"Here at LC85 Galactic Studios, preparations are being made for LuClipse85's newest comedic blockbuster, 'Sailor H'! What a genius she is! She could very well be one of Takahashi Rumiko-sama's rivals if she had any. I simply can't wait to see her brilliance yet ag-"
"How shameless, lying to promote that vain as hell author, LuClipse85." Sesshomaru sneered with his usual detached voice.
Letonia looked up from her script at the demon lord beside her, and frowned with a teardrop. "Hey quit shootin' the messenger, Sesshomaru. LuClipse85 couldn't decide on an opening so I tried to help her out."
Sesshomaru scoffed, "She can conceive the body of her outlandish stories, but she has difficulty starting them. No wonder she procrastinated religiously on that literary project of hers."
"Shut up, will ya? She doesn't want anyone to know about it!" Letonia hissed.
"This is posted on the internet, practically everyone in the world who can read knows it now."
Letonia teardropped, cutting her aqua green eyes at him. She couldn't argue with him seeing as he had a point. "ANYWAY, I wasn't expecting to see you here, but thanks for showing up."
"I'm only here because that crazed woman wrote me in the script." Sesshomaru replied flatly. "Plus, she said she'd make it worth my while if I cooperated."
Letonia smiled getting an idea. "I see, she promised to make Rin the Moon Princess?"
"No, she threatened to include me in her Ranma1/2 parody and have that unholy monk violate my hindquarters." Sesshomaru stated flatly, teardropping.
Letonia looked to the side, not surprised. All LuClipse85 had to do was threaten a character's dignity/reputation and they'd do her bidding.
Letonia started to lead Sesshomaru to his dressing room when he stopped her. "It's clear you are also an anime character, but I have never seen you before."
"I'm an original character conceived by my boss, LuClipse85 from her own anime. I am from the planet Neptuonia, it's that world that she lives in that she mentions all the time. You take the Intergalactic Starship at the Tokyo International Airport and go north outside Earth's Exosphere for a few thousand miles and you'll come across a portal that looks like a whirlpool. You head right for it and go into hyperspeed. Then you follow the Milky Way stream for the next thirty thousand miles, still in hyperspeed, and make a left at Alpha Centauri and then go through the head of the Horse Head Nebula and you'll find a cluster of stars. You keep going until you see a McDonald's billboard and drive another few hundred miles and in your far right, you'll see a beautiful aqua green speck that's the same color as my hair. That's Neptuonia. But if you see a billboard of Alf waving and saying 'Eat At Joe's', you went too far." Letonia smiled with pride.
Sesshomaru just stared, wondering if she had O.Ded on her medication.
"Her little world even has a name?"
"Yeah, I was created during her four-year obsession with Sailor Moon." She added.
"That explains why she's writing this ludicrous fanfiction." Sesshomaru muttered that to himself, then spoke to Letonia, "If I'm going to play one of those idiotic characters-"
A crazed Sailor Moon cosplayer suddenly threw his Moon Scepter at Sesshomaru, who easily dodged it and glared at the person.
"Don't you DARE dis the great Sailor Moon, you demon! I don't care who you are! MOON EXIT, STAGE RIGHT!"
Sesshomaru and Letonia watched as the cosplayer ran away like hell to escape getting jumped.
"Fine, if I'm to play one of those 'characters'," Sesshomaru sighed, "I may as well play that masked man with the cape and played out tuxedo."
Letonia stared wide-eyed into space before her, realizing Sesshomaru had arrived late when she made the announcement to the others. She turned to the irritated demon lord and chuckled nervously, hoping he wouldn't kill the messenger with what she was going to tell him.
"Okay, see, LuClipse85 did the assigning, and that part's already taken."
"LuClipse85 had preferences as to who she wanted to play what part and she had just gotten through with the casting several minutes before you came." Letonia further explained.
"Well who's playing the cape and mask guy?"
Just then there was loud complaining coming from a dressing room just ahead of them.
"Oh c'mon Koga, it doesn't look that bad. And besides.....uh....it coordinates with your hair at least." Hakkaku said, lying for his leader's sake.
Ginta went with him on the subject, "Yeah, in fact, you even got the black hair and the blue eyes! Just like the real Tuxedo Mask!"
Koga stood before his mirror, staring at himself in the black caped tuxedo and white mask that was his costume, trying to keep whatever dignity he had left by not crying in shame. Hakkaku took down Koga's ponytail and added the last thing: the top hat.
"I LOOK LIKE A DAMN PENGUIN IN THIS THING!!! LOOK AT ME!! I'M A FRICKIN' PENGUIN!!"
That did it, the wolf leader roared and fled to his closet, locking himself in and sitting on the floor in fetal position, mentally cursing LuClipse85 out. Ginta and Hakkaku glanced at each other for a solution but could find none. They looked at the closet door, trying to think of someway to get Koga to come out of the closet (snicker).
"Koga! You don't look that bad! Really!" Ginta tried, though he KNEW Koga wasn't buying it.
"Forget it, Ginta! I ain't comin' out!" (snicker!!)
Hakkaku rolled up his eyes and sighed, "Alright, we'll be straight with you, Koga: you DO look like a dork in that thing. And I don't know why with all the parts in this fic, she had you play Tuxedo Mask. But you only look like a dork by our standards; in Kagome's time, guys with class and prestige wear clothes like those."
There was silence. Then Koga peeked out of the closet. "For real?"
"Yeah, that's right." Ginta agreed. "Plus, Kagome says she's crazy about a 'sharp dressed man'. I don't know what the hell that is, but I'm certain she was talking about you."
"What a baby." Sesshomaru jeered. "Whining over how strange his costume is when it could be worse."
Letonia glanced to the side. Yeah, he could be wearing YOUR get-up.
Just then there was the sound of thunder and flashing of lightening.
"You want trouble, pal? You're lookin' at it! (Thunder!) My name is trouble, I'm SAILOR JUPITER! Aw man, this is so COOL!!" Said Kagome who posed confidently before Sesshomaru and Letonia, then broke down in giggles, unable to hold it back.
Letonia smiled while Sesshomaru thought Kagome had completely lost her mind. She had quickly gotten in touch with her character and got all giddy about how she got such a cool part. She noticed the him staring at her and asked what the matter was.
"Not once has anyone been happy when LuClipse85 is controlling them." He narrowed his eyes. "Did you plead with her or something?"
"No. I'm one of her favorites, Sesshomaru." Kagome smiled.
"That pervert monk is her absolute favorite and look what that woman did to him." Sesshomaru contradicted. (He's referring to my fan art of Miroku on mediaminer dot org under my pen name).
Kagome had to admit she did get suspicious as to why LuClipse85 gave her a part she actually liked. But they hadn't discussed it or anything so she really didn't know why.
"I'm her favorite compared to Kikyo, I guess." Kagome answered, unable to think of anything else. "Now if you'll excuse, Sesshomaru and Letonia, I'm going to rehearse some more. Oh man! I love LuClipse85 for this! SUPREME THUNDER!"
Kagome released a powerful blast of lightening forward, accidentally hitting one of the people on the make-up and refreshment crew.
"OH! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
Kagome went to help her while Sesshomaru muttered something about her being a scatterbrain for throwing lightening indoors. Letonia giggled, tickled by Kagome's reaction to her assigned part.
"If only everyone else was that enthusiastic about this fic."
"Speaking of everyone else," Sesshomaru spoke up, "What character did my idiot half-brother have the misfortune of being assigned?"
"SHE DID WHAT?! THAT AIN'T HOW IT GOES!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO AUDITION OR SIGN UP FOR A PART AND THE PRODUCER GETS BACK TO YOU ON WHETHER YA GOT IT OR NOT!! YOU DON'T GET ASSIGNED A PART!!"
Inuyasha roared to another of LuClipse85's assistants, Akari, who tried to keep her composure at Inuyasha's hollering. She did nothing more than stare at the hanyou with a half-lidded visage. Inuyasha understood and hung his head, growling.
"I forgot. LuClipse85 is a few DVDs short of a box set. She couldn't go by the rules to save her life."
"Hey, quit dissin' my boss, will ya? She's actually quite famous." Akari said.
"In her own twisted world she is!" Inuyasha roared in contradiction.
Akari smile brightly, mainly to aggravate him more. "Exactly. Where do you think you are now?"
Inuyasha stared blankly, realizing she made a point. "If I looked it up in the dictionary, this place would be synonymous with 'hell'. Okay, just tell me which of the four generals I am. But I better not be the gay-blond or that gay-ass Malachite (Kunzite)!"
Akari looked to the side away from Inuyasha, KNOWING he was gonna go into conniptions when he found out who he was assigned to play.
Inuyasha seemed to have caught on. "I'm gonna play the gay-ass Malachite, ain't I?" He asked flatly.
Akari looked back at him. LuClipse85, you owe me a HUGE raise for this. She thought before breaking it to the hanyou. "Okay, when LuClipse85 was doing the casting, she wasn't just writing down names haphazardly. Not the whole time anyway. She was trying to match the InuYasha characters to the Sailor Moon characters as close as she could. Long story short, Inuyasha, she tried to give you a good part, but at the same time, she also had to have the color schemes coordinate, and the only color that coordinates with you is red."
Akari looked at Inuyasha with a huge nervous grin and a matching teardrop on the side of her head. Inuyasha at first stared in agitation as he didn't get what she was saying;
Then it hit him.
His eyes bugged out and his jaw almost hit the floor. "Hold up one frickin' minute! The only Sailor senshi who wears red is Sailor Mars!"
"There ya go." Akari's only answer.
Letonia nearly jumped to the ceiling when she heard a door slam open. Koga stood in his doorway, still in his costume,glaring fiercely at Akari and Inuyasha, his eye brow twitching. "IS THIS A PARODY OR A HORROR FLICK?!"
"How many times I gotta tell you guys to quit shooting the messenger?! I'm only doing my job telling you guys what parts you're gonna be playing!!" Akari yelled, wishing she got paid more to do this job.
"I have to wear this gay-ass get-up and he's gonna be running around in a mini-skirt and I'm have to be behind him if there's heavy wind blowin' about?!!" Koga screamed in disgust.
"Pretty much, yeah." Letonia confirmed.
Koga stared at Letonia and Akari blankly. "LuClipse85, if this is some kind of punishment for a crime I've committed, I find a bullet to the head more humane."
"What the hell are you griping about, wolf?! You run around in a mini-skirt all the time but you don't hear me bitchin' about it!" Inuyasha hollered.
Koga narrowed his glaring eyes at Inuyasha, trying to hide his embarrassment. "It ain't a mini-skirt, mutt!"
"Oh, so then it's a really short man dress?" Inuyasha taunted with a impish smirk. He always got a kick out of making fun of Koga's clothes.
Sesshomaru lowered his head, trying very hard not to laugh as he pictured his little brother in women's clothing.
Kashiya, LuClipse85's third assistant, was helping Shippo and Kirara get ready for their parts. She took out two cans of washable paint, one white and the other black. Kashiya dumped the black paint on Shippo and dumped the white on Kirara. Normally, makeup would've taken care of that easily and less messily, but Kashiya figured her method was quicker. Plus, she didn't have a lot of common sense anyway.
She smiled proudly as Kirara looked in the mirror at her now white fur. Kirara growled and transformed into her big cat size and attacked Kashiya! Shippo stared, wondering why he didn't think of that since he also opposed to the splash-of-paint method.
Kirara didn't maul Kashiya or draw blood, she just pounced on her and stared her in the face, growling and baring her fangs. She backed off when Shippo told her to, transforming back to her housecat size, but she continued glaring at the assistant, who was cursing in Hindi.
"Damn! What the hell's her problem!?" Kashiya exclaimed, still laying on the ground.
"Kirara's mad because you messed up our 'make up'. She's supposed to be Luna, and I'm supposed to be Artemis."
Kashiya cocked an eyebrow and then checked the memo LuClipse85 gave her that was in her jean pocket. Shippo was right.
"My bad. Lemme fix that then." She apologized.
"I know LuClipse85 gets a kick outta torturing everyone else, but why did she have to get me involved? I'm a fox, not a cat!" Shippo complained, muttering to himself. "Hey Kashiya, I don't mean to whine, but is there another role open that I could play?"
Kashiya checked a copy of the cast listing she was given. "Well, LuClipse85 is still kinda uncertain about everyone's roles, but there is one she's undecided on, you could check with her on that if you want it."
Shippo's face lit up. "Cool! What is it?"
"Well if you really want it, there's a high chance you might get it. If you don't want to be Artemis, you could be Sailor Chibi-Moon, Shippo."
Shippo stared at Kashiya, then grabbed the white paint can, and splashed the paint on himself. "I'd RATHER be the white cat than the pink menace!"
Kashiya and Kirara stared at the kitsune, Kashiya tried to stifle a laugh. The black paint on him was still wet and the white paint mixed with it, making him look Diana with tie-dye fur. Kashiya picked him up and carried him off to give him a bath and then try the make-up thing again.
Sango knocked on LuClipse85's trailer door, wanting to talk to her about her role. She found the door was unlocked and turned the knob. Sango was expecting to find the usual scene: LuClipse85 listening to her J-Pop and anime songs while talking to herself as she wrote the script for her latest work. This time, she was listening to "Moonlight Densetsu" and singing along to it, at the same trying to think a parody theme song opening for "Sailor H".
"LC85?" Sango inquired, trying to the author's attention.
LuClipse85 looked up and saw Sango standing by her door. She exclaimed and paused the music, asking Sango to have a seat.
"So you wanted to know what role your playing, Sango?"
"Yeah, I'm a bit disappointed because I wanted to play Sailor Jupiter, but you gave it to Kagome. So does that mean I'm playing Sailor Venus? Please, I beg you, say no!" Sango begged, she had seen the first two seasons of Sailor Moon and liked Sailor Venus the least.
LuClipse85 looked up at the ceiling, trying to think of a way of breaking it to Sango.
"Okay, I really thought about it while I was doing the casting. I was trying to decide which color to associate you with but nothing matched. So Sango, you are going to be a technical original character, Sailor Taijiya!"
LuClipse85 tried to sound as enthusiastic as possible, hoping Sango wouldn't be too upset. She wasn't, ironically.
"Personally LuClipse85, I think you're taking the parody thing too far. So what's my motivation?" Sango inquired, curiously.
"Your enemy has just annihilated your home planet in your past life, you are reborn as a demon slayer in your next life, this one, and you have a faithful and loyal pet, Luna. Your powers are a giant boomerang, a sword and even martial arts, mainly some Chinese ones to make you look even cooler to the male demographic. You know, the whole Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon thing." LuClipse85 explained enthusiastically.
Sango looked at her, finding her character quite interesting and surprisingly easy to figure out. Her expression seemed to read, "Been there, done there, what's new?".
LuClipse85 saw that she caught on so she gave to Sango straight, "Basically, Sango, I liked your character the way it was, and I honestly think Miroku would use that tiara on me, once he got the hang of it, if I tried to change you. Point blank, you're still Sango, you're just Sango in a fuchsia colored sailor suit, or whatever color you prefer."
Sango smiled happily. "Works for me! Thanks LuClipse85! Hmm. Let me see if I can repay you for this."
Letonia peeked into Kikyo's dressing room to check on her. "Hey Kikyo, we go on in a few more hours. Just to let you okay?"
"Okay, thanks Letonia. Oh, could you ask Akari to make me some more of those lemon cookies? They were really delicious." Kikyo asked.
"Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. Akari figured you'd ask so she made more in advance plus brownies." Letonia handed the actress the treats, which she accepted gleefully and placed on her coffee table beside her raspberry tea.
Letonia left her alone, saying under her breath Kikyo could stand to gain a few pounds. Just as Kikyo set her table, her guest appeared walked out of the bathroom in a cotton bathrobe, drying her red hair.
"Ah, I feels so nice to get all that dirt and junk off of me. I hate when that Sailor Brat uses that damn crystal on me. " The guest griped audibly.
"I feel so flattered to be playing your role in this fic, but at the same time I can't help but feel like I'm being mocked."
"You? But you're one of the good-looking ones on InuYasha, Kikyo. Saying that as a friend, okay? Why do feel like LuClipse85 is mocking you." Beryl wondered, puzzled.
"Point blank, she hates my guts." Kikyo said flatly. "Her and just about everyone else who's watched InuYasha since episode one. In fact, she and a few of her internet friends have a Kill-Kikyo hate group and they make plans to try to kill me."
Beryl stood by seated Kikyo, looking down at her with her arms folded. "Hmm. I don't see why. I mean all you did was try to kill that hussy Kagome. If only that arrow you shot at her had gone through her heart." She thought outloud, then smiled. "I would've loved to her get what she deserved."
Kikyo started lamenting over LuClipse85's view of her, "I'm so misunderstood! I'm just having a really crappy afterlife! That's all! I would've had a happy life with my love Inuyasha, but that damn Naraku screwed it up! And I'm not evil for trying to kill Kagome! The little homewrecker's mackin' on my man and as his first love, I had to put her in check!"
"Girl, I know how you feel. That little bitch Sailor Moon was the same way!" Beryl sympathized as she sat down and poured herself some tea.
"Are you serious? Sailor Moon tried to steal Endymion away from you? I thought he was her man?" Kikyo asked.
"Well, I saved him from death after one of my stupid henchmen, don't let his looks fool you, tried to kill him and he was completely devoted to me afterwards." Beryl's face showed happiness as she held the cup of tea to her mouth, then she sneered in jealousy, "Then SHE came along and stole him from me! Idiot wench!"
"Beryl, I feel your pain." Kikyo said, placing her hand on Beryl's shoulder to comfort her. "Kagome's stolen Inuyasha's heart from me, and now he doesn't want me anymore. I'll find some way to get rid of her, and then Inuyasha will come to the depths of hell with me and be mine for all eternity!"
"I have the perfect plan to help you out, Kikyo. It's too late for Endymion and I, but I can't let the same thing happen to my friend. Okay, listen up here's what you do......" Beryl whispered to Kikyo, who absorbed the information like a sponge.
Finally Sesshomaru was lead to his dressing room to prepare for his role in "Sailor H".
"Listen, Letonia, this technical tour of LuClipse85's mind has been very frightening and disturbing, all I want to know is since I HAVE to be in this, what part I am left with?" He demanded with quite an irritated voice.
Letonia tried to keep a straight face, whereas LuClipse85 failed to. Sesshomaru's eyes narrowed, he knew something was up, he just didn't know what. Seeing as her lips were too scrunched together in order to keep a laugh from coming out, Letonia held her copy of the casting list up to his face so he could read it himself.
Sesshomaru found his name and looked to the right for his role. His amber eyes widened in shock when he read the name.
"Oh hell no!"
And that's chapter one of "Sailor H". Oh man, I could NOT stop laughing as I wrote the rough draft for this! I hope you all enjoy this parody of mine, I'm looking forward to bringing you more if that's your wish. Actually even if it isn't, you're still gonna see more.
By the way, I don't own InuYasha, or Sailor Moon. And that line about me being a few DVDs short of a box set came from Animerica Magazine. I thought it was funny, so I decided to use it.
And I'm serious, I was actually obsessed with Sailor Moon for four years. In fact, there's a website someplace called, "You Know You Watch Too Much Sailor Moon When" and tells of different things SM fanatics have done. In the first section alone, which was twenty pages when I printed it out, I did 50 of the listed things.
I ain't lying. I read, I counted, I remembered, andI actually did 50 of the items. Now mind you, those are what I actually DID, I think there were only a couple that hadn't crossed my mind at least once and those had to deal with the Strawberry Pop Tarts. I'm sure somebody out there got that at least. Anyway, that's all for right now!
Stay tuned for more! Sailor Moon Says! Heehee! (Relapsing! Gotta go!)