Duo Sugar Pranks
Heero walked into the living room of their current safe house and, after making sure that his three quarries were in residence – and the person he was avoiding was not – said abruptly, "We have a problem."
Quatre blinked, startled, and looked up from the game of chess he and Trowa had been involved in. Wufei just lowered the book he was reading from so he could meet Heero's eyes.
"We do?" the blond asked, speaking for himself as well as the other two more reticent pilots. "Is it OZ?"
"Or the Alliance?" Trowa threw in, knowing there were still factions scattered across the globe.
Wufei smirked and closed his book, placing it on the nearby table. "Has the Peacecraft onna tracked you down yet again?" he asked, mirth clear in his voice to those who knew him well. "That would be just your problem then, Yuy."
Heero shook his head, though he inwardly quailed at the thought of having to put up with Relena at that moment. Though the girl had become more circumspect in her pursuit of him, she still tended to rub him the wrong way when he spent too long in her company. The same could be said of Duo, and having her here would have only exacerbated an already almost unendurable situation. "It's worse."
Quatre gulped, his hand jerking off the pawn he'd been about to move and knocking over Trowa's knight and his own nearby bishop. "Worse?" he squeaked. Noting the fallen chess pieces, he flushed slightly and set about righting them.
Trowa's one visible eye narrowed. "How much worse?"
"Duo ate all of the leftover Halloween candy, and now he's more hyper than the Energizer bunny," Heero said bluntly.
Shivers of dread ran through the other three pilots. Wufei did his best to conceal his as he said snarkily, "I knew we never should have bought those sweets. We're supposed to be undercover, and if anyone knew we were here, they certainly wouldn't be as innocent as a few trick-or-treaters."
Heero shrugged. "I wasn't the one who purchased them," he pointed out. "Duo was," he added unnecessarily.
"What are we going to do?" Quatre asked worriedly, bringing the other two pilots' attention back to the topic at hand. He frowned, chewing nervously on a fingernail.
"I don't know, but mutilating yourself will not help," Trowa stated firmly, pulling the blond's hand from his mouth and examining it intently.
Quatre blushed as he saw what Trowa meant. His nail was bitten down to the quick; any farther and he would have been bleeding.
"Someone needs to distract him and help him use up all that energy," Heero said, starting pointedly at Wufei.
The Chinese man flushed. "And what makes you think I am the person for that job?" he blustered.
"He's your lover, and from the sounds he makes at night, sex obviously uses up a lot of energy," Heero said frankly, a smile lurking around his lips at the discomfited expression on the other's face. Despite getting sex on a regular – and loud – basis, Wufei was still very much prim and proper in public, only shying away from denying his and Duo's relationship. It seemed clear-cut to Heero – Duo could be exhausted by sex, Wufei was his lover, therefore if Wufei seduced Duo, then the braided baka wouldn't cause them any problems. He didn't understand why Wufei was protesting – the Chinese pilot had just as high a sex drive as his lover, or so the other others had conjectured from the amount of time they spent in bed not sleeping.
Trowa snickered slightly and exchanged a look with Quatre. The blond's cheeks had also colored, but he couldn't keep himself from laughing at Wufei's predicament. It was quite amusing to see the normally stoic pilot so out of sorts.
"If you fuck him until he can't walk, the following recuperation period should keep him out of our hair until the sugar rush has worn off and he's more manageable," Heero continued, pressing his case.
"Heero has a point, Wufei," Trowa said.
Rallying himself, Wufei glared at Heero. "The last time I 'fucked him until he couldn't walk' as you so quaintly put it, he spent the next three days hacking your laptop. He ended up with that virus that causes images of Lady Une naked to pop up every time you typed the word 'OZ'."
Heero grimaced at the memory of seeing the psychotic General in the nude. "Well, then, just fuck him until he can't sit down," he finally said, obviously thinking Duo would cause less trouble if he were mobile.
"Which would just prevent him from resting, and have him up causing havoc 24/7," Wufei pointed out, a blush suffusing his cheeks as he added, "That's what had happened the last time I 'fucked Duo until he couldn't walk.'"
"Well, then what do you suggest?" Heero demanded, having exhausted his miniscule amount of knowledge revolving around Wufei and Duo's sexual relationship.
Wufei had just opened his mouth to deliver a scathing reply when another faction was heard from – namely his lover.
"How about I fuck 'Fei till his eyes roll back in his head and he passes out?" came the suggestion from the eavesdropping American.
The four boys whirled towards the door to see the absent Shinigami standing in the doorway, dressed in only a loose pair of black track pants and smirking. He put his hands on his hips, and gave the assembled pilots his best imitation of Heero's 'Omae o korosu' Death Glare. "And not that I am averse to having sex with my lover, but why are all of you so interested in our sex life anyway?" he asked, a perturbed look on his face.
Wufei grimaced at having their rather sensitive conversation overheard – if Duo was truly as miffed by it as he acted then he could count on not getting any for a while – and turned to placate his lover. "It has come to our attention that you've eaten all the leftover Halloween candy and are close to bouncing off the walls with repressed energy." Duo knew well his own limitations regarding sweets and how little the others enjoyed being the brunt of his sugar-induced pranks. Or boredom-induced pranks, or humor-induced pranks…
Really, just any of his pranks.
Regardless of their cause, Duo knew the others disliked being the butt of his jokes. He didn't take offense at that fact – luckily for Wufei's libido – though that still didn't stop him from playing pranks.
Smiling coyly at his lover, Duo swayed closer to the other boy, pointedly ignoring the other three pilots. "Oh, it has?" he asked innocently.
Wufei's mouth dried up at the seductive sight in front of him and he cleared his throat in a prelude to giving his lover an answer. "Ah…yes, it has," he said, voice sounding strangled.
Indigo eyes gleaming with predatory intent, Duo asked, "And what do you plan to do about it?"
Wufei coughed and averted his gaze, flushing slightly. "The others have decided that the best course of action is to…let you have your way with me until you're worn out," he admitted.
Eyes locking onto Heero – he knew that Wing's pilot was the one who had come up with this not-entirely-hare-brained scheme – Duo pretended to be taken aback by the other pilot's plan. "You want to sacrifice 'Fei to my carnal lusts for the good of the team?"
Heero snorted. "It's not like he'd mind, baka."
Duo slanted his eyes back towards his now-cautious koi and grinned ferally. "True, true," he agreed easily, his smile widening as Wufei squirmed in his seat under the scrutiny. "But still, I think I should have some say in this."
"I think I should too," Wufei put in sourly. "None of them asked me what I wanted, either."
Duo's face fell and he sniffed theatrically, gazing at Wufei with tear-filled eyes. "Y-you mean you d-don't want me anymore?" he blubbered.
"No good can come of this," Trowa stage-whispered to Quatre.
"No good, indeed," the blond agreed.
"Well, I think lots of good can…come…from this," Duo said, leering at his lover. "And if it would make you all more comfortable not to have to worry about me running around on a sugar rush…" He sighed, acting put-upon. "I suppose I could agree to spending the next few days in bed." He shot a searing look at Wufei. "As long as I have suitable companionship, that is."
Wufei grumbled under his breath about 'braided bakas who thought they had a sense of humor' and hoisted himself up from the low couch. "All right, Maxwell, I shall do my best to keep you 'entertained'. Just remember that if you play a prank on me, I'm cutting you off!" With a disdainful sniff he stalked out of the room, said braided baka bounding along in his wake.
The last thing any of the three pilots heard was Duo chirping, "Why, 'Fei, I didn't know ya cared!" and then yelping as his braid was undoubtedly pulled.
Quatre chuckled at the overheard byplay, but he had a rather tired look on his face. "Wufei is going to be insufferable for the next few days," he said resignedly.
Trowa blinked. "What do you mean, little one?"
"Judging from the way Duo was looking at him, Chang is the one who's going to be bedridden for the next few days," Quarte said. "And Duo may be slightly exasperating when he can't get out of bed, but Wufei is almost unbearable."
Heero grunted. "The price we pay for having some peace and quiet around here," he said.
A loud, guttural moan echoed down the hall.
Trowa smirked at the chagrined look on Heero's face as more moans and several stifled shrieks reached their ears. "Peace, maybe. Quiet…I think not."