Why It's Never Dear Santa's Elves

By the Emperor's Sister

Part 1:

The NP Elf Workers Union meeting was in session.

"Oh Romero! Touch me Again!"

Well actually the Union members were watching a titillating romance movie.

"You know, that doesn't look too comfy. Let alone as arousing as they're trying to make it seem." a dark haired member annonced as he pressed his spectacles back to the designated resting place.

"Che, she's faking it." A tiny blonde female member snorted.

"Well that proves that. Bosoms really can heave." Another pointy eared member noted as the buxom petite redheaded woman heaved in the embrace of her passionate yet deceptively wicked looking lover.


The little people all leaned forwards as the fiery actress was about to be ravished when…

"WE GOT ONE!!" Another elf burst in on them spoiling the moment.


"Come ON!"

"For crying out Loud Nimbles! We're watching a movie here!"

"But THIS is important we…"

"Ever notice that someone always calls or interrupts JUST as the good part comes on?" The same blonde girl mentioned.

"HELLO! This Is Important, though you do have a point there Bubbles. We Got One!"

The tiny room full of elves looked at the party crasher as he grinned rather merrily.

"Ok. One What?" Bubbles finally asked.

"A… Letter."

"You mean…?"

"Yes, Fozbutt."

"A Real…?"

"Abso-posa-lutely Mimples!"

"Like the Boss Man Always gets?"


The quartet of elves leaped into the air with high-pitched elfish squeaks of glee. "Read it! Read it!" they demanded of their brother.

"Dear Santa's Elves…"

"Yeay it's really for US!!" Bubbles burst. "Keep Going!"

Nimbles cleared his throat excitedly before continuing. "I am writing to you with my Christmas time request as year after year I have noticed that your employer, Mr. Santa Clause, is being most un-just."

"That sounds soo familiar." Fozbutt noted, "Who was it that wrote like that again?"

"Wasn't it that um... Princess? Ameria or something?" Mimples mused, twirling his salt and pepper locks.

"Shut-it!" Bubbles snapped, "Nimbles will get there. Keep Going!"

"Right, where was I?" Nimbles began once more, "Oh here. You see he persists on keeping some close friends of mine on the naughty list, when in fact, deep down, they are fighters of truth and justice! Mr. Zelgadis for starters is a kind and sweet young man, whose only fault is that people find his features to be that of a monster, when in fact he is rather dashing and handsome and will do anything for those that he cares about, even sacrificing himself, he's just so very amazing and true. Whoa, run on sentence there. You can tell she likes the guy."

"Yup that's defiantly Princess Amelia of Seyrunn."

"And Mr. Gourry is the most generous and bravest of spirits! He cannot help it if at times he appears a bit dim witted. He is a warrior of Light and Truth! So the constant battles leave him feeling rather… famished. And Mr. Xellos may be a demon, but he strives to go against his baser evil villainous nature and aid those in search of the Light!" Nimbles read on. "But most of all I am writing on the behalf of my dearest of female friends, one Lina Inverse."

"What? The Bandit Killer?"

"The Dragon Spooker?"

"The Enemy of All Who Live, Lina Inverse?"

"I guess so." Nimbles shrugged. "You may have heard the rumors, and harsh and evil nick names attached to my friend, but have you heard of all the very good things she has done? I suspected not, so I take it upon myself, Amelia Wil Tesla Seylunn to tell you. Lina has saved our world numerous times. She has selflessly defeated numerous evil dark lords from our world and the next. She has opened up travel to other parts of the country by dissolving the great magic barrier. She has aided dragons, rescued merchantmen from money-grubbing witches, and even made friends both villains and heroes, seeing the goodness that lies within their hearts. In all honesty she is worthy of at least 1 Christmas present this year. So I ask you kindly to rethink this horrid ban on my friends and make this Christmas a Very Merry one for all. Love and Cookies, Amelia."

"Sniff that letter was sooo touching!"

"It very much breaks my candy cane heart to hear it."

"Really the boss man can be too cruel."

"Hear Hear."

"So… lets fix it then." Nimbles announced, "Lets give these poor kids their Most Desired Christmas Wish!"

"What and Excellent Idea Nimbles!"

"Yes! Lets!"


"Um... but lets do it after the movie. It's a rental."


"Sounds good."

"No arguments here."

And so our leading lady continued to be ravished before the jolly little elves, much to their delight.

"Ya know, she kind of looks like the Inverse girl, with a boob job."

"Hmmm… what do you say Bubbles."

"Hmm… oh yeah. Those knockers are real."



to be continued