Disclaimer: Is not mine. I do claim ownership of the hentai demons though. Well me and Cheryl and Lars do because we tend to be plagued by them regularly.
AN: Originally written in December of 2004, it was finally tweaked a little before being posted here. Also the main pairing, as in the pairing that this story will end up as, is SasuSaku. Our darling twit (aka Sasuke) will become involved with someone other than our darling dame but it won't last forever (otherwise why would I bother writing this?). Sasuke will not become involved with any other main/minor female in the show.
Thank you very much for the amount of reviews this has received for the first chapter alone. I'm amazed, truly I am. But I fear that people are trying to tell me to stick with humor instead of angst considering this fic has received more reviews for the first chapter than my angsty dark!Sakura fic has after four chapters. o.O Seriously though, thank you for reading and reviewing. It means a lot and is greatly appreciated.
Many thanks to Lars for suggestions and encouragement on this chapter. I heart you so bad! And may Cheryl's spork stay far away from me! But I heart you too Cheryl!
Finding Happiness: Chapter Two
Of Hentai Demons and Needs
by Wicked Child
Finally she said, "Get washed up. Dinner's ready. We'll talk about Mission: Get Sasuke Laid while we eat."
He was dying. There was no way in hell he could escape his fate and it rather irritated him, mainly because he wasn't like that other (hopefully) virgin Neji who only babbled about fate. But the fact remained: he was dying, a slow and painful, if not loud death. But dying was what he was doing, not doling. And it was in such an undignified way too. He could envision his brother, standing over his grave laughing at him.
"Death by saliva foolish little brother? I was mistaken in letting you live, both times. To die in such an unsightly way as choking on your own spit. Pathetic."
But it wasn't his fault he was dying was it? She's the one that said that…that thing to him. It seemed as though she had planned his death from the moment he caught her mumbling to herself back at the hospital. The evil grin she sported before that old pervert flirted with her. She planned on killing him. It was obvious now that he thought about it. A small voice, that should have been squashed dead many times over, asked him how he knew this to be true.
Because she isn't fucking helping me that's why!
And so Sasuke was slowly dying, as he choked and coughed on his own saliva while his once number one fan stood in the kitchen watching not doing a damn thing to help him.
Medic-nin my ass!
Again his thoughts went back to his brother, because that's what they normally did when he was in a desperate situation and he deigned to call this a desperate situation. While standing next to his grave and laughing, he could also envision Itachi doing things to Sakura. Things which would probably make her squeal and squirm and make him roll over in his grave because she wouldn't dare to let that man do that to her and certainly not more than once. (It had always been a fear of his ego that if Itachi hadn't gone homicidal that his fangirls would have gravitated to the older Uchiha, including Sakura.) But these things weren't things that Itachi would do to him but Sakura, and Sasuke worried, even as he died by her hands, that she might like it and forget him. Truly his ego was malnourished his unsquashed dead voice stated as darkness began to take the once last surviving Uchiha heir.
Too bad he couldn't die while on top.
She looked up alarmed, the noise coming from the living room starting her out of her scheming frame of mind. Her heart's desire was currently choking where he sat on his couch, although now he was more hunched over than sitting.
"Sasuke-kun?" Rushing over to the young man, Sakura began rubbing and patting his back alternating between the two motions. Concern filled her wide green eyes as she pondered what could possibly have caused such a fit to occur. "Sasuke-kun are you okay?"
Her voice reached out to him, calling him back from wherever it was he was going. She sounded so worried and sincere; he had a difficult time remembering that she was the one that was trying to kill him. Slowly air began to fill his lungs at her rubbing and patting.
He nodded, trying to catch his breath and took full notice of his immediate surroundings. How was he going to explain this? He had escaped Death's clutches but at what cost? There was no drink or snack food with which to place the blame for his near death experience. And he sure as hell wasn't going to say, "Yeah I just choked on my own spit because you want me to get laid and make a mission out of it." Well he might say the second half but he wasn't going to admit to doing something so Naruto-like as dying from saliva intake.
Instead he decided to focus on the first part of her comments to him before he almost died. An insult would quickly detract from whatever her scheming murderous mind was scheming. "I'm not the one who needs to wash up." That should get her back for trying to kill him. Nobody could say Sasuke was above revenge.
Sakura's face paled for a moment before turning a bright crimson. "Are you saying I reek? Well excuse me you royal pain in the ass but I just got back from a mission. One that took twice as long as it should have because of one stupid teammate! Not to mention that I'm required to baby-sit your sorry ass, but I've no clothes to change into because I'm at your house!"
She was—to put it mildly—seething, and had she been a blood member of the Uchiha clan, Sasuke was more than certain that he'd be staring into a pair of Sharingan instead of fiery emerald.
"Are you done?"
"I haven't even started!"
Sasuke sighed and waited. This was bad. He was hardly ever, in fact he'd never really been, the one on the wrong side of her ire, and he almost felt sorry for the likes of Naruto and Konohamaru among others. He continued to wait for her to drag on her rant against him and all things male but nothing came. She just sat there, glaring and seething with the back of his shirt clenched tightly in her small fist. Sighing again he extracted himself from her grasp and stood. Not sparing her another glance he disappeared momentarily only to return with a set of his sweats folded neatly in his hand. A clean, fluffy towel and washcloth atop those.
"You know where the bathroom is. I'll wait."
Silently she took his peace offering, making her way to his small bathroom. As she closed the door she heard the genius idiot sit and sigh before muttering, "Mission: Get Sasuke Laid? She's insane."
A small evil grin made its way onto her delicate face. Soon it turned wider as possible forms of revenge and torture ran through her capable mind. She'd never make good on them of course, because he was Sasuke-kun, but that wasn't going to stop her from thinking them.
Hell yeah! Inner Sakura thrust her fist in the air.
Fifteen minutes later found the two eating a lukewarm dinner, all animosity gloriously at bay. He had silently forgiven her for trying to kill him and she had silently forgiven him for stating that she smelled worse than Akamaru after frolicking through a pig pin in the rain. Unbeknownst to them, they were for the most part thinking the same thing: Sakura undeniably looked cute (maybe even sexy?) in Sasuke's clothes. And she smelled like him.
Sakura couldn't quite exorcise the little hentai demon in her head that liked to alternate between praising her male companion and insulting him nonstop.
"You know, he is a rather arrogant self absorbed ass," the hentai demon commented. "And he really is in love with himself. And here I thought it was just a summer thing."
Your point? Sakura mentally grumbled as she stuffed some food into her mouth. Grace in front of Sasuke had been thrown out the window long ago.
"Despite not being his womb warrior, you might still get to have a good ole fashioned indecent romp!" The demon smiled gleefully at the prospect.
She refused to look at Sasuke at that point because years of pent up sexual frustration could have led to the Uchiha being raped by his former teammate. But she'd make sure he liked it at least. Your logic fails me.
"It would, but your inner self understands just fine. I'd have her explain but I think she just orgasmed from the mere though of being taken right here on his table."
Sakura was deadly certain she head a "Wahoo!" from deep in her mind.
Slightly apprehensive, and more than a little curious because that frustration really was catching up to her as of late, she wanted to know her little demon's logic. Explain.
"But of course my little unfertilized cherry blossom. Sasuke, while an ass, is truly one of God's greatest creations. However the idiot seems to have fallen in love with himself. Now if the beautiful dolt was either asexual or nonsexual your romp may never occur. But seeing as how he not only wants to restore his clan and he currently has a willing female in his presence, your dinner table romp has the potential for success."
Sakura remained quiet.
"Or we could sum it up with the facts. You smell like him. You're dressed like him when he goes to bed—you can't tell me you haven't wondered why he's rather ambidextrous and fast with both hands—and that my innocent little bud is an important fact. He's also in love with himself. So why wouldn't he try to take advantage of such a pliable piece of kunoichi when she's almost exactly like him? Well minus the boobs and vagina in his case but you get the point, or you should. It'd be like he's banging himself which would invariably make him happy." The hentai demon smiled as Inner Sakura began to fan herself.
You're a pervert and an idiot.
"I'm your hentai demon, I'm not supposed to use logic that actually makes sense! I use perversion and lust to make sense!"
Sakura sighed audibly as she heard Inner Sakura declare her undying love to the hentai demon, who gratefully accepted. She tuned them out quickly enough before vivid images began running amok in her brain. She wasn't there to get laid by Sasuke but to get Sasuke laid. And while she would gladly take the job, she didn't want to be just some thing to him. She wanted to be more important, and being one of his only friends was pretty damn important.
But damn the frustration from being loyal and abstinate, she grumbled.
Sasuke's hentai demon, which he invariably had because he was a) male and they're all horny bastards anyway and 2) he was a relatively normal human, and that meant he had libido, was sorely being denied his hentai ways. The most he could drudge up was a small comment of agreement or a fist in the head.
"Dude, she's freakin' hot! Take her!"
No response was received. So the hentai demon tried again, because he knew his damn cousin who lived in the girl was having a grand ol' time with it's human who would at least fantasize about sex.
"You know she'd let you. I mean come on dude! She's been after you for how long? Even when you were with that freak you knew she was pining for you with all her little pink heart."
Aha! A response, which the demon took as a good sign because he wasn't getting beat down and it meant that Sasuke was listening. Oh twas a good sign indeed!
"You can't tell me you've never noticed that she's grown into a beautiful young woman. How many men try to woo her every single day, especially when in your presence? Oh and I don't think I need to point out that she ignores them because she is in fact with you. I bet she'd thank you for making her gooey."
I'm trying to eat here. Go away.
Perturbed by his human's lack of perversion the demon went into thought, not deep thought because he was all about perversion himself so the thinking was limited to the base instincts or rather his base instinct: knockin' dem sandals.
"I think I understand," he finally said after all of two minutes of somewhat serious thinking.
"You're afraid to let her know you're a virgin, and that she might know more than you and can actually teach you something. She might even be a genius at it!"
Sasuke glared at his dinner. It wasn't enough that he was the last male virgin on earth (because he realized while Sakura was showering that Konohamaru and even Udon were getting the sex) with the possible exception of the Hyuuga genius, but his own suddenly new hentai demon was accusing him of being afraid of having sex with Sakura. It was clearly asinine.
Indignantly Sasuke said, Look you I am not about to sleep with Sakura because she's Sakura. She's my teammate and my friend.
"Ever hear of friends with benefits?"
What don't you understand? She's Sakura okay? Just Sakura.
Ignoring Sasuke's reply the hentai demon continued. "Makes ya wonder how close she and Naruto got while you were gone though. Doesn't it? He still calls her Sakura-chan and she does visit him more often than not."
Irritated with where his mind was going Sasuke stood up and stalked toward the sink, dumping whatever was left from dinner down the sink. Not willing to pay attention to whether or not Sakura was finished he grabbed her plate as well and began washing. He refused to listen to anything else that mentioned sex and him in the same sentence. Ever again.
"So, Sasuke-kun what kinds of women do you like?"
Had the plate he was scrubbing, and had been scrubbing for the past several minutes, not been inside the water it would have shattered to the ground. Thankfully it was and there were no more cries of murder. However, Sasuke once again decided to go that route as his heart had ceased beating altogether.
"In order to restore your clan, we need to know what kind of woman interests you. Or if you'd rather, what do you think would qualify as a good mate or gene pool for the Uchiha's?" Sakura looked expectantly at the boy—man, definitely man—at the sink. She'd have to be blind to not notice how his body froze up once the subject had been broached again. It was kind of nice to see him squirm.
"It'd be nicer if he was making you squirm!"
Shut up! Sakura refused to go down that train of thought twice in one night in the same sitting. "Sasuke-kun?"
Turning around he frowned at his friend. "I don't know honestly." And he really didn't.
Grabbing a pencil and a notebook Sakura smiled encouragingly. "How about this? How do you want your children to grow up? What traits, beside the Sharingan and beautiful hair, would you like your kids to have?"
What did he want his kids to have? Sasuke frowned more. He really should have thought the whole clan restoration thing more thoroughly because at that moment he sure as hell didn't want to be a dad giving hugs and kisses to runts that screamed and had snotty noses. Although he was an Uchiha so that meant all the hugging and kissing would be left to the woman, so no worry there. But did he really want some brat running up to him and calling him daddy, asking for help with shuriken practice? He glanced at Sakura, who sat patiently, waiting for his response as usual.
"I don't know what I do want exactly, but I do know what I don't want," he told her.
Scrunching her face Sakura replied, "Okay, not what we're looking for but let's shoot! What don't you want Sasuke-kun?"
"I don't want them to be like me." And he was being sincere with that statement.
"What do you mean? Are you talking about being angsty and vengeance happy or devastatingly handsome and popular not to mention an excellent shinobi?" Sakura knew exactly what he meant, but she didn't want to get into a depressing conversation. Not that night. Actually she wanted to just climb into bed but she swore to help him and help him she would.
Slightly taken aback by her question Sasuke slowly let the humor roll over him. He knew she wasn't stupid, so she was trying to prevent him from walking down that thought pathway. Instead of scowling as usual he smirked and decided to go with it, because he really didn't want to think about bad things either. Ego, however, was extremely giddy.
"I never want my boys to ever have to go through the things I did growing up. The stalking, Ino hugging me, you asking me on dates even during missions, the other girls swooning every time I breathed."
"Oh the horror of it all!" She hid the hurt pretty damn well she thought. At least he was attempting to joke with her, but his slight about her younger self still stung. Asshole! "But if you have daughters?"
"No male will ever touch her." Of that Sasuke was certain. If he ever brought a little girl into the world, any male that so much looked in her direction would be castrated and sold to nefarious fellows.
"Just one girl? Aren't we being sexist."
"One or more, no one of the opposite sex will go near my girl or girls."
Sakura smirked. "Well I'm sure they'll love you with all their heart."
Instead of responding to that comment he said, "List women in the village or that I know. We'll go from there."
Nodding Sakura began ticking off names. "Well there's Ino but you can't get with her because she's involved with Chouji. Touch her and the Akimichi will most likely double in size and either step on you or sit on you. You can't make babies if you're squished. Naruto finally noticed Hinata and they're dating. She doesn't see anyone but him and I do mean anyone. TenTen surprisingly gave up on Neji and went out with Lee instead. They seem to be on and off but they're on right now so she's a no go. Shizune's with Genma, Kurenai and Asuma are living together and Tsunade's too old for you." Sakura named other females within the village, but by the looks Sasuke was giving none of them interested him.
"How about outside of the village?"
"The most prominent female we know outside the village is Temari and if you go near her Shikamaru will make it so that you can't move for a year. Not to mention Gaara who has become rather protective of his older sister as of late. He'll just kill you, and being that you're you, I'm sure he'll take great pleasure in that."
"He still hates me?" He seriously couldn't believe the Sand-nin still had it in for him. Some people just didn't now how to let go of the past.
"Yup!" Sakura beamed a grin at him. She seemed rather happy with that fact and Sasuke, for the life of him, couldn't figure out why. "You know what would be funny though?"
"If Naruto's kids ever hooked up with any of yours."
If his eyes could get any bigger they would have, but the human body could only manage to do so much with what it was given, so his eyes remained rather well proportioned despite the widening of them. "That would not be funny Sakura. My kids? His kids? Together? I'd either disown my children or do something terrible to his."
Sakura giggled. "What? You don't want any Naruto Jr.'s to come around asking if little Miko-chan can play?"
"No!" Really Sakura was having too much fun at his expense. He wasn't supposed to be the butt of jokes; he was supposed to be making someone else the butt! And even in his own head that sounded very, very wrong.
A knock at the door left Sakura giggling in the kitchen mimicking little Naruto's asking for Miko-chan's hand in marriage, bragging about their Hokage father, and generally just laughing at Sasuke's expense because dammit, it was about time someone did.
When he opened the door Sasuke didn't expect to see whom he did. The other man just smirked at the slight shock that registered on the homeowner's face.
Sakura always wondered why they didn't bother with first names like everyone else. It seemed rather pretentious to her and she half wondered if all the rumors about geniuses having sticks shoved up their asses were true. Although when she thought about Kakashi she seriously didn't believe it, then again she didn't know him when he was a kid.
"What can I do for you?" Sasuke really wasn't sure what the other (hopefully) virgin was doing at his house but that didn't mean he had to be civil. Did it? He wasn't really sure seeing as he hardly ever had guests and it had been far too long since he'd been in a normal household.
"I want Sakura."
Again shock registered on Sasuke's face. Sakura had never mentioned anything about her and Neji Hyuuga having a thing. What the hell? "Why?"
Quirking an eyebrow Neji answered calmly and truthfully, "That is none of your concern." Looking past his "host" Neji made eye contact with the woman inside. "Sakura, if you are not busy, I'd like to speak with you about the other night."
Rising from her chair Sakura nodded. "Of course."
While she got what she need which required her retrieving her mission clothing from Sasuke's bathroom, Neji looked at the former traitor. "How nice of you to offer your clothes."
Sasuke just glared back, because really, what was the problem with her wearing his clothes? If Sakura was in fact involved with Neji, and he seriously hoped to God that she wasn't, then he should know how devoted she could be (although inside his hentai demon was declaring her a traitorous tramp-whore bitch-slut who should be locked in his bedroom and tied to his bed), so whatever remarks the Hyuuga was silently making were clearly unnecessary.
After gathering her belongings the pink-headed woman smiled at both men. "Sasuke, we'll continue this tomorrow okay?" He gave her a slight nod. She smiled again and turned to Neji (who Sasuke didn't ever want coming into his house unless it was to lament about their sexless lives). "Okay, let's go."
Sasuke didn't miss the way Neji put his hand on her back, or how he guided the pair down the stairs and away from him. Eyes narrowed dangerously and for no apparent reason, Sasuke watched them go. Sakura didn't even look back at him as they walked away. His ego lamented considerably, though not loud enough to silence the damn demon in his brain.
"Dude! You totally let her get away! Free sex, walking away. There she goes. She's walking away." When he got no response he added, "You idiot!"
Completely fed up with his human, the demon did just that. It was no wonder the Uchiha was a virgin. Granted in Sound there weren't really any hot babes so far as the demon could tell, but in Konoha there were dozens upon dozens, one of which was devoted (or was so it would seem) to the genius. He was seriously wondering if this human had any hormones at all.
Pouting and knowing it, Sasuke finished the dishes before retiring way too early for a male his age. "She was my teammate first."
Somewhere he could swear he heard a voice much like his brother's say, "Whiney bitch." He was sure it was just his imagination because such words would never grace his brother's lips. Or so he hoped.
Sakura looked up at her companion questioningly. "For?"
"My actions back there. I did not intentionally mean to interrupt your time together." Neji removed his hand from her back but continued to guide them to wherever it was he felt appropriate for whatever it was he wanted to discuss.
"Oh, it was nothing terribly important." Sakura laughed. I'm just trying to get the man I've been in love with since the dawn of time laid by someone else.
"Oh? He didn't seem terribly eager to let you leave, even if he kept silent." Neji looked down at her to gauge her reaction. He saw confusion and a slight bit of hope as well as understanding. Truly, women were complicated creatures.
"Perhaps he's lonelier now. Naruto and I are his only friends; so when someone comes to his place to take one of those friends away he gets rather, for lack of a better term, bitchy. You should have seen him a couple of weeks ago when Hinata came to get Naruto. If she wasn't Naruto's girlfriend, I think Sasuke would have pushed that girl back into her old shell and then some. His glares alone are enough to set anyone back a few years."
Neji smirked, remembering that he too would have responded in kind had someone ever tried to take what he considered his away, no matter how innocently, when he was younger. But somehow, when it came to Sasuke's teammates, the Uchiha seemed rather protective, and whether Sasuke knew it himself or not he was severely protective of the girl. Neji had been there in the Forest of Death. He saw what Sasuke was capable of while under the influence of Orochimaru's seal. He also saw who and what had caused the seal to recede. Some people were really blind, and he certainly wasn't one of them.
"So, what did you want to talk about?"
Sakura's voice brought Neji back to the present, although he'd been there the entire time since his quick recap of their first Chuunin exam was…quick. "Your arm. I wanted to apologize for being the cause of your injury."
The memory of what caused the injury, the events leading up to it and shortly thereafter prompting Sakura to dub Neji a stupid teammate, flashed through her mind. Reddening at said memories, Sakura brushed off the apology as she pulled non-existent stray hairs behind her ears. "Oh don't worry about it. Ha ha! I've already gotten it healed and it was a big misunderstanding and whatnot so don't worry about it okay? Ha ha!"
Normally Neji would do just that. Except, well he did feel bad and rather stupid for getting his teammate injured on that last mission. But he also blamed her, because had it not been for her, he would not have lost concentration and focus, altering the enemy to their position and she wouldn't have gotten injured.
"Thank you." He gave her a quick bow before walking away. Once he was a good enough distance away from getting pummeled (because he would really feel bad then if he had to kick her ass when not in a combative environment) he called out, "And Haruno, you should really stop binding your chest. It's a great asset."
"Hentai!" Had she any weapons on her she would have started flinging them at the genius. But somehow she had forgotten them at Sasuke's, along with her Chuunin vest again. So away the genius Hyuuga boy—man, definitely man—went and she was left fuming in his wake. She could have sworn he either sauntered off or pranced, but putting the word 'prance' in the same sentence, as Hyuuga Neji seemed very wrong.
"No honey. Boy's got a point. If you don't sex up Sasuke, you can always go for the Hyuuga. He's got his own eye thingy going on right? And you cannot tell me you haven't ever contemplated tangling your hands in that hair of his!" Ah, the hentai demon that dwelled within one Haruno Sakura.
Preach it sister! Inner Sakura crowed.
God, if you're listening, please save me from myself, Sakura pleaded her case.
"Sorry sweetie. God's off reading Icha Icha with Kakashi-sensei. How do you feel about older men?"
On her journey back to her home, Sakura whimpered because apparently the hentai demon was right. God wasn't taking any pity on her and saving her from her mind. Instead He let the demon and Inner Sakura go on and on about what fun it would be to do this and that with Neji. Sometimes they changed it to Sasuke. At one point they threw her into a genius sandwich between the two.
It was then that Sakura decided that God had a very sick sense of humor, and she was His number one punchline.