Why It's Never Dear Santa's Elves

By the Emperor's Sister

Part 5:

Once the flames had died down, the smoldering elfins were bound in magical holding circles and glared at by most of the slayers crew. It lasted until someone just had to ask…

"So, just what are they?"

And no, it wasn't Gourry.

"We're ELVES!" Nimbles spat out, a puff of some flittering out with his ire.

"I don't know." Gourry mused, "I live with elves, and my great granny is one, and they are tall and not tiny and…"

"Yeah yeah and have ears like donkeys!" the elves snapped. "Well those tall and willowy tree huggers can sit on their bonsais and bakes brownies all day, We ARE Real Elves! Heck we work for the Big Boss Man, Santa Clause."

"We're union reps too." Fozbutt added.

"Okay fine, you're magical. Now care to explain why our the gifts you gave us aren't up to code?" Lina demanded.

"We don't do assembly line." Mimples confessed, frightened by the angry red head. "So our powers aren't up to par with our toy building brethren, but it's the thought that counts."

"He's got a point..."

"Stuff it Amelia. This is mostly your fault anyway." Zel snapped.

"If I may, what is wrong with your gifts anyway?" Bubbles piped in.

Gourry's eyes watered. "I… I… CAN'T EAT!"

"WHAT!!??" Bubbles roared with furiosity that rivaled Lina's own. "I slaved away on that pudding bowl and you DARE say that! What, am I bad baker huh! It that IT!"

"Ah, actually Mr. Gourry's problem is that every time he attempts to eat anything, he sees bit and pieces of Miss Sylphiel in it." Liny explained, calming the frothing blonde elf girl.

"Oh… yuck, I didn't do that."

"Oh sorry, that was I." Mimples grimaced, blowing a singed lock of his salt and pepper hair out of his face. "Though I didn't plan for it to do that. I can remove it though, it's just hypnotic suggestion."

"Can I keep the bowl?"

"No. Take back one present we take them all back." Nimbles decreed. "It's a boxing day thing."

"Suits me fine." Zel snorted. "I can't stop blurting out whatever pops into my head."

"Me again." Mimples confess. "Hypnosis is a fascinating study."

"So who separated me then? That's not really the cure I was looking for."

"Its not!" Bubbles whined, "You mean I wrecked my best potato peeler for nothing? How exactly did you expect me to cure you? I wasn't there when you were built you know. And if you were a little less naughty, you'd prolly be on the boss man's nice list and He could figure it out better."

"Oh don't give me that! And… wait did you say potato peeler?" Zel asked, confused.

Bubbles blushed. "Well… it was a magic potato peeler."

"Never mind." Zel gave up.

Releasing the elves, the slayers waited, as one by one their gifts were re-funded.

"Say, why didn't Mr. Xellos receive a gift?" Liny asked, as she watched Bubbles put Human, Golem, and Demon Zel back together with a magic butternut spread.

"Oh two important reasons why we had to skip him." Nimbles supplied. "First he's a non-Santa believer. Now some non-Santa believers get present anyway, but secondly he wasn't asleep."

"So no nappy no gifty?"

"Yup. Thems the rules."

"Uh, okay then."

Pretty soon the only one left was the buxom Miss Inverse. The elves looked at her rather un-comfortably.

"What's the hold up guys?"


"You see…"

"Its like this…"

Bravely steeping forwards, Fozbutt tried to explain. "Um, well, your boob job was from me, and I didn't have any silicone on me so... I kind of had to improvise."

"Improvise how?" Lina asked, feeling, a lot like she had when she asked about Rina Introverse.

"What did you use Fozbutt?" his partners asked, curious.

"AH, rum and eggnog."


"Its all I had on me! I swear!"

"So you're saying?"

"My breasts are filled with Christmas Eggnog?" Lina shrieked.

"Ye-ah. And you sort of have to well milk it out. Reallyverysorry!" He blurted out before he and his fellow union reps popped out of sight.

Everyone stared rather red faced.

"Can I watch?" Xellos asked.



"I'll Help!" Gourry volunteered, not too sure what for though.


"Hell No!"



"Girls?" Lina looked at her embarrassed travel companions, finding no help there.

Liny stood up, "Oh I'll help. Let me get some mugs." She returned quickly with a tray of empty cups, and lead Lina away.

'Wish I could watch THAT.' The Chimera Zelgadis thought to himself, pleased that it stayed inside his head.


"Ow!" He complained after being hit from behind, by the remaining females. "Why'd you do that for?"

"We KNOW what you were thinking!"


Eventually a blushing, petite-busted Lina Inverse returned, Liny in tow. She hefted the tray of eggnog to a near by bench and sighed. "Well that's all of it. Anyone thirsty?"

"Uh no."

"I'll pass."

"I gave it, I'm not drinking it."

"I think I'm lactose intolerant."

"I'm not thirsty."

"Sure!" Gourry grinned and downed mug after rummy mug, much to everyone's surprise.

"Ah, Gourry-dear, you do know that that eggnog came from… Miss Lina, right?"

Gourry ahhed in satisfaction as he finished off the last glass, his stomach full at long last. "What do you mean?"

Lina looked ready to kill. But she stopped. "Never mind Gourry. I'm going to bed." And with that she left.

Everyone followed her lead, and left the shed, and their Christmas present memories, behind.

Xellos Metallium did not adjourn to his room, though. And it wasn't because he didn't have one, which he didn't; it was just he was feeling a little bit restless. As if there was something that He, of all people, had missed. Entering the dining hall he noticed that it was empty save for Liny and some other waitresses, who were cleaning up.

"Good Evening Liny-chan!"

"Oh? Ah, good evening Mr. Xellos." Liny answered, placing her heavy tray aside to wipe down a table. "Was there something you needed?"

"Hmm… now that you mention it. I'm rather curious about your volunteering to service our volatile Lina-chan this afternoon."

Liny looked at the demon general and smirked. "Now Mr. Xellos, you should know better. I am Miss Lina's Shadow Reflection." She pointed out, picking up her load once more.

"So anything Miss Lina wouldn't do, I sure would!" She tossed to him, along with a saucy wink, before heading for the kitchens.

It was then that Xellos realized quite a number of juicy little things about his red headed waitress. 'Especially her deliciously un-canny resemblance to a Miss Rina Introverse… AH!' And with his slitted eyes popping open, and a hungry smile gracing his lips, Xellos skipped after his pray rather playfully.

"You know Liny-chan, we of the monster race don't celebrate Christmas."

"Really Mr. Xellos?"

"Instead we have Eight Crazy Nights. Care to join me for a little 'celebrating'?"

"Teeheehee! Oh Mr. Xellos!"

"Call me Xelly!"

The tacky yellow tomb closed with a loud thwap on the Emperor's Sister's lap. "So." She said, gazing down at the chibi dark lords at her feet. "What did we all learn from this story?"

The little demons shifted uncomfortably on their seats before the Hellmaster finally spoke up. "We learned that hunting through your underwear drawer for early Christmas presents," Phibrizo began, "will result in swift punishment by being forced to listen to inane and pointless Christmas stories."

"Exactly!" Esis grinned. "Now bugger off. I've got things still to do."

The dark lords scurried off quickly, fearful that she would change her mind and read another silly seasonal story.


The End