOW! I'm taking such a long time to freakin update for a story so short. But I hope this chapter's long enough for you to "make up for lost time"...PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE READ AND REVIEW:)
Oh, and just in case you forgot-I don't own Harry Potter. You know why? YOU KNOW WHY? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on the top of my head.
George: (adjusting quill) Okay, we're back, Fred…
Fred: All righty, then! Harry, won't you finish your glass of water?
Harry: What's it to you?
Fred: I dunno, I thought you might want to drink it all…it'll be a WASTE of OUR money BUYING you THAT glass of water if YOU don't FINISH it.
Harry: The water's free here.
George: Just drink it all, dammit-! Oh, Carol-! (flirtatious tone comes back again)…what are you doing here again?
Carol: Taking away your plates, if you're done with them. (Fred, George, and Harry all hand her their plates) (Luna dreamily gazing out the window, fork almost to her mouth, still not done eating)
Fred: (shakes his head) Pathetic, George, simply pathetic.
George: Shut up.
Fred: Why d'ya fancy her anyway? Her face looks like an arse-
George: WHAT DID YOU SAY!
Luna: You two fight a lot.
Fred: No, we don't.
George: Yes, we do.
Fred: Shut up.
George: Well, we DID have a scuffle ten seconds ago-
Fred: Just shut up.
George: No, YOU shut up and stop telling ME to shut up. Hey Harry, wanna see pictures of a VERY interesting Christmas-
Fred: OH NO YOU DON'T-!
Carol: (heads over to table)
Fred/George: (compose themselves)
George: (panting a little, but tone immediately becomes flirtatious) Carol…are…you here to…er…ask me…something?
George: Then it's YES! Of course I will. What about next ni-
Carol: Really? I was going to ask you if you wanted to be kicked out of here. You're disturbing the other customers.
George: (crestfallen) (embarrassed) (Fred sniggering) Oh, well…er…that won't be necessary.
Carol: Okay then. Try to keep it down, won't you? (leaves)
Luna: You like Carol, don't you?
Harry: Isn't it obvious?
George: Shut up.
Luna: She lives down the street from me, and it's not a good idea to be fancying someone like that, especially since she's the daughter of an evil wizard that calls himself Lord Smigoffus. He's the next You-Know-Who, you know, and I know for a fact that he's breeding Flakyfloguluses to take over the world, and Carol is most likely helping him-
George: WHAT? (Fred sniggering again)
Luna: I'm just telling you the facts; you really must look out for any signs of a Flakyflogulus when you are around Carol.
Luna: Oh, pass me the salt, will you George? You know, if you leave salt on the lee side of a rock during full moon, a Snorkack will come around looking for a mate…(looks thoughtfully at saltshaker) But what would happen if you leave pepper instead? Maybe the Snorkack will look for a fight…the possibilities of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks! Isn't it fascinating, Harry?
Fred: (abruptly changes subject) So how about that glass of water, Harry?
Harry: (looking suspicious) Why do you care so much about my glass of water?
Fred: Can't a mate look out for the Boy Who Lived? Wouldn't want you to be getting dehydrated, now.
Harry: Okay, whatever. (drinks the glass of water) Happy?
Fred: (grinning) Absolutely.
Harry: (moans) (clutches stomach) (rushes to the bathroom)
(Fred and George laughing hysterically)
George: The Instant Laxative Powder was a success!
Fred: Ok, now that Harry's out of the way-time for independent interviews! We'll be asking you questions about Harry and stuff-
Luna: Couldn't you have just told him to wait outside?
George: Luna, Luna, Luna-it's just not our style. Besides, we've been looking for someone to test it out on-
Fred: What's done is done. So now…(shuffling cue cards)…the first question I would like to ask is…
George: Why do you love Harry?
Fred: (peevish) I knew it, it's just that I paused for dramatic effect.
Luna: (spacing out)
George: OI, LUNA!
Fred: Why do you love Harry?
Luna: (smiles vaguely) Because he loves me for me.
George: Could you be a little more specific, please? And a little less cheesy?
Luna: (looks at the saltshaker thoughtfully again) Harry's accepted me for the way I am, and I love him for that. I also love him because of the twitch in his eye when he's angry, the sweat on his brow when he's playing Quidditch, the flowers he gives me each morning…it's just all these little things, really, though I don't really fancy the flowers, but I do know that he plucks them from Mrs. Perkins's garden, and she has a particularly mean Crup, and knowing that he's risking getting bitten by that dog or worse, it's really quite nice of him, and that's why I appreciate the flowers.
Fred: Okay then…let's see…hold on a moment, I've nearly got it now-
George: 'Has Harry changed the way you think, act, look or feel?' (gets evil eye from Fred)
Luna: In some ways, yes. He's made me feel beautiful. He's made me stop daydreaming so much. You know, I've always daydreamed a lot ever since I was young. I had no friends, you know, so I made myself daydream so I wouldn't need any and thought up some imaginary ones. In fact, I had this one imaginary friend I called Nicoletta, who was the most terrible person. She always liked yanking on my hair when we were younger. "Gimme it!" she would say, because she had no hair herself, as I had forgotten imagine some up for her. Of course, I couldn't giveher my hair, so the only thing I could do was yelp, and that attracted a lot of stares in public. Finally I sent her away. I believe she's living comfortably in some faraway land where it's natural to be bald. I wrote her a letter three months ago; she's doing just fine. Well, I think she is. She hasn't given me a reply yet. (picks up saltshaker) I swear this saltshaker is looking at me.
Luna: I also came up with this odd little character-her name was Robert-and I'm afraid she didn't like having a boy's name so she'd always pull my hair, too. However, she did have a knack for talking to spoons-
George: All right, all right, enough with the imaginary friends. Now-
Fred: Hey, I'm supposed to be asking the all questions, remember?
George: Right. But you're bad about it, so I'll just go and-
Fred: Oh no you didn't-!
George: Don't make me kick your arse again-
Fred: We'd better not.
George: I second that.
George: (consults his cue cards) So, er, does Harry have any habits that particularly annoy you?
Luna: Well, sometimes I wish he would stop obsessing over Quidditch. A few nights ago we were snogging and were just about to-
George: (plugs his ears with his fingers) LALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOOOU-!
Fred: We don't want to hear about THAT, Luna. Just-
George: LALALALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHI-
Fred: SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, BY GEORGE! Hehe, I always wanted to say that. Ok, so anyway…continue, my dear Luna.
Luna: Well, me and Harry were snogging, and then he suddenly pulls away and says it's seven o' clock and that it was time for the Quidditch World Cup to air on the magic telly. Of course I was feeling a little let down, because-
George: Wait, let me guess! (produces thick, leather-bound book)I boughtthis book called Sad and Mad Witches, Make Them Glad Witches! in Diagon Alley. It's all about how to tell what women really are feeling and stuff like that. So, were you feeling "neglected because your spouse unintentionally chose an inanimate object/recreational activity/addicting but harmful vice over you during a private moment in which your perception of love was being conceived and shared only for your spouse to shatter your idea of perpetual love into pieces that will later make them scapegoats of your muted anger and their cool indifference?"
Luna: No. I was feeling rather disappointed because I wanted to watch a documentary on Crumple-Horned Snorkacks that night, but that too, I supppose.
George: I want a refund.
Fred: Whatever, George. Onto the next question, if you please.
George: Okay, er-(consults his cue cards again) Let's see…describe Harry in three words.
Luna: Brave…sexy, short-tempered.
Fred: I guess he's brave and all, and he's definitely short-tempered, but SEXY?
Luna: (smiles slyly) You don't know him like I do.
George: I kinda understand her point. Do you ever see the way the little dark wisps of his hair fall away from his perspiring brow while he lovingly grasps the Snitch with one tanned, muscular hand? Er-(notices Fred giving him a strange look) I mean-
Fred: Exactly how much of that book rubbed off on you?
George: (hastily changes the subject) On to the next the question! Luna, what is the most memorable thing about Harry's temperament?
Luna: Hmm…I can't seem to think of anything at the moment. Oh, wait! (rummages through her purse and pulls out a fuzzy green and orange striped stocking cap outlandishly decorated) (jams on ridiculous-looking hat) This will help me, I'm certain of it.
George: What the h-e-double broomsticks is THAT?
Luna: (beams) It's my Thinking Cap. I put it on whenever I run out of ideas.
Fred: Luna, why isit covered in…weird stuff?
Luna: (smiles proudly) I glued on the puffballs and buttons myself. Some of these pins mean something as well. This badge right here-(points at said badge)-I obtained it when I went into that broken telephone booth back in my 4th year with the others-which wasn't really broken after all, when you think about it-to rescue Stubby Boardman. It's kind of a souvenir, really, although it is rather too bad that I didn't get a chance to get the Pluto shards-
Fred: Oh, I see. (lying) Well, we mustn't dilly-dally any longer, so-
Luna: Oh, yes. (cluster of small silver bells looped onto tassel of cap clang loudly, drawing the attention of other diners, who stare curiously at the girl donning the peculiar garments) (Fred waves at them and winks) (They immediately turn back to whatever they were doing) Well, Harry does have a bit of a temper at times, so it leads him to trouble often enough. So I would have to say that his fit of pique would be most unforgettable.
George: So what you're basically saying is…he's the jealous type?
Luna: I couldn't say jealous…
Fred: I'm surprised.
Luna: I would have to say that would be the understatement of the world.
Fred: No I'm not.
Luna: He gets rather psycho on me every time someone he doesn't know of the male sex gets within three feet of me. Once I visited my cousin Perry and Harry came to escort me home-that was when he was still paranoid about Voldemort-and he Apparated right when Perry was hugging me farewell. The next thing you know, Harry had tackled Perry to the ground and was wrestling with him, yelling himself hoarse about betrayal and adultery-and of course, there were the thousands of questions he asked me afterwards about trust and loyalty such-and well, it took quite a while to sort that one out.
Fred/George: (chortle appreciatively)
George: Does Harry have any secrets you'd like to share with us?
Luna: Well…your mother sent Harry some cute pajamas she made herself several months ago with baby hippogriffs all over them and Harry's worn them to sleep ever since.
Fred/George: (double up in laughter) (really, though, they're practically in hysterics)
George: (gasping) R…really…? I thought…Harry said…he chucked them out…what a liar!
Luna: (oblivious to their laughter) He's really quite adorable when he's wearing them. In fact, I think I have pictures…(rummages through her purse) although really I was trying to photograph a few Gulping Plimpies at the time, for Daddy. But Harry kept getting in the way. But you can see them at Harry's shoulder, in the window-
Fred/George: (suddenly perk up)
Fred: Really? Pictures, you say?
George: Luna, if we ever say anything insulting to you ever again, remind us of your greatness.
Luna: (surveys them inquiringly) Well, I suppose I could do that. Here they are.
Would you like one?
Luna: I've no idea you were so interested in Gulping Plimpies. Would you like a Gurdyroot, just in case?
Fred: Er…no thanks, you've sent Ron about a thousand now; we'll ask him for one if we ever need it. (he and George commence to giggle like schoolgirls over the embarrassing photos of Harry and his baby hippogriff pajamas)
Luna: It's odd, I've never seen anybody so amused over a horde of Gulping Plimpies. Usually they're screaming their heads off.
Fred/George: (compose themselves)
Fred: (pockets secret weapon) Yes, well, thank you, Luna. Now, what's next? Oh yes, the questionnaire!
George: (whips it out) Here you go, Luna.
(the grilling begins)
How well do YOU (Luna) know Harry?
1. WHAT IS HIS HOBBY?
2. WHAT IS HIS FAVORITE DESSERT?
3. WHAT PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTE DO YOU POSSESS THAT HARRY FINDS ENTICING (I.E. TOTALLY HOT)?
4. WHAT ANNOYING HABIT DO YOU POSSESS THAT HARRY FINDS, WELL, ANNOYING?
5. WHAT CHEESY PICKUP LINE WOULD HE CHOOSE IF YOU-KNOW-WHO SOMEHOW RETURNED FROM THE DEAD AND FORCED HIM TO SAY ONE TO YOU?
6. WHAT WAS HARRY'S FIRST THOUGHT WHEN HE FOUND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? A) I AM SO HAPPY I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER! B) IS TODAY APRIL FOOL'S DAY BECAUSE THIS JOKE ISN'T FUNNY C) I CAN'T BELIEVE ENGLAND WON BY A POINT, LUCKY THAT THEY CAUGHT THE SNITCH ON TIMEORD) BLOODY HELL, I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
7. T OR F: HARRY BELIEVES IN CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACKS.
Answer to #1: Quidditch
Luna's answer was: Quidditch so her answer was: CORRECT
Luna's reaction: "I couldn't have got it wrong. Harry talks, plays, watches, and breathes Quidditch."
Answer to #2: Treacle fudge
Luna's answer was: Treacle fudge so her answer was: CORRECT
Luna's reaction: "I made him some for this birthday once. He could barely speak when I asked him how it tasted, so I assumed he must have really enjoyed it."
Answer to #3: Eyes
Luna's answer was: Eyes so her answer was: CORRECT
Luna's reaction: (serene smile)
Answer to #4: When I don't understand a word she's saying
Luna's answer was: When he doesn't understand a word I'm saying so her answer was: CORRECT
Luna's reaction: -blink-
Answer to #5: "Do you have a map? Because I'm lost in your eyes."
Luna's answer was: "Do you have a map? Because I'm lost in your eyes." So her answer was: CORRECT (man, how did she GET that?)
Luna's reaction: (pats her Thinking Cap lovingly)
Answer to #6: D
Luna's answer was: D so her answer was: CORRECT
Luna's reaction: "Mmm. I figured as much."
Answer to #7: F
Luna's answer was: T so her answer was: WRONG (man, how did she MISS that?)
Luna's reaction: (eyes blinking rapidly and voice has lost its dreamy quality) "Hmm. I certainly need to talk to Harry about this."
10 pts. for each CORRECT answer.
8 pts. for each BASICALLY RIGHT answer.
5 pts. for each EH… answer.
0 pts. for each WRONG answer.
Total Possible Points: 70 (100)
Luna's Total: 60 (85.7 percent)
George: Luna…are you, er, okay?
Luna: (the usual pale and tranquil eyes now blazing with anger) This is ridiculous, Harry not believing in Crumple-Horned Snorkacks! He told me just yesterday he did, after I asked him to join the Secret Society of Crumple-Horned Snorkack Devotees and Lovers I was initiating, but he said he had to file his nails, that they were getting a bit long and then he was gone before I had a chance to even blink an eye. I suppose it was some lame excuse he came up with at the spur of the moment. Well tell Harry that his dear wife told him to take his Firebolt and shove it up his-
Fred: (cuts in hastily) Okay, okay, we get the picture, Luna. We'll make sure to tell Harry that ah…interesting bit of advice, so calm down. Yeah, just like that. Nice, slow, even breaths.
Luna: (eyes return to normal tranquility and dreamy quality comes back to voice) Thank you, Gred. You know, you should replace Harry's anger management tutor, you're much better than him.
Fred: Well, I did have earlier plans to become a wizarding counselor and/or advisor if the magazine didn't work out-
George: (cuts in hastily) Well, me and George would like to thank you for your time. You can go down the street to that bookstore and browse about a bit while we interview Harry alone, I hear they have a sale on books about boring and imaginary-I mean, fascinating and all-too-real creatures like Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.
Luna: (smiles dreamily and wanders out of the Three Broomsticks)
Fred: Was it a smart idea for us to let her go alone?
George: I dunno, I think she can take care of herself. Probably.
Fred: Oh, here comes Harry!
Harry: (looking pale and sickly)
Fred: Harry, Harry, Harry, so nice to-ARRGHHH!
George: Stop it, Harry!...actually, never mind, Fred deserves it anyway, calling the love of my life an arse-face…
Harry: -busy strangling Fred-
(Fred's hands flail and knock over the Quick-Notes Quill, forcing it to-)